women skating event pics!

women skating fun

Took part in Singapore's first ever Women's Skating Event yesterday. Cursed the blardy rainy weather for making everything wet and soggy. Arrived at the place and was shocked to find it so bare (what bazaar?)and disorganised. Yet, despite everything it turned out to be a pretty nice experience. We bladed from East Coast Park to the Esplanade, having to blade on the road alongside the motorists, and escorted by the traffic police. Yoohoo! We were quite a sight. Pretty much everyone was a good sport, endorsing the red tank top we were given - one that says "Women Skating" on the chest. Ended the night with dinner and drinks at DXO - a bar at the Esplanade. Night event was a little lacking - fashion show with crappy models, and a beauty quest with erhm, less than desirable contestants. But everyone seems to have a good time, and we were each given a nice little goodie bag to shut our bitchy little mouths up. =) I must say that Juliana and myself have some great pictures taken for this event. YAY! Satisfies the little miss vanity in me.



This is a pre-event shot. Look at how fresh we both looked, and with poofy hair too.



At the starting line.



Little miss vain.



Some more photos to come in part deux.

life is not just okay

Life is a rollercoaster. Cliche but true. Sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down; sometimes you may be overwhelmed with ecstasy while other times you're drowned in sorrow. I guess only a poet or a dramatist would describe his or her life as such. For most people, life is just okay. There's no real extreme emotion. Everything is average. An average job, average friends, average activities, average boyfriend...But not me. I like to face up to my feelings; simply refusing to face everyday with a resigned attitude. I don't want to just be okay.

For a time I was really unhappy with my life. Dissatisfied. Felt like I had so much, yet so little. So blessed yet so cursed. Really contradicting. But lately I've been really happy. It feels like my life has finally reached a point where I feel almost completely satisfied. Of course there are more to achieve and more to look forward to. But for most times, I can actually honestly say that I'm happy. And my answer to a "how are you" greeting would be "great!" or "i'm doing real fine".

I'm getting everything I want - freedom, enough spending money, weekly golf, supportive friends and family, and most importantly regular dancing and a future in competitive dancing to look forward to. The last one makes all the difference. No matter how dreary work may be, no matter how fucked up the rest of my day is, as long as I can look forward to dancing, I'll be happy. Isn't it scary yet wonderful how important dancing is to me?

With dancing in my life, I am alright with my lacklustre dating life (or the lack thereof). What'll come will come. Who'll come will come. There's no need to seek nor to think too much. With such an attitude, I feel much happier.

And life is most definitely not just okay. It's great. It's wonderful. I'm happy. =)

where have all the good people gone?

As I get more accustomed to the real adult world, I am more convinced that the world is essentially full of insincere people who really don't give a damn about anyone but themselves. Sounds bitter for sure. But I'm just being crudely and curtly honest about the situation. And I would point fingers and accuse the male species of being more guilty of such than us women. More and more I find myself being very skeptical of the words that come out of their mouths. For one just cannot be too cautious when it comes to assessing the sincerity of the male species. They'd say whatever they can to get what they want. That's what I've come to realise. As guillible as I am, surely I'm not stupid. But nowadays it's getting harder to tell. And I am increasingly less confident of my ability to judge one's character. I'm not as good a judge of character as I probably think or wish I am. Maybe it's because I am a slight idealist despite my earthy Taurean side. I want to believe that people are essentially good and sincere, and are without malice. But boy, I should really be careful. For I'm probably more often wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if I am really doing something that's allowing other people to view me in a certain light. But why do I have to change myself just so as to try reducing the filthy thoughts those bastards have of me? Why should I do that? I can't control what they think.

It's so ironic that an ugly duckling that I was as a child should grow up to face such a problem. As a child I worked towards developing my personality and intelligence to make up what I was lacking in my physicality. And yet now, the former are sometimes overshadowed by the latter - and I'm not even that good looking. Fucking horny bastards. I hate them.

Where have all the good people gone?

equilibrium

I realised I haven't updated the blog for sometime now. Have just been too busy with work and activities that I became too lazy to find time to write. Ought to be spanked, I know. Though I'm happy to announce that my life has reached a fine equilibrium now. With some luck I've managed to land myself a pretty decent dance partner (this is one cosmic story which I'll elaborate at a later time). Work has been crazy busy but somewhat okay; at least I'm still learning, and that's good. I've been able to play real golf once a week, with some practice at the range whenever I can make it. I've got a great car to drive, some money to spend on things I desire. Basically everything's going pretty well. I suppose what'll make my life even more perfect is having my close friends around me, and having a real soulmate to rely on. That's one aspect that's missing in my life right now. But honestly, it doesn't matter too much to me right now. I've got someone I'm comfortable spending time with, though there's nothing going on between us. That's quite enough companionship for me. Besides, with dancing on my mind and in my schedule, I find it really hard to find time for anyone else. Just ask my friends who have been asking me out all this time. Sometimes I feel quite bad for neglecting them, but I really have very little time and just too many things I want to do. I wish there were 36 or 48 hours in a day. But I'm sure even if there were, I'd find it too little still...

