something stupid

originally posted on 6 november 2007 (moved here from dancinglola)

it has been going so well. after much long talks, some arguments and uncertainties, tears and distance, we finally set a pace that seemed comfortable for the both of us. we have been spending way more time together, good quality time. sure, he's still bothered by some issues he thinks might be potential problems we will face in the future, even if they seem insignificant at the moment; and i am still trying to grasp him more completely, as he's more complicated than he thinks he is. but just because of something stupid that i did, we are in a less than desirable situation. no quarrel, just sour. i know i shouldn't have. it's my fault to have said that. and i know in his position, what i said hurt him. for having said that implied that i have harboured such a thought, and that's an attack to him. i shouldn't have. but i guess i am still trying to figure out how much is too much, and how frequent is too frequent. for sometimes he will be in my face everyday and every moment; while at other times he seems to be completely unable to make time for me. it can be quite exasperating. for this hampers my ability to plan my day and time. i guess we should just go on with our lives and not put everything on a halt just because we are now spending more time together. but having said this, i know he feels disappointed if i have previous engagements and can't spend time with him, or whenever i am overseas on a work assignment or something or the other. so it's sort of a difficult situation. i know i should take it easy and work with whatever we have. after all, he has already given me his word that he loves me and is trying his best to make our relationship work. and that he isn't going to think about the whole 'status' issue that's detrimental to the development of our relationship. he has given me his word just yesterday, and seems convinced that i love him for who is he, completely and without a doubt. so i hope today's just a residue of his fatigue and migrane and my complete childishness in posing extra pressure on him while knowing his tiredness. it's the same mistake over and over again. but i am not going to try to message to rectify the situation or anything like that. i'll just take it slow and let him settle his things first, then we'll see how things go from there.

coming back

it's been awhile since i last blogged. i think 1. i got busy 2. i got lazy. many things have happened since then, and even if i were just to outline the major events, this entry is going to be so long i would fall asleep before i even finish. so just quickly now:

1. i've started getting more involved in this whole family business thing.
2. i've just completed a competition in hong kong which i will update when i am more motivated to blog.
3. we have recently established a new company in singapore for which i am responsible.
4. we are moving to a real office (YAY!) with an awesome awesome view.
5. i've just spent the last 36 hours designing my company's website (www.starindocapricorn.com).
6. i have the task of finding new business for this company so we can hit the target of expanding the business.
7. i am turning 27 in about a month yet i feel about 20.
8. i have a test coming up in less than 15 hours and i have yet to study for it.
9. i am sleepy and delirious.

that sums it all for the moment.

anyway, i will come back with more of my thoughts when my brain cells are working full power.

we speak english...really?

some months ago, one of the popular radio shows featured some of the contestants from the fhm girl-next-door contest taking their bras off, and i knew that some people have put up videos of this show online. today, i was finally bored enough to get a hold of these videos to see for myself how bad this whole thing that has caused such a huge scandal is. well, the funny thing is, the whole taking off of the bra thing should not be the most appalling factor in the videos. instead, people should be more concerned with the level of spoken english used by these contestants. it brings to mind two things: 1. brawns do not go with brains; you can either have boobs or brains (of which most of the girls had neither); and 2. singaporeans can't speak english. okay, i know the latter is a pretty harsh statement that most of us would rather spend our entire lives trying to deny, bringing in proof of the high standard of written english singaporean students produce compared to their native-speaking american counterparts. but really, take anyone off the street to make a coherent statement on a simple subject, and more often than not, you'll be disappointed.

i am of the opinion that it's not a case of the lack of linguistic talent. rather, it's the attitude that most singaporeans have about speaking good english on a daily basis. and this goes beyond embracing singlish, which has become a part of the singaporean culture and identity. instead, many people have allowed their spoken english to transform into a language of laziness, substituting real words with sounds, abbreviations (as what we use for online messaging), bad grammar and flawed syntax. as such, we not only have a "peculiar" accent, but also an unintelligible way of speaking. i am not trying to be a know-all prude here mind you, in fact, i am ashamed to admit that i am sometimes guilty of the same charge. and while it is perfectly acceptable to speak this way within the singaporean context, (in fact one is often deemed pretentious when speaking in another, more orthodox way), once taken out from our comfort zone into another english-speaking society, our flawed speech is magnified by a thousand times.

