too much guilt

I'm a person who lives her life plagued by guilt that's a product of past failures; failures and disappointments caused to myself and others I care about. The failure to live up to my father's expectations of me, and my expectations of myself. The failure to make the people I care about happy, and proud of me. They say I have it all. And apparently I do. I should be happy and I should be satisfied. Yet there are so many things I blame myself for. For failing to achieve the best I think I can be. For failing to make my father proud of me. It's beyond stressful. And the worst thing being the fact that the stress is almost entirely self-imposed. I just feel as if I don't have the capacity to be someone great, or to do something great, contrary to what everyone says of me. They say I am talented in many aspects. Yet more often than not, I feel like a jill of all trades who can never be a master of anything. No matter how hard I try. Maybe it IS my mental block as what someone says of me. I need to be strong and move on. Get up when I fall. And just do the best I can, no matter how difficult things are and how many challenges I will face. I need to go on. If I believe. And most of all, I need to stop feeling the guilt. The guilt I have for being a bad owner to my 9 chihuahuas who ended up being given away, the guilt I have for giving Chu Chu away (those tears in her eyes), the guilt I have for not being able to be the best daughter I can be according to my dad's standards, the guilt I have for not being the talented dancer I want to be...everything. I need to throw away this guilt. Away from me.

sleepless

It's 4:04am and I'm not sleeping. It's one of those nights when melancholy strikes and no matter how hard you try, you just can't shake off that dramatic emo shit.

Been listening to this song over and over again.

“Cinta Pertama” [Sunny] - Bunga Citra Lestari

Sunny sunny
Jantungku berdebar tiap kuingat padamu
Sunny Sunny
Mengapa ada yang kurang saat kau tak ada
Sunny Sunny
Melihatmu menyentuhmu itu yang kumau

Kau tak sempat tanyakan aku
Cintakah aku padamu

Tiap kali aku berlutut aku berdoa
Suatu saat kau bisa cinta padaku
Tiap kali aku memanggil di dalam hati
Mana Sunny mana Sunnyku mana Sunnyku

Sunny Sunny
Apa kabarmu kabarku baik baik saja
Sunny Sunny
Begitu banyak cerita tak habis tentangmu
Sunny Sunny
Salamku untukmu dari hati yang terdalam

Kau tak sempat tanyakan aku
Cintakah aku padamu

Tiap kali aku berlutut aku berdoa
Suatu saat kau bisa cinta padaku
Tiap kali aku memanggil di dalam hati
Mana Sunny mana Sunnyku mana Sunnyku

There you go, the obsessive part of me, when I just can't get enough of something.

add bdd and ocd that is me

I have symptoms of add, bdd, and ocd.

ADD: Can't seem to concentrate long enough on something. Some people call it the lack of focus, others tell me I want to do way too many things, beyond the time and capacity I have. I term it greediness. I'm so greedy for life that I want to do as many things that I love as often as I want. The only problem is: there are too many things I love. Fickle and greedy. Maybe that's just the person that I am. So while I'm doing one thing, my mind's already planning the next activity I will be doing. All holds true except when it comes to dancing. Can't deceive myself, it's in my blood.

BDD: This is what Dave and Arthur have said about me - that I'm way too obsessive about the state of my body. Correction, the shape of my body. In my pursuit for perfection in just about everything else, I do the same to my body. Except I don't starve myself. I can't. I just can't do it. Fuck, I can't even stop eating my favourite junk food! Yet, when it comes to exercising, I would go all the way, even when it means overworking my body beyond its capacity. Horrible. And yet never satisfied.

OCD: When I've established a certain pattern, the pattern must not be broken. Doesn't matter what it is. It can be the way I staple my documents, the way I stack my papers, the way I fold my panties, or the direction my plate has to face me when eating...I just have to follow the same patterns. Lest I go crazy.

I love myself and I love life. But there are just times when I hate myself, and wish I could do certain things differently. I push myself so hard to fulfill various expectations I can never hope to fulfill. And I stress myself sometimes to the point of breakdown. And then I get emotional, and then I hate myself even more for being so emotional. I don't like being vulnerable. It's like having this freaking massive time bomb deep within you that you know no one else can deactivate.

Norm always tells me to loosen up and chill out. And the ironic thing is, I am actually a pretty laid back person in general. Yet when it comes to achievement-oriented things, I go all crazy on myself. Why is that? Why is that? It's so tiring.

I remember when I was young, I used to just go to bed whenever I face a problem or feel depressed. And after a good sleep, I would usually feel better. Yet nothing's solved. It's just my way of avoiding the situation. I don't want to be an escapist, for it's a cowardly act. I'm no coward. But I have to learn to be stronger, mentally stronger. Then I'll be more able to face whatever comes my way, and handle problems like I should. And most importantly, I need to get over myself. My own narcissism, and self-centred ways.

While I can always blame it on my add bdd and ocd, it's time to take responsibility over my own actions.