Speaking of dancing, I'm really glad that I still retain my dance flair and some technique. And what really enthused me is the connection we have, despite having partnered up only last Monday. With our compability in looks and skill, I'm sure we can do very well as a dancing couple. Too bad he's not based in Singapore. This makes coordinating practice more difficult than normal. But I have confidence that we'll do very well. Fingers crossed.

Sometimes I'm so tired because I keep pushing my body to its limits, while at the same time feeding it crap (that tastes good). Sluggish and lethargic in the morning, hyperactive in the evening. Very very bad for health. But what can I do. I tried eating more healthily, but fuck, I've got no self control...and I've tried sleeping more, but my mind refuses to rest. I should continue trying but now I guess I'll just let it be.

TGIF. Can't wait for the weekend. Saturday's gonna be an awesome day with a day of golf and a night of dance practice. Though I've got to work a little on Sunday, it's still gonna be a pretty good day to rest. I'm just gonna laze it away, so I'll be recharged on Monday. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work, but I know it's an unrealistic thought. Hang in there missy. You'll be fine. I'll be fine...

and i am fine

Can't believe it's been two weeks since I last put in an entry. These two weeks just flew by me. Seemed like I have been really busy with work and everything. Meeting after meeting and function after function, compounded with my neverending personal activities - almost felt like I have no time to breathe. But it's been good. I like being busy. Plus everything seems to be going well for me, and I'm recovering well...though now the situation is slightly weird. But that's another matter altogether. Most importantly, I am fine.

Now over to the mundane stuff...I LOVE MY CAR. My beautiful Subaru Legacy GTI 2.0 in shiny black. Mmmm the ride is just heavenly. I know it's a masculine car and all. And some still think it's too big and manly for me. But what do I think? It's perfect. It's totally me - a sports sedan for the sporty and yet deceptively introverted me. I'm utterly and completely in love with the car. My baby...

Work has been better - in the sense that I'm doing a lot more of the business development stuff instead of the regular administrative shit. Meeting up with clients and attending shows - very people oriented. And I've been given more responsibilities, which is very nice, although can be tiring at times. At least I get to learn a lot, and that's an important aspect of job satisfaction for me. Overall, it's great.

Activities wise, I've been reading and playing golf - two things I really enjoy now. Haven't been motivated to dance, which is a shame really. I know the dancer deep within me is dying to get back into the whole dancing lifestyle. But I just haven't had the right opportunity and the motivation to push me back into it. I hope it'll come soon though. Can't wait for the technique class to start. At least I will then have a reason to start dancing again.

Sigh, can't believe it's already Sunday evening again. The weekend's almost over, just like that. It's never enough you know, especially when golfing pretty much takes up a full day of the weekend. And Sunday's meant just for lazing around. Really unmotivated to go anywhere or do anything. Can't believe I'm so lazy. Feels just like when I was in Vancouver, having the whole place to myself, enjoying my time alone at home, just being lazy. Perfect. Just perfect idleness. Read. Eat. Sleep. Read some more. Who needs more. But once the week starts, work awaits.

I wish tomorrow were another Sunday.

perfect solitude

Walked home from Orchard today - once again after a long long time. It was a good walk, a time to think and reflect. Of course the walk brought back past memories, still vivid on my mind. After all, it wasn't that long ago. Went to the DVD store and rented a bunch of DVDs. Just want to spend my nights reading and enjoying one movie after another. After all, I don't sleep much. I have time. Being alone isn't completely bad. It's better than being with bad company, that's for sure. Although people are asking me out all the time, most of the time I just want to be on my own. Maybe it's because I'm a dreamer. And such solitude gives me abundant space and freedom to indulge in my own thoughts and fancies. And I don't have to explain to anyone. Some may view it as a pathetic indulgence in self pity. But for me, it's really a strengthening process.

I feel a little happier today. I was able to laugh with my gym mates, truly laugh without sad eyes. I was able to eat. I was able to function normally. And I wasn't able to cry. Huge improvement. And for the very first time, I don't feel like writing on the recovery blog, although I know last night's entry is far from the being the last.

You know, perceived happiness is fleeting. So everytime we enjoy a moment of happiness, we should never take it for granted. For it could very well be the last time. An optimist says that every 60 seconds of sadness is a minute of happiness robbed from you. But a realist like me will say that while every 60 seconds of sadness takes away a minute of happiness, it's still a feeling you have to experience. For without feeling sad, how can you then treasure your happiness? Without the pain of sadness, how can you truly relish in the blessing of happiness?

Every moment of sadness I feel is an armour to defend me against all odds. It's my cushion to protect me should I fall again. And when I finally experience true happiness, the joy i feel will be manifold. For compared to this bank of sadness I've stored, each joyful moment will seem doubly sweet.

I digress again.

Solitude gives me a peace of mind. It gives me strength. I need it now.

i love my breakfast

Breakfast at GWC's CEDELE.

