a matter of control

I was watching yet another rerun of SATC last night when I was struck by what Carrie Bradshaw said, "I wanted to be a writer, I made myself a writer. If I want a pair of ridiculously expensive shoes, I find a way to get them..." (This was an episode where she was wondering if she would ever want a baby since the man she's dating at the mo has had a vasectomy and was definitely unwilling to reverse it). Anyway, what got me thinking was the issue of WILL and self-control. To what extent can one control his or her own destiny and thus their course in life (and way of living)? 

Now the desire to answer such a question can be traced back to the general sense of almost dissatisfaction and boredom I've been feeling lately. I say "almost" because it's not a feeling that's CERTAIN. You know how when you're very busy and occupied and yet still bored? Technically fulfilled ie. having it all, and yet still dissatisfied? Well, that has been me. There's just something missing, yet I don't know what. 

I suppose everyone takes some time to really discover who he or she really is and what he or she really wants. Some people take a few years, having pretty much fully developed their character early in their adulthood and go on living the lives they've envisioned for themselves. While others, take longer than they probably should. And still some, are still searching. I think I belong to the latter, that is, I'm still searching and will probably continue to do so, as priorities will change as I change. 

Anyway, going back to the idea of WILL and self-control, I keep on wondering the extent to which I can control my mood. If something's lacking, what can I do to make up for it? What is it that I want and not have? Is it even something tangible? And how long will this last?

I guess that's the whole problem with feelings. It's not like an occupation or anything material that's pretty easily obtainable. And the worst thing being that it's more often than not difficult to control and rationalise. It's not like a step by step action plan that one can take. 

And it makes me want to slap myself at times. It's so bloody typical of my OCD nature to be nitpicking something that's otherwise perfect. Yet I suppose, if there's something to nitpick about, it's not perfect after all.