let it be

friends who have known me for a while know me to be a little bit of a control freak; a little bit obsessive, and i suppose, a little bit idealistic. i like expectations and some kind of predictability; knowing what's ahead of me. realistically however, many things are beyond our control, and i just have to learn to accept it, and let it be. 

talked to my mom about some issues i've been mulling over and was surprised at her views on them. though i must say, i'm pleased that she thinks this way. perfectly in sync with my own take on things. while atypical, and though many people may choose to disagree, i do think what she suggested would be a good solution to help solve the issues i'm facing. though they cannot be solved right away, i guess it'll make things better somehow. 

but now i just have to pscyh myself to let it be. be calm. be cool. and let it be. 

random in sibu

Yet another night in Sibu. 
It's alright really, just a short trip. And the work's good, as usual. Getting a lot of things done, completing outstanding stuff. All those good things associated with Operation and Project management. But nights are always a tad harder to get by. Lucky for me, I managed to hijack the free internet connection with my MAC. I LOVE MY MAC!!! Since it's virtually impossible to connect using my teeny weeny netbook. So at least I can rant and whine on my blog, stalk my friends' fb pages, and those other wonderful stuff that are made possible by the internet. 


I'm restless again. 


They took me to a new cafe for dinner tonight. CAFE O CAFE is the name. It's a nice place! I don't mind just sitting there to stone for a couple of hours. The food's pretty decent, the milk tea is rich and not too sweet, the place is cooling and not smoky, and best of all, it plays 80s and 90s ROCK BALLAD! How awesome is that? I was really pleased. Had some fried beehoon, hot honey lemon and hot milk tea, feeling totally rejuvenated. Was pretty lethargic the whole day and kept falling asleep after a few pages of MR PIP that I've been trying to finish. So I felt a lot better after that dinner. I will definitely go back there again. 


Stalked one of my acquaintances' FB photo albums and saw some great pics taken during the last comp that I avoided. Made me miss dancing again :( Although I'm still training, honestly, it's totally not the same. I miss the focus, the direction, the drive, the competition, the thirst to improve, the hunger to do better each time, the make up, the costumes, the training, the hours spent honing that one crazy move, the quarrels with dance partner, the frustrations, the indescribable sense of pride and achievement after nailing that difficult routine, and most of all, the rush of adrenaline once we hit the floor...thinking of nothing but dancing strictly from the heart. Miss it. Miss it a lot. Nothing's quite the same. 

Gonna randomly end the post with one of my favourite songs: SUARA KUBERHARAP

di sini aku masih sendiri

merenungi hari-hari sepi

aku tanpamu, masih tanpamu

bila esok hari datang lagi

ku coba hadapi semua ini

meski tanpamu oooh meski tanpamu

bila aku dapat bintang yang berpijar

mentari yang tenang bersamaku disini

ku dapat tertawa menangis merenung

di tempat ini aku bertahan

suara dengarkanlah aku

apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

suara dengarkanlah aku

apakah aku slalu dihatinya

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

kalau ku masih tetap disini

ku lewati semua yang terjadi

aku menunggumu, aku menunggu

suara dengarkanlah aku

apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

suara dengarkanlah aku

apakah aku ada dihatinya

aku di sini menunggunya

masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Awesome song.

hocus focus

I am entirely convinced that I am more comfortable with keeping a small group of close friends and selected individuals, rather than keep up with an extensive social circle. Without any intention to offend any friends of mine, frankly, I get a bit disoriented when I get involved in way too many social activities. It's not that I don't try. Precisely because I know that I'm the type who usually put all my eggs in very few baskets, that starting this year, I've been expanding my social circle and attending more social activities, instead of just cooping myself in my little comfort zone of work, dance, run, and solitude. Which has been good really. I've been having a lot of fun. But despite being surrounded by way more people, it still doesn't change the usual feeling I have of being alone. Now that sounded a little emo there. But that wasn't the intention. While I do have great friends who have stood by me through difficult times, there's still something missing. For lack of a better description, I suppose that missing element is what we'd like to term a soulmate. Though really, how do we know when someone is really our soulmate? Out of so many people in the world with such varying personalities and preferences, I'd be so lucky to find someone I can get along for an extended period of time with. And I don't mean just getting along in terms of having fun, just during the good times. But also getting along in the manner that both can totally just be ourselves with no air of self consciousness or too much restrain, as we both know that no judgement will be made on each other. Not necessarily a total understanding cos that'd be idealistic; nor would we be twins cos that would just be somewhat narcissistic and...well, freaky. But there would be an acceptance, of the fact that we're different, and yet complementary. See? It's hard enough looking for someone to really get along with, how would we ever find a soulmate? Or maybe this whole soulmate business is just a pretty way of packaging what I've just described above?

