the downs of loving

We are facing a crisis. I won't deny that. Even though we are apparently okay and still talking normally, there's already an unspoken strain in our relationship that has brought us to a point where there's a very thin thread holding us together. And this thread may snap at any moment. All it needs is a catalyst. We are officially on a break. A break away from each other where we don't see each other, as if we are not apart enough. Well he said he needed space; some "breathing space" in his own words.
I guess it's still impossible for him to share everything with me, his ups and downs. He's still very much an independent individual who likes to be emotional independent. I do understand where he's coming from though. It's always much easier to be emotionally independent, for you prevent yourself from being vulnerable and you prevent yourself from getting hurt in any way. I guess I'm a weakling in this manner. When I love someone, I literally throw my whole being into the relationship, becoming emotionally dependent on my source of support, my real pillar of strength. And him, being there for me, has to take my shit. And I will do the same. But this is not the case of us. He's just not up for it. I don't know if he'll ever be. I've always known that he has a lot of things in his mind and his life that he's unwilling to share with me. I'm not sure why though. Is he afraid that I may look at him differently if those aspects of his life are revealed to me? Is he worried that by me knowing so much, should we cease to be together, I will have a lot of things I can hold against him? He just can't trust. Not me, not anyone. And whenever I bring this up he just gets mad and tries to avoid the whole issue. It's a problem, and I can totally see it getting worse. It's just too bad that I really fell in love with this guy. So I have to accept this whole shit and try to make it work. I'm not sure if I can, and I'm not sure what I can really do to make it work. But really, I've laid down my cards and thrown the ball back at his court. I told him that I love him, I care about him, and respect him. I'm proud of him and will support him in whatever he chooses to do, even though I may not like what he eventually chooses to do. And now he's the one who's unsure. He's unsure if he really loves me. He's unsure that he wants to be in this relationship. And he can't even tell me that he loves me, or misses me, or cares about me. All he can say is, "give me time. don't force me." If I really want to be angry, I can. But I won't. For it's not going to make things any better. I'll give him the space he wants. Although I can see that he's distancing himself away from me. And I have this feeling that we will eventually be apart. I'll be sad, for sure. But I'll survive. Like I always have.

all i wanna do is find a way back into love

just finished watching "music and lyrics" - finally. and as usual, it's one of those feel-good movies that make you feel all "ohhhhhh" nice and woozy after. but hey i'm a sucker so i shall keep my mouth shut. but truly, if you think about it, no matter how much one apparently rejects this whole lovey dovey notions of romantic love, slamming soppy love songs by boybands and the like, i believe that everyone wants a piece of it deep down inside. no one wants to admit to enjoying watching TITANIC, or liking james blunt's "you're beautiful", yet everyone is constantly seeking for that special someone that can awaken the special feelings they have inside. the whole butterflies in stomach, constant rush of adrenaline and happy hormones drama.

the best memories in a relationship occurs during the courtship stage, where both parties are still trying to get to know each other; when three-hour phonecalls and continous sms-es back and forth are their staple diets. sure, couples may talk about how their growing together in the relationship is the ingredient that makes their relationship stronger and better. but think about it, who doesn't want to go back to the time when disagreements hardly surface because both are too consumed by the notions of love and passion to disagree? i'm not saying that we should all have all these skeletons in our closets and suppress all disagreements in a bid to maintain a superficially harmonious relationship. but really, when the going gets tough in a relationship, it's sometimes the best memories we have in the beginning that reminds us how precious the other party is to us, and how much we'd rather minimise the bad times and maximise the good times. but i digress.

so what exactly is love? it's easy saying i love you over and over again, but truly, what does loving mean? my mom once told me that love is the yardstick to measure how much shit you can take from your other half. that is to say, even if your other half annoys you to hell, if there is love, you will find some way and space and moments in your heart to forgive and tolerate him. and this is not once or twice, but over time.

hence when you say "i love you" to someone, it's reflective of your feelings towards him at this particular moment. but unknowingly, you are also laying down a promise of tolerance and acceptance of his flaws and giving out advance forgiveness and apologies you will extend upon future disagreements. unless of course, you'd rather say something like, "i love you now" or "i love you at this moment in time". but we're getting a little too technical here.

my intention is to get away from just the notion of love, so i can find the real meaning of love, to my interpretation. poetry and romance are bonuses, icing on the cake, but it's the ingredients that matter. and life is a continuous journey in search of that perfect interpretation, though active searching is equivalent to shooting yourself in the foot. for it will find you, when the time comes.

dancing lola

this is a new start. same girl, same life, new stories, and a new openness and willingness to share my stories with whomever cares to read. (in this blogging world, reading substitues listening).

why dancing lola? well, for those who've known me for some time knows that i've always loved the song copacabana, and will sing enthusiastically to the verses "her name is lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there." it's such a happy, cabaret-style song about a showgirl, and yet the story tells of such a tragic end -

Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl
But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it's a disco, but not for Lola
Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair
She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her Tony
Now she's lost her mind!

how tragic, but how beautiful.

then there's this other song which is pretty much my favourite cha cha cha song - whatever lola wants, lola gets, which speaks of the wilful side of me.

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets
And little man, little Lola wants you
Make up your mind to have no regrets
Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through
I always get what I aim for
And your heart'n soul is what I came for

such a little bitch! but i like that.

i take on lola's persona, for lola is who i want to be in my dancing. the morphing of a confident little bitch who knows exactly what she wants and knows when and how to get it, and the fancy little showgirl (aside from the part where she lost her mind), who lives her life loving and performing; true to her emotions all the way to the end.

and so i am lola.

i have moved

Guess I've been wanting to change my blog since sometime back, for very practical reasons of being able to share my blog more openly with my friends. For as you know, this blog is quite personal, and contains way too many stories of my past that I would rather not disclose or be reminded of. But my procastination never seems to fail me and I've managed to push the matter to the back of my head. And today I've finally made an actual action to realise my plan. So I'll move. There are heaps of stories about dancing and training, and work, and travelling that I like to share with my friends, and I will, once this new blog is up. Right now, it's all under construction. But I'm glad. It's kind of like a new start for me. Still the same old joy joy, but a better one.

it takes work

I haven't been here for a while now, having just been able to make up all kinds of excuses not to blog. And it's not to difficult to realise that it's only when I face issues regarding affairs of the heart will I make any sort of appearance here. It's 1. to clear my head 2. to unleash my frustrations through the most harmless way possible 3. to express the emotions I may not be able to vocalise via other means.

Recently discovered certain things that bothered me. It may not be something major per se, but like I said so many times, it's not the content, but the implication that is the problem. I thought it has been sorted out, and that the incident will help us move forward. Little did I know that it did just the opposite. Not only did it not enhance what we have, instead, it ruins the budding flower that was growing so well, and looking so promising. It's almost like one of my favourite old songs - layu sebelum berkembang. My best friend told me that it's often the case that something that's meant to be yours for a long time, if not forever, will be one that's going to give you the most problems. It's only if you could overcome all these obstacles, that you will reap the sweet fruits later on in your life, and your lives. I guess this is a romantic rendition of all the greatest love stories, but will it end in tragedy? How tiring is this.

I feel that this is one of those things that will make or break us. Will we get through this?