let it be

friends who have known me for a while know me to be a little bit of a control freak; a little bit obsessive, and i suppose, a little bit idealistic. i like expectations and some kind of predictability; knowing what's ahead of me. realistically however, many things are beyond our control, and i just have to learn to accept it, and let it be. 

talked to my mom about some issues i've been mulling over and was surprised at her views on them. though i must say, i'm pleased that she thinks this way. perfectly in sync with my own take on things. while atypical, and though many people may choose to disagree, i do think what she suggested would be a good solution to help solve the issues i'm facing. though they cannot be solved right away, i guess it'll make things better somehow. 

but now i just have to pscyh myself to let it be. be calm. be cool. and let it be. 

random in sibu

Yet another night in Sibu. 
It's alright really, just a short trip. And the work's good, as usual. Getting a lot of things done, completing outstanding stuff. All those good things associated with Operation and Project management. But nights are always a tad harder to get by. Lucky for me, I managed to hijack the free internet connection with my MAC. I LOVE MY MAC!!! Since it's virtually impossible to connect using my teeny weeny netbook. So at least I can rant and whine on my blog, stalk my friends' fb pages, and those other wonderful stuff that are made possible by the internet. 


I'm restless again. 


They took me to a new cafe for dinner tonight. CAFE O CAFE is the name. It's a nice place! I don't mind just sitting there to stone for a couple of hours. The food's pretty decent, the milk tea is rich and not too sweet, the place is cooling and not smoky, and best of all, it plays 80s and 90s ROCK BALLAD! How awesome is that? I was really pleased. Had some fried beehoon, hot honey lemon and hot milk tea, feeling totally rejuvenated. Was pretty lethargic the whole day and kept falling asleep after a few pages of MR PIP that I've been trying to finish. So I felt a lot better after that dinner. I will definitely go back there again. 


Stalked one of my acquaintances' FB photo albums and saw some great pics taken during the last comp that I avoided. Made me miss dancing again :( Although I'm still training, honestly, it's totally not the same. I miss the focus, the direction, the drive, the competition, the thirst to improve, the hunger to do better each time, the make up, the costumes, the training, the hours spent honing that one crazy move, the quarrels with dance partner, the frustrations, the indescribable sense of pride and achievement after nailing that difficult routine, and most of all, the rush of adrenaline once we hit the floor...thinking of nothing but dancing strictly from the heart. Miss it. Miss it a lot. Nothing's quite the same. 

Gonna randomly end the post with one of my favourite songs: SUARA KUBERHARAP

di sini aku masih sendiri

merenungi hari-hari sepi

aku tanpamu, masih tanpamu

bila esok hari datang lagi

ku coba hadapi semua ini

meski tanpamu oooh meski tanpamu

bila aku dapat bintang yang berpijar

mentari yang tenang bersamaku disini

ku dapat tertawa menangis merenung

di tempat ini aku bertahan

suara dengarkanlah aku

apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

suara dengarkanlah aku

apakah aku slalu dihatinya

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

kalau ku masih tetap disini

ku lewati semua yang terjadi

aku menunggumu, aku menunggu

suara dengarkanlah aku

apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

suara dengarkanlah aku

apakah aku ada dihatinya

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Awesome song.

hocus focus

I am entirely convinced that I am more comfortable with keeping a small group of close friends and selected individuals, rather than keep up with an extensive social circle. Without any intention to offend any friends of mine, frankly, I get a bit disoriented when I get involved in way too many social activities. It's not that I don't try. Precisely because I know that I'm the type who usually put all my eggs in very few baskets, that starting this year, I've been expanding my social circle and attending more social activities, instead of just cooping myself in my little comfort zone of work, dance, run, and solitude. Which has been good really. I've been having a lot of fun. But despite being surrounded by way more people, it still doesn't change the usual feeling I have of being alone. Now that sounded a little emo there. But that wasn't the intention. While I do have great friends who have stood by me through difficult times, there's still something missing. For lack of a better description, I suppose that missing element is what we'd like to term a soulmate. Though really, how do we know when someone is really our soulmate? Out of so many people in the world with such varying personalities and preferences, I'd be so lucky to find someone I can get along for an extended period of time with. And I don't mean just getting along in terms of having fun, just during the good times. But also getting along in the manner that both can totally just be ourselves with no air of self consciousness or too much restrain, as we both know that no judgement will be made on each other. Not necessarily a total understanding cos that'd be idealistic; nor would we be twins cos that would just be somewhat narcissistic and...well, freaky. But there would be an acceptance, of the fact that we're different, and yet complementary. See? It's hard enough looking for someone to really get along with, how would we ever find a soulmate? Or maybe this whole soulmate business is just a pretty way of packaging what I've just described above?

focus girl, focus.

