it's 16 minutes to the start of 2008 as i'm writing this. we are at home on the last minutes of 2007 having a quiet gathering. it's just like any other night, three sisters, each doing our own thing..but we are together. my visiting brother is the only restless one, pacing up and down, uncomfortable being confined in our home. oh well, neither of us feels like going out in this crowd..the sweat, the bumping around. ewww!
2007 has been a pretty interesting year for me, with lots of changes and unexpected events in various aspects of my life.
career
just not too long ago, i was still slogging away in my previous job, trying to learn as much as possible and get into the habit of being an OL (office lady). i was trying to find my focus and direction; trying to decide if that industry was the one i wanted to be in. then i realised that the job wasn't my calling (if you believe in that kind of stuff), and my mom took the opportunity to coax me back to the family business. it took me some time to think over, and on 15 may 2007, i finally left the company and officially went back to where i knew i couldn't run away from. it was just a matter of time. it's been about half a year now, and i am still learning the ropes. i guess my parents have been pretty supportive of me, giving me a lot of guidance and yet also room to grow. yet i know that 2008 is going to be a challenge for me. there will be more expectations, more shuttling between pku and sg, and more mental and emotional strength needed to juggle between work, family ties, and sensitive feelings all around. i'm apprehensive, yet also excited. can i deal with it?
(two minutes to countdown and i have to get ready for cake-cutting and birthday song singing for my little sis who was born on 1 january some 19 years back)
thirty minutes later and i'm back. where was i?
dance
upon my return from vancouver, i was resigned to the fate of having no suitable dance partner, and was intending on retiring from competitive dancesport, when i met a dance partner early this year. we danced together for 3 months, and then split due to as they say, "irreconcilable differences". i disappeared for a while, gained 4 pounds, before i received a call from my dance teacher telling me that she wanted me to dance with this dancer from australia. what luck! i was quite hesitant at first as i didn't know how committed i would have to be in the partnership and i wasn't sure if i was up to it. the first try-out was horrendous, but we managed to secure the partnership anyway. three months of training and we won first runner-up in the singapore closed category (latin grade A) at Lion City Dancesport Competition 2007. We got 7th place in the rising star category, missing the finals by a mere point and only managed to dance one round in the IDSF open category. three months later, we went to tokyo for our second competition and became the first singapore dance couple to ever make it into the semi-finals on the first try. we earned 10th position in the idsf open category. not too shabby but of course still a long way to go. but dancing is going pretty well, which is very encouraging considering the fact that i never thought i'd be so lucky as to be able to put so much into it at this point in my life. sometimes i am so happy i could cry.
my body
i was never really fat. only chubby at certain points of my life. but i was also never skinny. yet since september 2007 my weight and my size started going down, so much so that i could no longer fit into a lot of my pants, and people started telling me how much i've gone down, even though i honestly don't think i've lost THAT much weight. some people even suspected that i had an eating disorder since they feel that the change is way too drastic. all too dramatic. i like this change though. my clothes fit better and i look amazing in my dance costumes. i admit i get a little too obsessed over my abs. and on some days when i bloat or my abs can't be seen, i get a little crazy. but hey, that's vanity at work, not too bad a disorder is it.
dating
early this year i was a single girl. and i thought i'd be single for a while. yet, fate has it that i would meet a great guy; a shiny apple among the rotten ones (no i don't hate men), someone with whom i gladly share my days with. he's a career-minded chap who's constantly busy. but i don't mind, since i'm equally busy. we give each other space and when we are together, we cherish every single moment. while we don't see each other all the time, we talk everyday, about everything and anything. though we argue and get mad at each other, the anger hardly lasts a day. it's not perfect, but it's promising. and i'm happy.
my new year's resolutions
i'm not going to dwell too much on this topic since this can be a whole separate entry on its own. but what i wish to do in the coming year is to be able to focus more on the things i need to do; to be better able to prioritise and manage my time more effectively. we always find ourselves not being able to keep our new year's resolutions, so i'm not even going to try to shoot for the stars. just keep it real, keep it simple.
goodbye 2007.
hello 2008.
Pic of the Month
Monday, 31 December 2007
Saturday, 17 November 2007
and we think we have problems?
i was in Pekanbaru about two weeks ago, my supposed hometown which i barely knew, having left the place when i was a mere child. we were having breakfast at one of my parents' favourite noodle shop where i saw a young boy of about twelve or thirteen serving us noodles. he had one of the most pleasant and sincere smiles i have seen in a long time. and despite being bossed around by the more senior servers, he continued working with a slight skip, optimism shown on his innocent little face. that's one cute boy, i told my mom. as usual, my dad knew everyone in the shop. he asked one of the old-time servers about the young naughty boy who used to work in the shop and was told that he had gone off to set his own little shop. good lad! said my dad. i knew he had it in him. my dad always had a soft spot of young little rebels like that. sort of reminded him of his young self. i guess you sort of live vicariously through other boys like that when you have three daughters. anyway, back to the little boy. the server told us that this boy came from one of the villages at selat panjang, "one of the neighbouring boys" he said. mom said that it's common practice for children in those villages to start working at an early age, without much schooling. it's a tough life for them in there, said mom. and yet, when you look at him, there seems to be little grudge or pain written on his face, unlike us city folks who moan and groan about our hard day's at work or that bitchy boss or colleague or client we have to face. come on. who has got a bigger problem? at least we've all had our education. our salaries are enough not only to sustain our basic needs, but also to satisfy our whims and fancies. and boys like him? they can barely make ends meet, and even have to send money back home for their parents and siblings. there are so many people like him, and they are closer to home than we think. so whenever i start moaning and groaning about the problems i have, i look back and think of that boy, and in an instant, my apparent problems become miniscule, and i start reminding myself again of how blessed and lucky i am.
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
great expectations
my dance partner asked me rhetorically yesterday, "why do you think our coaches pick on us all the time? there are far worst dancers, why do they pick on us?" then he said, "because they like us, and they believe we can make it." he said this with a satisfied smile on his face, convinced that he is right. what he said got me thinking about the situation i am in now. even as a child, i feel the expectations people have of me. parents, teachers, coaches...they all seem to think i will be a somebody. expectations can be good. they usually give one positive pressure to move forward and to improve oneself. but what if these expectations are too great to bear? they can be subtle and insidious, but the pressure is still there. my parents for instance, think that i can be one of the successful 'second generation' in expanding the family business. i'm flattered. but because of that, i feel the constant need to prove myself. and it's quite stressful really, as it means compromising other aspects of my life that's equally important to me...like dance for instance. it's not that i can't devote my time into dancing. but i do feel a little guilty when i spend my time on it, as if this time could instead be put into my work. i guess a lot of the pressure is self-imposed. but i can't help it, as i can see the envy in my parents' faces when they talk about the successful second generation of their business associates and all that. anyway, is it because they love me the most that they nag at me the most? is it because they truly think that i'm the best manifestation of their mix of good genes? can i live up to these great expectations? i guess i can only do my best and que sera sera.
Thursday, 4 October 2007
introspective or inefficient?
as i grow older and enter new phases in my life, i have come to accept my introspective nature. i am a person who tends to analyse (and sometimes overanalyse) a person, a situation, a feeling, an emotion, and everything that comes my way. while there were times in my life (school days for example) when i tried to be the warrior who's single-minded, solidly pursuing the 'correct' and realistic goals in life, time and events often prove that i am just not made to be those who fit in those moulds.
some may deem it a weakness or a self-inflicted pain on oneself. after all, what's the point of just thinking about everything when all these 'useless' thoughts sometimes interfere with what could have been done to make one's life more productive?maybe this is what we call the smart man's sorrow. or perhaps we can explain it via mazlow's hierarchy of needs:
Physiological Needs
Safety Needs
Social Needs
Esteem Needs
Self-Realization needs
having satisfied the most basic needs, an awful lot of time is spent trying to achieve other needs. the problem lies in the fact that these are little aspects of each category that cannot be fulfilled. for instance, while one may know a fair number of people and can technically be proud of having enough social connections and support, there are very few candidates within this category who may end up being ones who can consistent source of emotional support. unfortunately, one tends to put (almost) all our eggs in one basket. meaning to say that we may invest way too much time and energy on one or a few individuals instead of spreading our love. while this is not absolutely wrong, it puts us in a pretty vulnerable position of risking losing our support system completely should the initial source of support fail us.
when i face problems as such, i tend to logically analyse the issue and try to see if i can salvage the situation, in order to help myself. but it's almost a classic scenario of paralysis by analysis. with so much thinking and analysing the situation at hand, one loses focus of what needs to be done and what's realistically ahead of us - real world problems that need to be solved and specific matters at hand that need to be tackled. so then i suppose the right thing to do is to shift our focus back to reality and deal with concrete matters at hand. so if you're a worker, do your job; if you're a student, study. but once we do this, it's like throwing a towel over your head and refusing to see the real problem that comes from deep inside. masking one's introspective self in return for greater efficiency - is it worth it? in this life, what exactly are we searching for?
when one is a student, life is pretty simple. we have one focus - to study. there's a goal to work for, and a path to take. and as a student, we long for the freedom to finally decide on what we want out of life, once this 'duty' as a student is completed. but as we get out of that position, we are thrown in a sea of infinite possibilities which confuses the hell out of us, especially when we are not even sure what is it that we want from life. it seems easy to just declare that you want to be happy. so whatever you do, it should make you happy. but sometimes it doesn't work this way. as much as you are in control of your own destiny and your actions, one does not exist alone in society and in this world. we, as an individual, is just a minute creation amidst the world's wonders. so many things are beyond our control. and many a time, it is precisely these things beyond our control that are hampering our constant search for happiness.
we live our lives as people living amongst other people. we seek recognition, acceptance and determine our self-worth from people's appreciation of what we do and what we're capable of. it's never good enough to just be happy about what you do. for real appraisal doesn't come from the one to oneself. yet, when happiness can only be derived from other people's appraisal of you, you will never be happy. for no one is responsible for, or obliged to help you deal with your issues.
the lola who's introspective often turns into the lola who's unproductive. lola needs to take charge and move forward.
some may deem it a weakness or a self-inflicted pain on oneself. after all, what's the point of just thinking about everything when all these 'useless' thoughts sometimes interfere with what could have been done to make one's life more productive?maybe this is what we call the smart man's sorrow. or perhaps we can explain it via mazlow's hierarchy of needs:
Physiological Needs
Safety Needs
Social Needs
Esteem Needs
Self-Realization needs
having satisfied the most basic needs, an awful lot of time is spent trying to achieve other needs. the problem lies in the fact that these are little aspects of each category that cannot be fulfilled. for instance, while one may know a fair number of people and can technically be proud of having enough social connections and support, there are very few candidates within this category who may end up being ones who can consistent source of emotional support. unfortunately, one tends to put (almost) all our eggs in one basket. meaning to say that we may invest way too much time and energy on one or a few individuals instead of spreading our love. while this is not absolutely wrong, it puts us in a pretty vulnerable position of risking losing our support system completely should the initial source of support fail us.
when i face problems as such, i tend to logically analyse the issue and try to see if i can salvage the situation, in order to help myself. but it's almost a classic scenario of paralysis by analysis. with so much thinking and analysing the situation at hand, one loses focus of what needs to be done and what's realistically ahead of us - real world problems that need to be solved and specific matters at hand that need to be tackled. so then i suppose the right thing to do is to shift our focus back to reality and deal with concrete matters at hand. so if you're a worker, do your job; if you're a student, study. but once we do this, it's like throwing a towel over your head and refusing to see the real problem that comes from deep inside. masking one's introspective self in return for greater efficiency - is it worth it? in this life, what exactly are we searching for?
when one is a student, life is pretty simple. we have one focus - to study. there's a goal to work for, and a path to take. and as a student, we long for the freedom to finally decide on what we want out of life, once this 'duty' as a student is completed. but as we get out of that position, we are thrown in a sea of infinite possibilities which confuses the hell out of us, especially when we are not even sure what is it that we want from life. it seems easy to just declare that you want to be happy. so whatever you do, it should make you happy. but sometimes it doesn't work this way. as much as you are in control of your own destiny and your actions, one does not exist alone in society and in this world. we, as an individual, is just a minute creation amidst the world's wonders. so many things are beyond our control. and many a time, it is precisely these things beyond our control that are hampering our constant search for happiness.
we live our lives as people living amongst other people. we seek recognition, acceptance and determine our self-worth from people's appreciation of what we do and what we're capable of. it's never good enough to just be happy about what you do. for real appraisal doesn't come from the one to oneself. yet, when happiness can only be derived from other people's appraisal of you, you will never be happy. for no one is responsible for, or obliged to help you deal with your issues.
the lola who's introspective often turns into the lola who's unproductive. lola needs to take charge and move forward.
