thoughts and feelings; facts and fiction; judgments and observations; opinions and subjectivity
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Wednesday, 31 December 2008
what a new year
First post of 2009.
Happy New Year dudes and babes! Woohooo! Celebrating with a bang?
Haven't done much but spent it like a regular night. Actually, come to think of it, my New Years haven't been very exciting. Perhaps I'm just not an exciting person. Not that kind of exciting anyway.
Now I've had to retype the previous sentence three times cos my vision's a little blurred from the amount of red wine I've had. Yes, red wine. I'm getting weak.
Anyhow, I wish everyone a more than bearable New Year in 2009. What are your new year resolutions??? Here are mine:
1. To continue being the super anal, bloody perfectionist that I am (except I need to remember where I chuck my miscellaneous stuff like keys, wallet, and whatnot).
2. To be more disciplined about my running routine - I need to really run those races I missed in 2008.
3. To somehow start dancing again, whether it be teaching or competing.
4. To be way more meticulous about my work, and not make stupid mistakes. Seriously stupid and careless mistakes.
5. To read twice as many books as I had in 2008 - so at least 48 books for the whole of 2009 at the very least.
6. To finish reading Ulysses, The Scarlet Letter, The Good Earth...and all those other pretentiously classic books that I actually like.
7. To be more sociable and go to all these parties I've generally been invited to.
8. To not put all my eggs in one miserable little basket.
9. To write something that I can be proud of.
10. To be more tolerant (of whatever that's reasonably worthy of my tolerance).
11. To maintain my clothing size (I'm a gal who's in her late twenties after all).
12. To spend more quality time with my family and friends for life.
13. To finally get those pictures done with PROUD (if you're reading this, you know what I mean).
14. To keep my hair all the way down past my butt (yes that's my style).
15. To go back to Vancouver to see all my dudes and dudettes.
16. To save some money so I can eventually afford my own apartment.
17. To travel and be carefree for a change.
18. To continue keeping a journal so I can keep track of my development as a person.
19. To be more patient with people in general.
20. To be unbearably emotionally independent.
21. To curb my bdd, and ocd - somehow.
22. To make more effort in keeping in touch.
23. To play more (and better) golf.
24. To pick up some form of meditation.
25. To be happy at least 90% of the time.
Now only 20% of the bottle left and yet still typing with no spelling mistake. Am I good or what? Ha!
Have a good new year people! Can't believe I'm flying in nine hours.
celebrating the last day of 2008
It's 1753 hrs where I am, just slightly over six hours away from the start of the new year (and less by the time I complete this post). What do you intend to do to celebrate the last day of 2008? Party the night away? After all, there are a couple of major parties around town and a lot of other minor ones to crash. I'm thinking though, that I should spend this night at home, just like any other night, reading and perhaps thinking about all the things that I can remember as being significant to me this year.
I just called my little sis who's in PKU just now with the intention of asking her the brand of colour pencils she wants for her belated Christmas present, when we realised that we are two of the very few individuals who are actually intrigued by how the world's timekeepers have decided to add an extra "leap second" to this last day so that clocks could match the Earth's slowing spin on its axis. Apparently she has been telling her friends this. (We're geeks aren't we). Well, geeks unite.
On another geeky level, I took the time to list down the books I've read this year. I might have missed out a couple, but oh well. It's not as many as I'd like to, but I'll try to read more next year.
