introspective or inefficient?

as i grow older and enter new phases in my life, i have come to accept my introspective nature. i am a person who tends to analyse (and sometimes overanalyse) a person, a situation, a feeling, an emotion, and everything that comes my way. while there were times in my life (school days for example) when i tried to be the warrior who's single-minded, solidly pursuing the 'correct' and realistic goals in life, time and events often prove that i am just not made to be those who fit in those moulds.

some may deem it a weakness or a self-inflicted pain on oneself. after all, what's the point of just thinking about everything when all these 'useless' thoughts sometimes interfere with what could have been done to make one's life more productive?maybe this is what we call the smart man's sorrow. or perhaps we can explain it via mazlow's hierarchy of needs:

Physiological Needs
Safety Needs
Social Needs
Esteem Needs
Self-Realization needs

having satisfied the most basic needs, an awful lot of time is spent trying to achieve other needs. the problem lies in the fact that these are little aspects of each category that cannot be fulfilled. for instance, while one may know a fair number of people and can technically be proud of having enough social connections and support, there are very few candidates within this category who may end up being ones who can consistent source of emotional support. unfortunately, one tends to put (almost) all our eggs in one basket. meaning to say that we may invest way too much time and energy on one or a few individuals instead of spreading our love. while this is not absolutely wrong, it puts us in a pretty vulnerable position of risking losing our support system completely should the initial source of support fail us.

when i face problems as such, i tend to logically analyse the issue and try to see if i can salvage the situation, in order to help myself. but it's almost a classic scenario of paralysis by analysis. with so much thinking and analysing the situation at hand, one loses focus of what needs to be done and what's realistically ahead of us - real world problems that need to be solved and specific matters at hand that need to be tackled. so then i suppose the right thing to do is to shift our focus back to reality and deal with concrete matters at hand. so if you're a worker, do your job; if you're a student, study. but once we do this, it's like throwing a towel over your head and refusing to see the real problem that comes from deep inside. masking one's introspective self in return for greater efficiency - is it worth it? in this life, what exactly are we searching for?

when one is a student, life is pretty simple. we have one focus - to study. there's a goal to work for, and a path to take. and as a student, we long for the freedom to finally decide on what we want out of life, once this 'duty' as a student is completed. but as we get out of that position, we are thrown in a sea of infinite possibilities which confuses the hell out of us, especially when we are not even sure what is it that we want from life. it seems easy to just declare that you want to be happy. so whatever you do, it should make you happy. but sometimes it doesn't work this way. as much as you are in control of your own destiny and your actions, one does not exist alone in society and in this world. we, as an individual, is just a minute creation amidst the world's wonders. so many things are beyond our control. and many a time, it is precisely these things beyond our control that are hampering our constant search for happiness.

we live our lives as people living amongst other people. we seek recognition, acceptance and determine our self-worth from people's appreciation of what we do and what we're capable of. it's never good enough to just be happy about what you do. for real appraisal doesn't come from the one to oneself. yet, when happiness can only be derived from other people's appraisal of you, you will never be happy. for no one is responsible for, or obliged to help you deal with your issues.

the lola who's introspective often turns into the lola who's unproductive. lola needs to take charge and move forward.

