great expectations

my dance partner asked me rhetorically yesterday, "why do you think our coaches pick on us all the time? there are far worst dancers, why do they pick on us?" then he said, "because they like us, and they believe we can make it." he said this with a satisfied smile on his face, convinced that he is right. what he said got me thinking about the situation i am in now. even as a child, i feel the expectations people have of me. parents, teachers, coaches...they all seem to think i will be a somebody. expectations can be good. they usually give one positive pressure to move forward and to improve oneself. but what if these expectations are too great to bear? they can be subtle and insidious, but the pressure is still there. my parents for instance, think that i can be one of the successful 'second generation' in expanding the family business. i'm flattered. but because of that, i feel the constant need to prove myself. and it's quite stressful really, as it means compromising other aspects of my life that's equally important to me...like dance for instance. it's not that i can't devote my time into dancing. but i do feel a little guilty when i spend my time on it, as if this time could instead be put into my work. i guess a lot of the pressure is self-imposed. but i can't help it, as i can see the envy in my parents' faces when they talk about the successful second generation of their business associates and all that. anyway, is it because they love me the most that they nag at me the most? is it because they truly think that i'm the best manifestation of their mix of good genes? can i live up to these great expectations? i guess i can only do my best and que sera sera.

introspective or inefficient?

as i grow older and enter new phases in my life, i have come to accept my introspective nature. i am a person who tends to analyse (and sometimes overanalyse) a person, a situation, a feeling, an emotion, and everything that comes my way. while there were times in my life (school days for example) when i tried to be the warrior who's single-minded, solidly pursuing the 'correct' and realistic goals in life, time and events often prove that i am just not made to be those who fit in those moulds.

some may deem it a weakness or a self-inflicted pain on oneself. after all, what's the point of just thinking about everything when all these 'useless' thoughts sometimes interfere with what could have been done to make one's life more productive?maybe this is what we call the smart man's sorrow. or perhaps we can explain it via mazlow's hierarchy of needs:

Physiological Needs
Safety Needs
Social Needs
Esteem Needs
Self-Realization needs

having satisfied the most basic needs, an awful lot of time is spent trying to achieve other needs. the problem lies in the fact that these are little aspects of each category that cannot be fulfilled. for instance, while one may know a fair number of people and can technically be proud of having enough social connections and support, there are very few candidates within this category who may end up being ones who can consistent source of emotional support. unfortunately, one tends to put (almost) all our eggs in one basket. meaning to say that we may invest way too much time and energy on one or a few individuals instead of spreading our love. while this is not absolutely wrong, it puts us in a pretty vulnerable position of risking losing our support system completely should the initial source of support fail us.

when i face problems as such, i tend to logically analyse the issue and try to see if i can salvage the situation, in order to help myself. but it's almost a classic scenario of paralysis by analysis. with so much thinking and analysing the situation at hand, one loses focus of what needs to be done and what's realistically ahead of us - real world problems that need to be solved and specific matters at hand that need to be tackled. so then i suppose the right thing to do is to shift our focus back to reality and deal with concrete matters at hand. so if you're a worker, do your job; if you're a student, study. but once we do this, it's like throwing a towel over your head and refusing to see the real problem that comes from deep inside. masking one's introspective self in return for greater efficiency - is it worth it? in this life, what exactly are we searching for?

when one is a student, life is pretty simple. we have one focus - to study. there's a goal to work for, and a path to take. and as a student, we long for the freedom to finally decide on what we want out of life, once this 'duty' as a student is completed. but as we get out of that position, we are thrown in a sea of infinite possibilities which confuses the hell out of us, especially when we are not even sure what is it that we want from life. it seems easy to just declare that you want to be happy. so whatever you do, it should make you happy. but sometimes it doesn't work this way. as much as you are in control of your own destiny and your actions, one does not exist alone in society and in this world. we, as an individual, is just a minute creation amidst the world's wonders. so many things are beyond our control. and many a time, it is precisely these things beyond our control that are hampering our constant search for happiness.

we live our lives as people living amongst other people. we seek recognition, acceptance and determine our self-worth from people's appreciation of what we do and what we're capable of. it's never good enough to just be happy about what you do. for real appraisal doesn't come from the one to oneself. yet, when happiness can only be derived from other people's appraisal of you, you will never be happy. for no one is responsible for, or obliged to help you deal with your issues.

the lola who's introspective often turns into the lola who's unproductive. lola needs to take charge and move forward.

the dating game

the world of dating has evolved quite remarkably these days, such that it has become rather difficult to 'catch up' unless you're a regular or seasoned dater. as we get busier, more efficient, and less patient, we've come to develop a new expectation of dating - that dating has to be as efficient as everything else in our lives. meaning we try too hard to get to know someone too fast, so we can quickly gather as much information about them within the shortest period of time, after which we can quickly come to a conclusion as to whether or not this fellow is the one we're looking for in a mate. it's almost like playing a volatile stock. we invest the least time possible, while trying to gain as much (knowledge) about this stock. then once we've 'acquired' this stock, we then try to decide whether or not it's worth our while to pump in more money, or in this case, other intangibles such as time and love. while this seems like a pretty good screening strategy in our constant search for the most suitable mate, we often don't realise the important steps we're missing out in the process of dating. let's put it this way, if we decide on the person based on his qualities that we've spotted in the brief period of mutual interaction, that leaves us little room to develop unexplainable feelings for the person - the mysterious process of 'falling in love'. also, going into a relationship, expecting the person to be what we initially think of him as, is a slow but sure route to killing the relationship in the end, for this leaves no room for compromise. say the guy fails to live up to our initial expectation, will we then deem him an unsuitable candidate? for when a relationship develops out of logical analysis of the couple's compability, there's no reason for one party to condone the other for his flaws. but when you allow yourself to first develop the feelings, then analyse the compability, then there's a reason to tell yourself, "ah i can take his shit, cos i love him." i'm not advocating for the blind taking of your partner's abuse in any way. what i'm saying however, is that in an ideal situation, there should be time allocated for two people to really fall in love. and even within an established relationship, there should be many leeways for compromise and excuses. so even if either party has lost all his brownie points for one reason or another, he would be given many more by his mate, unconditionally. he shouldn't have to be subjected to the danger of being declared an ex just for failing to live up to his expectations. invest a bit more time, and a seemingly short-lived, volatile bond might prove to be a profitable long term unit trust. passion is frivilous, but real love lasts for a long time.