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
the dating game
the world of dating has evolved quite remarkably these days, such that it has become rather difficult to 'catch up' unless you're a regular or seasoned dater. as we get busier, more efficient, and less patient, we've come to develop a new expectation of dating - that dating has to be as efficient as everything else in our lives. meaning we try too hard to get to know someone too fast, so we can quickly gather as much information about them within the shortest period of time, after which we can quickly come to a conclusion as to whether or not this fellow is the one we're looking for in a mate. it's almost like playing a volatile stock. we invest the least time possible, while trying to gain as much (knowledge) about this stock. then once we've 'acquired' this stock, we then try to decide whether or not it's worth our while to pump in more money, or in this case, other intangibles such as time and love. while this seems like a pretty good screening strategy in our constant search for the most suitable mate, we often don't realise the important steps we're missing out in the process of dating. let's put it this way, if we decide on the person based on his qualities that we've spotted in the brief period of mutual interaction, that leaves us little room to develop unexplainable feelings for the person - the mysterious process of 'falling in love'. also, going into a relationship, expecting the person to be what we initially think of him as, is a slow but sure route to killing the relationship in the end, for this leaves no room for compromise. say the guy fails to live up to our initial expectation, will we then deem him an unsuitable candidate? for when a relationship develops out of logical analysis of the couple's compability, there's no reason for one party to condone the other for his flaws. but when you allow yourself to first develop the feelings, then analyse the compability, then there's a reason to tell yourself, "ah i can take his shit, cos i love him." i'm not advocating for the blind taking of your partner's abuse in any way. what i'm saying however, is that in an ideal situation, there should be time allocated for two people to really fall in love. and even within an established relationship, there should be many leeways for compromise and excuses. so even if either party has lost all his brownie points for one reason or another, he would be given many more by his mate, unconditionally. he shouldn't have to be subjected to the danger of being declared an ex just for failing to live up to his expectations. invest a bit more time, and a seemingly short-lived, volatile bond might prove to be a profitable long term unit trust. passion is frivilous, but real love lasts for a long time.
Monday, 24 September 2007
the downs of loving
We are facing a crisis. I won't deny that. Even though we are apparently okay and still talking normally, there's already an unspoken strain in our relationship that has brought us to a point where there's a very thin thread holding us together. And this thread may snap at any moment. All it needs is a catalyst. We are officially on a break. A break away from each other where we don't see each other, as if we are not apart enough. Well he said he needed space; some "breathing space" in his own words.
I guess it's still impossible for him to share everything with me, his ups and downs. He's still very much an independent individual who likes to be emotional independent. I do understand where he's coming from though. It's always much easier to be emotionally independent, for you prevent yourself from being vulnerable and you prevent yourself from getting hurt in any way. I guess I'm a weakling in this manner. When I love someone, I literally throw my whole being into the relationship, becoming emotionally dependent on my source of support, my real pillar of strength. And him, being there for me, has to take my shit. And I will do the same. But this is not the case of us. He's just not up for it. I don't know if he'll ever be. I've always known that he has a lot of things in his mind and his life that he's unwilling to share with me. I'm not sure why though. Is he afraid that I may look at him differently if those aspects of his life are revealed to me? Is he worried that by me knowing so much, should we cease to be together, I will have a lot of things I can hold against him? He just can't trust. Not me, not anyone. And whenever I bring this up he just gets mad and tries to avoid the whole issue. It's a problem, and I can totally see it getting worse. It's just too bad that I really fell in love with this guy. So I have to accept this whole shit and try to make it work. I'm not sure if I can, and I'm not sure what I can really do to make it work. But really, I've laid down my cards and thrown the ball back at his court. I told him that I love him, I care about him, and respect him. I'm proud of him and will support him in whatever he chooses to do, even though I may not like what he eventually chooses to do. And now he's the one who's unsure. He's unsure if he really loves me. He's unsure that he wants to be in this relationship. And he can't even tell me that he loves me, or misses me, or cares about me. All he can say is, "give me time. don't force me." If I really want to be angry, I can. But I won't. For it's not going to make things any better. I'll give him the space he wants. Although I can see that he's distancing himself away from me. And I have this feeling that we will eventually be apart. I'll be sad, for sure. But I'll survive. Like I always have.
I guess it's still impossible for him to share everything with me, his ups and downs. He's still very much an independent individual who likes to be emotional independent. I do understand where he's coming from though. It's always much easier to be emotionally independent, for you prevent yourself from being vulnerable and you prevent yourself from getting hurt in any way. I guess I'm a weakling in this manner. When I love someone, I literally throw my whole being into the relationship, becoming emotionally dependent on my source of support, my real pillar of strength. And him, being there for me, has to take my shit. And I will do the same. But this is not the case of us. He's just not up for it. I don't know if he'll ever be. I've always known that he has a lot of things in his mind and his life that he's unwilling to share with me. I'm not sure why though. Is he afraid that I may look at him differently if those aspects of his life are revealed to me? Is he worried that by me knowing so much, should we cease to be together, I will have a lot of things I can hold against him? He just can't trust. Not me, not anyone. And whenever I bring this up he just gets mad and tries to avoid the whole issue. It's a problem, and I can totally see it getting worse. It's just too bad that I really fell in love with this guy. So I have to accept this whole shit and try to make it work. I'm not sure if I can, and I'm not sure what I can really do to make it work. But really, I've laid down my cards and thrown the ball back at his court. I told him that I love him, I care about him, and respect him. I'm proud of him and will support him in whatever he chooses to do, even though I may not like what he eventually chooses to do. And now he's the one who's unsure. He's unsure if he really loves me. He's unsure that he wants to be in this relationship. And he can't even tell me that he loves me, or misses me, or cares about me. All he can say is, "give me time. don't force me." If I really want to be angry, I can. But I won't. For it's not going to make things any better. I'll give him the space he wants. Although I can see that he's distancing himself away from me. And I have this feeling that we will eventually be apart. I'll be sad, for sure. But I'll survive. Like I always have.
Saturday, 15 September 2007
all i wanna do is find a way back into love
just finished watching "music and lyrics" - finally. and as usual, it's one of those feel-good movies that make you feel all "ohhhhhh" nice and woozy after. but hey i'm a sucker so i shall keep my mouth shut. but truly, if you think about it, no matter how much one apparently rejects this whole lovey dovey notions of romantic love, slamming soppy love songs by boybands and the like, i believe that everyone wants a piece of it deep down inside. no one wants to admit to enjoying watching TITANIC, or liking james blunt's "you're beautiful", yet everyone is constantly seeking for that special someone that can awaken the special feelings they have inside. the whole butterflies in stomach, constant rush of adrenaline and happy hormones drama.
the best memories in a relationship occurs during the courtship stage, where both parties are still trying to get to know each other; when three-hour phonecalls and continous sms-es back and forth are their staple diets. sure, couples may talk about how their growing together in the relationship is the ingredient that makes their relationship stronger and better. but think about it, who doesn't want to go back to the time when disagreements hardly surface because both are too consumed by the notions of love and passion to disagree? i'm not saying that we should all have all these skeletons in our closets and suppress all disagreements in a bid to maintain a superficially harmonious relationship. but really, when the going gets tough in a relationship, it's sometimes the best memories we have in the beginning that reminds us how precious the other party is to us, and how much we'd rather minimise the bad times and maximise the good times. but i digress.
so what exactly is love? it's easy saying i love you over and over again, but truly, what does loving mean? my mom once told me that love is the yardstick to measure how much shit you can take from your other half. that is to say, even if your other half annoys you to hell, if there is love, you will find some way and space and moments in your heart to forgive and tolerate him. and this is not once or twice, but over time.
hence when you say "i love you" to someone, it's reflective of your feelings towards him at this particular moment. but unknowingly, you are also laying down a promise of tolerance and acceptance of his flaws and giving out advance forgiveness and apologies you will extend upon future disagreements. unless of course, you'd rather say something like, "i love you now" or "i love you at this moment in time". but we're getting a little too technical here.
my intention is to get away from just the notion of love, so i can find the real meaning of love, to my interpretation. poetry and romance are bonuses, icing on the cake, but it's the ingredients that matter. and life is a continuous journey in search of that perfect interpretation, though active searching is equivalent to shooting yourself in the foot. for it will find you, when the time comes.
the best memories in a relationship occurs during the courtship stage, where both parties are still trying to get to know each other; when three-hour phonecalls and continous sms-es back and forth are their staple diets. sure, couples may talk about how their growing together in the relationship is the ingredient that makes their relationship stronger and better. but think about it, who doesn't want to go back to the time when disagreements hardly surface because both are too consumed by the notions of love and passion to disagree? i'm not saying that we should all have all these skeletons in our closets and suppress all disagreements in a bid to maintain a superficially harmonious relationship. but really, when the going gets tough in a relationship, it's sometimes the best memories we have in the beginning that reminds us how precious the other party is to us, and how much we'd rather minimise the bad times and maximise the good times. but i digress.
so what exactly is love? it's easy saying i love you over and over again, but truly, what does loving mean? my mom once told me that love is the yardstick to measure how much shit you can take from your other half. that is to say, even if your other half annoys you to hell, if there is love, you will find some way and space and moments in your heart to forgive and tolerate him. and this is not once or twice, but over time.
hence when you say "i love you" to someone, it's reflective of your feelings towards him at this particular moment. but unknowingly, you are also laying down a promise of tolerance and acceptance of his flaws and giving out advance forgiveness and apologies you will extend upon future disagreements. unless of course, you'd rather say something like, "i love you now" or "i love you at this moment in time". but we're getting a little too technical here.
my intention is to get away from just the notion of love, so i can find the real meaning of love, to my interpretation. poetry and romance are bonuses, icing on the cake, but it's the ingredients that matter. and life is a continuous journey in search of that perfect interpretation, though active searching is equivalent to shooting yourself in the foot. for it will find you, when the time comes.