the dating game

the world of dating has evolved quite remarkably these days, such that it has become rather difficult to 'catch up' unless you're a regular or seasoned dater. as we get busier, more efficient, and less patient, we've come to develop a new expectation of dating - that dating has to be as efficient as everything else in our lives. meaning we try too hard to get to know someone too fast, so we can quickly gather as much information about them within the shortest period of time, after which we can quickly come to a conclusion as to whether or not this fellow is the one we're looking for in a mate. it's almost like playing a volatile stock. we invest the least time possible, while trying to gain as much (knowledge) about this stock. then once we've 'acquired' this stock, we then try to decide whether or not it's worth our while to pump in more money, or in this case, other intangibles such as time and love. while this seems like a pretty good screening strategy in our constant search for the most suitable mate, we often don't realise the important steps we're missing out in the process of dating. let's put it this way, if we decide on the person based on his qualities that we've spotted in the brief period of mutual interaction, that leaves us little room to develop unexplainable feelings for the person - the mysterious process of 'falling in love'. also, going into a relationship, expecting the person to be what we initially think of him as, is a slow but sure route to killing the relationship in the end, for this leaves no room for compromise. say the guy fails to live up to our initial expectation, will we then deem him an unsuitable candidate? for when a relationship develops out of logical analysis of the couple's compability, there's no reason for one party to condone the other for his flaws. but when you allow yourself to first develop the feelings, then analyse the compability, then there's a reason to tell yourself, "ah i can take his shit, cos i love him." i'm not advocating for the blind taking of your partner's abuse in any way. what i'm saying however, is that in an ideal situation, there should be time allocated for two people to really fall in love. and even within an established relationship, there should be many leeways for compromise and excuses. so even if either party has lost all his brownie points for one reason or another, he would be given many more by his mate, unconditionally. he shouldn't have to be subjected to the danger of being declared an ex just for failing to live up to his expectations. invest a bit more time, and a seemingly short-lived, volatile bond might prove to be a profitable long term unit trust. passion is frivilous, but real love lasts for a long time.

the downs of loving

We are facing a crisis. I won't deny that. Even though we are apparently okay and still talking normally, there's already an unspoken strain in our relationship that has brought us to a point where there's a very thin thread holding us together. And this thread may snap at any moment. All it needs is a catalyst. We are officially on a break. A break away from each other where we don't see each other, as if we are not apart enough. Well he said he needed space; some "breathing space" in his own words.
I guess it's still impossible for him to share everything with me, his ups and downs. He's still very much an independent individual who likes to be emotional independent. I do understand where he's coming from though. It's always much easier to be emotionally independent, for you prevent yourself from being vulnerable and you prevent yourself from getting hurt in any way. I guess I'm a weakling in this manner. When I love someone, I literally throw my whole being into the relationship, becoming emotionally dependent on my source of support, my real pillar of strength. And him, being there for me, has to take my shit. And I will do the same. But this is not the case of us. He's just not up for it. I don't know if he'll ever be. I've always known that he has a lot of things in his mind and his life that he's unwilling to share with me. I'm not sure why though. Is he afraid that I may look at him differently if those aspects of his life are revealed to me? Is he worried that by me knowing so much, should we cease to be together, I will have a lot of things I can hold against him? He just can't trust. Not me, not anyone. And whenever I bring this up he just gets mad and tries to avoid the whole issue. It's a problem, and I can totally see it getting worse. It's just too bad that I really fell in love with this guy. So I have to accept this whole shit and try to make it work. I'm not sure if I can, and I'm not sure what I can really do to make it work. But really, I've laid down my cards and thrown the ball back at his court. I told him that I love him, I care about him, and respect him. I'm proud of him and will support him in whatever he chooses to do, even though I may not like what he eventually chooses to do. And now he's the one who's unsure. He's unsure if he really loves me. He's unsure that he wants to be in this relationship. And he can't even tell me that he loves me, or misses me, or cares about me. All he can say is, "give me time. don't force me." If I really want to be angry, I can. But I won't. For it's not going to make things any better. I'll give him the space he wants. Although I can see that he's distancing himself away from me. And I have this feeling that we will eventually be apart. I'll be sad, for sure. But I'll survive. Like I always have.

all i wanna do is find a way back into love

just finished watching "music and lyrics" - finally. and as usual, it's one of those feel-good movies that make you feel all "ohhhhhh" nice and woozy after. but hey i'm a sucker so i shall keep my mouth shut. but truly, if you think about it, no matter how much one apparently rejects this whole lovey dovey notions of romantic love, slamming soppy love songs by boybands and the like, i believe that everyone wants a piece of it deep down inside. no one wants to admit to enjoying watching TITANIC, or liking james blunt's "you're beautiful", yet everyone is constantly seeking for that special someone that can awaken the special feelings they have inside. the whole butterflies in stomach, constant rush of adrenaline and happy hormones drama.

