been struggling with withdrawal symptoms due to the sudden cold turkey from dance training since the end of april. from training 12-15 hours a week, i dropped down to none. it's amazing i haven't turned into a mammoth! but of course i've been doing other physical activities to maintain my physique. i'm vain after all.
still no dance partner till now and am not sure when i can dance competitively again. BUT i have plans on starting a workshop for my sister and her dance colleagues/team on basic latin steps for a couple of dances. and i'm thrilled at the prospect. at least i'll be dancing again. and i'm training dancers no less, so i can be as tough as i imagine i want to be. it's gonna start in a week's time and i've prepared a short choreography that should last them for two lessons or so. and i've devised a set of training routines for their benefit too. ain't i a responsible instructor ;) but hey, dancing's in my blood and i am so very glad i can channel my dancing energy somewhere. i've been so deprived!
but seriously, lola needs a dance partner. i'm 27 and there's not THAT much left of my optimum competitive years. unless i decide to dance senior latin once i hit 35. that is a scary thought. but where to find an eligible dancing guy (who's also preferably gay)? singapore's probably not the place.
yet i'm not really into the whole trend of dancing with some foreign import who's obviously gonna be about 5 times better than i am, then paying through my nose to support his dancing with me. that is unthinkable. and i might only consider that if i were say...50 and still wants to do latin or something. provided i wasn't already a size 20 at that time, as opposed to my current size 2.
again, boyfriend's not helping when i lament about my lack of competitive dancing opportunity. the conversation usually goes like this:
lola: bebe, i need to dance.
bf: so dance la!
lola: i have no partner.
bf: go find (ex-partner's name) la.
lola: cannot what. anyway i also don't want.
bf: don't look at me ah, i won't dance.
lola: ...... *thinks*(that was never in my books) - at least not at the competitive level.
anyway, i can go on and on.
on a positive note, at least i can look forward to a different aspect of dance training, that is to train dancers to execute what i regard as good dancing. and that'll keep me distracted for now.
Pic of the Month
Sunday, 27 July 2008
Monday, 21 July 2008
what is happiness?
i'm not someone who jumps at the chance of sharing my happiness in writing. as of how many good songs tend to be emotional and sentimental, peppered with a little bit of pain, i tend to write when i'm in a pensive mood.
well lately i've been feeling a little pensive, maybe more than a little pensive. it's not that i'm unhappy. but there's just a nagging dissatisfaction deep within me that's hard to pinpoint or explain. there's a constant question of happiness and what it means, to me, and to other people. when i asked my mom how she would define happiness and meaning of life, she deems it to be the joy and satisfaction of making the people she loves happy. now that's a truly selfless thought and feeling, and i guess it's a feeling that only a parent can truly feel. for only parents can grant such unconditional love that's above and beyond the natural self-gratifying, self-centered instinct that man and beasts are equipped with.
and in this respect, i guess i can empathise with her only to a certain extent. it's true that the happiness of my loved ones makes me happy. but a big part of me is seeking happiness that's prevalent to myself, independent of what my loved ones might be feeling. so i started questioning myself on what exactly is making me less than happy? and loneliness jumps out as the most significant factor attributing to the dissatisfaction i am feeling.
yet it's not because i have no friends nor people i can connect with. in fact, i am luckier than most to have family, some friends, and a better half i can be emotionally dependent on. but there's just something else that i can't explain attributing to this loneliness. it could be restlessness, boredom, or whatever and however experts can define it...i am clueless.
so i googled, "what is happiness" and a website on self-creation explains happiness in this manner:
Happiness is what you feel when you're NOT feeling....
self doubt
depressed
hateful
fearful
worried
unsatisfied
bored
grief
shame
guilt
discontent
anxious
annoyed
angry
irritated
stressed
frustrated
upset
down
sad
envious
or
jealous.
now that's quite a few emotions one has to dispose of to achieve true happiness. as always, easier said than done.
so what am i missing?
well lately i've been feeling a little pensive, maybe more than a little pensive. it's not that i'm unhappy. but there's just a nagging dissatisfaction deep within me that's hard to pinpoint or explain. there's a constant question of happiness and what it means, to me, and to other people. when i asked my mom how she would define happiness and meaning of life, she deems it to be the joy and satisfaction of making the people she loves happy. now that's a truly selfless thought and feeling, and i guess it's a feeling that only a parent can truly feel. for only parents can grant such unconditional love that's above and beyond the natural self-gratifying, self-centered instinct that man and beasts are equipped with.
and in this respect, i guess i can empathise with her only to a certain extent. it's true that the happiness of my loved ones makes me happy. but a big part of me is seeking happiness that's prevalent to myself, independent of what my loved ones might be feeling. so i started questioning myself on what exactly is making me less than happy? and loneliness jumps out as the most significant factor attributing to the dissatisfaction i am feeling.
