general updates and random notes

I've been simply too lazy to update my blog. Every time I thought of blogging, either after my usual long hours of work, or whenever I have a moment to just laze around, something else always seems to take precedence. 

Anyway, I've recently returned from Indonesia after almost two weeks of site visits and the usual stuff. It was my first time to Balikpapan at Kalimantan and I am SO GLAD I live in Sumatra instead. While the place is a virtual gold mine with developing oil and gas, forestry, as well as coal mining industries, the place reeks of dryness. It's industrial, and yet somewhat lifeless. 

Dad was unwell and couldn't stop comparing Balikpapan to Pku, saying how much better our city is compared to where we were. I guess I'd have to agree. 

En route to Kalimantan, we stopped over Jakarta where I prolonged my stay so I could see my grandma. It was a visit long overdue, the last time being almost two years back. Though I know full well the updated information about her condition, seeing her in the flesh still shocked me a little bit. Her illness has eaten away her flesh, so much so that she's nothing but skin and bones. To my own surprise, I didn't cry this time. 

Lucky me though, despite her condition, my grandma started randomly speaking again for some reason. And I felt her acknowledgment of my presence. She missed me. 

It's pretty depressing if you think about it. She's worked so hard for the family all her life, and at the stage where she could have enjoyed a carefree life surrounded by children and grandchildren, she had to be cursed with such a disease that ate her away. And her heart. Her heart has always been with my grandpa, and still is, even though he's gone. He's all she talked about, thought about, and longed to see again.

Anyway, the trip's a general rush from one location to another. And also a time for receiving bad news. The whole global economic crisis has really imposed a lot of pressure on everybody. Everyone who's somewhat affected by the crisis (more so than the general lot) is walking around with dark clouds hanging over their heads. Everyone's worried and preparing for the worst. 

At a time like this, all we can do is to lay out our "wet weather" plan. Plan B. And then hope for the best. After all, it's pretty much a worldwide affair. So it's a pretty fair playing ground. Unless you're one who does business with mere petty cash. Or if you have the so-called iron bowl. Then fine. 

So came back to Singapore with all these at the back of my head and a briefcase full of work to be done. But how did I spend my weekend instead? 

I re-organised and created catalogues for all my clothing. 

I know. I am insane. 

"SUPER OCD" says the little sister. "Siao"

Hey I enjoy it okay. It's time well spent to me. 

And I'm not done. I think I will need another week or so to get everything properly sorted out, including shoes and bags and other miscellaneous. I shudder to think of the hassle I'll have to go through when we finally move. 

But I've planned to have a real walk-in when we get our new place. That'll be fantastic. I'll have everything designed specifically to meet my freaky organisational needs. Oh I can't wait!

Quite sleepy. I guess I should sleep now. 

Although it's a public holiday, I still gotta get some work done. :S

Evolution

Stumbled upon an old diary among the stack of books I've brought back to Indo today. Something from 2001. And it made me realise how much I've changed: 

1. I've mellowed; not as sassy

2. I'm more contained; not as fearless

3. My handwriting has morphed into ugly scribbles, nothing like how it used to be

What has happened to me?

Changes are not necessarily good or bad. They just are. 

Part of growing up is embracing the changes and perhaps evolution one experiences. But the differences can come as quite a shock, especially when one has ceased to regularly engage in self-introspection.

Essentially, the innate qualities will still be there. They may be clothed and disguised in various outfits and manifested in different ways. But they will remain the same qualities. Yet these traits, when differently packaged, tend to give out varying signals, fooling the recipient into thinking that the person has changed. 

But she's the same.

musings

"You'll make a ton of money....bags and bags, more than you could ever imagine - and it won't make a bit of difference. Because you'll be working as hard as you were before, maybe harder, and you won't be able to stop, and one day you'll look up and realize the only thing that's changed in your life is your location. And you'll wonder why the hell you spent your life doing it..."

Billy Litchfield - One Fifth Avenue by Candace Bushnell

Spending the start of my weekend battling a nasty sinus infection and treating myself to yet another chick lit, while doing housework and watching an inane episode of The Hills, all at the same time. Now who says I can't multitask eh? 

All this while pondering about the overrated, overarching question of happiness and true satisfaction - the equilibrium of life. Although I truly enjoy my (over?) indulgence in work and the sense of creating and achieving something, I can't help but wonder if I'm missing out on something. Should I be out of the house more? Ought I be partying more? Am I missing out by not hanging out more? But if it really matters to me, why do I constantly choose to stay home and read rather than be out there? 

Am I uncomfortable with myself aside from working and dancing? 

Anyhow, the passage above just jumped out, and got me thinking. It's probably true that the whole idea of working towards retirement thing is a mere facade. We reason that by working our asses off now, we can look forward to a better life in future, however long that may be. And once we make 'enough' to warrant us a lifestyle that's comfortable enough for our standards, we'll quit or retire and enjoy a whole new life of fun and frolic in the sun. 

But that probably isn't true. 

If things go our way, the harder (and smarter) we work, the more successful we'll become, and consequently, the more moolah we'll make. With that, we'll probably move forward. To a bigger house, a better car, or get a place or two in a snazzier location. But once we're there, we'll want to move further. This will go on, until we find the point at which we're satisfied. Or when we can't do it anymore. For whatever reason. 

So when that happens, will we eventually fall back wondering why the hell have we spent our entire lives doing what we do, trying to achieve what we think we want in life? 

Or will we smile happily to ourselves, noting that we've truly lived our lives to the fullest, doing all we could to get what we want to have. In effect, saying that there's nothing, absolutely nothing I would change in my life if I could live it again. 

Then again, that's the whole point of living right? To just do it; live it, and see how it unfolds for you? Just enjoy the ride and not worry about where you'll end up? 

I don't know.