Here they are:
CHICK LIT
Sex and the City – Candace Bushnell
Four Blondes – Candace Bushnell
One Fifth Avenue – Candace Bushnell
Lipstick Jungle – Candace Bushnell
Trading Up – Candace Bushnell
Under the Duvet – Marian Keyes
Further Under the Duvet – Marian Keyes
The Other Side of the Story – Marian Keyes
Man and Boy – Tony Parsons
How to be Cool – Johanna Edwards
Love, Rosie – Cecelia Athern
Fashion Babylon – Imogen Edwards-Jones
The Nanny Diaries – Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus
OTHER READS THAT INTEREST ME
The Wednesday Letters – Jason.F.Wright
Lottery – Patricia Woods
Something to Tell You – Hanif Kureshi
Me Talk Pretty One Day – David Sedaris
Barrel Fever – David Sedaris
A Spot of Bother – Mark Haddon
A Long Way Down – Nick Hornby
How I Live Now – Meg Rosoff
The Tale of the Unknown Island – Jose Saramago
Memories of my Melancholy Whores – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Philosophy in the Boudoir – Marquis de Sade
Lust, Caution – Eileen Chang
And here are books I’ve ventured to read but have yet to finish:
A Reading Diary – Alberto Manguel
Seven Types of Ambiguity – Elliot Perlman
Naked Finance – David Meckin
So I read too many chick lit, but hey they're easy reads. And after a typical twelve-hour workday, they seem way more attractive than the smart reads that have been sitting on my shelf collecting dust.
Anyway, I'm resolved to finally complete James Joyce's Ulysses in the coming year. Having read The Dubliners and A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man way back in 1999, I think I owe it to myself to finally complete the book that has earned him the recognition as the Father of Modern Literature. I still love D.H. Lawrence, but James Joyce is really something else.
Geeky things aside, 2008 seems to literally be "the happening" year where lots of things happened.
1. Competed, and bought my first designer dance costume, from Tatsiana Lahvinovich no less.
2. Had one of the best trips ever to Hong Kong (who'd have thought?)
3. Started really focusing on my career, doing things I never thought I would love (but I do).
4. Attended FIVE weddings of my good friends, and missed a couple more.
5. Bawled over the death of my beloved cat, Perkins.
6. Agonised over the unexpected loss of a friend.
7. Moved to a fantastic office I deem more of a first home.
8. Started to enjoy running. (I used to HATE running, constantly failing my 2.4 KM run for NAPFA. Now I run about 4 km every other day). I plan to REALLY run the 10 km races they'll have next year, one definite one being the SHAPE RUN 2009.
9. I've travelled more than I have in the past five years before 2008, spending a total of five months out of the country when I total all the days I was out of Singapore.
10. Met up with (get this) FIVE of my good friends from Vancouver IN SINGAPORE.
I'll add to the list when I have more time later.
For now, I'll sign off with the WEIRDEST dream I had last night:
It began with my friend Callie and I sitting at a table having a meal. There's another person (a dude I think, whom I cannot visualise right now) sitting beside me. But he's not important. Anyway, Callie and I decided to order the same meal, which is this five or six-course meal (thinking they are all of small portions ala French). But they turned out to be huge plates of eats. We had the most disgusting appetiser, followed by a huge plate of what seemed like fried rice or something. Now Cal was tucking into her food and I was just about to do the same, when the whole plate toppled over and all the food fell to my lap. I HAD NO FOOD. And so I asked for a replacement, which never came. All this time, Cal was already on her third, and fourth dish. And when mine finally came, it was the wrong order. Just then, my sister's friend, Maybelle (I have no idea why she's in my dream) came over and sat on me, hitting my hip bone. I asked her to move away since it hurt, and she sulked, saying how she's lost weight. And I was like, yes, you're very slim, but it's a bone, and that's gotta hurt. Anyway, I told her I was so hungry cos my food never came, and then said something like "I need to eat, I'm not fat." During which she looked at me thoughtfully, and said, "Well I guess you are a little chubby..."GAH! I think I woke up after.
Is that bizarre or what?!
Saturday, 27 December 2008
a matter of control
I was watching yet another rerun of SATC last night when I was struck by what Carrie Bradshaw said, "I wanted to be a writer, I made myself a writer. If I want a pair of ridiculously expensive shoes, I find a way to get them..." (This was an episode where she was wondering if she would ever want a baby since the man she's dating at the mo has had a vasectomy and was definitely unwilling to reverse it). Anyway, what got me thinking was the issue of WILL and self-control. To what extent can one control his or her own destiny and thus their course in life (and way of living)?
Now the desire to answer such a question can be traced back to the general sense of almost dissatisfaction and boredom I've been feeling lately. I say "almost" because it's not a feeling that's CERTAIN. You know how when you're very busy and occupied and yet still bored? Technically fulfilled ie. having it all, and yet still dissatisfied? Well, that has been me. There's just something missing, yet I don't know what.