now even if we were to preserve singlish as part of our daily speech, are we justified in neglecting the usage of complete sentences and proper grammar in conveying our thoughts and intentions? instead of saying "don't be like this lah!" (which is singlish), should we make it worse by saying "don't like this lah!"? no wonder fascinated "angmohs" who try to emulate singlish-speaking by adding "lah" at the end of every sentence never seem to succeed, since the rest of their sentences were too proper to begin with.

the only worrying thing about this phenomenon is the fact that our current and future generation of youths will find it a great challenge to convince the rest of the world that we can be both intelligent workers and eloquent speakers. accent aside, the least we can do is to try to put all those english lessons we had as children into good use, on a daily basis.

though it is ironic that i am putting myself in singaporean shoes despite the fact that i am not even singaporean, i take it upon myself that i am part of the culture, having spent most of my childhood in this country. i am currently based in both singapore and my country of origin, indonesia, and i see that when indonesians speak bad english, it's mostly due to a lack of aptitude in the language, not due to a laziness in manifesting the correct usage of the language. yet in singapore, as i've previously mentioned, we have been sufficiently educated in the language, since english is the country's first language, and yet, for one reason or another, we choose not to utilise this knowledge that we have. shouldn't we we change this? after all, we wouldn't want to be asked what our first language is whenever we are on tour with people who have no clue where singapore is, would we?

remembering 2007

it's 16 minutes to the start of 2008 as i'm writing this. we are at home on the last minutes of 2007 having a quiet gathering. it's just like any other night, three sisters, each doing our own thing..but we are together. my visiting brother is the only restless one, pacing up and down, uncomfortable being confined in our home. oh well, neither of us feels like going out in this crowd..the sweat, the bumping around. ewww!

2007 has been a pretty interesting year for me, with lots of changes and unexpected events in various aspects of my life.

career
just not too long ago, i was still slogging away in my previous job, trying to learn as much as possible and get into the habit of being an OL (office lady). i was trying to find my focus and direction; trying to decide if that industry was the one i wanted to be in. then i realised that the job wasn't my calling (if you believe in that kind of stuff), and my mom took the opportunity to coax me back to the family business. it took me some time to think over, and on 15 may 2007, i finally left the company and officially went back to where i knew i couldn't run away from. it was just a matter of time. it's been about half a year now, and i am still learning the ropes. i guess my parents have been pretty supportive of me, giving me a lot of guidance and yet also room to grow. yet i know that 2008 is going to be a challenge for me. there will be more expectations, more shuttling between pku and sg, and more mental and emotional strength needed to juggle between work, family ties, and sensitive feelings all around. i'm apprehensive, yet also excited. can i deal with it?

(two minutes to countdown and i have to get ready for cake-cutting and birthday song singing for my little sis who was born on 1 january some 19 years back)

thirty minutes later and i'm back. where was i?

dance
upon my return from vancouver, i was resigned to the fate of having no suitable dance partner, and was intending on retiring from competitive dancesport, when i met a dance partner early this year. we danced together for 3 months, and then split due to as they say, "irreconcilable differences". i disappeared for a while, gained 4 pounds, before i received a call from my dance teacher telling me that she wanted me to dance with this dancer from australia. what luck! i was quite hesitant at first as i didn't know how committed i would have to be in the partnership and i wasn't sure if i was up to it. the first try-out was horrendous, but we managed to secure the partnership anyway. three months of training and we won first runner-up in the singapore closed category (latin grade A) at Lion City Dancesport Competition 2007. We got 7th place in the rising star category, missing the finals by a mere point and only managed to dance one round in the IDSF open category. three months later, we went to tokyo for our second competition and became the first singapore dance couple to ever make it into the semi-finals on the first try. we earned 10th position in the idsf open category. not too shabby but of course still a long way to go. but dancing is going pretty well, which is very encouraging considering the fact that i never thought i'd be so lucky as to be able to put so much into it at this point in my life. sometimes i am so happy i could cry.