Friday, 14 September 2007
dancing lola
this is a new start. same girl, same life, new stories, and a new openness and willingness to share my stories with whomever cares to read. (in this blogging world, reading substitues listening).
why dancing lola? well, for those who've known me for some time knows that i've always loved the song copacabana, and will sing enthusiastically to the verses "her name is lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there." it's such a happy, cabaret-style song about a showgirl, and yet the story tells of such a tragic end -
Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl
But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it's a disco, but not for Lola
Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair
She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her Tony
Now she's lost her mind!
how tragic, but how beautiful.
then there's this other song which is pretty much my favourite cha cha cha song - whatever lola wants, lola gets, which speaks of the wilful side of me.
Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets
And little man, little Lola wants you
Make up your mind to have no regrets
Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through
I always get what I aim for
And your heart'n soul is what I came for
such a little bitch! but i like that.
i take on lola's persona, for lola is who i want to be in my dancing. the morphing of a confident little bitch who knows exactly what she wants and knows when and how to get it, and the fancy little showgirl (aside from the part where she lost her mind), who lives her life loving and performing; true to her emotions all the way to the end.
and so i am lola.
why dancing lola? well, for those who've known me for some time knows that i've always loved the song copacabana, and will sing enthusiastically to the verses "her name is lola, she was a showgirl, with yellow feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there." it's such a happy, cabaret-style song about a showgirl, and yet the story tells of such a tragic end -
Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl
But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it's a disco, but not for Lola
Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair
She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her Tony
Now she's lost her mind!
how tragic, but how beautiful.
then there's this other song which is pretty much my favourite cha cha cha song - whatever lola wants, lola gets, which speaks of the wilful side of me.
Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets
And little man, little Lola wants you
Make up your mind to have no regrets
Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through
I always get what I aim for
And your heart'n soul is what I came for
such a little bitch! but i like that.
i take on lola's persona, for lola is who i want to be in my dancing. the morphing of a confident little bitch who knows exactly what she wants and knows when and how to get it, and the fancy little showgirl (aside from the part where she lost her mind), who lives her life loving and performing; true to her emotions all the way to the end.
and so i am lola.
i have moved
Guess I've been wanting to change my blog since sometime back, for very practical reasons of being able to share my blog more openly with my friends. For as you know, this blog is quite personal, and contains way too many stories of my past that I would rather not disclose or be reminded of. But my procastination never seems to fail me and I've managed to push the matter to the back of my head. And today I've finally made an actual action to realise my plan. So I'll move. There are heaps of stories about dancing and training, and work, and travelling that I like to share with my friends, and I will, once this new blog is up. Right now, it's all under construction. But I'm glad. It's kind of like a new start for me. Still the same old joy joy, but a better one.
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
it takes work
I haven't been here for a while now, having just been able to make up all kinds of excuses not to blog. And it's not to difficult to realise that it's only when I face issues regarding affairs of the heart will I make any sort of appearance here. It's 1. to clear my head 2. to unleash my frustrations through the most harmless way possible 3. to express the emotions I may not be able to vocalise via other means.
Recently discovered certain things that bothered me. It may not be something major per se, but like I said so many times, it's not the content, but the implication that is the problem. I thought it has been sorted out, and that the incident will help us move forward. Little did I know that it did just the opposite. Not only did it not enhance what we have, instead, it ruins the budding flower that was growing so well, and looking so promising. It's almost like one of my favourite old songs - layu sebelum berkembang. My best friend told me that it's often the case that something that's meant to be yours for a long time, if not forever, will be one that's going to give you the most problems. It's only if you could overcome all these obstacles, that you will reap the sweet fruits later on in your life, and your lives. I guess this is a romantic rendition of all the greatest love stories, but will it end in tragedy? How tiring is this.
I feel that this is one of those things that will make or break us. Will we get through this?
Recently discovered certain things that bothered me. It may not be something major per se, but like I said so many times, it's not the content, but the implication that is the problem. I thought it has been sorted out, and that the incident will help us move forward. Little did I know that it did just the opposite. Not only did it not enhance what we have, instead, it ruins the budding flower that was growing so well, and looking so promising. It's almost like one of my favourite old songs - layu sebelum berkembang. My best friend told me that it's often the case that something that's meant to be yours for a long time, if not forever, will be one that's going to give you the most problems. It's only if you could overcome all these obstacles, that you will reap the sweet fruits later on in your life, and your lives. I guess this is a romantic rendition of all the greatest love stories, but will it end in tragedy? How tiring is this.
I feel that this is one of those things that will make or break us. Will we get through this?
Monday, 20 August 2007
too much guilt
I'm a person who lives her life plagued by guilt that's a product of past failures; failures and disappointments caused to myself and others I care about. The failure to live up to my father's expectations of me, and my expectations of myself. The failure to make the people I care about happy, and proud of me. They say I have it all. And apparently I do. I should be happy and I should be satisfied. Yet there are so many things I blame myself for. For failing to achieve the best I think I can be. For failing to make my father proud of me. It's beyond stressful. And the worst thing being the fact that the stress is almost entirely self-imposed. I just feel as if I don't have the capacity to be someone great, or to do something great, contrary to what everyone says of me. They say I am talented in many aspects. Yet more often than not, I feel like a jill of all trades who can never be a master of anything. No matter how hard I try. Maybe it IS my mental block as what someone says of me. I need to be strong and move on. Get up when I fall. And just do the best I can, no matter how difficult things are and how many challenges I will face. I need to go on. If I believe. And most of all, I need to stop feeling the guilt. The guilt I have for being a bad owner to my 9 chihuahuas who ended up being given away, the guilt I have for giving Chu Chu away (those tears in her eyes), the guilt I have for not being able to be the best daughter I can be according to my dad's standards, the guilt I have for not being the talented dancer I want to be...everything. I need to throw away this guilt. Away from me.
Thursday, 9 August 2007
sleepless
It's 4:04am and I'm not sleeping. It's one of those nights when melancholy strikes and no matter how hard you try, you just can't shake off that dramatic emo shit.
Been listening to this song over and over again.
“Cinta Pertama” [Sunny] - Bunga Citra Lestari
Sunny sunny
Jantungku berdebar tiap kuingat padamu
Sunny Sunny
Mengapa ada yang kurang saat kau tak ada
Sunny Sunny
Melihatmu menyentuhmu itu yang kumau
Kau tak sempat tanyakan aku
Cintakah aku padamu
Tiap kali aku berlutut aku berdoa
Suatu saat kau bisa cinta padaku
Tiap kali aku memanggil di dalam hati
Mana Sunny mana Sunnyku mana Sunnyku
Sunny Sunny
Apa kabarmu kabarku baik baik saja
Sunny Sunny
Begitu banyak cerita tak habis tentangmu
Sunny Sunny
Salamku untukmu dari hati yang terdalam
Kau tak sempat tanyakan aku
Cintakah aku padamu
Tiap kali aku berlutut aku berdoa
Suatu saat kau bisa cinta padaku
Tiap kali aku memanggil di dalam hati
Mana Sunny mana Sunnyku mana Sunnyku
There you go, the obsessive part of me, when I just can't get enough of something.
Been listening to this song over and over again.
“Cinta Pertama” [Sunny] - Bunga Citra Lestari
Sunny sunny
Jantungku berdebar tiap kuingat padamu
Sunny Sunny
Mengapa ada yang kurang saat kau tak ada
Sunny Sunny
Melihatmu menyentuhmu itu yang kumau
Kau tak sempat tanyakan aku
Cintakah aku padamu
Tiap kali aku berlutut aku berdoa
Suatu saat kau bisa cinta padaku
Tiap kali aku memanggil di dalam hati
Mana Sunny mana Sunnyku mana Sunnyku
Sunny Sunny
Apa kabarmu kabarku baik baik saja
Sunny Sunny
Begitu banyak cerita tak habis tentangmu
Sunny Sunny
Salamku untukmu dari hati yang terdalam
Kau tak sempat tanyakan aku
Cintakah aku padamu
Tiap kali aku berlutut aku berdoa
Suatu saat kau bisa cinta padaku
Tiap kali aku memanggil di dalam hati
Mana Sunny mana Sunnyku mana Sunnyku
There you go, the obsessive part of me, when I just can't get enough of something.
add bdd and ocd that is me
I have symptoms of add, bdd, and ocd.
ADD: Can't seem to concentrate long enough on something. Some people call it the lack of focus, others tell me I want to do way too many things, beyond the time and capacity I have. I term it greediness. I'm so greedy for life that I want to do as many things that I love as often as I want. The only problem is: there are too many things I love. Fickle and greedy. Maybe that's just the person that I am. So while I'm doing one thing, my mind's already planning the next activity I will be doing. All holds true except when it comes to dancing. Can't deceive myself, it's in my blood.
BDD: This is what Dave and Arthur have said about me - that I'm way too obsessive about the state of my body. Correction, the shape of my body. In my pursuit for perfection in just about everything else, I do the same to my body. Except I don't starve myself. I can't. I just can't do it. Fuck, I can't even stop eating my favourite junk food! Yet, when it comes to exercising, I would go all the way, even when it means overworking my body beyond its capacity. Horrible. And yet never satisfied.
OCD: When I've established a certain pattern, the pattern must not be broken. Doesn't matter what it is. It can be the way I staple my documents, the way I stack my papers, the way I fold my panties, or the direction my plate has to face me when eating...I just have to follow the same patterns. Lest I go crazy.
I love myself and I love life. But there are just times when I hate myself, and wish I could do certain things differently. I push myself so hard to fulfill various expectations I can never hope to fulfill. And I stress myself sometimes to the point of breakdown. And then I get emotional, and then I hate myself even more for being so emotional. I don't like being vulnerable. It's like having this freaking massive time bomb deep within you that you know no one else can deactivate.
Norm always tells me to loosen up and chill out. And the ironic thing is, I am actually a pretty laid back person in general. Yet when it comes to achievement-oriented things, I go all crazy on myself. Why is that? Why is that? It's so tiring.
I remember when I was young, I used to just go to bed whenever I face a problem or feel depressed. And after a good sleep, I would usually feel better. Yet nothing's solved. It's just my way of avoiding the situation. I don't want to be an escapist, for it's a cowardly act. I'm no coward. But I have to learn to be stronger, mentally stronger. Then I'll be more able to face whatever comes my way, and handle problems like I should. And most importantly, I need to get over myself. My own narcissism, and self-centred ways.
While I can always blame it on my add bdd and ocd, it's time to take responsibility over my own actions.
ADD: Can't seem to concentrate long enough on something. Some people call it the lack of focus, others tell me I want to do way too many things, beyond the time and capacity I have. I term it greediness. I'm so greedy for life that I want to do as many things that I love as often as I want. The only problem is: there are too many things I love. Fickle and greedy. Maybe that's just the person that I am. So while I'm doing one thing, my mind's already planning the next activity I will be doing. All holds true except when it comes to dancing. Can't deceive myself, it's in my blood.
BDD: This is what Dave and Arthur have said about me - that I'm way too obsessive about the state of my body. Correction, the shape of my body. In my pursuit for perfection in just about everything else, I do the same to my body. Except I don't starve myself. I can't. I just can't do it. Fuck, I can't even stop eating my favourite junk food! Yet, when it comes to exercising, I would go all the way, even when it means overworking my body beyond its capacity. Horrible. And yet never satisfied.
OCD: When I've established a certain pattern, the pattern must not be broken. Doesn't matter what it is. It can be the way I staple my documents, the way I stack my papers, the way I fold my panties, or the direction my plate has to face me when eating...I just have to follow the same patterns. Lest I go crazy.