focus girl, focus.

I am exceptionally bored and moody tonight. I'm not quite sure why. I've just been so bloody restless; feeling like I've got way too much energy and not enough means to channel it to. I think I've been doing too much but not intensively enough. It's grazing - something I'm totally not used to. I've always been a pretty focused person. I don't get myself involved in too many things. But for those I get involved in, I get really involved in. It's in the discipline man. But now, I feel like I'm doing so many things and losing focus. Totally losing focus now. What am I gonna do?! What should I do?

Maybe I should cut down on my activities and just focus on figuring out What I really want. Or I could just spend the time on work. At least it'll be something productive.

I need to really focus.

for lack of a suitable title

I truly dislike how weekends just fly by. It's now the first ten minutes of Monday, which equates to yet another work week. Honestly, work doesn't bother me. I like to work. It's the work travel that can be a pain sometimes. It just completely breaks my momentum. And it makes me feel ungrounded somehow. Like there's a lack of stability in my life. And being a true blue Taurean, I do not like it one bit. But I suppose it's part of the deal, and I can't complain. Plus, it has been a pretty awesome week in many ways. 


Aside from Monday, I've been out every night this week. The Full Monty on Tuesday; Firehouse on Wednesday; Basketball on Thursday; Texas Hold'em on Friday; Golf on Saturday and a full training plus shopping on Sunday. Weekend starts early baby! Yet, for some reason, I still feel a little...unsettled. Why is that? 


Anyway, I am starting to ramble. 

I really like this picture. It's cute. T'was a friendly cat and one very amused baby. I looked happy don't I? 
































Night.

discovering what i need

I wish I could list out what I need in a checklist, as if making a grocery list of what I am looking for in a relationship. But I can't. Qualities are just qualities, and when the right one comes along, the supposed checklist of qualities you're looking for are rendered useless. Immediately thrown out of the window. When fate brings you a gift, the rest becomes irrelevant. I suppose the qualities you desire in a mate serves as some sort of resume that determines the kind of person you're attracted to, be it physically, intellectually, spiritually, or watnot. But in reality, this "checklist" sort of evolves as you mature emotionally, to a point that you sometimes wonder if this checklist evolves based on the qualities you've come to accept on the person you've grown to love, or because you've slowly discovered what you need from your better half.

Every relationship is like a trial and error. Yes it is nice to believe that there's someone out there who's placed on this earth just for you. And yes, the romantic in me does believe that to a certain extent. But I can't yet fathom how some people claim they will know who is "THE ONE" once they've met that person. For I think we''ll never know until the relationship is tried and tested by time and circumstances. And this means allowing yourself to be vulnerable; open to the possibilities of either having happiness that could last for a long time, or pain that could be freaking unbearable to the point you wished you haven't taken that risk to love.

You weigh all these based on what you feel you need. I say feel because the realisation of what you want from a relationship should come from your heart, not your head. Yes it is easy to be all realistic and "figure" out what you need, if you come from a logical standpoint. But love should not be entirely logical, should it? Wouldn't it be pretty sad if falling in love becomes something that can be calculated and predicted based on logic and analysis? Then it will be "making it happen", and not "just letting it happen", which is a huge huge difference.

