perfect solitude

Walked home from Orchard today - once again after a long long time. It was a good walk, a time to think and reflect. Of course the walk brought back past memories, still vivid on my mind. After all, it wasn't that long ago. Went to the DVD store and rented a bunch of DVDs. Just want to spend my nights reading and enjoying one movie after another. After all, I don't sleep much. I have time. Being alone isn't completely bad. It's better than being with bad company, that's for sure. Although people are asking me out all the time, most of the time I just want to be on my own. Maybe it's because I'm a dreamer. And such solitude gives me abundant space and freedom to indulge in my own thoughts and fancies. And I don't have to explain to anyone. Some may view it as a pathetic indulgence in self pity. But for me, it's really a strengthening process.

I feel a little happier today. I was able to laugh with my gym mates, truly laugh without sad eyes. I was able to eat. I was able to function normally. And I wasn't able to cry. Huge improvement. And for the very first time, I don't feel like writing on the recovery blog, although I know last night's entry is far from the being the last.

You know, perceived happiness is fleeting. So everytime we enjoy a moment of happiness, we should never take it for granted. For it could very well be the last time. An optimist says that every 60 seconds of sadness is a minute of happiness robbed from you. But a realist like me will say that while every 60 seconds of sadness takes away a minute of happiness, it's still a feeling you have to experience. For without feeling sad, how can you then treasure your happiness? Without the pain of sadness, how can you truly relish in the blessing of happiness?

Every moment of sadness I feel is an armour to defend me against all odds. It's my cushion to protect me should I fall again. And when I finally experience true happiness, the joy i feel will be manifold. For compared to this bank of sadness I've stored, each joyful moment will seem doubly sweet.

I digress again.

Solitude gives me a peace of mind. It gives me strength. I need it now.

i love my breakfast

Breakfast at GWC's CEDELE.

I love my Sunday morning's breakfast/brunch. Always reminds me of the good old diner days back in Van. Although I went for breakfast with a mind full of memories, both bitter and sweet, the warm comforting taste of sweet pancakes still managed to cheer me up a little. See? Don't I look somewhat happy?

misunderstood

Why won't they understand? I like quiet, I like solitude. As much as I enjoy the occasionally partying with friends. Despite the ease through which I move through the crowd, socialising without effort, I truly do not enjoy crowds and noise. All I want is the right company. Why the fuck do they see the need to automatically classify me under the category of "outgoing party girl"? Why? Why can't they see the two sides in me? Why can't they see and honour the serious side? Why do they automatically think I have problems when they see me quiet and melancholy? Why do they think I've changed? Don't they know it's just a part of me? Don't they know that everytime I say I'm busy it's because I'm busy with myself, spending time alone just doing my own things? Can't they respect that? Do they really think I have THAT many friends? Do I want THAT many friends? Does hanging out doing nothing in particular with random people guarantee me the kind of happiness I'm looking for? Who the fuck are they to think they know who I am? It doesn't take long for me to decide who I'd want to spend more time with and who I just can't be bothered to give my time to. They think they know it all, saying that I need to constantly be with people to avoid feeling lonely. Yea right. Maybe that's you. But no, my friend. All these strangers. I don't need them. Like I said, there's no need to compromise. Rather than spending time with the wrong crowd, I'd rather be alone. Fucking just leave me alone.

to love somebody

My friends keep telling me it's better to be loved than to love. And I disagree. You know why? I've spent a good portion of my young life getting into relationships where the other person loved me more than I loved them. And sure it felt good at times. It's nice to be cared for and prioritised, that's for sure. But those relationships never lasted because there was always a nagging feeling of guilt, for being unable to give as much to them as they could to me. Perhaps that was how he felt. I don't know and I won't know. So I promised myself that I would wait for the person I could give my love to, and I did. Alas I couldn't be loved in return. Isn't this always the case. All the poor matches in the world. But I still refuse to compromise. Why should I? It's true that loving might hurt more than it gratifies. Yet the joy of giving, the satisfaction of caring for someone other than myself, putting someone ahead of myself...are indescribable. The feelings are novel, fresh, new, exciting. And they make me feel 100% everyday. Like a direction in life, the purpose for living life to the fullest.

I fell but I will rise again. Will not seek for when I seek I shall not find. But I will remain optimistic. No compromise.

love from your sister

My dear little sister, I will never judge you. Don't be afraid to show me who you really are and how you truly feel. It's your life, and you are free to make your own choices. All I can do is to give you the support you need and to offer you my opinions. After all I've been through more than you in life and have experienced whatever you are going through right now. It's alright to not really know what you want. It's alright to spend your time exploring new possibilities until you finally realise what you are looking for. But please, make sure you take care of yourself along the way.

You know you can always talk to me when you need to. I've spoken to him at 4am this morning. Misery loves company. In the four or so years I've known him, I feel that I've only truly known the kind of person he is in that hour and a half of our conversation. And I could see what you saw in him. He's a good person. Though maybe not the one for you right now.

You are at a point in your life where you will experience the most changes. You will change...so much. So much that you might not recognise yourself when you look back. But that's how it's going to be. It's normal. It's part of growing up. Don't hold yourself back, just let it happen. But again, take care of yourself. Don't keep everything to yourself for I know despite your cool exterior, you need the emotional and mental support to go on.

Do what makes you happy. But do know that there are people who love you. And with this love we'll protect you so that you are free to give your love to the one(s) you want. I am so willing to love because I am so loved. And you should do the same.