I love myself and I love life. But there are just times when I hate myself, and wish I could do certain things differently. I push myself so hard to fulfill various expectations I can never hope to fulfill. And I stress myself sometimes to the point of breakdown. And then I get emotional, and then I hate myself even more for being so emotional. I don't like being vulnerable. It's like having this freaking massive time bomb deep within you that you know no one else can deactivate.
Norm always tells me to loosen up and chill out. And the ironic thing is, I am actually a pretty laid back person in general. Yet when it comes to achievement-oriented things, I go all crazy on myself. Why is that? Why is that? It's so tiring.
I remember when I was young, I used to just go to bed whenever I face a problem or feel depressed. And after a good sleep, I would usually feel better. Yet nothing's solved. It's just my way of avoiding the situation. I don't want to be an escapist, for it's a cowardly act. I'm no coward. But I have to learn to be stronger, mentally stronger. Then I'll be more able to face whatever comes my way, and handle problems like I should. And most importantly, I need to get over myself. My own narcissism, and self-centred ways.
While I can always blame it on my add bdd and ocd, it's time to take responsibility over my own actions.
Sunday, 22 July 2007
华语可以嗎？
宊然有點想用华文写，虽然是有點麻煩。最近我与㈠个曾今对我来说是个非常重要的人又䒴了點接触，给了我㈠些感触。很久沒有近距离，好似已把以前所有事忘了。但其实并非如此。虽不是象以前那种感覚，但足以譲我明白曾经蠋成的伤痛的确相当堔。也许那可說是我感情路線里的轉捩點，对我过后的人生多少有點影响。自少淸䠂自己要和需要的是什么。当然难免有回忆，也想粸宊然有點想用华文写，虽然是有點麻煩。最近我与㈠个曾今对我来说是个非常重要的人又䒴了點接触，给了我㈠些感触。很久沒有近距离，好似已把以前所有事忘了。但其实并非如此。虽不是象以前那种感覚，但足以譲我明白曾经蠋成的伤痛的确相当堔。也许那可說是我感情路線里的轉捩點，对我过后的人生多少有點影响。自少淸䠂自己要和需要的是什么。当然难免有回忆，也想起从前很多事，从前那种莫明奇妙的感覚。。。但往事也只是过去，想了也就算了。惑許人，身为感情的动物，总是最记得令他最痛苦的事。想了之后，虽然痛中有點甜之味，但也譲人更珍惜眼前拥有的。
Saturday, 21 July 2007
2007 2007
Okay so I cheated a little, it's already 21 July, not 2007 2007 anymore. But for the record, the intention was to blog on this day, just didn't get a chance to do it. It has been one of the busiest day ever. Spent too much time on the post-accident paperwork, while making sure the adults in the family didn't and wouldn't get to know about it. It's tough work and a huge pain in the ass. Then went for the friendly basketball thing in the early evening. Wasn't much of a game but I guess it's a pretty good workout. Followed by Yisi's birthday party at Butter - even though I was already tired. She's one of my best friends though so I must go. Besides, she's easily wasted and I want to make sure she's okay. Now this partying wasn't all that fun. But the fun part was getting reacquainted to my old basketball mates with whom I wasn't and am not very close to. But being around them, and chatting cordially with some of them made me feel pretty good - like I was back in my early Secondary school years when we were still good friends and great teammates...I'm sure we won't be keeping in touch, but at least the next time we see one another, it won't be as awkward...One of my greatest regret of the night was saying hi to Mark Zee and speaking to him (I got to know him during the basketball game). In my opinion, he's one of the biggest poseurs I know, and I'm not a fan at all. But I still spoke to him and said bye because I'm such a nice person. Bullshit. Now this I regret. Anyway, more to be said but as it is my mom is nagging me to go to bed as I have to be up in 3 hours for my golf game. Goodnight now...
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
the secret phuket getaway
Alas, we've just returned from our 4-day-3-nights' trip to Phuket. It's been quite a challenge to plan this trip, since I've had to do it ala secret agent zaza (arthur will know this), telling everyone else that i'm actually heading to bangkok, reason being that we are not allowed to travel together (yet). Yes, so I have conservative parents, what to do? Anyway, thanks to my immaculate planning (perasaan), we managed to not only travel within budget, but also experience the best of Phuket. And norm, being his navigator I'm-from-the-army self, prided himself on knowing the roads and travelling routes from Patong to Kamala, by the end of the third day.
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thursday, 5 July 2007
We arrived at Phuket International Airport on the early hours of the morning, together with other beach-seekers clad in mismatched tanks and bottoms and lazy slippers. I on the other hand, had made sure I looked completely matching yet relaxed, and of course made up and refreshed. Yes yes, blame it on my vanity. I admit it. Our customs' queueing line had looked promising but damn it, must they be so thorough? After a painful waiting time with norm fidgeting so much that I was on the brink of insanity, we finally got down to getting our luggages and heading to our resort in a chartered taxi (500 baht).
I've always known that resorts tend to look way better in pictures than they actually are in reality. But I didn't expect the difference to be so great! On our way towards Kamala Beach where our resort was located, I saw a bunch of familiar-sounding resorts which I've considered while doing my research on phuket.com, which looked nothing like they did in the online pictures! Talk about online deception. I wonder if this is also a common technique used on online dating sites hehe. Keeping my fingers crossed, I held my breath as we approached the narrow street leading to Aquamarine and as the cabbie annouced that we have reached our destination, I was pleasantly relieved to find our resort okay - just a tad smaller than I expected, but otherwise, quite within my initial expectation. After our early check-in, and norm's insistence on our change of room from a lower to a higher floor (good call!), we finally settled in for a much needed rest. But it wasn't long after we settled in that he decided that the sun was calling for our attention. Weather was so great (read: blardy hot and sunny) that we just had to hit the swimming pool for a dip and a tan. Thanks to that 2 whole hours under the sun, I've successfully embarked on my tanning project in time for the dance competition in august.
The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent leisurely exploring the Patong area where the hustle and bustle takes place. It's a touristy place indeed, with permanent and makeshift stalls sprouting everywhere, each owner touting their wares to the passing tourists. And believe me, tourists STICK OUT. I was tempted to buy a t-shirt that shouted: "NO I DON'T WANT A FUCKIN' TUK TUK, SUIT, OR MASSAGE THANK YOU VERY MUCH." but changed my mind. All these impulse buys are usually the ones which end up at the back of my closet, adding on to my magic well of neverending clothes, no matter how intensely and frequently I spring clean my closet every month. Sad to say, we spen a whole lot of time in the JUNGCEYLON mall, since it's air-conditioned, and even bought our groceries from...CARREFOUR. Talk about wanting to live the Thai-way while in Thailand. But hey, whatever works okay, at least we had a good time.
Initially I really wanted to watch the authentic MUAY THAY kickboxing fight at the Bangla Boxing Stadium. But it was freakin' expensive (tourist price no less) that I changed my mind. Nevertheless, we were quite entertained by the advertising truck featuring the boxers faux-boxing on top of the open-top truck, while the commentator incessantly chanted, "Tonight, tonight. Bangla Stadium. Thai Boxing. Best of the best." (Ask norm for a comedic impersonation). We heard it so much, it was ringing in our heads. And of course norm found it extremely amusing to continuously annoy me with his repeatd impersonation of the commentator.
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friday, 6 July 2007
Woke up just in time for breakfast, which for me consisted of 2 croissants and coffee and tiny (I mean tiny) bits of dodgy-looking pad-thai/kway teow. For norm however, it was platefuls of bacon, bacon, and more bacon. Such a healthy runner I'm dating. Once again, we spent the day at the Patong area, honing my bargaining skills as we shopped around for cheap clothing. Norm got himself a beer-tank, while I got myself a flowy pants he liked, and a tank top for my glady. Nothing much to buy really, unless you're prepared to overspend on badly-made clothing you'll wear once - not because you're 'atas' but because it has gone out of shape upon a single wash. Spent the afternoon chilling at a coffee shop, having a leisurely late lunch and talking about nothing in particular.
While planning for our activity in the night time, I insisted that we check out FANTASEA - this popular theme park that received rave reviews from tourists and websites alike. It was the winner of some Thai tourism award and I was really keen on witnessing the supposedly LAS VEGAS calibre performance. Norm was hesitant and almost resistant. But of course I got my way. And boy, did we make the right choice to go! It was an excellent performance, combining cabaret, thai-style comedy, magic tricks, musical (singing and dancing), acting, and acrobatics. They also involved animals in the perfomances, with obedient elephants doing tricks (my favourite part was how they clung on one another's tail whenever they walked in a line or in a circle); chickens running across the stage (how the hell did they train them to do that?!), and sheep jumping over obstacles. There was also mock-fighting, well-rehearsed and frighteningly realistic, and the elaborate use of water feature, pyrotechnics, smoke machine, and a variety of other sound and visual effects. Too bad we all had to surrender our cameras so no picture could be taken *sob*! But I'm sure we'll remember this in time to come.
One regret we had was going to the FANTASEA site much later than we could have, such that we did not have enough time to visit all they had to offer. In addition to the performance, the place is an actual shopping bazaar where they showcase items characteristic of Thailand. One of the stores we spent a long time in was the magic photo shop where we could take pictures of ourselves as Thai prince and princesses. So we did!
Prince Norman - I told him that he really looked like a Sumatran prince ala Sang Nila Utama...except with braces.
Ain't I a pretty princess?! Ciaileeee perasaan gitu.
We had a fun time but were totally grossed out by the common powder puff and lipliner brush used on every face. Eeeyucks!
I scrubbed my face and lips raw at the end of the night.
It was a long night and we returned to the resort bushed but exhilarated. Just look at our closing picture - which also happens to be my favourite picture of us.
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saturday, 7 July 2007
Today is our trip to Phi Phi Island and the Maya Bay. We've signed up for this on the fly and had no idea what we were getting into. The day started with us being late for the pick-up time and greeted by a black-faced driver screaming at us for being 10 minutes later than the scheduled pick-up. Okay this was my fault. It turned out that we had to pick up a bunch of other people from the nearby and not-so-nearby resorts before we headed to the pier. Almost fainted on the journey in a cramped and stuffy minivan with a jerky driver. What a prick! When we finally arrived at the pier, we were subjected to a round of more waiting - for all the other vans to arrive so we may all be sorted into groups - lunch and no lunch this and that. A painful wait and two cans of overpriced coke later, we finally got onto the speedboat and set off towards our first stop of the day - Kai Island, which translated to "Egg Island" But just as we were embarking the boat, the sky, which was nice and blue just a moment before, suddenly darkened and it started to rain down really heavily on us. But the Thais were not about to let this small obstacle change their pre-arranged schedule. We went ahead on the trip anyway, rain and all. Fifteen minutes later, we arrived on the island, drenched and wondering what the hell we were expected to do in this heavy rain. So there we were, all tourists cramped up under a makeshift tentage, huddled like refugees, waiting for the rain to cease.
Still managed to pull a happy face after the rough ride.
Luckily the sun started coming out and we could proceed with the initial plan of snorkelling and feeding little hungry fishes with bread smelling so good I was tempted to eat them myself. Too bad we don't have any picture justifying our stay here as it was too cumbersome to take pictures, feed the fish, and stay warm all at the same time. But here's a look of the area we were in.
Once we were done feeding fishes and enjoying what little sun the rainy island could offer, we set off towards Phi Phi Don. This next ride proved to be the most challenging and devastating one. We had to endure constant rain and salt water splashing on our faces for the whole 50 minutes, while we were freezing with cold. And to top it all off, my poor beautiful, and expensive bag that had not expected to be subjected to such hazards, was ruined! *sobs* It was way too horrible. But we didn't complain and still managed to have a fun time upon reaching the island.