the best memories in a relationship occurs during the courtship stage, where both parties are still trying to get to know each other; when three-hour phonecalls and continous sms-es back and forth are their staple diets. sure, couples may talk about how their growing together in the relationship is the ingredient that makes their relationship stronger and better. but think about it, who doesn't want to go back to the time when disagreements hardly surface because both are too consumed by the notions of love and passion to disagree? i'm not saying that we should all have all these skeletons in our closets and suppress all disagreements in a bid to maintain a superficially harmonious relationship. but really, when the going gets tough in a relationship, it's sometimes the best memories we have in the beginning that reminds us how precious the other party is to us, and how much we'd rather minimise the bad times and maximise the good times. but i digress.

so what exactly is love? it's easy saying i love you over and over again, but truly, what does loving mean? my mom once told me that love is the yardstick to measure how much shit you can take from your other half. that is to say, even if your other half annoys you to hell, if there is love, you will find some way and space and moments in your heart to forgive and tolerate him. and this is not once or twice, but over time.

hence when you say "i love you" to someone, it's reflective of your feelings towards him at this particular moment. but unknowingly, you are also laying down a promise of tolerance and acceptance of his flaws and giving out advance forgiveness and apologies you will extend upon future disagreements. unless of course, you'd rather say something like, "i love you now" or "i love you at this moment in time". but we're getting a little too technical here.

my intention is to get away from just the notion of love, so i can find the real meaning of love, to my interpretation. poetry and romance are bonuses, icing on the cake, but it's the ingredients that matter. and life is a continuous journey in search of that perfect interpretation, though active searching is equivalent to shooting yourself in the foot. for it will find you, when the time comes.

dancing lola

this is a new start. same girl, same life, new stories, and a new openness and willingness to share my stories with whomever cares to read. (in this blogging world, reading substitues listening).

why dancing lola? well, for those who've known me for some time knows that i've always loved the song copacabana, and will sing enthusiastically to the verses "her name is lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there." it's such a happy, cabaret-style song about a showgirl, and yet the story tells of such a tragic end -

Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl
But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it's a disco, but not for Lola
Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair
She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her Tony
Now she's lost her mind!

how tragic, but how beautiful.

then there's this other song which is pretty much my favourite cha cha cha song - whatever lola wants, lola gets, which speaks of the wilful side of me.

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets
And little man, little Lola wants you
Make up your mind to have no regrets
Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through
I always get what I aim for
And your heart'n soul is what I came for

such a little bitch! but i like that.

i take on lola's persona, for lola is who i want to be in my dancing. the morphing of a confident little bitch who knows exactly what she wants and knows when and how to get it, and the fancy little showgirl (aside from the part where she lost her mind), who lives her life loving and performing; true to her emotions all the way to the end.

and so i am lola.

i have moved

Guess I've been wanting to change my blog since sometime back, for very practical reasons of being able to share my blog more openly with my friends. For as you know, this blog is quite personal, and contains way too many stories of my past that I would rather not disclose or be reminded of. But my procastination never seems to fail me and I've managed to push the matter to the back of my head. And today I've finally made an actual action to realise my plan. So I'll move. There are heaps of stories about dancing and training, and work, and travelling that I like to share with my friends, and I will, once this new blog is up. Right now, it's all under construction. But I'm glad. It's kind of like a new start for me. Still the same old joy joy, but a better one.

it takes work

I haven't been here for a while now, having just been able to make up all kinds of excuses not to blog. And it's not to difficult to realise that it's only when I face issues regarding affairs of the heart will I make any sort of appearance here. It's 1. to clear my head 2. to unleash my frustrations through the most harmless way possible 3. to express the emotions I may not be able to vocalise via other means.

Recently discovered certain things that bothered me. It may not be something major per se, but like I said so many times, it's not the content, but the implication that is the problem. I thought it has been sorted out, and that the incident will help us move forward. Little did I know that it did just the opposite. Not only did it not enhance what we have, instead, it ruins the budding flower that was growing so well, and looking so promising. It's almost like one of my favourite old songs - layu sebelum berkembang. My best friend told me that it's often the case that something that's meant to be yours for a long time, if not forever, will be one that's going to give you the most problems. It's only if you could overcome all these obstacles, that you will reap the sweet fruits later on in your life, and your lives. I guess this is a romantic rendition of all the greatest love stories, but will it end in tragedy? How tiring is this.

I feel that this is one of those things that will make or break us. Will we get through this?