spending my time

Has it occurred to you that while many people seem to complain about not having enough time for everything, we do actually have a substantial amount to spend. It all depends on how you spend it. For example, what do we do on Sundays? Do we sleep for twelve hours and then spend the rest of the time in front of the TV? Well, sometimes I do. That, and playing countless hours of Lexulous. Still, there are many hours to burn! 

So I keep thinking of ways to spend my time more meaningfully. Thoughts like: perhaps I should work more (but I'm already clocking about 50 hours or so a week); perhaps I should exercise more (but I'm already exercising 5-6 days a week); or perhaps I should spend more time dancing (but I need a competitive dance partner!); or perhaps I should start reading again (now this I can do, only if I stop being so lazy and procrastinating). 

And then I start thinking: what do other people do to spend their time? Work? Go out? Shop? Watch movies? Play games? But don't those things get meaningless after a while? 

I think back on my days as a student in Van and I don't remember ever feeling bored at any time. Yes, I was busy. But not THAT busy. In fact, I probably had more time than I do now, considering school was pretty much own time own target, and so was dance. In retrospect however, being a student was always a little easier. For the focus is clear. Your responsibility is to study, and hopefully get good grades. That's your focus and your goal. The rest is just peripheral distractions. 

It gets a little bit more complicated when you grow up and become a "real adult", although sometimes I wonder if some people ever grow up at all. Being an adult with "real responsibilities" seem to define your focus for you, well, that is - you have to fulfill those responsibilities! Ironically however, it may result in your losing focus. Because you are so intent on fulfilling those responsibilities. Example: maybe one needs to work and make enough money so one can afford a house and a car, and maybe a family. So one gets on it and start working their ass off to achieve those goals. But of course, such goals are not achievable in the short term, unless a lottery is struck or an unexpected inheritance is received. So by keeping one's focus on this, in the meantime, one will constantly feel a lack of sense of achievement. And when the goals are achieved, instead of happiness, there will be a sense of loss. What to do next? So in this sense, there is a lack of focus, precisely because the length of time to reach the destination cannot be easily measured. It may take three or four years to get a degree, but how long will it take for one to "get there" in their material pursuits? 

So going back to the issue of spending time. Is one's time then best spent on one's work in order to achieve something and be somebody? Or should it be spent on trying to find an inner peace (not necessarily spiritual) by constantly exploring and understanding oneself in and out. Human beings are varied and complicated. Each person is unique and demanding in their own ways, depending on their needs and priorities. To make do is an easy yet cowardly way out. 

Hopefully the next time when I need to make a choice to spend my time in one way or another, I'll make the choice that maximises my satisfaction and contributes towards my self understanding and thus my eventual happiness. 

the stupidity that makes us human

We were having dinner tonight when Jane commented on the stupidity of moths who intentionally fly into fires, only to burn themselves to death. It's instinct says P. And then I said, "Well, human beings are stupid too. Even though we know that doing certain things will hurt us, we do them anyway." And it's true. 

In some ways, risk-taking reflects just this. We take risks when we do certain things, knowing the consequences we have to bear should we fail. Yet, the rewards can be so tempting that we're willing to expose ourselves to such vulnerability. No venture no gain; no gain without pain, right? 

Let's explore another example. Logically speaking, we should be nice to the people who are nice to us, right? But don't you find yourselves taking the people who are nice to you for granted, and instead, focusing your energy pleasing those who might not treat you even half as well. Why? It may be due to personal biased feelings (of like, love, passion...whatever), or due to the closet sadomasochism that everyone has inside us. What's unattainable just seems more precious. 

The ironic truth however, is this: It's not what you do, it's what you mean to the person. If it's not the right one, it doesn't matter what you do, it'll still be irritate and drive the recipient further away. 

Should we then just try to be not so stupid, and weigh all factors before deciding what to do in everything? In an ideal world, absolutely. 

But we're humans. And just as history always repeats itself, we'll err again and again; doing a lot of things driven by a desire just to do it. (Just because).

So then just accept it, and try not to blame ourselves too much for our stupidity.  

  

the quest for happiness

There's a somewhat insightful article on the Sunday Times today about the irony of trying too hard to be happy. According to the writer, there are some people who are constantly ecstatic; putting on perpetually happy faces, even when deep down inside, they are actually masking their own unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

Come to think of it, it's not an entirely bad thing to do just that. Why should one focus on all the unpleasant things in life which are depressing? Might as well focus on the happy things that may bring a smile to your face. Unless of course, you end up lying to yourself about how you really feel. Masking your own unhappiness for others is one thing, but it's an entirely different tragedy should you end up believing your own lies, truly believing that you're happy. When deep down inside, you might be burying a time bomb that's just waiting to explode. 

The writer goes on to talk about how happiness is a fleeting emotion, and the real journey should be focused instead on finding "joy" in one's life. Easier said than done. While the dictionary definition of "joy" might be confined to "feelings of great happiness", I believe the meaning encompasses the need to feel at peace. Be it with yourself or your situation. When one feels no peace, one cannot experience joy. Now this is not an easy thing to attain. Firstly, this requires a certain degree of control over your external environment. That is, no one, or nothing, should upset the comfortable environment that you need to feel at peace. Secondly, you need to control your emotions such that there is close to perfect satisfaction you feel about your situation - be it financial, physical, spiritual or emotional. Of course it's impossible to be perfectly satisfied. If one were perfectly satisfied, what are we living for? The journey will be for nothing. 

Point is, finding joy is as difficult as finding true happiness. 

But we shouldn't give up on that. For this is what gives us hope. 

An old friend once criticised me by saying that by constantly immersing myself in worldly things and activities - working long hours, shopping etc, I fail to be introspective about my life. Now I am glad to accept constructive criticisms. But this is an absolutely fleeting, judgmental, and wildly self-righteous comment. Must we really distant ourselves from these so-called worldly activities (and enter a state of meditation?) or maybe objective indifference, to be able to introspectively examine our own lives? Not necessarily so.

We keep ourselves busy not to numb ourselves from the worldly pains or to avoid facing certain issues we might be reluctant to face. Rather, it's to give us something concrete and definite to focus on while we work our way through the more indefinite and thus difficult issues in life. Like our happiness for instance. 

After all, it takes a long time to find the answers we're searching for. And most of the time, these are not definite answers but merely gradual revelations that we'll discover as we walk along. 

So in the quest of finding our "true happiness" or dare I say, UTOPIA, all we can do is live our lives the best way(s) we know how. Doing things we need or want to do, and hope each day gets closer and closer to the 100% we wish to feel.