sunday lazy sunday

What a lovely Sunday. Spent most of the day playing the much awaited rock band with the little sister, then went on to get some groceries, followed by dinner and gossip session with a close girlfriend. Life's good. So even though here I am, sitting at the office waiting for my files to be transferred in preparation for yet another work trip tomorrow morning, I can't complain. 


Realised that I've slowed down. Not necessarily in a bad way. Just learning to take things easy and not worry unnecessarily. Life's too short to be bogged down by negative thinking. Like what everyone keeps telling me, work's never gonna get all done. There's always gonna be something to do, something to complete. Of course, one has got to be careful when following this mantra. It's just too easy to continue chanting this and then let the work pile up...and then stress about it later. 


In any case, as cliched as it may sound, balance is indeed the key. Go all out during the workdays, then let it all go on the rest days. After all, it's a marathon eh, not a 100m race. 


At last, the transfer is done. Time to head home and enjoy the rest of the lazy Sunday. 

lola's not dancing yet again

Went to the studio tonight after a long period of absence. Sporadic absence really, having visited the studio every now and then for the odd lesson or two whenever I'm in town. The studio was packed, which is not unexpected considering the competition is coming up very soon. Everyone's psyched to dance well and the studio was alive. And yet I was there only to teach. Not to dance.

While teaching is definitely a good way of keeping up, so that my dancing does not completely go to hell, it's very different, and barely enough to keep me even remotely satisfied. Competitive dancing had been such a huge part of my life, it seems so strange that it's not even close to being a part of my regular schedule now.

And it's funny how everyone's really sensitive about it, careful not to mention my lack of partner or ask me when I'm ever going to start dancing again. I don't mind, really. I'm not going to wallow in self pity just because I cannot find a competitive dance partner suitable for me. After all it's no easy feat to find a compatible dance partner. For he has to match you in height and size, skill level, dancing personality, level of motivation and commitment, passion, determination, and confidence...just to name a few. And most of all, there needs to be dancing chemistry, which is the hardest element to find of all.

It's different from the chemistry between a mutually attracting man and woman. This chemistry involves the action-reaction between the lead and the follow. With good chemistry, the lead becomes more masculine, and the follow, much more feminine. The man shall be so macho, and the woman so sexy. They will move as one, dancing to the crowd and to each other, with close connection and feel. When he makes a mistake, she will too, not intentionally, but just because she is so completely connected to him it is impossible to do otherwise.

That's chemistry.

Although I am active with running and other activities like the random rollerblading or hiking or what have you, I still feel a hollowness without dancing in my life. All of a sudden I have too much time on my hands. And there's only so much time one can fill with work before one get burnt out. And of course, I have way too much energy. No backaches, no muscle aches, no bruises or broken toenails. How very strange.

In any case, I'm not sure when I'd be so lucky to be able to dance competitively again. I hope it'll be sooner rather than later. But I am not putting my hopes high. For the higher your expectations are, the more disappointed you'll feel when these are not met. If there is little expectation, whatever you get shall be a bonus in itself.

finding zen within me

I've always been a restless child I suppose; constantly wanting to do more and more with my life, fill my schedules to the fullest so I'd feel that I'm making full use of my time. Growing up, I'd have a timetable for myself outside of what I'm obliged to follow in school. Swimming and dance on alternate days, organ lessons in the weekends and what have you. Come to think of it, what was motivation? Perhaps it was the desire for learning. Or it could very well be my attempt at finding something that I would actually stick with.


When I found dancesport, the restlessness subsided a little, as it's a full committment that takes up most of what leisure time I have apart from work. Without it, I seem to have too much energy all the time. Despite my long work hours, the abundance of energy is constantly looking for outlets to dissipate.


I guess running is one way.


Sometimes though, I wonder if such restless energy stems from a need for something more; something I am seaching for. A kind of peace. A certain stability. Almost a routine. Not a routine in the way of work, pub, home. But a routine as in work, passion, stability. Sounds vague, abstract almost. But I know exactly how it should feel. The difficulty lies in attaining it.


It's a journey. Some people are lucky to get it first, while others may spend their entire lives looking for it, and may not even find it. Two possibilities: Some may not know what they're looking for, finding something and then realising that it's not what they're looking for, then starting to search again. While others may know exactly what they're looking for, and yet will never find it due to idealistic notions of having the sort of perfection they have in mind.


