talking is the hardest thing to do

Actually no. Talking in itself is easy. It's an intuitive act of opening one's mouth and emitting syllables. Words. That sometimes may not even need to make sense. But speaking, communicating, essentially is an arduous task. It's a dangerous job. A big responsibility if you'd like. For communicating requires a message to be sent and received. And between that millisecond when a message is being said to the time that it reaches someone's ear and is being processed by the brain, lots of trouble could already have been brewing. The tone of voice, the choice of words, the gestures and facial expressions that accompany the message....all play a big part in deciding if successful communication manages to take place. If it all doesn't go well, this act of speaking automatically becomes a major crime; a weapon that can damage deep down to the place where it hurts the most. Sometimes leaving scars. Really, it's like walking on broken glass.

So some people choose to talk less. Because it's all statistics really. The less you talk, the less you make mistakes, the less potential hurt you can cause and/or sustain. 

It's a terrible option. 

Without talking and communicating, we become further apart. And this distance, with time, will get further. And many a time, realisation comes too late. 

I would rather talk and make lots of mistakes. Be confrontational. Say it out and disagree. What's so scary about that. But of course, it's easy if it just depends on how I feel. Truth is, communication is a two-way street. And the other street is always harder to take on. It's unpredictable and out of our hands. 

What you gonna do? 

Al posto mio, che fai?

Ring a ding the engagement bell rings

Still can't believe he asked me today. In the most unexpected way at the most unexpected moment. No doubt since we have talked about it, all it took was the right moment. Still when it happened, I didn't know how it did. And with The Moment playing in the background, it was like when we first became better friends. And I forgot that it wasn't that long ago we decided to be together. Sometimes things just happen in the most unexpected way. 

I'm giving you this, in the promise of marriage next year. As you are a good girl and that I would like us to be together in marriage. I hope you will be happy to accept it. Will you marry me? 

Yes. 

How does it feel? Happy in a way I can't describe. 

Also strange. Nice but strange. 

He said he chose today because it's Chinese New Year's Eve, it's a Saturday, and he loves Saturdays. And my family's here..so it's a nice moment. 

Plus, in retrospect, today's also 9th Feb, and 9 九 signifies 久, which means long time, and thus 天长地久, forever. 

Technically yesterday since it's 10th Feb now. But since I've yet to go to bed, it's still today. OMG, I got engaged today. 

Passion and impulses

Passionate people can be expressive or subtle. The expressive ones tend to be more outward with their feelings and their various manifestations. Passion is certainly important in a person's life. I believe that no one can live a fulfilling life without passion. Sure it's easy to simply cruise along, going where life takes you. But without passion, the will to live a more fulfilling life, the search for happiness and the desire to become a better person in all possible personal definitions, become less relevant and subsequently, less important.

Yet for expressive passionate people, there's always a danger of succumbing to their impulses. And when this happens, how does one actually differentiate between real passion and real impulses. An impulse is necessary to drive the action expressing passion. But when one becomes blinded by the desire for action, impulses may override passion. And when the passion ceases, the action becomes irrelevant, or wrong.

They say that passion fades, but real love lasts forever. Yes but the concept of real love is a huge and deep one. Real love takes work. It's not a given and definitely not a certain 'next step' from passion. Real love is giving and taking, understanding and patience, getting angry and forgiving all in a matter of one breath, and much much more. When one's willing to do that, one can preach about having true love for someone else other than oneself.

In this day, we are quick to decide. We let our passion manifests itself via our impulses and our constant need for action. But can we stand by our decision? Only time can tell.

i try to sleep

people who know me know that i don't have problem sleeping. i can sleep anywhere. and i really mean ANYWHERE. on the bed, on the sofa, on the chair, on the plane, standing up...as long as i am tired enough, i will sleep. 

and i definitely don't have problems sleeping at night. i attribute my youthful looks (or so i am inclined to think i still do have) to this, and SKII. 

anyway, i should really try to sleep earlier, given my relatively morning-oriented schedule. but it seems that my body clock has gotten used to sleeping at or after 01:30 every morning/night. and it simply refuses to cooperate. or maybe it's the mind who's controlling it.

especially today, when i am a little overwhelmed with excitement. since i've been spending a little bit more time on planning and coordinating, it seems increasingly real. although in reality it is still pretty far away. 

we've had all these uncertainties and fleeting moments when we doubt, or fear. or both. but at the end of it all, the feelings are sure, and the wanting is certain. and we have to face it with open arms. after all, no one knows what truly will happen in future. just embrace it and go along. 

every day is an adventure. it may not seem to be. it may seem dry, routined, and predictable. but you'll never know. that's the beauty of it.

sogno d'oro. adesso. subito.