my body
i was never really fat. only chubby at certain points of my life. but i was also never skinny. yet since september 2007 my weight and my size started going down, so much so that i could no longer fit into a lot of my pants, and people started telling me how much i've gone down, even though i honestly don't think i've lost THAT much weight. some people even suspected that i had an eating disorder since they feel that the change is way too drastic. all too dramatic. i like this change though. my clothes fit better and i look amazing in my dance costumes. i admit i get a little too obsessed over my abs. and on some days when i bloat or my abs can't be seen, i get a little crazy. but hey, that's vanity at work, not too bad a disorder is it.

dating
early this year i was a single girl. and i thought i'd be single for a while. yet, fate has it that i would meet a great guy; a shiny apple among the rotten ones (no i don't hate men), someone with whom i gladly share my days with. he's a career-minded chap who's constantly busy. but i don't mind, since i'm equally busy. we give each other space and when we are together, we cherish every single moment. while we don't see each other all the time, we talk everyday, about everything and anything. though we argue and get mad at each other, the anger hardly lasts a day. it's not perfect, but it's promising. and i'm happy.


my new year's resolutions
i'm not going to dwell too much on this topic since this can be a whole separate entry on its own. but what i wish to do in the coming year is to be able to focus more on the things i need to do; to be better able to prioritise and manage my time more effectively. we always find ourselves not being able to keep our new year's resolutions, so i'm not even going to try to shoot for the stars. just keep it real, keep it simple.

goodbye 2007.

hello 2008.

and we think we have problems?

i was in Pekanbaru about two weeks ago, my supposed hometown which i barely knew, having left the place when i was a mere child. we were having breakfast at one of my parents' favourite noodle shop where i saw a young boy of about twelve or thirteen serving us noodles. he had one of the most pleasant and sincere smiles i have seen in a long time. and despite being bossed around by the more senior servers, he continued working with a slight skip, optimism shown on his innocent little face. that's one cute boy, i told my mom. as usual, my dad knew everyone in the shop. he asked one of the old-time servers about the young naughty boy who used to work in the shop and was told that he had gone off to set his own little shop. good lad! said my dad. i knew he had it in him. my dad always had a soft spot of young little rebels like that. sort of reminded him of his young self. i guess you sort of live vicariously through other boys like that when you have three daughters. anyway, back to the little boy. the server told us that this boy came from one of the villages at selat panjang, "one of the neighbouring boys" he said. mom said that it's common practice for children in those villages to start working at an early age, without much schooling. it's a tough life for them in there, said mom. and yet, when you look at him, there seems to be little grudge or pain written on his face, unlike us city folks who moan and groan about our hard day's at work or that bitchy boss or colleague or client we have to face. come on. who has got a bigger problem? at least we've all had our education. our salaries are enough not only to sustain our basic needs, but also to satisfy our whims and fancies. and boys like him? they can barely make ends meet, and even have to send money back home for their parents and siblings. there are so many people like him, and they are closer to home than we think. so whenever i start moaning and groaning about the problems i have, i look back and think of that boy, and in an instant, my apparent problems become miniscule, and i start reminding myself again of how blessed and lucky i am.