Norm the awak kapal - such a monkey!
We then proceeded to view the monkeys on Phi Phi Island - this was quite boring so I shan't elaborate, and then headed to Maya Bay. Here I must mention our fellow boat-riders, some of whom were pain in the asses. First of all, they couldn't stand the rocky boat ride, which was still okay. But they couldn't stop complaining about how horrible it was, and how terrible it was that the Thais did not know how to manage the awful situation. Then they were split on their decision on whether to continue the trip or to head back to Phuket. Come on guys, make up your minds! To top it off, this particular Ang-Mo-Pai chinese girl could not stop complaining all the way, even on our way back to the resort later on, while her Aussie boyfriend kept calm and clammed (henpecked) all this time. Poor guy. Such an annoying person! I took the opportunity to tell norm how fortunate he was that I am nothing like the girl. Ha!
Maya Bay was stunning! It wasn't a very big place, with the stretch of sandy beach being just a narrow strip of land facing the sea. But it was so clean, and pebble-free that all you could feel below your feet was the soft white sand and streaming gentle waves. It was a beautiful beautiful place and we took a short video to help us relive this memory in future.
So drama mama
My favourite pic of myself!
After another rocky ride home (one-hour), accompanied by crying teenage girls clad in life-jackets and complaining girl with the quiet boyfriend, we finally reached Phuket island, in one piece. I even managed to fall asleep on the boat despite the rough ride, imagine that. Ended the evening with Seafood dinner at Patong. Once again, we were completely exhausted. I had a horrible sleep that night, resulting in a backache that wouldn't stop bothering me *ouch*
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sunday, 8 July 2007
Our last day at Phuket, as we were scheduled for the evening flight on this date. Started the day with another leisurely breakfast. Yet more bacon for norm and more croissants for moi, after which we headed for our scheduled 2-hour Thai massage. If you ask me, this whole massage thing is absolutely overrated. Either that or my muscles are already numbed from excessive dancing, for I hardly felt anything after the massage AT ALL. Norm felt otherwise however, claiming that the massage did him good. Ah well, at least that makes one of us.
Packed all our luggage and left them at the concierge. Since we had lots of time left, we headed back to Patong AGAIN, to do some last minute shopping. Managed to finally buy the 2 tank tops I coveted, and Norm's jersey at a pretty good price YOOHOO! And again, spent the rest of the day walking through the small streets and the stretch of bars, and chilled out at Jungceylon with our drinks. Found this wonderful foodcourt beneath the mall where they served a variety of Thai delicacy at dirt-cheap prices. We had our fill of 2 entrees for norm, and one for me, and a dessert each, all for less than nine dollars. Norm was visibly excited - the deprived boy. So kesian. I must take him for more such meals when we go back to Indo next time. Finally it was time to head to the airport, accompanied by a small drizzle. 6 green dim sum and a cup of coffee later, we boarded the plane for home. And all this time norm kept chanting, "I don't want to go home. It's been so fun. I don't want to go home." Take that and multiply nby 2 hours, and you get the idea.
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People say that when a couple go on a trip together, they either come back stronger or split up soon after. We're lucky we are not the latter. Sure we got into several disagreements over the most menial matters while we were there. And there were times when we had this ominous, uncomfortable silences that prelude most quarrels. But we always managed to resolve them, and came back much stronger. Not just a fun trip, but also a test of whether we could co-exist in a common space, when we are made to be together 24/7. Can we, he asked. Looks promising, I said.
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thursday, 5 July 2007
We arrived at Phuket International Airport on the early hours of the morning, together with other beach-seekers clad in mismatched tanks and bottoms and lazy slippers. I on the other hand, had made sure I looked completely matching yet relaxed, and of course made up and refreshed. Yes yes, blame it on my vanity. I admit it. Our customs' queueing line had looked promising but damn it, must they be so thorough? After a painful waiting time with norm fidgeting so much that I was on the brink of insanity, we finally got down to getting our luggages and heading to our resort in a chartered taxi (500 baht).
I've always known that resorts tend to look way better in pictures than they actually are in reality. But I didn't expect the difference to be so great! On our way towards Kamala Beach where our resort was located, I saw a bunch of familiar-sounding resorts which I've considered while doing my research on phuket.com, which looked nothing like they did in the online pictures! Talk about online deception. I wonder if this is also a common technique used on online dating sites hehe. Keeping my fingers crossed, I held my breath as we approached the narrow street leading to Aquamarine and as the cabbie annouced that we have reached our destination, I was pleasantly relieved to find our resort okay - just a tad smaller than I expected, but otherwise, quite within my initial expectation. After our early check-in, and norm's insistence on our change of room from a lower to a higher floor (good call!), we finally settled in for a much needed rest. But it wasn't long after we settled in that he decided that the sun was calling for our attention. Weather was so great (read: blardy hot and sunny) that we just had to hit the swimming pool for a dip and a tan. Thanks to that 2 whole hours under the sun, I've successfully embarked on my tanning project in time for the dance competition in august.
The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent leisurely exploring the Patong area where the hustle and bustle takes place. It's a touristy place indeed, with permanent and makeshift stalls sprouting everywhere, each owner touting their wares to the passing tourists. And believe me, tourists STICK OUT. I was tempted to buy a t-shirt that shouted: "NO I DON'T WANT A FUCKIN' TUK TUK, SUIT, OR MASSAGE THANK YOU VERY MUCH." but changed my mind. All these impulse buys are usually the ones which end up at the back of my closet, adding on to my magic well of neverending clothes, no matter how intensely and frequently I spring clean my closet every month. Sad to say, we spen a whole lot of time in the JUNGCEYLON mall, since it's air-conditioned, and even bought our groceries from...CARREFOUR. Talk about wanting to live the Thai-way while in Thailand. But hey, whatever works okay, at least we had a good time.
Initially I really wanted to watch the authentic MUAY THAY kickboxing fight at the Bangla Boxing Stadium. But it was freakin' expensive (tourist price no less) that I changed my mind. Nevertheless, we were quite entertained by the advertising truck featuring the boxers faux-boxing on top of the open-top truck, while the commentator incessantly chanted, "Tonight, tonight. Bangla Stadium. Thai Boxing. Best of the best." (Ask norm for a comedic impersonation). We heard it so much, it was ringing in our heads. And of course norm found it extremely amusing to continuously annoy me with his repeatd impersonation of the commentator.
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friday, 6 July 2007
Woke up just in time for breakfast, which for me consisted of 2 croissants and coffee and tiny (I mean tiny) bits of dodgy-looking pad-thai/kway teow. For norm however, it was platefuls of bacon, bacon, and more bacon. Such a healthy runner I'm dating. Once again, we spent the day at the Patong area, honing my bargaining skills as we shopped around for cheap clothing. Norm got himself a beer-tank, while I got myself a flowy pants he liked, and a tank top for my glady. Nothing much to buy really, unless you're prepared to overspend on badly-made clothing you'll wear once - not because you're 'atas' but because it has gone out of shape upon a single wash. Spent the afternoon chilling at a coffee shop, having a leisurely late lunch and talking about nothing in particular.
While planning for our activity in the night time, I insisted that we check out FANTASEA - this popular theme park that received rave reviews from tourists and websites alike. It was the winner of some Thai tourism award and I was really keen on witnessing the supposedly LAS VEGAS calibre performance. Norm was hesitant and almost resistant. But of course I got my way. And boy, did we make the right choice to go! It was an excellent performance, combining cabaret, thai-style comedy, magic tricks, musical (singing and dancing), acting, and acrobatics. They also involved animals in the perfomances, with obedient elephants doing tricks (my favourite part was how they clung on one another's tail whenever they walked in a line or in a circle); chickens running across the stage (how the hell did they train them to do that?!), and sheep jumping over obstacles. There was also mock-fighting, well-rehearsed and frighteningly realistic, and the elaborate use of water feature, pyrotechnics, smoke machine, and a variety of other sound and visual effects. Too bad we all had to surrender our cameras so no picture could be taken *sob*! But I'm sure we'll remember this in time to come.
One regret we had was going to the FANTASEA site much later than we could have, such that we did not have enough time to visit all they had to offer. In addition to the performance, the place is an actual shopping bazaar where they showcase items characteristic of Thailand. One of the stores we spent a long time in was the magic photo shop where we could take pictures of ourselves as Thai prince and princesses. So we did!
Prince Norman - I told him that he really looked like a Sumatran prince ala Sang Nila Utama...except with braces.
Ain't I a pretty princess?! Ciaileeee perasaan gitu.
We had a fun time but were totally grossed out by the common powder puff and lipliner brush used on every face. Eeeyucks!
I scrubbed my face and lips raw at the end of the night.
It was a long night and we returned to the resort bushed but exhilarated. Just look at our closing picture - which also happens to be my favourite picture of us.
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saturday, 7 July 2007
Today is our trip to Phi Phi Island and the Maya Bay. We've signed up for this on the fly and had no idea what we were getting into. The day started with us being late for the pick-up time and greeted by a black-faced driver screaming at us for being 10 minutes later than the scheduled pick-up. Okay this was my fault. It turned out that we had to pick up a bunch of other people from the nearby and not-so-nearby resorts before we headed to the pier. Almost fainted on the journey in a cramped and stuffy minivan with a jerky driver. What a prick! When we finally arrived at the pier, we were subjected to a round of more waiting - for all the other vans to arrive so we may all be sorted into groups - lunch and no lunch this and that. A painful wait and two cans of overpriced coke later, we finally got onto the speedboat and set off towards our first stop of the day - Kai Island, which translated to "Egg Island" But just as we were embarking the boat, the sky, which was nice and blue just a moment before, suddenly darkened and it started to rain down really heavily on us. But the Thais were not about to let this small obstacle change their pre-arranged schedule. We went ahead on the trip anyway, rain and all. Fifteen minutes later, we arrived on the island, drenched and wondering what the hell we were expected to do in this heavy rain. So there we were, all tourists cramped up under a makeshift tentage, huddled like refugees, waiting for the rain to cease.
Still managed to pull a happy face after the rough ride.
Luckily the sun started coming out and we could proceed with the initial plan of snorkelling and feeding little hungry fishes with bread smelling so good I was tempted to eat them myself. Too bad we don't have any picture justifying our stay here as it was too cumbersome to take pictures, feed the fish, and stay warm all at the same time. But here's a look of the area we were in.
Once we were done feeding fishes and enjoying what little sun the rainy island could offer, we set off towards Phi Phi Don. This next ride proved to be the most challenging and devastating one. We had to endure constant rain and salt water splashing on our faces for the whole 50 minutes, while we were freezing with cold. And to top it all off, my poor beautiful, and expensive bag that had not expected to be subjected to such hazards, was ruined! *sobs* It was way too horrible. But we didn't complain and still managed to have a fun time upon reaching the island.
Norm the awak kapal - such a monkey!
We then proceeded to view the monkeys on Phi Phi Island - this was quite boring so I shan't elaborate, and then headed to Maya Bay. Here I must mention our fellow boat-riders, some of whom were pain in the asses. First of all, they couldn't stand the rocky boat ride, which was still okay. But they couldn't stop complaining about how horrible it was, and how terrible it was that the Thais did not know how to manage the awful situation. Then they were split on their decision on whether to continue the trip or to head back to Phuket. Come on guys, make up your minds! To top it off, this particular Ang-Mo-Pai chinese girl could not stop complaining all the way, even on our way back to the resort later on, while her Aussie boyfriend kept calm and clammed (henpecked) all this time. Poor guy. Such an annoying person! I took the opportunity to tell norm how fortunate he was that I am nothing like the girl. Ha!