 

Modà feat. Jarabedepalo - Come un pittore - Videoclip Ufficiale

one of my favourite songs for sure.
truly a romantic. can't be changed. deep rooted.

Mina & A. Celentano _ Parole parole _ 1972

今天的心情

见或不见 --仓央嘉措
2010-09-29 23:02:08

你见，或者不见我
我就在那里
不悲不喜

你念，或者不念我
情就在那里
不来不去

你爱，或者不爱我
爱就在那里
不增不减

你跟，或者不跟我
我的手就在你手里
不舍不弃

来我的怀里
或者
让我住进你的心里
默然 相爱
寂静 欢喜

其实真正的爱情就应该是这样。不能衡量谁付出的比较多，谁爱谁多一点。只要已选择去爱，就得放胆去爱。直到最后。就算是遍体鳞伤，也绝不后悔。不离不弃。

getting organised again

having been absent for almost a year, it's a little strange to start writing again. been blaming it to the lack of time due to my packed schedule, but really, if you really want to do something, you'll make time for it. perhaps i have been a bit apprehensive about putting my thoughts on paper, for fear that the process will increase the clarity of thoughts, thus making it necessary to make the 'right' and 'logical' decisions about such thoughts. sometimes having it a little unclear, blur, overlapping and emotional may not be too bad after all. 

but having recently ended a five-year on-off and tumultuous relationship, i seem to be getting on track with getting my life more organised, clearing out things/stuff/hoards that i no longer want and need; seeking more clarity in my life outside of work, being more realistic, insistent, and a somewhat stubborn in what i want, at least what i think i need in the long run. 


and that's why i start to write again, putting it down on paper so the black on white can help me understand better. 

these two weeks have been nothing short of wonderful. i feel a renewed sense of freedom, not just in what i can do, but more so in what i feel. no obligations, no expectations, and certainly no disappointments. 

of course there's the occasional going back and forth melancholy, doubts and uncertainty. but facing the real issues and the question on my ultimate wants, the answer is very clear. and i know i did right. 

so i want to be sure, before the next teardrop falls. 

go figure

Had a conversation about resentment, dissatisfaction and figuring out what i want. And frankly, I'm still thinking about it. I would say just live life you know, do what you want, and que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. But the thought will haunt me everytime i have a spare moment. It gets annoying. And i have to keep myself busy in a bid to stop thinking of such.

It's not so easy.

Perhaps I'm just blindly grappling at something that I'm not even sure exists. Yet there's a certain bittersweet pleasure to it. Almost romantic. A little sadomasochistic, emotionally speaking. Messes with my head. Yet entirely necessary.

How long is it going to last?

I'm not sure. Perhaps a couple of weeks, perhaps a couple of months. Who knows. If it doesn't go away, it won't. And I'm not going to interrupt the natural discourse.

A little ironic considering how I've been going on about being 30 and knowing exactly what I want. But do I really? Doesn't seem so.

I suppose it'll come to me eventually.

Ever since the world began

I’ll never know what brought me here,
As if somebody led my hand,
It seems I hardly had to steer,
My course was planned.
And destiny it guides us all,
And by it’s hand we rise and fall,
But only for a moment,
Time enough to catch our breath again.

*and we’re just another piece of the puzzle,
Just another part of the plan,
How one live touches the other
Is so hard to understand --
Still we walk this road together,
We try and go as far as we can,
And we have waited for this moment in time,
Ever since the world began. *

Taking in the times gone by,
We wonder how it all began,
We’ll never know and still we
Try to understand,
And even though the seasons change,
The reasons shall remain the same,
It’s love that keeps us holding on
Till we can see the sun again.