I suppose everyone takes some time to really discover who he or she really is and what he or she really wants. Some people take a few years, having pretty much fully developed their character early in their adulthood and go on living the lives they've envisioned for themselves. While others, take longer than they probably should. And still some, are still searching. I think I belong to the latter, that is, I'm still searching and will probably continue to do so, as priorities will change as I change.
Anyway, going back to the idea of WILL and self-control, I keep on wondering the extent to which I can control my mood. If something's lacking, what can I do to make up for it? What is it that I want and not have? Is it even something tangible? And how long will this last?
I guess that's the whole problem with feelings. It's not like an occupation or anything material that's pretty easily obtainable. And the worst thing being that it's more often than not difficult to control and rationalise. It's not like a step by step action plan that one can take.
And it makes me want to slap myself at times. It's so bloody typical of my OCD nature to be nitpicking something that's otherwise perfect. Yet I suppose, if there's something to nitpick about, it's not perfect after all.
Monday, 22 December 2008
a gloomy christmas - happy holidays
It's almost Christmas but it doesn't feel like it.
Everyone with whom I've shared this opinion has blamed the season's lack of cheer to the current economic recession and the impending economic gloom for 2009 and beyond. I suppose it's a valid explanation considering Maslow's hierarchy of needs. If the foundation of human needs - physiological and safety, are in danger, surely the desire to revel in the joyous occasion of christmas, often marked by excessive behaviour (eating, drinking, partying, and most of all, buying) will be dampen. And particularly for this city, the "Christmas feel" comes from the efforts put into decorations and ambience-setting by malls, landmarks and the like. And it's difficult not to notice how very much more modest this year's efforts have been in preparation for the upcoming holiday season.
How very Singaporean to experience the 'feel' only when it's shoved in our faces.
Anyway, on a personal level, I am feeling the general lethargy the city seems to be emanating. Although everyone who's still employed is well aware that we need to work doubly hard to ensure our economic viability amidst the looming uncertainties, it's rather difficult to be motivated especially when it comes to the month of December. Having associated this month with Christmas and thus the holidays and the accompanying celebrations, all I want to do is have a major holiday.
Of course I still drag my ass to work everyday, willing myself to stay focused and concentrate on all the things I have to do. But all I really want to do is to stay home for a Desperate Housewives' marathon.
Alternatively, I can get down to writing those book reviews I've planned for so long. I've been reading quite a fair bit this year (thankfully!) and have marked down a couple of books worth reveling about. Among those are:
Lottery - by Patricia Wood
How I Live Now - by Meg Rosoff
Me Talk Pretty One Day - by David Sedaris
Hopefully I can start sometime tomorrow.
Happy holidays everyone.
Thursday, 11 December 2008
leaving some digital footprints
Someone once told me that he didn't like to leave too many digital footprints around, and asked me how I feel about putting my thoughts online, having those who bother to read them discover the change(s) in me as time goes by. Well, internet as a channel of communication has always been sort of a double-edged sword. While its ability to make information easily accessible has certainly made our working life easier, the proliferation of information; making the private public, can make it a dangerous playground for some of us. Just look at what "Rich Barry" did.
Of course one can argue that it's all a matter of choice. We choose what we'd like to put up online, with full knowledge of the risk involved. Also, just because some of us choose to put up genuine information about ourselves, we shouldn't expect everyone else to do the same. Can't be naive, got to acknowledge that there will definitely always be losers and psychos out there who would pretend to be what they're not, whatever their intention may be. Behind the mask of the computer screen, we can be anyone we want to.
With FB and the like, as well as the multitude of chat rooms, forums, blogs and so on, digital footprints will always be left behind. How much can we erase those footprints. Are we important enough that what we've left behind will matter to anyone at all?
-END-
Anyway, this is pretty random but I came home to this arrangement on my dining table and thought of it as extremely appropriate. 

Saturday, 6 December 2008
kitty affection
Perkins came home today.
In a box.