If I were to classify myself in one of the two categories of unlucky explorers, I'd be the initial. Searching, finding, failing, losing, and starting the search all over again. Light at the end of the tunnel being that I am not a jaded explorer. Oh thank my lucky star that I'm such a romantic! I'd search and find, and if I fall, I'd get back on my feet and begin my next journey.


The journey may not be pleasant at times. And I'd wonder if it's worth going through the trouble in search of the supposed stability that I believe I'd find in the end. But to give up, and live a life wondering "what if?"...that'll truly kill me slowly.


So I move along and continue my journey, knowing that in my attempt at attaining this gem of stability, I have to first find the zen within me.

Making it up in 2010

I can't believe it's 2010. And already half of it is almost over. Where did time go? I've been keeping myself so chockful of activities that some just got the impression that I am one with too much time on her hands, aka not so busy at work. How else would I be able to take part in seemingly so many leisurely activities? To de-stress I said. In my line of work, it's difficult not to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Things are moving so fast, with so many rapid changes and sudden movements. It's not rare that we're put in a situation where fast decisions have to be made (not without their consequences). A big hat for a small girl to put on. That's why whenever I can, that is, when I'm not slogging my ass off or having to travel somewhere (again), I like to fill my time with things I enjoy; spending time with people whose company I appreciate. So I can be happy.

I guess in many ways I'm making it up for all this time I'm waiting around for something to happen. Wanting and planning to do so many things without actually getting around to doing them. 2009 passed by without me doing much. A lot of working, yes. But nothing much else. So I'm making it up in 2010.

Besides, I'm not dancing competitively now for the lack of a good partner. Having lost this automatically frees up most of my leisure time. It sucks. And I really miss dancing. But rather than moping around, I guess I have to find some kind of a substitute. But it's not easy, since there aren't many people who are as restless as me; who wants to do many things within a limited amount of time. What do I do? I just make do. When it can happen, I go for it, without planning much. Too much planning can sometimes lead to no action in the end. Either that or it can lead to a loss in the sense of surprise. The little bit of a bonus at the very end. Everything becomes too predictable, less exciting and so...Taurean.

Perhaps I am looking for something. What exactly that thing is, I'm not so sure. All I can do though is to wade through without expectations. Cos I won't know what I'm looking for, until the day I realise that I've stopped searching.

spending my time

Has it occurred to you that while many people seem to complain about not having enough time for everything, we do actually have a substantial amount to spend. It all depends on how you spend it. For example, what do we do on Sundays? Do we sleep for twelve hours and then spend the rest of the time in front of the TV? Well, sometimes I do. That, and playing countless hours of Lexulous. Still, there are many hours to burn! 

So I keep thinking of ways to spend my time more meaningfully. Thoughts like: perhaps I should work more (but I'm already clocking about 50 hours or so a week); perhaps I should exercise more (but I'm already exercising 5-6 days a week); or perhaps I should spend more time dancing (but I need a competitive dance partner!); or perhaps I should start reading again (now this I can do, only if I stop being so lazy and procrastinating). 

And then I start thinking: what do other people do to spend their time? Work? Go out? Shop? Watch movies? Play games? But don't those things get meaningless after a while? 

I think back on my days as a student in Van and I don't remember ever feeling bored at any time. Yes, I was busy. But not THAT busy. In fact, I probably had more time than I do now, considering school was pretty much own time own target, and so was dance. In retrospect however, being a student was always a little easier. For the focus is clear. Your responsibility is to study, and hopefully get good grades. That's your focus and your goal. The rest is just peripheral distractions. 

It gets a little bit more complicated when you grow up and become a "real adult", although sometimes I wonder if some people ever grow up at all. Being an adult with "real responsibilities" seem to define your focus for you, well, that is - you have to fulfill those responsibilities! Ironically however, it may result in your losing focus. Because you are so intent on fulfilling those responsibilities. Example: maybe one needs to work and make enough money so one can afford a house and a car, and maybe a family. So one gets on it and start working their ass off to achieve those goals. But of course, such goals are not achievable in the short term, unless a lottery is struck or an unexpected inheritance is received. So by keeping one's focus on this, in the meantime, one will constantly feel a lack of sense of achievement. And when the goals are achieved, instead of happiness, there will be a sense of loss. What to do next? So in this sense, there is a lack of focus, precisely because the length of time to reach the destination cannot be easily measured. It may take three or four years to get a degree, but how long will it take for one to "get there" in their material pursuits? 