Maya Bay was stunning! It wasn't a very big place, with the stretch of sandy beach being just a narrow strip of land facing the sea. But it was so clean, and pebble-free that all you could feel below your feet was the soft white sand and streaming gentle waves. It was a beautiful beautiful place and we took a short video to help us relive this memory in future.
So drama mama
My favourite pic of myself!
After another rocky ride home (one-hour), accompanied by crying teenage girls clad in life-jackets and complaining girl with the quiet boyfriend, we finally reached Phuket island, in one piece. I even managed to fall asleep on the boat despite the rough ride, imagine that. Ended the evening with Seafood dinner at Patong. Once again, we were completely exhausted. I had a horrible sleep that night, resulting in a backache that wouldn't stop bothering me *ouch*
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sunday, 8 July 2007
Our last day at Phuket, as we were scheduled for the evening flight on this date. Started the day with another leisurely breakfast. Yet more bacon for norm and more croissants for moi, after which we headed for our scheduled 2-hour Thai massage. If you ask me, this whole massage thing is absolutely overrated. Either that or my muscles are already numbed from excessive dancing, for I hardly felt anything after the massage AT ALL. Norm felt otherwise however, claiming that the massage did him good. Ah well, at least that makes one of us.
Packed all our luggage and left them at the concierge. Since we had lots of time left, we headed back to Patong AGAIN, to do some last minute shopping. Managed to finally buy the 2 tank tops I coveted, and Norm's jersey at a pretty good price YOOHOO! And again, spent the rest of the day walking through the small streets and the stretch of bars, and chilled out at Jungceylon with our drinks. Found this wonderful foodcourt beneath the mall where they served a variety of Thai delicacy at dirt-cheap prices. We had our fill of 2 entrees for norm, and one for me, and a dessert each, all for less than nine dollars. Norm was visibly excited - the deprived boy. So kesian. I must take him for more such meals when we go back to Indo next time. Finally it was time to head to the airport, accompanied by a small drizzle. 6 green dim sum and a cup of coffee later, we boarded the plane for home. And all this time norm kept chanting, "I don't want to go home. It's been so fun. I don't want to go home." Take that and multiply nby 2 hours, and you get the idea.
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People say that when a couple go on a trip together, they either come back stronger or split up soon after. We're lucky we are not the latter. Sure we got into several disagreements over the most menial matters while we were there. And there were times when we had this ominous, uncomfortable silences that prelude most quarrels. But we always managed to resolve them, and came back much stronger. Not just a fun trip, but also a test of whether we could co-exist in a common space, when we are made to be together 24/7. Can we, he asked. Looks promising, I said.
Saturday, 30 June 2007
to strip or not to strip...that is the burning question
I've been thinking of getting a Brazillian wax for the longest time, and I mean THE LONGEST time. But up till now, I have yet to get my ass down to doing it. Two months ago I received a voucher for a free wax and was thrilled, thinking that this would motivate me to finally getting down to business with this whole Brazillian wax thing. But no...I waited and lingered, till it was way past the voucher's expiry date, when I simply shrugged my shoulders and dismiss the whole idea ALL OVER AGAIN. I am such a wuss.
You see, I am a vainpot when it comes to personal grooming and such. I train hard and continuously strive to achieve my ideal physique; brave the hazardous UV rays in order to attain that "glowing tan"; and spend more than enough time prior to stepping out of the house each day to make sure I look more than just decent. And these are just the publicly noticeable areas.
While most people tend to do the whole "sweep all the garbage under the bed" thing, meaning to say they only focus on the noticeable spots, I tend to be slightly more anal-retentive about it all and try to make sure that even the unseen bits remain nicely groomed and maintained. They are like expensive lawns you know. And shaving is a cheap shortcut that doesn't do it justice.
I've heard good things about the wax in terms of the post-waxing aesthetic quality. But I'm also aware that it hurts like f***, and man, even though I have a high pain threshold, I'm hesitant to put myself under the knife like that. Yes I know, no pain no gain. But oh man oh man, do I really want to pay someone to hurt me...? I'm no sadomasochist!
Now it's less than 2 months away from my dance competition and in the course of preparing myself for the comp, both in terms of my dance and physical training, I need to start thinking of getting my body well and ready for the nice little costumes that will give me 25% of my marks for the competition. Perfect body, perfect tan, and of course, nice smooth skin all over. Brazil is beckoning...
You see, I am a vainpot when it comes to personal grooming and such. I train hard and continuously strive to achieve my ideal physique; brave the hazardous UV rays in order to attain that "glowing tan"; and spend more than enough time prior to stepping out of the house each day to make sure I look more than just decent. And these are just the publicly noticeable areas.
While most people tend to do the whole "sweep all the garbage under the bed" thing, meaning to say they only focus on the noticeable spots, I tend to be slightly more anal-retentive about it all and try to make sure that even the unseen bits remain nicely groomed and maintained. They are like expensive lawns you know. And shaving is a cheap shortcut that doesn't do it justice.
I've heard good things about the wax in terms of the post-waxing aesthetic quality. But I'm also aware that it hurts like f***, and man, even though I have a high pain threshold, I'm hesitant to put myself under the knife like that. Yes I know, no pain no gain. But oh man oh man, do I really want to pay someone to hurt me...? I'm no sadomasochist!
Now it's less than 2 months away from my dance competition and in the course of preparing myself for the comp, both in terms of my dance and physical training, I need to start thinking of getting my body well and ready for the nice little costumes that will give me 25% of my marks for the competition. Perfect body, perfect tan, and of course, nice smooth skin all over. Brazil is beckoning...
Friday, 29 June 2007
my baby never finishes his drinks
There are two nearly empty Ribena packet drinks on my desk, courtesy of mr. i'm-thirsty-baby-please-give-me-a-drink, who never, I emphasize NEVER finishes his drinks. This and along with other little traits such as: 1. handing me his loose change to keep because "guys don't have a place to put coins in our wallets, baby!"; 2. his tendency to wear the same shirt over and over again "because it's my favourite shirt!" despite having a closetful of other shirts; 3. referring to everything that's awesome as "good shit"- the "shit" may refer to a drink/food/show/song/movie/car/shoes...please delete as required. That makes the imperfect person he is, whom I love.
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The good shit still waiting to be finished.
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The good shit still waiting to be finished.
Friday, 15 June 2007
tgif - last day at the company
I'm sitting here at the cubicle in the office, looking like I'm the usual busy bee I usually am. Instead, here I am, filling in the last moments of obligation doing something I should really be doing at my own free time. But hey, it's my last day at the company, everyone's giving me a break.
Everyone seems to be asking me how I am feeling. Are they expecting me to cry upon leaving or something? I mean, I'm not exactly jumping up and down in ecstasy. But I am glad to be moving on to something that I really prefer to do. Something that's more suited to what I'm looking for in life, while still fulfilling my family obligations, like a good daughter should.
I'm dressed in white from head to toe today, complete with a white straw bag and white sandals - Michael Kors no less. Suz said that it reminded her of a movie where a couple on the fringe of breaking up deliberately dressed in white to signify/symbolise their parting. So am I doing the same??? I guess you could say that...if you were the dramatic sort and believe in symbolism and all that. (I thought I've left all these behind when I graduated top literature student some years back!)
It's almost lunch time, and in less than five hours I'll be leaving the company as someone who's no longer a staff. Surrendering my pass and my car decal too! Damn why can't I at least keep the photo. It's going to be a new beginning. Some people envy my position, while others are simply curious to see how my life will pan out. Not to worry, I'll give the envious ones some real things to be envious about and the curious cats nothing to gossip on.
Life, here I come. Prepared, undaunted, and full of joyful energy.
Everyone seems to be asking me how I am feeling. Are they expecting me to cry upon leaving or something? I mean, I'm not exactly jumping up and down in ecstasy. But I am glad to be moving on to something that I really prefer to do. Something that's more suited to what I'm looking for in life, while still fulfilling my family obligations, like a good daughter should.
I'm dressed in white from head to toe today, complete with a white straw bag and white sandals - Michael Kors no less. Suz said that it reminded her of a movie where a couple on the fringe of breaking up deliberately dressed in white to signify/symbolise their parting. So am I doing the same??? I guess you could say that...if you were the dramatic sort and believe in symbolism and all that. (I thought I've left all these behind when I graduated top literature student some years back!)
It's almost lunch time, and in less than five hours I'll be leaving the company as someone who's no longer a staff. Surrendering my pass and my car decal too! Damn why can't I at least keep the photo. It's going to be a new beginning. Some people envy my position, while others are simply curious to see how my life will pan out. Not to worry, I'll give the envious ones some real things to be envious about and the curious cats nothing to gossip on.
Life, here I come. Prepared, undaunted, and full of joyful energy.
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
...just because i love you...there's no why
Vulnerable seems to be my middle name today when I told himself point-blank, that I think (and I truly believe this) that when you love someone, whatever you do for him is propelled internally. You're nice to him just because you love him; there's no other reason or hidden agenda. And for me, there's no yardstick or 'measuring cup' that I use to decide whether I love him more or he loves me more; by measuring how much I do for him or compromise for him vis-a-vis the extent he does things for me or to oblige me. In fact, obligation should not exist in our dictionaries. Nothing should count as obligation. If it does, then perhaps one shouldn't do it. After all, when it becomes an obligation, then it's no longer enjoyable, and the reward ain't so great. You won't feel satisfied or enjoy the rush of warm feeling you have because you've made someone you love happy. It becomes just another...chore. And I don't want that. I told himself that no matter what I do for him, I will not expect him to feel obligated to give me just as much. It's all up to him, how much he wants to give, and how much he wants to feel for me. Although I sort of feel as if I've just shot myself in the foot once these words left my mouth, I see no reason to take them back or to regret what I've said. Because truly, that's what I want out of love, out of the ideal relationship - that I can find someone whom I love, and who loves me just because he does, and not because he's touched or feel obligated by how much I love him. Of course the interaction between the couple matters a lot. But essentially, when you love someone, there's no question as to how much you'll care about him, and the extent to which you will do things just to make him feel comfortable, secure, and undoubtedly very loved. I don't think I am necessarily apparent in conveying my feelings to someone. But there' s a huge and I mean HUGE difference in the way I treat people I couldn't really be bothered with versus those I care about. And much more so for my man, whom to me should be my best friend, my better half, and my shoulder to cry on. No pressure there. And of course, he should be one of the very few reasons I would sacrifice my sleep for and drive halfway across the city to see should he need me there with him at 4AM. Regardless of how I feel, I'll be there. Just because there's love I feel inside when I think of him, and there's no other reason why. This is how I feel.
seberapa pantas - for you
How apt are the lyrics...
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SEBERAPA PANTAS - Sheila on 7
Seberapa pantaskah kau untuk ku tunggu,
Cukup indahkah dirimu untuk selalu ku nantikan
Mampukan kau hadir dalam setiap mimpi burukku
Mampukah kita bertahan di saat kita jauh..
Seberapa hebat kau 'tuk ku banggakan,
Cukup tangguhkah dirimu untuk selalu ku andalkan, ohhh...