( * repeat)

And I stand alone, a man of stone,
Against the driving rain--
And the night -- it’s got your number,
And the wind -- it cries your name --
And we search for clues, win or lose,
In this we’re all the same --
The hope still burns eternal,
We're the keeper of the flame...

So many people want to be alone

I'm sitting on my own at this Italian Bistro whose name I can't remember. (and the bloody menu doesn't say its name can you believe it). And there are two others like me. The rest of the bistro is pretty much empty besides the three of us and we are each preoccupied with our own pads and macs. But hey I'm observing.

In this world, where we're constantly surrounded by people, whether we like it or not, interaction becomes a need; an expectation. It's rare that we are able to find time to be alone. And even if we could, we are so used to being with others, that we automatically start to make plans. For lunches, dinners,brunches, suppers, dates... Anything that will give ussome company; any company. And we forget how nice it is to be alone.

Alone but not lonely.

Just sometime to recharge, to be quiet. Not having to talk to or entertain anyone. Just time to ourselves to do what we want todo. To think. To write. To fantasize.

We think we have all the time to do all this late at night,just before we go to bed. But really, that's just a convenience, not a deliberate action.

A dramatic ex used to tell me that I'm so preoccupied with my own work and things that I don't take the time to be retrospective and introspective. But I guess that just shows how much he fails to understand me.

I think, and I ponder. I just don't feel the need to broadcast it to anyone, much less the whole world, which these days basically refers to your fb contacts.

I'm happy just doing what I want, the way I want it.

As I am writing all this, 3 became 2. Guess she's had enough of alone time for now.

My love for beer

I can't remember when I started havinga fondness for beer. No doubt, my mom, as a practical mom would, introduced me to the drink at the age of 12, saying that it's good for girls to be able to hold their liquor. For some sort of self protection I guess.

But all through my teenage years, and even through my early twenties, I never really drank. Heck, I hardly even clubbed. No social drinking, no nothing.

Yet when I hit my late twenties, all of a sudden the social drinking became increasingly often. And the instinctive choice? Beer.

Cos I dislike sweet drinks. All those cocktails - the screwdrivers and the cosmos, the mojito and the pina colada, the sangria and the margherita. I can't drink any of those.

Yet I don't want to go crazy with the vodkas and the whiskies. So alas, beer becomes the optimum choice. It's just like me isn't it, always having a justification for everything.

My mother warns me that all this beer is going to grow a home on my stomach. Bad choice for a dancer like me whom on top of it all, is as vain as say, Paris Hilton maybe.

But hey, we'll tackle the problem when it comes eh.

For now, I'm happy with my Erdingers.














,

song of the moment

Heard this song over the radio this morning while cruising on my Subaru. What an awesome song. 

ONE HUNDRED WAYS 

James Ingram

Compliment what she does

Send her roses just because

If it's violins she loves

Let them play

Dedicate her favourite song

And hold her closer all night long

Love her today

Find one hundred ways

Dont forget, there could be

An old lover in her memory

If you need her so much more

Why don't you say?

Maybe she has it in her mind

That she's just wasting her time

Ask her to stay

Find one hundred ways

Being cool won't help you keep a love warm

You'll just blow your only chance

Take the time to open up your heart

That's the secret of romance

Sacrifice if you care

Buy her some moonlight to wear

If it's one more star she wants

Go all the way

In your arms tonight, she'll reflect

That she owes you the sweetest of debts

If she wants to pay

Find one hundred ways

Love her today

Find one hundred ways 

no resolutions in 2011

So it's 2011. Already! Where did time go? My sister would comment that I'm getting old whenever I lament about time passing by so quickly. This year is going to be something special, the year I will no longer be a twenty-something. OUCH. How did that happen? Once upon a time I had referred to 30-somethings as being "quite old", and to think I'm about to join the club; ticking a different box in surveys now. Shudder. 


Typically a new year means new year's resolutions. As I've mentioned to a friend of mine, I didn't make any this year. Well I suppose that's not entirely true, as there are things that I've promised myself to achieve this year, like taking more little breaks within the year to go for some kind of adventures for instance. However, no more checklist of things that I should do/change/achieve, ie. an attempt at being a "better person". I think I'm at a place where I'm pretty much comfortable with who I am, and what I like and dislike. So even if there are things to be changed or aims to achieve, I take it one step at a time, and let it happen naturally. 