I have stopped thinking about a checklist these days. Cos' I never seem to use it anyway. But I am more conscious and aware f what I prefer. And in attempt to sum up the indescribable, let's just bring it down to sustainability. Whatever it is, it should be sustainable. Easier said than done of course. But it's of utmost importance. The rest is just decoration.

between planner and a free spirit

Sometimes I am caught in between being a painfully systematic and organised planner and an impulse-driven, instinct trusting free spirit. On the surface it is no question that I am the former; always working better in an environment where I have control over the situation and constantly knowing what's happening and what's going on. Yet, when it comes to core issues that are less seen and known by casual acquaintances, I refuse to succumb to planning and calculated moves. For that takes away from the spontaneity and the "naturalness" (for lack of a better description) of things. And that's so important! Especially in a society where having a plan and executing things according to said plan is valued above anarchic style of doing things. Which is all good...for work.

I was having a conversation with someone a while back, and told him that should my mom had chosen a different path in life, she might have been a wanbdering hippie. And he said, "maybe you too, like mother like daughter". not to take it literally that hippie equates to the stereotypical 60s peace-loving, pot-smoking vegan with bell bottoms. But maybe I do have it in me if I was in a different situation: to be a free spirit who goes where the wind takes me (in my caravan?). What a hilarious sight it would be.

That, supposedly, would make me disoriented and nervous, as that equates to placing me in environments that are constantly out of my control. But I can't help but wonder, if ever such an opportunity presents itself, would I have the guts to take it?

sunday lazy sunday

What a lovely Sunday. Spent most of the day playing the much awaited rock band with the little sister, then went on to get some groceries, followed by dinner and gossip session with a close girlfriend. Life's good. So even though here I am, sitting at the office waiting for my files to be transferred in preparation for yet another work trip tomorrow morning, I can't complain. 


Realised that I've slowed down. Not necessarily in a bad way. Just learning to take things easy and not worry unnecessarily. Life's too short to be bogged down by negative thinking. Like what everyone keeps telling me, work's never gonna get all done. There's always gonna be something to do, something to complete. Of course, one has got to be careful when following this mantra. It's just too easy to continue chanting this and then let the work pile up...and then stress about it later. 


In any case, as cliched as it may sound, balance is indeed the key. Go all out during the workdays, then let it all go on the rest days. After all, it's a marathon eh, not a 100m race. 


At last, the transfer is done. Time to head home and enjoy the rest of the lazy Sunday. 

lola's not dancing yet again

Went to the studio tonight after a long period of absence. Sporadic absence really, having visited the studio every now and then for the odd lesson or two whenever I'm in town. The studio was packed, which is not unexpected considering the competition is coming up very soon. Everyone's psyched to dance well and the studio was alive. And yet I was there only to teach. Not to dance.

While teaching is definitely a good way of keeping up, so that my dancing does not completely go to hell, it's very different, and barely enough to keep me even remotely satisfied. Competitive dancing had been such a huge part of my life, it seems so strange that it's not even close to being a part of my regular schedule now.

And it's funny how everyone's really sensitive about it, careful not to mention my lack of partner or ask me when I'm ever going to start dancing again. I don't mind, really. I'm not going to wallow in self pity just because I cannot find a competitive dance partner suitable for me. After all it's no easy feat to find a compatible dance partner. For he has to match you in height and size, skill level, dancing personality, level of motivation and commitment, passion, determination, and confidence...just to name a few. And most of all, there needs to be dancing chemistry, which is the hardest element to find of all.

It's different from the chemistry between a mutually attracting man and woman. This chemistry involves the action-reaction between the lead and the follow. With good chemistry, the lead becomes more masculine, and the follow, much more feminine. The man shall be so macho, and the woman so sexy. They will move as one, dancing to the crowd and to each other, with close connection and feel. When he makes a mistake, she will too, not intentionally, but just because she is so completely connected to him it is impossible to do otherwise.

That's chemistry.

Although I am active with running and other activities like the random rollerblading or hiking or what have you, I still feel a hollowness without dancing in my life. All of a sudden I have too much time on my hands. And there's only so much time one can fill with work before one get burnt out. And of course, I have way too much energy. No backaches, no muscle aches, no bruises or broken toenails. How very strange.