Mampukan kau bertahan dengan hidupku yang malang, ohh..
Sanggupkah kau menyakinkan di saat aku bimbang..
CHORUS:
Celakanya...
Hanya kaulah yang benar-benar aku tunggu,
Hanya kaulah yang benar-benar memahamiku,
Kau pergi dan hilang ke mana pun kau suka
Celakanya...
Hanya kaulah yang pantas untuk kubanggakan,
Hanya kaulah yang sanggup untuk aku andalkan,
Di antara pedih aku slalu menantimu..
Seberapa hebat kau 'tuk kubanggakan,
Cukup tangguhkah dirimu untuk selalu ku andalkan..ohh...
Mampukah kau bertahan dengan hidup ku yang malang oh...
Sanggupkah kau menyakinkan di saat aku bimbang..
BRIDGE:
Mungkin kini kau t'lah menghilang tanpa jejak,
Mengubur semua indah kenangan,
Tapi aku slalu menunggumu di sini,
Bila saja kau berubah pikiran ohhh...heyyy..heyy
__________________________________________________________
semoga memang hanya engkau yang dapat terus ku andalkan dan pertahankan.
__________________________________________________
SEBERAPA PANTAS - Sheila on 7
Seberapa pantaskah kau untuk ku tunggu,
Cukup indahkah dirimu untuk selalu ku nantikan
Mampukan kau hadir dalam setiap mimpi burukku
Mampukah kita bertahan di saat kita jauh..
Seberapa hebat kau 'tuk ku banggakan,
Cukup tangguhkah dirimu untuk selalu ku andalkan, ohhh...
Mampukan kau bertahan dengan hidupku yang malang, ohh..
Sanggupkah kau menyakinkan di saat aku bimbang..
CHORUS:
Celakanya...
Hanya kaulah yang benar-benar aku tunggu,
Hanya kaulah yang benar-benar memahamiku,
Kau pergi dan hilang ke mana pun kau suka
Celakanya...
Hanya kaulah yang pantas untuk kubanggakan,
Hanya kaulah yang sanggup untuk aku andalkan,
Di antara pedih aku slalu menantimu..
Seberapa hebat kau 'tuk kubanggakan,
Cukup tangguhkah dirimu untuk selalu ku andalkan..ohh...
Mampukah kau bertahan dengan hidup ku yang malang oh...
Sanggupkah kau menyakinkan di saat aku bimbang..
BRIDGE:
Mungkin kini kau t'lah menghilang tanpa jejak,
Mengubur semua indah kenangan,
Tapi aku slalu menunggumu di sini,
Bila saja kau berubah pikiran ohhh...heyyy..heyy
__________________________________________________________
semoga memang hanya engkau yang dapat terus ku andalkan dan pertahankan.
Sunday, 29 April 2007
my 26th birthday weekend
I recently turned 26. To be exact, I turned 26 on 0235hrs of April 27th. For some, 26 might seem pretty old - time to think about family responsibilities, settling down and all those other things strictly reserved for adults. But for me, 26 is a mere number. I still feel 21. My youth shall not be compromised just because I've officially passed the mid-twenties mark and am approaching lat twenties. Don't tell me otherwise or you will no longer be my friend. Hrmph!
It's not that I am in denial. I just think that it's silly to expect someone to have a total overhaul of personality and mindset just because he/she has become a year older, and getting closer to real adulthood where total life responsibilities are imminent baggage and liabilities he/she has to bear. Growing up is a gradual process, the speed of which varies from one person to the next. But enough, I'm not about to start a whole argument on growing up/maturity process.
I've been lucky that my birthday was remembered and celebrated by quite a few. I've managed to spend time with colleagues/family/close friends...and of course the new boy I'm seeing. And have had one too many cakes. Bleah, I must have put on an extra pound or two. Anyway, here goes a summary of my hectic but superbly fun birthday weekend.
Thursday, April 26 2007
Mom and Pop wished me happy birthday with a birthday ang pow, owing to their inability to stick around on my actual birthday.
Friday, April 27 2007 @ 0000hrs
My boy called to wish me happy birthday - which comes as a real surprise as I know he has retired to bed early thanks to a bad bad cough. Pleasant surprise no doubt. Two minutes after I put down the phone, my best friend Dali called to wish me a joyous birthday (yes dali, you came in second this year). Fell asleep shortly after and only discovered in the AM that a couple of people including my sisters have also wished me happy birthday in the early AM while I was in dreamland. Oh boy, I am loved.
0845hrs
My colleague Juliana pulled me aside to give me my birthday present from her and a couple other people in the office. They remembered my actual birthday instead of my lame passport one! I had a lunch treat from her that noon, and at 1500hrs, the rest of the team celebrated my birthday with a massive cheese cake drenched in chocolate sauce. 5000 calories I swear. Michael bought the cake - now that explains it. Hrmph! They are out to make me fat.
1900hrs
Sisters took me out to Jack's Place for dinner. Dali joined in a while later and we had a feast. A crazy crazy feast. Oysters, mango prawn cocktail, baked lobsters etc etc. See pictures below.
Dinner was followed by a KTV session at KBOX. This time we were joined by my boy, and geg's boy. Lots of fun. By the time we were done it was close to 3am, and we went home, hung out and talked all the way till close to 5am before we called it a night.
Saturday, April 28 2007
Okay, technically my birthday was over by this day but himself and myself continued our semi celebration by going out and spending time together, engaging in our favourite past times - eat and drive around. Spent some hours at Timbre - this nice outdoor bistro/pub with live music. The music's so so. Ironically, we waited a whole of 2 hours for the live band to come on, but left after 30 minutes of their playing. Yes, they weren't great. So what to do with the rest of the time? A rocker needs to sing. Correction, two wannabe rockers need to sing. So off to Partyworld we went and spent the next three hours belting out rock ballads and cheesy love songs. Very dramatic you know.
The rocker wannabes went home with sore throats that night.
Sunday, April 29 2007
My girls promised to take me out on this day, and guess what was in the plan - KTV. Again. Now before you get the impression that I am a narcissistic fool who's blardy in love with my own voice, I must clarify. This was the only KTV session that was actually planned. The two before this were merely impromptu decisions. Just shows how limited our resources for seeking fun are in Singapore eh.
Yisi+Kathy+Joy = explosive energy and immense fun, coupled with several doses of "shiok sendiri" tendencies. Fooling around with cheesy boyband love ballads and retro songs from the nineties and late eighties, mingled with the occasional hookien songs and chinese rock for variety - we had a blast. I must say this night was unbelievable. Another highlight of the night, the birthday cake that was supposed to be a surprise, but which was conveniently ruined by a less than clever waiter who popped into our room at the most random of times, asking in a loud voice audible to all, "when shall i bring in your cake?!" *gestures wildly with hands* Red-faced, Yisi pushed him out, telling him that she would signal when it's time. But by then it was too late and I was already armed with the info. But hey, a cake is a cake okay, surprise or otherwise. And it was SO YUMMY! Mmm...yes another imminent pound added to my weight gain this weekend.
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The night ended perfectly as we conveniently exceeded our allocated singing time by a whole 50 minutes (no extra charge!) and swaggered all the way to the taxi stand, still laughing at our ability to belt out PRAY (by TAKE THAT) word for word, including all the background vocals and the ooohs and the ahhhs. What closet boyband fans we are! Next in our list would be MYSTERIOUS GIRL by Peter Andre and ALL MY LIFE by KC and JOJO. This after we have conquered MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY by The Moffats (remember them?!), DYING INSIDE TO HOLD YOU by Timmy Thomas (the one hit wonder), and AMAZED by Lonestar. Oh yes, don't forget Wang Jie, Zhang Xin Zhe, Jay Chou and all the other similar princes of ballads. I'm talking memorising their songs word for word okay. Yes yes, I know we had way too much time in our hands during that era.
It's 0024hours of April 30 2007. My birthday weekend has come to a closure. What a week! What to look forward next are all that I will experience as a 26-year old. I hope there's no more of those ID-checking sessions when clubbing I will have to go through. But at the same time, I guess I should start worrying about fine lines, slower metabolism and all those other physical changes that tend to plague "women my age". Geez, this ain't good.
Ah well, happy birthday Joy Joy. Congratulations for being alive for 26 years and enjoying every moment of your existence.
It's not that I am in denial. I just think that it's silly to expect someone to have a total overhaul of personality and mindset just because he/she has become a year older, and getting closer to real adulthood where total life responsibilities are imminent baggage and liabilities he/she has to bear. Growing up is a gradual process, the speed of which varies from one person to the next. But enough, I'm not about to start a whole argument on growing up/maturity process.
I've been lucky that my birthday was remembered and celebrated by quite a few. I've managed to spend time with colleagues/family/close friends...and of course the new boy I'm seeing. And have had one too many cakes. Bleah, I must have put on an extra pound or two. Anyway, here goes a summary of my hectic but superbly fun birthday weekend.
Thursday, April 26 2007
Mom and Pop wished me happy birthday with a birthday ang pow, owing to their inability to stick around on my actual birthday.
Friday, April 27 2007 @ 0000hrs
My boy called to wish me happy birthday - which comes as a real surprise as I know he has retired to bed early thanks to a bad bad cough. Pleasant surprise no doubt. Two minutes after I put down the phone, my best friend Dali called to wish me a joyous birthday (yes dali, you came in second this year). Fell asleep shortly after and only discovered in the AM that a couple of people including my sisters have also wished me happy birthday in the early AM while I was in dreamland. Oh boy, I am loved.
0845hrs
My colleague Juliana pulled me aside to give me my birthday present from her and a couple other people in the office. They remembered my actual birthday instead of my lame passport one! I had a lunch treat from her that noon, and at 1500hrs, the rest of the team celebrated my birthday with a massive cheese cake drenched in chocolate sauce. 5000 calories I swear. Michael bought the cake - now that explains it. Hrmph! They are out to make me fat.
1900hrs
Sisters took me out to Jack's Place for dinner. Dali joined in a while later and we had a feast. A crazy crazy feast. Oysters, mango prawn cocktail, baked lobsters etc etc. See pictures below.
Dinner was followed by a KTV session at KBOX. This time we were joined by my boy, and geg's boy. Lots of fun. By the time we were done it was close to 3am, and we went home, hung out and talked all the way till close to 5am before we called it a night.
Saturday, April 28 2007
Okay, technically my birthday was over by this day but himself and myself continued our semi celebration by going out and spending time together, engaging in our favourite past times - eat and drive around. Spent some hours at Timbre - this nice outdoor bistro/pub with live music. The music's so so. Ironically, we waited a whole of 2 hours for the live band to come on, but left after 30 minutes of their playing. Yes, they weren't great. So what to do with the rest of the time? A rocker needs to sing. Correction, two wannabe rockers need to sing. So off to Partyworld we went and spent the next three hours belting out rock ballads and cheesy love songs. Very dramatic you know.
The rocker wannabes went home with sore throats that night.
Sunday, April 29 2007
My girls promised to take me out on this day, and guess what was in the plan - KTV. Again. Now before you get the impression that I am a narcissistic fool who's blardy in love with my own voice, I must clarify. This was the only KTV session that was actually planned. The two before this were merely impromptu decisions. Just shows how limited our resources for seeking fun are in Singapore eh.
