perfect solitude

Walked home from Orchard today - once again after a long long time. It was a good walk, a time to think and reflect. Of course the walk brought back past memories, still vivid on my mind. After all, it wasn't that long ago. Went to the DVD store and rented a bunch of DVDs. Just want to spend my nights reading and enjoying one movie after another. After all, I don't sleep much. I have time. Being alone isn't completely bad. It's better than being with bad company, that's for sure. Although people are asking me out all the time, most of the time I just want to be on my own. Maybe it's because I'm a dreamer. And such solitude gives me abundant space and freedom to indulge in my own thoughts and fancies. And I don't have to explain to anyone. Some may view it as a pathetic indulgence in self pity. But for me, it's really a strengthening process.

I feel a little happier today. I was able to laugh with my gym mates, truly laugh without sad eyes. I was able to eat. I was able to function normally. And I wasn't able to cry. Huge improvement. And for the very first time, I don't feel like writing on the recovery blog, although I know last night's entry is far from the being the last.

You know, perceived happiness is fleeting. So everytime we enjoy a moment of happiness, we should never take it for granted. For it could very well be the last time. An optimist says that every 60 seconds of sadness is a minute of happiness robbed from you. But a realist like me will say that while every 60 seconds of sadness takes away a minute of happiness, it's still a feeling you have to experience. For without feeling sad, how can you then treasure your happiness? Without the pain of sadness, how can you truly relish in the blessing of happiness?

Every moment of sadness I feel is an armour to defend me against all odds. It's my cushion to protect me should I fall again. And when I finally experience true happiness, the joy i feel will be manifold. For compared to this bank of sadness I've stored, each joyful moment will seem doubly sweet.

I digress again.

Solitude gives me a peace of mind. It gives me strength. I need it now.