The people from the cremation centre finally delivered him back this morning. The box is exquisite. Even though I didn't actually open it to check if his ashes is truly in there. I just have to believe. I'm thinking about where I can actually keep it since my mom has violently rejected the idea of keeping it in my room. Well... we'll see.
I miss Perkins.
On a much lighter note, we've all noticed Gallie's recent change in behaviour lately. Ever since Perkins' death, he has been unusually affectionate. Le lil' sis attributes it to the fact that he's getting old (and probably realises that it's either humans or no one now that Perkins' gone), while the freakishly devilish Norm keeps saying that "Perkins' soul is inside him" FREAAAKKYY.
Anyway, here are a couple of pics for proof.
Okay, so I obsess over my cats. Any problem?
what a beautiful lazy saturday
Saturday afternoon and I'm skipping Ben and Jerry's Chunk Fest for a Desperate Housewives marathon at home, nursing an aching body and a lethargic mind and loving in. The best friend has recently revealed a delightful secret about one of my favourite chocolates - BACI.

That every single chocolate holds a unique little message about love.
That got me started on keeping all these little slips of translucent chocolate wrappers containing the messages. Since I wasn't successful in capturing the tiny words on camera, I shall reiterate what I've collected today.
"We are incomplete alone, that is why we seek another kindred spirit."
"You may forget the face of the beloved, but not his kiss."
Okay this one's cheesy. 

"One in love fears no storm, he fears only the death of love."
And finally,
"Love invented the rhyming pair."
What can I say? A real romantic at heart. 

Thursday, 4 December 2008
Tuesday, 2 December 2008
letting my hair down
So I spent last Friday night having a romantic dinner...with my dad at a fantastic Japanese restaurant near Copthorne King. Followed by drinks at a cafe nearby with live music. Nothing fancy, just carrot juice. It seemed like a quiet night, only it turned out to be just a little more exciting after hours.
Monday, 1 December 2008
what's with...?
What's with drivers who insist on hogging the parking lot just to wait for that one spot near the lift, when the rest of the parking spots in the next few levels are virtually empty? Does it really make that much of a difference, those few seconds of walking? Or is it just the whole kiasuism at work, bent on getting the 'best' spot no matter what.
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What's with Aunties/Uncles who insist upon riding their bicycles/trishaws on the main road, in CBD, during peak hours? Do they think this is still Singapore in the 1970s? I mean, it takes a lot of self control not to get mad. I know I should be tolerant, and that I shouldn't get mad at really old people who might be doing that to make a living. But what happens when you're the car driving behind he/she who rides on the merging lane, holding up the entire the traffic while the rest of the automobiles behind you start honking at you as if it's your fault? Still keeping cool?
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What's with people who stare? Men who stare and women who stare. Looking's alright. After all, it's virtually impossible to walk on the streets without lingering for more than a second on a person, or persons. But staring is a whole different matter altogether. To be unbearably cliched - 'take a picture, it'll last longer.' I think it's the intrinsic tendency for people to be judgmental. People can claim to be open-minded and non-judgmental, but we are flawed after all, and generally bitchy by nature. So whether or not we voice it out, we still judge people/things/circumstances based on our own code of morality or sense and sensibility. It might not necessarily be bad judgments all the time. People could possibly stare and be thinking, "oh he's so good looking", or "what she's wearing is simply awesome." But stare back at those who stare at you, and very often you can see from their eyes that their judgments aren't necessarily the most favourable towards you.
Call me skeptical, bitter, whatever. But it's more often than not, true.
--------------------
I think it's sad and slightly sick that as petty humans, we find enjoyment in other people's misery - as long as the misery's not a matter of life and death or "global misery" such as war, starvation...things like that. But say an ex schoolmate who used to have it all - beauty, brains, suitors etc etc has now turned chubby and is stuck in a dead end job. While a part of you might feel sorry for her, the devilish part will secretly rejoice and proclaim that god is fair after all.
Okay, so you're not that evil. But say a dude who's not the traditional hunk, and is neither exceptionally rich nor talented, exudes so much self-confidence that girls seem to like him despite his not-so-attractive exterior, would you likely be: a. happy for him and think that he deserves it? or b. think: why him? i'm so much better looking/smarter/richer? Now be honest to yourself. Which option more closely reflect what you instinctively feel?