In any case, I'm not sure when I'd be so lucky to be able to dance competitively again. I hope it'll be sooner rather than later. But I am not putting my hopes high. For the higher your expectations are, the more disappointed you'll feel when these are not met. If there is little expectation, whatever you get shall be a bonus in itself.

finding zen within me

I've always been a restless child I suppose; constantly wanting to do more and more with my life, fill my schedules to the fullest so I'd feel that I'm making full use of my time. Growing up, I'd have a timetable for myself outside of what I'm obliged to follow in school. Swimming and dance on alternate days, organ lessons in the weekends and what have you. Come to think of it, what was motivation? Perhaps it was the desire for learning. Or it could very well be my attempt at finding something that I would actually stick with.


When I found dancesport, the restlessness subsided a little, as it's a full committment that takes up most of what leisure time I have apart from work. Without it, I seem to have too much energy all the time. Despite my long work hours, the abundance of energy is constantly looking for outlets to dissipate.


I guess running is one way.


Sometimes though, I wonder if such restless energy stems from a need for something more; something I am seaching for. A kind of peace. A certain stability. Almost a routine. Not a routine in the way of work, pub, home. But a routine as in work, passion, stability. Sounds vague, abstract almost. But I know exactly how it should feel. The difficulty lies in attaining it.


It's a journey. Some people are lucky to get it first, while others may spend their entire lives looking for it, and may not even find it. Two possibilities: Some may not know what they're looking for, finding something and then realising that it's not what they're looking for, then starting to search again. While others may know exactly what they're looking for, and yet will never find it due to idealistic notions of having the sort of perfection they have in mind.


If I were to classify myself in one of the two categories of unlucky explorers, I'd be the initial. Searching, finding, failing, losing, and starting the search all over again. Light at the end of the tunnel being that I am not a jaded explorer. Oh thank my lucky star that I'm such a romantic! I'd search and find, and if I fall, I'd get back on my feet and begin my next journey.


The journey may not be pleasant at times. And I'd wonder if it's worth going through the trouble in search of the supposed stability that I believe I'd find in the end. But to give up, and live a life wondering "what if?"...that'll truly kill me slowly.


So I move along and continue my journey, knowing that in my attempt at attaining this gem of stability, I have to first find the zen within me.

Making it up in 2010

I can't believe it's 2010. And already half of it is almost over. Where did time go? I've been keeping myself so chockful of activities that some just got the impression that I am one with too much time on her hands, aka not so busy at work. How else would I be able to take part in seemingly so many leisurely activities? To de-stress I said. In my line of work, it's difficult not to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Things are moving so fast, with so many rapid changes and sudden movements. It's not rare that we're put in a situation where fast decisions have to be made (not without their consequences). A big hat for a small girl to put on. That's why whenever I can, that is, when I'm not slogging my ass off or having to travel somewhere (again), I like to fill my time with things I enjoy; spending time with people whose company I appreciate. So I can be happy.

I guess in many ways I'm making it up for all this time I'm waiting around for something to happen. Wanting and planning to do so many things without actually getting around to doing them. 2009 passed by without me doing much. A lot of working, yes. But nothing much else. So I'm making it up in 2010.

Besides, I'm not dancing competitively now for the lack of a good partner. Having lost this automatically frees up most of my leisure time. It sucks. And I really miss dancing. But rather than moping around, I guess I have to find some kind of a substitute. But it's not easy, since there aren't many people who are as restless as me; who wants to do many things within a limited amount of time. What do I do? I just make do. When it can happen, I go for it, without planning much. Too much planning can sometimes lead to no action in the end. Either that or it can lead to a loss in the sense of surprise. The little bit of a bonus at the very end. Everything becomes too predictable, less exciting and so...Taurean.

Perhaps I am looking for something. What exactly that thing is, I'm not so sure. All I can do though is to wade through without expectations. Cos I won't know what I'm looking for, until the day I realise that I've stopped searching.