Yisi+Kathy+Joy = explosive energy and immense fun, coupled with several doses of "shiok sendiri" tendencies. Fooling around with cheesy boyband love ballads and retro songs from the nineties and late eighties, mingled with the occasional hookien songs and chinese rock for variety - we had a blast. I must say this night was unbelievable. Another highlight of the night, the birthday cake that was supposed to be a surprise, but which was conveniently ruined by a less than clever waiter who popped into our room at the most random of times, asking in a loud voice audible to all, "when shall i bring in your cake?!" *gestures wildly with hands* Red-faced, Yisi pushed him out, telling him that she would signal when it's time. But by then it was too late and I was already armed with the info. But hey, a cake is a cake okay, surprise or otherwise. And it was SO YUMMY! Mmm...yes another imminent pound added to my weight gain this weekend.
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The night ended perfectly as we conveniently exceeded our allocated singing time by a whole 50 minutes (no extra charge!) and swaggered all the way to the taxi stand, still laughing at our ability to belt out PRAY (by TAKE THAT) word for word, including all the background vocals and the ooohs and the ahhhs. What closet boyband fans we are! Next in our list would be MYSTERIOUS GIRL by Peter Andre and ALL MY LIFE by KC and JOJO. This after we have conquered MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY by The Moffats (remember them?!), DYING INSIDE TO HOLD YOU by Timmy Thomas (the one hit wonder), and AMAZED by Lonestar. Oh yes, don't forget Wang Jie, Zhang Xin Zhe, Jay Chou and all the other similar princes of ballads. I'm talking memorising their songs word for word okay. Yes yes, I know we had way too much time in our hands during that era.
It's 0024hours of April 30 2007. My birthday weekend has come to a closure. What a week! What to look forward next are all that I will experience as a 26-year old. I hope there's no more of those ID-checking sessions when clubbing I will have to go through. But at the same time, I guess I should start worrying about fine lines, slower metabolism and all those other physical changes that tend to plague "women my age". Geez, this ain't good.
Ah well, happy birthday Joy Joy. Congratulations for being alive for 26 years and enjoying every moment of your existence.
Wednesday, 11 April 2007
my cavemen trouble
Trials and errors have made me realise that I am indeed one who has what I would call "the cavemen trouble". Simply put, I am attracted to cavemen-type men. A few characteristics of such cavemen include; possessing a sense of authority/power, self-assured/confident/slightly cocky, tough, apparently unemotional ie. do not cry, candid, unapologetic, and of course manly, very very manly. Such manliness has nothing to do with physique (although an excellent physique is undoubtedly a huge bonus). It's more of an attitude that he carries; the self-assurance, the insatiable confidence, the seriousness he has in his eyes, the single-mindedness he has when he's after a prey...
A friend told me last night, that only a man as such could make me stop and turn my head. Boy she does know me well. I want my guy to be able to take control when he needs to, make certain decisions when he's required to. I don't want a guy who's overly easy-going...I would completely step all over him! Bad I know, but that's a fact.
The problem with my tendency to gravitate towards the cavemen type is the tricky business of differentiating between a dateable caveman and an un-dateable MCP in caveman clothing. The latter is definitely a nono, unless you enjoy being knocked on the head with a big club, dragged into the cave, and then...(use your imagination). I must say I'm still in the process of learning to differentiate between the two. But as my philosophy goes - just go with the flow. I've never set out to look for love; always just letting nature take its course and adopting a que sera sera attitude.
But like I said, I already know myself well enough. I know what I want and what I need. Hence while waiting for love to strike, the vision is clear - only cavemen need apply.
A friend told me last night, that only a man as such could make me stop and turn my head. Boy she does know me well. I want my guy to be able to take control when he needs to, make certain decisions when he's required to. I don't want a guy who's overly easy-going...I would completely step all over him! Bad I know, but that's a fact.
The problem with my tendency to gravitate towards the cavemen type is the tricky business of differentiating between a dateable caveman and an un-dateable MCP in caveman clothing. The latter is definitely a nono, unless you enjoy being knocked on the head with a big club, dragged into the cave, and then...(use your imagination). I must say I'm still in the process of learning to differentiate between the two. But as my philosophy goes - just go with the flow. I've never set out to look for love; always just letting nature take its course and adopting a que sera sera attitude.
But like I said, I already know myself well enough. I know what I want and what I need. Hence while waiting for love to strike, the vision is clear - only cavemen need apply.
Monday, 12 March 2007
a break from dancing
I am recovering from one of the most devastating dance competition experiences ever. It's not so much how badly we placed in the competition but to whom we lost. I've seen the girls of the couples who placed above us dance. They sucked. Bad. So it's really a big blow to me. I was a bad sport though, which is something I suppose I regretted. I didn't even bow when we went up to collect our certificates. And I definitely did not smile. Not happy at all. And what made it worse was how he took it. He seemed all nonchalant about our poor performance! This pissed me off badly. The least he could do was to be upset that we did badly, not to say things like, oh I don't really care how we did, I just want to dance. Seriously! I could have smacked him really hard. So I just walked away and sat with himself who had waited 5 whole hours just to watch me dance for that 6 minutes. Sigh. I looked through our pictures and videos and of course spotted the possible reasons for our poor result, and yes, it's true, we screwed up at more than a couple of spots. But his energy man, where's his energy?! I am starting to doubt if we are going to have much potential as a competitive couple at all...So I declared that I needed to take a break, a serious break. It's too much dancing for me right now. I think I would rather sit back and re-evaluate what I need and what I want and to see if this is going to work out in the end. So I'm on a break. It's a good time to look at my dancing and see if I've got it to go on, and if this failure is coincidental or a sign of (bad) things to come.
Monday, 5 March 2007
crossroads
There's a point in everyone's life when you are forced to make some of the most important decisions. Be it on your career, love life, family affairs, future goals or lifelong endeavours, some decisions have to be taken. And you are forced - by circumstances, family, social or personal expectations. This is the time when you face a crossroad ahead of you, each of the road leading to something that you can't expect. Something novel, exciting, and yet scary at the same time. For there is no certainty and security in ensuring your success no matter which road you choose to take. I am now facing this crossroad, many crossroads in fact, when I have to set my foot down and decide on the roads I would be willing to venture towards, in various aspects of my life.
Career - to continue or not, that's the main question. Is this something I can see myself doing in the long run? The answer is no. But would my second option definitely be the better choice for me. Maybe not. Should I continue working while waiting for other opportunities to strike? Maybe. But perhaps I should take a sabbatical while I can and weigh my options. Also possible.
Dance - how much do I want to invest in dancing? Can I expect to continue dancing competitively for long? Can I revolve my life now around something that I know has an expiry date? If not, will I be willing to put it on hold in the pursuit of monetary benefits and to fulfil family obligations?
Love - am I ready to date again? Should I even open my eyes and my heart to the potentials out there? Am I happy being single as I am right now? Is the freedom I have worth the occasional loneliness I feel when I need someone to rely on, and someone to take care of me - be there when I need him? Is my romantic ideals of meeting someone without compromise much too impractical in this emotionally detached society? I don't know.
So many questions waiting to be answered. And yet I find myself procrastinating in trying to find the solutions to my problems. I'm avoiding the issues; adopting a cat-like attitude of "if I don't see it, it doesn't exist." But that's not the way is it? For eventually, the problems will come back to haunt my dreams.
I should really think about it and decide on a clearer path to take, so I may make a better decision on the roads I choose to take.
Career - to continue or not, that's the main question. Is this something I can see myself doing in the long run? The answer is no. But would my second option definitely be the better choice for me. Maybe not. Should I continue working while waiting for other opportunities to strike? Maybe. But perhaps I should take a sabbatical while I can and weigh my options. Also possible.
Dance - how much do I want to invest in dancing? Can I expect to continue dancing competitively for long? Can I revolve my life now around something that I know has an expiry date? If not, will I be willing to put it on hold in the pursuit of monetary benefits and to fulfil family obligations?
Love - am I ready to date again? Should I even open my eyes and my heart to the potentials out there? Am I happy being single as I am right now? Is the freedom I have worth the occasional loneliness I feel when I need someone to rely on, and someone to take care of me - be there when I need him? Is my romantic ideals of meeting someone without compromise much too impractical in this emotionally detached society? I don't know.
So many questions waiting to be answered. And yet I find myself procrastinating in trying to find the solutions to my problems. I'm avoiding the issues; adopting a cat-like attitude of "if I don't see it, it doesn't exist." But that's not the way is it? For eventually, the problems will come back to haunt my dreams.
I should really think about it and decide on a clearer path to take, so I may make a better decision on the roads I choose to take.
Saturday, 10 February 2007
understanding and acceptance
i've told myself to give up way too many times now that the reminder has gotten old and my mind has gone numb from processing the same piece of information over and over again. yet i kept going back and holding on, to what i don't even know. it's not a logical thing, that's for sure; and not entirely emotional either - it's something inexplicable and binding. it dulls the regular decision-making capability. much too scary, especially for a person like me. but in the recent week i've come to accept that some things are never going to change; some people will never change. and there's really no use holding to something that you can't even grasp. so be free. switch focus, free my mind, be open to options, busy myself with things that really matter. it's difficult for sure. there seems to be a wall that i put up now against all other possibilities, or even other social opportunities for friendships and companionships. and the more i try the harder it is to forget. but i can feel myself getting stronger and more able to free myself from this prison that i've created for myself. it's going to take some time, but i know i will get there. i understand and i accept. i'm not the kind of person to force something to happen anyway. in matters like these, resilience is not the key, and is definitely not the solution. just got to let it be. and so i will just let it be and see what happens for me. love myself - that's the rule. if i love myself more, i'm less likely to get hurt. and so i will. it's about time anyway.
Wednesday, 31 January 2007
confession of a busy mouse
I've been so freakin' busy of late, so much so that I keep procrastinating on updating this site, even though I constantly remind myself to do it. It's hard sometimes, even when you technically have the time to do it. When I have a moment, I'd either 1. sleep 2. fall asleep 3. watch dvd till i fall asleep. In short, I just pass out. People would ask me if it's work, or dance, or whatever that's been keeping me busy and exhausted. I say it's all of the above. Even this week, when I'm freed from dance practices, considering Andrew's out of town, I still feel equally busy - with gym (first time back again after a 2 weeks' absence), making dance costume, liaising with overseas suppliers on my stuff etc etc, and the attempt to practice on my own so I won't get too rusty when Andrew's back next Monday. It's unbelievable. Sometimes I wonder if it's healthy to keep myself so tied up like this. I don't make much time for other people really - I can barely finish my own things! Geez.
Someone used to tell me that I don't give myself the time to think about things in restrospect. I prefer to think of it as my way to live my life to the fullest. Yes, I agree that we need to think about our lives sometimes, and where we're going etc etc. But I've come to realise that the more you think and plan, sometimes you get even more confused and conflicted, not really knowing what you want to do for yourself in this life. So just let it be. Do whatever you want and you like as and when you like it, while you still have a chance. Life is short, so why bother wasting it planning for things that you can't anticipate?
So busy mouse would rather keep busy by doing what she loves to do.
Someone used to tell me that I don't give myself the time to think about things in restrospect. I prefer to think of it as my way to live my life to the fullest. Yes, I agree that we need to think about our lives sometimes, and where we're going etc etc. But I've come to realise that the more you think and plan, sometimes you get even more confused and conflicted, not really knowing what you want to do for yourself in this life. So just let it be. Do whatever you want and you like as and when you like it, while you still have a chance. Life is short, so why bother wasting it planning for things that you can't anticipate?
So busy mouse would rather keep busy by doing what she loves to do.
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