If you were a girl, and a random hot girl (who's not a model) on the streets shows off her beautiful legs in candy coloured hotpants. Would you be inclined to think: a. ola chica! nice legs! or b. so slutty!
Now if you happen to spot some cellulite, would you be secretly glad?
--------------------
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: what's with the lack of consideration, the poison, the bile?
Take it from the hippies (without the pot), and spread some love.
Then again, isn't it ironic that here I am, bitchin' about the lack of love?
Thursday, 27 November 2008
amusing facts about kb
two amusing facts about kb:
1. it's easy to get connected.
I am quite amused. the only connection I find between kb and my regular lifestyle is that I can get connected almost anywhere. a pleasant surprise!
here I am sitting at a yet another hole in the wall kopitiam, which is playing latin music! and it has free internet sevice! wireless.
2.all goods are marked up by about 200%.
apparently, sellers' attitude is "wanna buy, good. don't wanna buy, never mind." of course they are not yellow, if you know what I mean.
(pause)
I find that i've been spending a lot of time at kopitiams lately. that's the thing about working in malaysia in this industry. lots of waiting around.
1. it's easy to get connected.
I am quite amused. the only connection I find between kb and my regular lifestyle is that I can get connected almost anywhere. a pleasant surprise!
here I am sitting at a yet another hole in the wall kopitiam, which is playing latin music! and it has free internet sevice! wireless.
2.all goods are marked up by about 200%.
apparently, sellers' attitude is "wanna buy, good. don't wanna buy, never mind." of course they are not yellow, if you know what I mean.
(pause)
I find that i've been spending a lot of time at kopitiams lately. that's the thing about working in malaysia in this industry. lots of waiting around.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
misery in KB
First of all, I've been dreading this trip for days and days. I think it's a waste of time. Granted there's work to do, people to meet etc etc. But really, the potential reward seems less than the sacrifices. I guess I'll have to wait till later to be sure, but I think I'll be right.
Secondly, the traveling is a somewhat time-wasting affair. Imagine this: I shuttled from SIN to KL, arriving at KLIA at 1630 hrs, only to wander around for naught till my next flight to KB at 2130 hrs. The only redeeming factor being the wireless connection at LCCT, through which I was able to blog nonsense via my PDA phone.
Third, after braving the shaky flight and arriving at KB at 2230 hrs, ready to whisk back to our hotel and fall into our expected warm beds, we were faced with an empty parking lot. Turned out that the driver who was supposed to pick us up had just left his office and had even lost his way on the way to the airport! His excuse: he's from Perak and was new here. 

Later on, after what seemed like forever, he took us to this nice, bright hotel with a big lobby and a nice decor. I felt better. But my happiness was short lived as we soon discovered that he had taken us to the wrong hotel! No wonder there was no reservation as promised.
By then my dad is super mad and threatened to just cab our way there if he didn't know his way. But we got back to the car anyway (an embarrassing affair, what with lugging our stuff out of the hotel and back to the shoddy car) and headed to the right hotel. Which was right beside the pretty one.
Now this was NOT a hotel. It's more like a motel, or worse, a backpackers' inn. I actually saw a backpacker's van parked right outside. I had a very bad feeling.
True enough, when I returned to the allocated room, I was somewhat shocked and very disgusted. Shady. Very shady. It's by far the worst room I have stayed in. Way worse than the budget hole in the wall thing I had in Genting some years back.
Here's a picture of the room for effect.
And yes, that IS ALL. Not angle trick or anything. Right beside the two tiny beds is an even tinier toilet, which I shall try to show below.
I would totally put up more pics but the internet connection is so slow and unreliable I'm afraid to lose all my content if I try to be too adventurous.
Anyway, if you can see, the shower is right beside the toilet bowl, which means you shower right onto (or into) the toilet bowl, which is beside the miserable porcelain bowl they call a sink. Above the sink is a plain glass for mirror. There was also no real soap given.