great expectations

my dance partner asked me rhetorically yesterday, "why do you think our coaches pick on us all the time? there are far worst dancers, why do they pick on us?" then he said, "because they like us, and they believe we can make it." he said this with a satisfied smile on his face, convinced that he is right. what he said got me thinking about the situation i am in now. even as a child, i feel the expectations people have of me. parents, teachers, coaches...they all seem to think i will be a somebody. expectations can be good. they usually give one positive pressure to move forward and to improve oneself. but what if these expectations are too great to bear? they can be subtle and insidious, but the pressure is still there. my parents for instance, think that i can be one of the successful 'second generation' in expanding the family business. i'm flattered. but because of that, i feel the constant need to prove myself. and it's quite stressful really, as it means compromising other aspects of my life that's equally important to me...like dance for instance. it's not that i can't devote my time into dancing. but i do feel a little guilty when i spend my time on it, as if this time could instead be put into my work. i guess a lot of the pressure is self-imposed. but i can't help it, as i can see the envy in my parents' faces when they talk about the successful second generation of their business associates and all that. anyway, is it because they love me the most that they nag at me the most? is it because they truly think that i'm the best manifestation of their mix of good genes? can i live up to these great expectations? i guess i can only do my best and que sera sera.

introspective or inefficient?

as i grow older and enter new phases in my life, i have come to accept my introspective nature. i am a person who tends to analyse (and sometimes overanalyse) a person, a situation, a feeling, an emotion, and everything that comes my way. while there were times in my life (school days for example) when i tried to be the warrior who's single-minded, solidly pursuing the 'correct' and realistic goals in life, time and events often prove that i am just not made to be those who fit in those moulds.

some may deem it a weakness or a self-inflicted pain on oneself. after all, what's the point of just thinking about everything when all these 'useless' thoughts sometimes interfere with what could have been done to make one's life more productive?maybe this is what we call the smart man's sorrow. or perhaps we can explain it via mazlow's hierarchy of needs:

Physiological Needs
Safety Needs
Social Needs
Esteem Needs
Self-Realization needs

having satisfied the most basic needs, an awful lot of time is spent trying to achieve other needs. the problem lies in the fact that these are little aspects of each category that cannot be fulfilled. for instance, while one may know a fair number of people and can technically be proud of having enough social connections and support, there are very few candidates within this category who may end up being ones who can consistent source of emotional support. unfortunately, one tends to put (almost) all our eggs in one basket. meaning to say that we may invest way too much time and energy on one or a few individuals instead of spreading our love. while this is not absolutely wrong, it puts us in a pretty vulnerable position of risking losing our support system completely should the initial source of support fail us.

when i face problems as such, i tend to logically analyse the issue and try to see if i can salvage the situation, in order to help myself. but it's almost a classic scenario of paralysis by analysis. with so much thinking and analysing the situation at hand, one loses focus of what needs to be done and what's realistically ahead of us - real world problems that need to be solved and specific matters at hand that need to be tackled. so then i suppose the right thing to do is to shift our focus back to reality and deal with concrete matters at hand. so if you're a worker, do your job; if you're a student, study. but once we do this, it's like throwing a towel over your head and refusing to see the real problem that comes from deep inside. masking one's introspective self in return for greater efficiency - is it worth it? in this life, what exactly are we searching for?

when one is a student, life is pretty simple. we have one focus - to study. there's a goal to work for, and a path to take. and as a student, we long for the freedom to finally decide on what we want out of life, once this 'duty' as a student is completed. but as we get out of that position, we are thrown in a sea of infinite possibilities which confuses the hell out of us, especially when we are not even sure what is it that we want from life. it seems easy to just declare that you want to be happy. so whatever you do, it should make you happy. but sometimes it doesn't work this way. as much as you are in control of your own destiny and your actions, one does not exist alone in society and in this world. we, as an individual, is just a minute creation amidst the world's wonders. so many things are beyond our control. and many a time, it is precisely these things beyond our control that are hampering our constant search for happiness.

we live our lives as people living amongst other people. we seek recognition, acceptance and determine our self-worth from people's appreciation of what we do and what we're capable of. it's never good enough to just be happy about what you do. for real appraisal doesn't come from the one to oneself. yet, when happiness can only be derived from other people's appraisal of you, you will never be happy. for no one is responsible for, or obliged to help you deal with your issues.

the lola who's introspective often turns into the lola who's unproductive. lola needs to take charge and move forward.