go figure

Had a conversation about resentment, dissatisfaction and figuring out what i want. And frankly, I'm still thinking about it. I would say just live life you know, do what you want, and que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. But the thought will haunt me everytime i have a spare moment. It gets annoying. And i have to keep myself busy in a bid to stop thinking of such.

It's not so easy.

Perhaps I'm just blindly grappling at something that I'm not even sure exists. Yet there's a certain bittersweet pleasure to it. Almost romantic. A little sadomasochistic, emotionally speaking. Messes with my head. Yet entirely necessary.

How long is it going to last?

I'm not sure. Perhaps a couple of weeks, perhaps a couple of months. Who knows. If it doesn't go away, it won't. And I'm not going to interrupt the natural discourse.

A little ironic considering how I've been going on about being 30 and knowing exactly what I want. But do I really? Doesn't seem so.

I suppose it'll come to me eventually.

Ever since the world began

I’ll never know what brought me here,
As if somebody led my hand,
It seems I hardly had to steer,
My course was planned.
And destiny it guides us all,
And by it’s hand we rise and fall,
But only for a moment,
Time enough to catch our breath again.

*and we’re just another piece of the puzzle,
Just another part of the plan,
How one live touches the other
Is so hard to understand --
Still we walk this road together,
We try and go as far as we can,
And we have waited for this moment in time,
Ever since the world began. *

Taking in the times gone by,
We wonder how it all began,
We’ll never know and still we
Try to understand,
And even though the seasons change,
The reasons shall remain the same,
It’s love that keeps us holding on
Till we can see the sun again.

( * repeat)

And I stand alone, a man of stone,
Against the driving rain--
And the night -- it’s got your number,
And the wind -- it cries your name --
And we search for clues, win or lose,
In this we’re all the same --
The hope still burns eternal,
We're the keeper of the flame...

So many people want to be alone

I'm sitting on my own at this Italian Bistro whose name I can't remember. (and the bloody menu doesn't say its name can you believe it). And there are two others like me. The rest of the bistro is pretty much empty besides the three of us and we are each preoccupied with our own pads and macs. But hey I'm observing.

In this world, where we're constantly surrounded by people, whether we like it or not, interaction becomes a need; an expectation. It's rare that we are able to find time to be alone. And even if we could, we are so used to being with others, that we automatically start to make plans. For lunches, dinners,brunches, suppers, dates... Anything that will give ussome company; any company. And we forget how nice it is to be alone.

Alone but not lonely.

Just sometime to recharge, to be quiet. Not having to talk to or entertain anyone. Just time to ourselves to do what we want todo. To think. To write. To fantasize.

We think we have all the time to do all this late at night,just before we go to bed. But really, that's just a convenience, not a deliberate action.

A dramatic ex used to tell me that I'm so preoccupied with my own work and things that I don't take the time to be retrospective and introspective. But I guess that just shows how much he fails to understand me.

I think, and I ponder. I just don't feel the need to broadcast it to anyone, much less the whole world, which these days basically refers to your fb contacts.

I'm happy just doing what I want, the way I want it.

As I am writing all this, 3 became 2. Guess she's had enough of alone time for now.

My love for beer

I can't remember when I started havinga fondness for beer. No doubt, my mom, as a practical mom would, introduced me to the drink at the age of 12, saying that it's good for girls to be able to hold their liquor. For some sort of self protection I guess.

But all through my teenage years, and even through my early twenties, I never really drank. Heck, I hardly even clubbed. No social drinking, no nothing.

Yet when I hit my late twenties, all of a sudden the social drinking became increasingly often. And the instinctive choice? Beer.

Cos I dislike sweet drinks. All those cocktails - the screwdrivers and the cosmos, the mojito and the pina colada, the sangria and the margherita. I can't drink any of those.

Yet I don't want to go crazy with the vodkas and the whiskies. So alas, beer becomes the optimum choice. It's just like me isn't it, always having a justification for everything.

My mother warns me that all this beer is going to grow a home on my stomach. Bad choice for a dancer like me whom on top of it all, is as vain as say, Paris Hilton maybe.

But hey, we'll tackle the problem when it comes eh.

For now, I'm happy with my Erdingers.














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