Besides, whenever I make new year's resolutions, I can very sheepishly count the number of items I actually meet on my checklist with one hand. 


This year is going to be a great year though. I can feel it. 

let it be

friends who have known me for a while know me to be a little bit of a control freak; a little bit obsessive, and i suppose, a little bit idealistic. i like expectations and some kind of predictability; knowing what's ahead of me. realistically however, many things are beyond our control, and i just have to learn to accept it, and let it be. 

talked to my mom about some issues i've been mulling over and was surprised at her views on them. though i must say, i'm pleased that she thinks this way. perfectly in sync with my own take on things. while atypical, and though many people may choose to disagree, i do think what she suggested would be a good solution to help solve the issues i'm facing. though they cannot be solved right away, i guess it'll make things better somehow. 

but now i just have to pscyh myself to let it be. be calm. be cool. and let it be. 

random in sibu

Yet another night in Sibu. 
It's alright really, just a short trip. And the work's good, as usual. Getting a lot of things done, completing outstanding stuff. All those good things associated with Operation and Project management. But nights are always a tad harder to get by. Lucky for me, I managed to hijack the free internet connection with my MAC. I LOVE MY MAC!!! Since it's virtually impossible to connect using my teeny weeny netbook. So at least I can rant and whine on my blog, stalk my friends' fb pages, and those other wonderful stuff that are made possible by the internet. 


I'm restless again. 


They took me to a new cafe for dinner tonight. CAFE O CAFE is the name. It's a nice place! I don't mind just sitting there to stone for a couple of hours. The food's pretty decent, the milk tea is rich and not too sweet, the place is cooling and not smoky, and best of all, it plays 80s and 90s ROCK BALLAD! How awesome is that? I was really pleased. Had some fried beehoon, hot honey lemon and hot milk tea, feeling totally rejuvenated. Was pretty lethargic the whole day and kept falling asleep after a few pages of MR PIP that I've been trying to finish. So I felt a lot better after that dinner. I will definitely go back there again. 


Stalked one of my acquaintances' FB photo albums and saw some great pics taken during the last comp that I avoided. Made me miss dancing again :( Although I'm still training, honestly, it's totally not the same. I miss the focus, the direction, the drive, the competition, the thirst to improve, the hunger to do better each time, the make up, the costumes, the training, the hours spent honing that one crazy move, the quarrels with dance partner, the frustrations, the indescribable sense of pride and achievement after nailing that difficult routine, and most of all, the rush of adrenaline once we hit the floor...thinking of nothing but dancing strictly from the heart. Miss it. Miss it a lot. Nothing's quite the same. 

Gonna randomly end the post with one of my favourite songs: SUARA KUBERHARAP

di sini aku masih sendiri

merenungi hari-hari sepi

aku tanpamu, masih tanpamu

bila esok hari datang lagi

ku coba hadapi semua ini

meski tanpamu oooh meski tanpamu

bila aku dapat bintang yang berpijar

mentari yang tenang bersamaku disini

ku dapat tertawa menangis merenung

di tempat ini aku bertahan

suara dengarkanlah aku

apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

suara dengarkanlah aku

apakah aku slalu dihatinya

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

kalau ku masih tetap disini

ku lewati semua yang terjadi

aku menunggumu, aku menunggu

suara dengarkanlah aku

apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

suara dengarkanlah aku

apakah aku ada dihatinya

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Awesome song.

hocus focus

I am entirely convinced that I am more comfortable with keeping a small group of close friends and selected individuals, rather than keep up with an extensive social circle. Without any intention to offend any friends of mine, frankly, I get a bit disoriented when I get involved in way too many social activities. It's not that I don't try. Precisely because I know that I'm the type who usually put all my eggs in very few baskets, that starting this year, I've been expanding my social circle and attending more social activities, instead of just cooping myself in my little comfort zone of work, dance, run, and solitude. Which has been good really. I've been having a lot of fun. But despite being surrounded by way more people, it still doesn't change the usual feeling I have of being alone. Now that sounded a little emo there. But that wasn't the intention. While I do have great friends who have stood by me through difficult times, there's still something missing. For lack of a better description, I suppose that missing element is what we'd like to term a soulmate. Though really, how do we know when someone is really our soulmate? Out of so many people in the world with such varying personalities and preferences, I'd be so lucky to find someone I can get along for an extended period of time with. And I don't mean just getting along in terms of having fun, just during the good times. But also getting along in the manner that both can totally just be ourselves with no air of self consciousness or too much restrain, as we both know that no judgement will be made on each other. Not necessarily a total understanding cos that'd be idealistic; nor would we be twins cos that would just be somewhat narcissistic and...well, freaky. But there would be an acceptance, of the fact that we're different, and yet complementary. See? It's hard enough looking for someone to really get along with, how would we ever find a soulmate? Or maybe this whole soulmate business is just a pretty way of packaging what I've just described above?