yet it's not because i have no friends nor people i can connect with. in fact, i am luckier than most to have family, some friends, and a better half i can be emotionally dependent on. but there's just something else that i can't explain attributing to this loneliness. it could be restlessness, boredom, or whatever and however experts can define it...i am clueless.
so i googled, "what is happiness" and a website on self-creation explains happiness in this manner:
Happiness is what you feel when you're NOT feeling....
self doubt
depressed
hateful
fearful
worried
unsatisfied
bored
grief
shame
guilt
discontent
anxious
annoyed
angry
irritated
stressed
frustrated
upset
down
sad
envious
or
jealous.
now that's quite a few emotions one has to dispose of to achieve true happiness. as always, easier said than done.
so what am i missing?
Thursday, 10 July 2008
7 habits of an assimilated "singaporean"
this post might lead to a series of nasty verbal attacks on me by authentic singaporeans. but in the spirit of freedom of speech, here goes:
having spent most of my childhood in this country, then coming back to start a career in the very same place i grew up in, i have acquired a few habits my adopted country of residence have been accused of cultivating.
ONE: TIME IS MONEY - RUSH WHENEVER I CAN
it doesn't matter where we are or what we are doing. the common thing is: we are always rushing. rushing to change from one mrt to the other, rushing to be the first one to get in the bus/mrt/building (take your pick), rushing to buy/eat/finish lunch in a mere thirty minutes (less if possible), rushing along the street past volunteers asking for donations...yadayadayada you get what i mean. come on, are we really that short of time?
when i first came back from vancouver, i had a hard time readjusting myself to the change of pace, literally. everyone seemed to overtake me, everywhere. but now, almost three years later, i am turning into one of those fast moving people. and it's not just in action or movement, but also in speech. in short, i've morphed into one of them.
TWO: DRIVE AGGRESSIVELY, INSIST ON MY RIGHT OF WAY
i wouldn't say that i was a fan of "driving miss daisy", but i definitely wasn't an aggressive driver. but hey, i have assimilated. if they ain't gonna let me through even after i've signaled, then i'm just gonna stick my head in there and go for it. ha ha. be glad that i'm not one of those who will SPEED UP after seeing someone signaling to come into my lane, even though i was a safe distance away. i was a victim to lots of those.
THREE: MOMMY SAYS DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS
i used to talk to anyone and everyone. and even when strangers talk to me, i won't think too much of it. but now? (okay i can't believe i'm admitting to this) - i am shy. though i will still respond when strangers talk to me, i won't prolong the conversation, and tend to cut it short with the excuse that i'm rushing for time (see point one). why? i'm not sure. maybe i'm shy?
FOUR: IF WE DON'T LIKE IT, WE COMPLAIN
i complain about lots of things: management not doing their job in maintaining the building - complain; my server is rude - complain; suspect my designer of not doing his job well - complain. okay, maybe i am exaggerating. but i definitely find more things less pleasing to my eye than before. being more of a perfectionist? maybe. or maybe i have higher standards. complaining is a pretty singaporean thing. i attribute it partially to the efficiency and ability of many singaporean workers. since they have high abilities, they would expect a certain degree of excellence from their service providers. and when they don't get it, they are unhappy. subsequently, they complain. i ain't proud of this trait. but i have assimilated.
FIVE: I OBSESS OVER MY TUMMY
now singaporean ladies are known for being petite and slim, despite all the nonsense we eat (high fat, high sodium and OH SO GOOD food). yet many still complain about being "too fat" or having "a big tummy" etc. while i have always been a little self-conscious of my body, i was fine with my athletic and muscular build. but then i lost a bunch of baby fat from training for dancesport and just being generally busy, and developed a taste for the thin look. so now i've become one of them thin girls who are a little "skinny fat" - slim limbs and slim frame with a slight tummy. but boy do i obsess over it! i pinch and squeeze and measure and go crazy if my tummy isn't flat in my favourite berms. what's wrong with me?
SIX: I SHOP FOR A LIVING
when i'm happy, i shop. when i'm angry, i shop. when i'm down, i shop. when i'm ecstatic, i shop. shopping is my cardio, and owning the new dress is my motivation. i've always shopped a lot, so i'm all for this national sport, even though it's the most expensive sport i've ever engaged in.