So going back to the issue of spending time. Is one's time then best spent on one's work in order to achieve something and be somebody? Or should it be spent on trying to find an inner peace (not necessarily spiritual) by constantly exploring and understanding oneself in and out. Human beings are varied and complicated. Each person is unique and demanding in their own ways, depending on their needs and priorities. To make do is an easy yet cowardly way out. 

Hopefully the next time when I need to make a choice to spend my time in one way or another, I'll make the choice that maximises my satisfaction and contributes towards my self understanding and thus my eventual happiness. 

the stupidity that makes us human

We were having dinner tonight when Jane commented on the stupidity of moths who intentionally fly into fires, only to burn themselves to death. It's instinct says P. And then I said, "Well, human beings are stupid too. Even though we know that doing certain things will hurt us, we do them anyway." And it's true. 

In some ways, risk-taking reflects just this. We take risks when we do certain things, knowing the consequences we have to bear should we fail. Yet, the rewards can be so tempting that we're willing to expose ourselves to such vulnerability. No venture no gain; no gain without pain, right? 

Let's explore another example. Logically speaking, we should be nice to the people who are nice to us, right? But don't you find yourselves taking the people who are nice to you for granted, and instead, focusing your energy pleasing those who might not treat you even half as well. Why? It may be due to personal biased feelings (of like, love, passion...whatever), or due to the closet sadomasochism that everyone has inside us. What's unattainable just seems more precious. 

The ironic truth however, is this: It's not what you do, it's what you mean to the person. If it's not the right one, it doesn't matter what you do, it'll still be irritate and drive the recipient further away. 

Should we then just try to be not so stupid, and weigh all factors before deciding what to do in everything? In an ideal world, absolutely. 

But we're humans. And just as history always repeats itself, we'll err again and again; doing a lot of things driven by a desire just to do it. (Just because).

So then just accept it, and try not to blame ourselves too much for our stupidity.  

  

the quest for happiness

There's a somewhat insightful article on the Sunday Times today about the irony of trying too hard to be happy. According to the writer, there are some people who are constantly ecstatic; putting on perpetually happy faces, even when deep down inside, they are actually masking their own unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

Come to think of it, it's not an entirely bad thing to do just that. Why should one focus on all the unpleasant things in life which are depressing? Might as well focus on the happy things that may bring a smile to your face. Unless of course, you end up lying to yourself about how you really feel. Masking your own unhappiness for others is one thing, but it's an entirely different tragedy should you end up believing your own lies, truly believing that you're happy. When deep down inside, you might be burying a time bomb that's just waiting to explode. 

The writer goes on to talk about how happiness is a fleeting emotion, and the real journey should be focused instead on finding "joy" in one's life. Easier said than done. While the dictionary definition of "joy" might be confined to "feelings of great happiness", I believe the meaning encompasses the need to feel at peace. Be it with yourself or your situation. When one feels no peace, one cannot experience joy. Now this is not an easy thing to attain. Firstly, this requires a certain degree of control over your external environment. That is, no one, or nothing, should upset the comfortable environment that you need to feel at peace. Secondly, you need to control your emotions such that there is close to perfect satisfaction you feel about your situation - be it financial, physical, spiritual or emotional. Of course it's impossible to be perfectly satisfied. If one were perfectly satisfied, what are we living for? The journey will be for nothing. 

Point is, finding joy is as difficult as finding true happiness. 

But we shouldn't give up on that. For this is what gives us hope. 

An old friend once criticised me by saying that by constantly immersing myself in worldly things and activities - working long hours, shopping etc, I fail to be introspective about my life. Now I am glad to accept constructive criticisms. But this is an absolutely fleeting, judgmental, and wildly self-righteous comment. Must we really distant ourselves from these so-called worldly activities (and enter a state of meditation?) or maybe objective indifference, to be able to introspectively examine our own lives? Not necessarily so.

We keep ourselves busy not to numb ourselves from the worldly pains or to avoid facing certain issues we might be reluctant to face. Rather, it's to give us something concrete and definite to focus on while we work our way through the more indefinite and thus difficult issues in life. Like our happiness for instance. 

After all, it takes a long time to find the answers we're searching for. And most of the time, these are not definite answers but merely gradual revelations that we'll discover as we walk along. 

So in the quest of finding our "true happiness" or dare I say, UTOPIA, all we can do is live our lives the best way(s) we know how. Doing things we need or want to do, and hope each day gets closer and closer to the 100% we wish to feel.