I am exceptionally bored and moody tonight. I'm not quite sure why. I've just been so bloody restless; feeling like I've got way too much energy and not enough means to channel it to. I think I've been doing too much but not intensively enough. It's grazing - something I'm totally not used to. I've always been a pretty focused person. I don't get myself involved in too many things. But for those I get involved in, I get really involved in. It's in the discipline man. But now, I feel like I'm doing so many things and losing focus. Totally losing focus now. What am I gonna do?! What should I do?

Maybe I should cut down on my activities and just focus on figuring out What I really want. Or I could just spend the time on work. At least it'll be something productive.

I need to really focus.

for lack of a suitable title

I truly dislike how weekends just fly by. It's now the first ten minutes of Monday, which equates to yet another work week. Honestly, work doesn't bother me. I like to work. It's the work travel that can be a pain sometimes. It just completely breaks my momentum. And it makes me feel ungrounded somehow. Like there's a lack of stability in my life. And being a true blue Taurean, I do not like it one bit. But I suppose it's part of the deal, and I can't complain. Plus, it has been a pretty awesome week in many ways. 


Aside from Monday, I've been out every night this week. The Full Monty on Tuesday; Firehouse on Wednesday; Basketball on Thursday; Texas Hold'em on Friday; Golf on Saturday and a full training plus shopping on Sunday. Weekend starts early baby! Yet, for some reason, I still feel a little...unsettled. Why is that? 


Anyway, I am starting to ramble. 

I really like this picture. It's cute. T'was a friendly cat and one very amused baby. I looked happy don't I? 
































Night.

discovering what i need

I wish I could list out what I need in a checklist, as if making a grocery list of what I am looking for in a relationship. But I can't. Qualities are just qualities, and when the right one comes along, the supposed checklist of qualities you're looking for are rendered useless. Immediately thrown out of the window. When fate brings you a gift, the rest becomes irrelevant. I suppose the qualities you desire in a mate serves as some sort of resume that determines the kind of person you're attracted to, be it physically, intellectually, spiritually, or watnot. But in reality, this "checklist" sort of evolves as you mature emotionally, to a point that you sometimes wonder if this checklist evolves based on the qualities you've come to accept on the person you've grown to love, or because you've slowly discovered what you need from your better half.

Every relationship is like a trial and error. Yes it is nice to believe that there's someone out there who's placed on this earth just for you. And yes, the romantic in me does believe that to a certain extent. But I can't yet fathom how some people claim they will know who is "THE ONE" once they've met that person. For I think we''ll never know until the relationship is tried and tested by time and circumstances. And this means allowing yourself to be vulnerable; open to the possibilities of either having happiness that could last for a long time, or pain that could be freaking unbearable to the point you wished you haven't taken that risk to love.

You weigh all these based on what you feel you need. I say feel because the realisation of what you want from a relationship should come from your heart, not your head. Yes it is easy to be all realistic and "figure" out what you need, if you come from a logical standpoint. But love should not be entirely logical, should it? Wouldn't it be pretty sad if falling in love becomes something that can be calculated and predicted based on logic and analysis? Then it will be "making it happen", and not "just letting it happen", which is a huge huge difference.

I have stopped thinking about a checklist these days. Cos' I never seem to use it anyway. But I am more conscious and aware f what I prefer. And in attempt to sum up the indescribable, let's just bring it down to sustainability. Whatever it is, it should be sustainable. Easier said than done of course. But it's of utmost importance. The rest is just decoration.

between planner and a free spirit

Sometimes I am caught in between being a painfully systematic and organised planner and an impulse-driven, instinct trusting free spirit. On the surface it is no question that I am the former; always working better in an environment where I have control over the situation and constantly knowing what's happening and what's going on. Yet, when it comes to core issues that are less seen and known by casual acquaintances, I refuse to succumb to planning and calculated moves. For that takes away from the spontaneity and the "naturalness" (for lack of a better description) of things. And that's so important! Especially in a society where having a plan and executing things according to said plan is valued above anarchic style of doing things. Which is all good...for work.

I was having a conversation with someone a while back, and told him that should my mom had chosen a different path in life, she might have been a wanbdering hippie. And he said, "maybe you too, like mother like daughter". not to take it literally that hippie equates to the stereotypical 60s peace-loving, pot-smoking vegan with bell bottoms. But maybe I do have it in me if I was in a different situation: to be a free spirit who goes where the wind takes me (in my caravan?). What a hilarious sight it would be.

That, supposedly, would make me disoriented and nervous, as that equates to placing me in environments that are constantly out of my control. But I can't help but wonder, if ever such an opportunity presents itself, would I have the guts to take it?