Be happy.

my best friend

I've never really told you this, but you make a better friend than anything else. We've been friends so long and know each other inside out. Feel like I can tell you everything and you'll understand. We share our sorrows and our pain, our joy and our happiness. Such comfort, to have a friend like you. You seem so excited over the new prospect you are seeing, and I'm excited for you too. I hope she can be the companion you are seeking, one you need who'll be there for you. I know that'll make your stay in Windsor more bearable, and it'll make you a lot happier. And you need that. Thank you for your openess, your vulnerability, your transparency, and even your melodrama. Thank you for being you.

where did I go wrong?

A couple of people just recently told me that I am a wonderful person. I'm far from perfect, but I believe I do have a kind heart. I may be indifferent to people I don't give a damn about but I give my heart to those I care about. I would love them, care for them, go out of the way for them. As long as they are happy. So much so that sometimes I wonder if I am taken advantage of. Maybe they don't really care about me as much as I care about them. If that's really the case, how stupid I would be. If I were really such a nice person, why do I feel that I am not loved? Why do I feel that the only people who truly love me for who I am are my family and those people I left behind? Why do I feel so lonely? I have so much to give yet I can't. I have so much to share yet no one to share with. It's so sad isn't it? Where did I go wrong? Maybe I'm confining myself in a closed space where I have nowhere to run. For no matter where I turn, I meet a dead end. I may sound ultra melodramatic but sometimes that's how I feel. My life sucked out of me little by little. Sadness turned into anger, anger into bitterness. But where did I go wrong? I need some answers.

little joy joy - a personal trainer?

Today my trainer once again suggested I make personal training my full time career. You have the passion for fitness, the physique to train and a suitable personality to boot. We need people like you. There's a huge market now, with a high demand for female trainers, and we are short of people. Says he. So why can't I do it part time, I asked. Well, it's hard doing it part time, you need to make it a full time job. But I need to earn more says I. The pay is too low. You'll make what you're making now in 3 months, he said. And I guarantee you'll make even more once you're stable. Sounds tempting indeed. A physical job is definitely better for me in the long run. Although my job isn't too bad, and I enjoy learning new things and challenging my mind with this job, in this exciting industry, the job can get a little mundane and deskbound at times. And knowing me, I'll kill myself if I have to be tied to my chair 9-5 for five days a week. It gets too predictable, too comfortable, too...boring. Yet at the same time, I'm still progressing. My clients are liking me, and it looks like my future is pretty bright in this industry. So I'm reluctant to give the job up right now.

So then I told him, why don't I do the floor training on my own time, outside my full time job. It's tough says he. That means you have to do it weeknights and in the weekends. Well I can do it says I. I don't have much of a social life (by choice okay). I'd rather enrich myself this week. Workaholic indeed. He wasn't keen on me doing this, but after much persuasion and nudging (we're good friends you know, and you like me so much etc etc), he agreed to see if he can slot me in any available weeknight and Sunday time slots. Kinda excited really. Hope I'll be able to start "working" next week. I know they pay peanuts, but hey, it doesn't really matter. At least I get the training, and maybe I'll be able to start building my client base. And who knows I might really like training people physically. We'll see. If that happens, then I'm sure I'll be able to make a better decision on whether I should make this my full time career.

But little joy joy as a personal trainer. Can you see it? My step classmates keep saying how young I look (this lady keeps thinking I was in school or something). And you know, they see me as a little girl. But hey, maybe I can make a pretty kickass trainer. After all, I was born to exercise. :)

Woohoo this prospect is so exciting. Yet something else to look forward to in my life.

sometimes love's just ain't enough - how apt

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all

It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

no i'm not depressed. i still believe in love. =)
for i've loved, i love, and will still love.
even if i fall again and again and again.

the beatles sung it well

i love you, i love you, i love you
that's all i want to say
until i find a way
i will say the only words i know that you'll understand

i need to, i need to, i need to
i need to make you see
oh what you mean to me
until i do i'm hoping you will know what i mean

i want you, i want you, i want you
i think you know by now
i'll get to you somehow
until i do i'm telling you so you'll understand

i love you......

dad and love

I've always known and felt my dad's great love for me, and for the family. Really, my dad's love is the epitome of unconditional love. Yet I feel that sometimes, the nicer he is to me, the more unreasonable I act towards him, as if I take it for granted that no matter how wilful I act and how unruly I am towards him, he'll love me all the same. Take two nights ago as an example, my dad came back from Indo and once again commented on how I always leave the car outside the garage. Well, this is my fault that's true. But I'm also unlucky in the sense that everytime I leave the car out, (which isn't all that often), he happens to see it. Which means that the 5% of the time I do that, he'll be around to witness my mistake. So I got all pissed off and started complaining on how he doesn't trust me with the car etc etc. Bitching and bitching. Poor dad. All he did was to smile and said that he was only making a comment and that there should be communication between father and daughter. I don't know if it's PMS or just me being exceptionally bitchy, I continued getting mad and told him how he was ruining my mood etc etc all the way to the golf range where we were supposed to practice together. Bad bad bitch. I feel so guilty in retrospect for behaving the way I did. Completely unreasonable, out of style, and definitely showed zero of my supposed maturity. No wonder dad still treats me like a child sometimes.

Then it also makes me think, is it true that the more someone loves you, the more you take them for granted; not treating them as nicely as you should. No doubt you claim to love them and care about them and so on. But if you don't show it through your actions, what does it matter how much you claim to love them? Isn't it more important to show it. Love should be associated with patience, understanding and fogiveness. To love someone is to be patient with them; with their actions that might annoy you. Accepting their flaws as part of the whole package.

I love my dad and my mom. Yet I can be so completely impatient towards them. Too much isn't it? Yet sometimes it almost seems like I cannot help behaving the way I do.

Thanks dad, for understanding.