I've always been a restless child I suppose; constantly wanting to do more and more with my life, fill my schedules to the fullest so I'd feel that I'm making full use of my time. Growing up, I'd have a timetable for myself outside of what I'm obliged to follow in school. Swimming and dance on alternate days, organ lessons in the weekends and what have you. Come to think of it, what was motivation? Perhaps it was the desire for learning. Or it could very well be my attempt at finding something that I would actually stick with.
When I found dancesport, the restlessness subsided a little, as it's a full committment that takes up most of what leisure time I have apart from work. Without it, I seem to have too much energy all the time. Despite my long work hours, the abundance of energy is constantly looking for outlets to dissipate.
I guess running is one way.
Sometimes though, I wonder if such restless energy stems from a need for something more; something I am seaching for. A kind of peace. A certain stability. Almost a routine. Not a routine in the way of work, pub, home. But a routine as in work, passion, stability. Sounds vague, abstract almost. But I know exactly how it should feel. The difficulty lies in attaining it.
It's a journey. Some people are lucky to get it first, while others may spend their entire lives looking for it, and may not even find it. Two possibilities: Some may not know what they're looking for, finding something and then realising that it's not what they're looking for, then starting to search again. While others may know exactly what they're looking for, and yet will never find it due to idealistic notions of having the sort of perfection they have in mind.
If I were to classify myself in one of the two categories of unlucky explorers, I'd be the initial. Searching, finding, failing, losing, and starting the search all over again. Light at the end of the tunnel being that I am not a jaded explorer. Oh thank my lucky star that I'm such a romantic! I'd search and find, and if I fall, I'd get back on my feet and begin my next journey.
The journey may not be pleasant at times. And I'd wonder if it's worth going through the trouble in search of the supposed stability that I believe I'd find in the end. But to give up, and live a life wondering "what if?"...that'll truly kill me slowly.
So I move along and continue my journey, knowing that in my attempt at attaining this gem of stability, I have to first find the zen within me.
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