focus girl, focus.

I am exceptionally bored and moody tonight. I'm not quite sure why. I've just been so bloody restless; feeling like I've got way too much energy and not enough means to channel it to. I think I've been doing too much but not intensively enough. It's grazing - something I'm totally not used to. I've always been a pretty focused person. I don't get myself involved in too many things. But for those I get involved in, I get really involved in. It's in the discipline man. But now, I feel like I'm doing so many things and losing focus. Totally losing focus now. What am I gonna do?! What should I do?

Maybe I should cut down on my activities and just focus on figuring out What I really want. Or I could just spend the time on work. At least it'll be something productive.

I need to really focus.

for lack of a suitable title

I truly dislike how weekends just fly by. It's now the first ten minutes of Monday, which equates to yet another work week. Honestly, work doesn't bother me. I like to work. It's the work travel that can be a pain sometimes. It just completely breaks my momentum. And it makes me feel ungrounded somehow. Like there's a lack of stability in my life. And being a true blue Taurean, I do not like it one bit. But I suppose it's part of the deal, and I can't complain. Plus, it has been a pretty awesome week in many ways. 


Aside from Monday, I've been out every night this week. The Full Monty on Tuesday; Firehouse on Wednesday; Basketball on Thursday; Texas Hold'em on Friday; Golf on Saturday and a full training plus shopping on Sunday. Weekend starts early baby! Yet, for some reason, I still feel a little...unsettled. Why is that? 


Anyway, I am starting to ramble. 

I really like this picture. It's cute. T'was a friendly cat and one very amused baby. I looked happy don't I? 
































Night.

discovering what i need

I wish I could list out what I need in a checklist, as if making a grocery list of what I am looking for in a relationship. But I can't. Qualities are just qualities, and when the right one comes along, the supposed checklist of qualities you're looking for are rendered useless. Immediately thrown out of the window. When fate brings you a gift, the rest becomes irrelevant. I suppose the qualities you desire in a mate serves as some sort of resume that determines the kind of person you're attracted to, be it physically, intellectually, spiritually, or watnot. But in reality, this "checklist" sort of evolves as you mature emotionally, to a point that you sometimes wonder if this checklist evolves based on the qualities you've come to accept on the person you've grown to love, or because you've slowly discovered what you need from your better half.

Every relationship is like a trial and error. Yes it is nice to believe that there's someone out there who's placed on this earth just for you. And yes, the romantic in me does believe that to a certain extent. But I can't yet fathom how some people claim they will know who is "THE ONE" once they've met that person. For I think we''ll never know until the relationship is tried and tested by time and circumstances. And this means allowing yourself to be vulnerable; open to the possibilities of either having happiness that could last for a long time, or pain that could be freaking unbearable to the point you wished you haven't taken that risk to love.

You weigh all these based on what you feel you need. I say feel because the realisation of what you want from a relationship should come from your heart, not your head. Yes it is easy to be all realistic and "figure" out what you need, if you come from a logical standpoint. But love should not be entirely logical, should it? Wouldn't it be pretty sad if falling in love becomes something that can be calculated and predicted based on logic and analysis? Then it will be "making it happen", and not "just letting it happen", which is a huge huge difference.

I have stopped thinking about a checklist these days. Cos' I never seem to use it anyway. But I am more conscious and aware f what I prefer. And in attempt to sum up the indescribable, let's just bring it down to sustainability. Whatever it is, it should be sustainable. Easier said than done of course. But it's of utmost importance. The rest is just decoration.