If that's not bad enough, check this out. The towels had random, shady looking hairs on them. BOTH OF THEM!!! I was scared and dried myself off with my own clean garments. What the hell was that about?!
I called my mom and ranted for twenty minutes.
This is what you get when your host is el cheapo. It's not about being ungrateful or anything, but I would gladly have paid for my own accommodation. We expected to do that anyway and have something more decent in return.
Sigh. I miss home.
And guess what, my "organised" dad has yet again surprised me by saying that it's possible we might have to stay another night (luckily at KL this time) and will only get back home on Friday morning.
I need to get my flight changed. NOW.
Bloody hell the meeting tomorrow has better be fruitful.
One redeeming point: at least there's free, working internet.
blogging at lcct
okay I am officially bored. am waiting for my next flight to kb later at 2130 hrs at a coffeeshop, pretending to be busy working on something on my pda phone.
thanks to free wireless at lcct, I can share my boredom with my few measly contacts. so knock yourselves out people.
I have many things I can blog about, which I will do when in the comfort of having my laptop on later. meanwhile, I shall be contented with sprouting nonsense with uncapitalised words (too much of a hassle to use caps when typing on miniature keyboards).
a funy story: I was so bored today I found myself observing a random fly who was preparing to attack my dad's uneaten doughnut.
so there it was, perched on the railing, waiting for the right time to attack. and in the short ten seconds it was there, I noticed a couple of things: first, the fly doesn't look as disgusting as we make of it. second, as much as we associate flies with being dirty and unhygienic, it is actualy capable of simulating what seems like an act of personal hygiene.
since I refrained from seeming like a crazy person and have thus not videotaped the encounter, I shall now attempt to recount what I saw.
first, it lifted its back legs and rubbed them against its wings in a circular motion, just like we would if we were washing our faces.
next, it lifted both its hands and rubbed them together, as if it were washing its hands.
then, as if realising my stare, it stoped for a split second and being flew off.
I was kind of facinated.
okay you may laugh now.
thanks to free wireless at lcct, I can share my boredom with my few measly contacts. so knock yourselves out people.
I have many things I can blog about, which I will do when in the comfort of having my laptop on later. meanwhile, I shall be contented with sprouting nonsense with uncapitalised words (too much of a hassle to use caps when typing on miniature keyboards).
a funy story: I was so bored today I found myself observing a random fly who was preparing to attack my dad's uneaten doughnut.
so there it was, perched on the railing, waiting for the right time to attack. and in the short ten seconds it was there, I noticed a couple of things: first, the fly doesn't look as disgusting as we make of it. second, as much as we associate flies with being dirty and unhygienic, it is actualy capable of simulating what seems like an act of personal hygiene.
since I refrained from seeming like a crazy person and have thus not videotaped the encounter, I shall now attempt to recount what I saw.
first, it lifted its back legs and rubbed them against its wings in a circular motion, just like we would if we were washing our faces.
next, it lifted both its hands and rubbed them together, as if it were washing its hands.
then, as if realising my stare, it stoped for a split second and being flew off.
I was kind of facinated.
okay you may laugh now.
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
and then he's gone
Perkin's Obituary Message
Everyone loves you, and they will always remember you.
So rest in peace my not-so-little pillow. We will always love you.
http://www.singaporepetobituaries.com/PETOBITUARIES_107.html
I've been preparing myself for this for some time now. In fact, I haven't been the only one. Those who love me enough have been exercising some hard lovin' by reminding me that he's old and one cannot expect him to live much longer. And really, I thought I've prepared myself quite enough. I knew I would be sad, but I didn't think I would cry. But I did. Well no, I didn't just cry. I BAWLED. Like a mad woman.
I guess I felt conflicted. On one hand I'm glad his suffering has come to an end. It's for the better really. No one should be living when one can't eat, can't sleep, and can hardly breathe. Yet, it's still so painful to let go.
Thanks to little Jane the broadcaster, everyone who knows Perkins (and who're on facebook) is now aware that he's gone. Thank you to all for your messages. I am fine and Perkins is the luckiest cat in the world to have so many people care for him.
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