add bdd and ocd that is me

I have symptoms of add, bdd, and ocd.

ADD: Can't seem to concentrate long enough on something. Some people call it the lack of focus, others tell me I want to do way too many things, beyond the time and capacity I have. I term it greediness. I'm so greedy for life that I want to do as many things that I love as often as I want. The only problem is: there are too many things I love. Fickle and greedy. Maybe that's just the person that I am. So while I'm doing one thing, my mind's already planning the next activity I will be doing. All holds true except when it comes to dancing. Can't deceive myself, it's in my blood.

BDD: This is what Dave and Arthur have said about me - that I'm way too obsessive about the state of my body. Correction, the shape of my body. In my pursuit for perfection in just about everything else, I do the same to my body. Except I don't starve myself. I can't. I just can't do it. Fuck, I can't even stop eating my favourite junk food! Yet, when it comes to exercising, I would go all the way, even when it means overworking my body beyond its capacity. Horrible. And yet never satisfied.

OCD: When I've established a certain pattern, the pattern must not be broken. Doesn't matter what it is. It can be the way I staple my documents, the way I stack my papers, the way I fold my panties, or the direction my plate has to face me when eating...I just have to follow the same patterns. Lest I go crazy.

I love myself and I love life. But there are just times when I hate myself, and wish I could do certain things differently. I push myself so hard to fulfill various expectations I can never hope to fulfill. And I stress myself sometimes to the point of breakdown. And then I get emotional, and then I hate myself even more for being so emotional. I don't like being vulnerable. It's like having this freaking massive time bomb deep within you that you know no one else can deactivate.

Norm always tells me to loosen up and chill out. And the ironic thing is, I am actually a pretty laid back person in general. Yet when it comes to achievement-oriented things, I go all crazy on myself. Why is that? Why is that? It's so tiring.

I remember when I was young, I used to just go to bed whenever I face a problem or feel depressed. And after a good sleep, I would usually feel better. Yet nothing's solved. It's just my way of avoiding the situation. I don't want to be an escapist, for it's a cowardly act. I'm no coward. But I have to learn to be stronger, mentally stronger. Then I'll be more able to face whatever comes my way, and handle problems like I should. And most importantly, I need to get over myself. My own narcissism, and self-centred ways.

While I can always blame it on my add bdd and ocd, it's time to take responsibility over my own actions.