SEVEN: I WORK TOO HARD
I work an average of 12-14 hours a day, six days a week. this is excluding travel and out of town assignments. why work this hard? why it's the national culture. though not as bad as the japanese or the koreans, singaporeans are known to be workaholics. we work because it gives us a focus, and a sense of achievement. besides, we are motivated by money and what money can buy. this is such a consumerist culture we are living in, that such desire is inevitable. a necessary evil. my generation onwards may try to change this by insisting on having a work-life balance. but let me tell you, if money is what you want, you gotta do what you gotta do. forget about working "just enough". and in singapore, one can live comfortably if one can afford it, for it has all the good things life has to offer. so if this is what we want, overworking is just one of the things we gotta do.
there we are: all the seven habits i've acquired in my time here. i'm not being condescending - not saying that these are bad habits, nor am i advocating them. just some observations and analysis of what this society has made me, and others for that matter. these seven habits have made us the kiasu and kiasi bunch we are, like it or not. it's part of the culture. and believe me, it's highly contagious. i'm a living proof.
having spent most of my childhood in this country, then coming back to start a career in the very same place i grew up in, i have acquired a few habits my adopted country of residence have been accused of cultivating.
ONE: TIME IS MONEY - RUSH WHENEVER I CAN
it doesn't matter where we are or what we are doing. the common thing is: we are always rushing. rushing to change from one mrt to the other, rushing to be the first one to get in the bus/mrt/building (take your pick), rushing to buy/eat/finish lunch in a mere thirty minutes (less if possible), rushing along the street past volunteers asking for donations...yadayadayada you get what i mean. come on, are we really that short of time?
when i first came back from vancouver, i had a hard time readjusting myself to the change of pace, literally. everyone seemed to overtake me, everywhere. but now, almost three years later, i am turning into one of those fast moving people. and it's not just in action or movement, but also in speech. in short, i've morphed into one of them.
TWO: DRIVE AGGRESSIVELY, INSIST ON MY RIGHT OF WAY
i wouldn't say that i was a fan of "driving miss daisy", but i definitely wasn't an aggressive driver. but hey, i have assimilated. if they ain't gonna let me through even after i've signaled, then i'm just gonna stick my head in there and go for it. ha ha. be glad that i'm not one of those who will SPEED UP after seeing someone signaling to come into my lane, even though i was a safe distance away. i was a victim to lots of those.
THREE: MOMMY SAYS DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS
i used to talk to anyone and everyone. and even when strangers talk to me, i won't think too much of it. but now? (okay i can't believe i'm admitting to this) - i am shy. though i will still respond when strangers talk to me, i won't prolong the conversation, and tend to cut it short with the excuse that i'm rushing for time (see point one). why? i'm not sure. maybe i'm shy?
FOUR: IF WE DON'T LIKE IT, WE COMPLAIN
i complain about lots of things: management not doing their job in maintaining the building - complain; my server is rude - complain; suspect my designer of not doing his job well - complain. okay, maybe i am exaggerating. but i definitely find more things less pleasing to my eye than before. being more of a perfectionist? maybe. or maybe i have higher standards. complaining is a pretty singaporean thing. i attribute it partially to the efficiency and ability of many singaporean workers. since they have high abilities, they would expect a certain degree of excellence from their service providers. and when they don't get it, they are unhappy. subsequently, they complain. i ain't proud of this trait. but i have assimilated.
FIVE: I OBSESS OVER MY TUMMY
now singaporean ladies are known for being petite and slim, despite all the nonsense we eat (high fat, high sodium and OH SO GOOD food). yet many still complain about being "too fat" or having "a big tummy" etc. while i have always been a little self-conscious of my body, i was fine with my athletic and muscular build. but then i lost a bunch of baby fat from training for dancesport and just being generally busy, and developed a taste for the thin look. so now i've become one of them thin girls who are a little "skinny fat" - slim limbs and slim frame with a slight tummy. but boy do i obsess over it! i pinch and squeeze and measure and go crazy if my tummy isn't flat in my favourite berms. what's wrong with me?
SIX: I SHOP FOR A LIVING
when i'm happy, i shop. when i'm angry, i shop. when i'm down, i shop. when i'm ecstatic, i shop. shopping is my cardio, and owning the new dress is my motivation. i've always shopped a lot, so i'm all for this national sport, even though it's the most expensive sport i've ever engaged in.
SEVEN: I WORK TOO HARD
I work an average of 12-14 hours a day, six days a week. this is excluding travel and out of town assignments. why work this hard? why it's the national culture. though not as bad as the japanese or the koreans, singaporeans are known to be workaholics. we work because it gives us a focus, and a sense of achievement. besides, we are motivated by money and what money can buy. this is such a consumerist culture we are living in, that such desire is inevitable. a necessary evil. my generation onwards may try to change this by insisting on having a work-life balance. but let me tell you, if money is what you want, you gotta do what you gotta do. forget about working "just enough". and in singapore, one can live comfortably if one can afford it, for it has all the good things life has to offer. so if this is what we want, overworking is just one of the things we gotta do.
there we are: all the seven habits i've acquired in my time here. i'm not being condescending - not saying that these are bad habits, nor am i advocating them. just some observations and analysis of what this society has made me, and others for that matter. these seven habits have made us the kiasu and kiasi bunch we are, like it or not. it's part of the culture. and believe me, it's highly contagious. i'm a living proof.
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