I love my Sunday morning's breakfast/brunch. Always reminds me of the good old diner days back in Van. Although I went for breakfast with a mind full of memories, both bitter and sweet, the warm comforting taste of sweet pancakes still managed to cheer me up a little. See? Don't I look somewhat happy?

misunderstood

Why won't they understand? I like quiet, I like solitude. As much as I enjoy the occasionally partying with friends. Despite the ease through which I move through the crowd, socialising without effort, I truly do not enjoy crowds and noise. All I want is the right company. Why the fuck do they see the need to automatically classify me under the category of "outgoing party girl"? Why? Why can't they see the two sides in me? Why can't they see and honour the serious side? Why do they automatically think I have problems when they see me quiet and melancholy? Why do they think I've changed? Don't they know it's just a part of me? Don't they know that everytime I say I'm busy it's because I'm busy with myself, spending time alone just doing my own things? Can't they respect that? Do they really think I have THAT many friends? Do I want THAT many friends? Does hanging out doing nothing in particular with random people guarantee me the kind of happiness I'm looking for? Who the fuck are they to think they know who I am? It doesn't take long for me to decide who I'd want to spend more time with and who I just can't be bothered to give my time to. They think they know it all, saying that I need to constantly be with people to avoid feeling lonely. Yea right. Maybe that's you. But no, my friend. All these strangers. I don't need them. Like I said, there's no need to compromise. Rather than spending time with the wrong crowd, I'd rather be alone. Fucking just leave me alone.

to love somebody

My friends keep telling me it's better to be loved than to love. And I disagree. You know why? I've spent a good portion of my young life getting into relationships where the other person loved me more than I loved them. And sure it felt good at times. It's nice to be cared for and prioritised, that's for sure. But those relationships never lasted because there was always a nagging feeling of guilt, for being unable to give as much to them as they could to me. Perhaps that was how he felt. I don't know and I won't know. So I promised myself that I would wait for the person I could give my love to, and I did. Alas I couldn't be loved in return. Isn't this always the case. All the poor matches in the world. But I still refuse to compromise. Why should I? It's true that loving might hurt more than it gratifies. Yet the joy of giving, the satisfaction of caring for someone other than myself, putting someone ahead of myself...are indescribable. The feelings are novel, fresh, new, exciting. And they make me feel 100% everyday. Like a direction in life, the purpose for living life to the fullest.

I fell but I will rise again. Will not seek for when I seek I shall not find. But I will remain optimistic. No compromise.

love from your sister

My dear little sister, I will never judge you. Don't be afraid to show me who you really are and how you truly feel. It's your life, and you are free to make your own choices. All I can do is to give you the support you need and to offer you my opinions. After all I've been through more than you in life and have experienced whatever you are going through right now. It's alright to not really know what you want. It's alright to spend your time exploring new possibilities until you finally realise what you are looking for. But please, make sure you take care of yourself along the way.

You know you can always talk to me when you need to. I've spoken to him at 4am this morning. Misery loves company. In the four or so years I've known him, I feel that I've only truly known the kind of person he is in that hour and a half of our conversation. And I could see what you saw in him. He's a good person. Though maybe not the one for you right now.

You are at a point in your life where you will experience the most changes. You will change...so much. So much that you might not recognise yourself when you look back. But that's how it's going to be. It's normal. It's part of growing up. Don't hold yourself back, just let it happen. But again, take care of yourself. Don't keep everything to yourself for I know despite your cool exterior, you need the emotional and mental support to go on.

Do what makes you happy. But do know that there are people who love you. And with this love we'll protect you so that you are free to give your love to the one(s) you want. I am so willing to love because I am so loved. And you should do the same.

Be happy.

my best friend

I've never really told you this, but you make a better friend than anything else. We've been friends so long and know each other inside out. Feel like I can tell you everything and you'll understand. We share our sorrows and our pain, our joy and our happiness. Such comfort, to have a friend like you. You seem so excited over the new prospect you are seeing, and I'm excited for you too. I hope she can be the companion you are seeking, one you need who'll be there for you. I know that'll make your stay in Windsor more bearable, and it'll make you a lot happier. And you need that. Thank you for your openess, your vulnerability, your transparency, and even your melodrama. Thank you for being you.

where did I go wrong?

A couple of people just recently told me that I am a wonderful person. I'm far from perfect, but I believe I do have a kind heart. I may be indifferent to people I don't give a damn about but I give my heart to those I care about. I would love them, care for them, go out of the way for them. As long as they are happy. So much so that sometimes I wonder if I am taken advantage of. Maybe they don't really care about me as much as I care about them. If that's really the case, how stupid I would be. If I were really such a nice person, why do I feel that I am not loved? Why do I feel that the only people who truly love me for who I am are my family and those people I left behind? Why do I feel so lonely? I have so much to give yet I can't. I have so much to share yet no one to share with. It's so sad isn't it? Where did I go wrong? Maybe I'm confining myself in a closed space where I have nowhere to run. For no matter where I turn, I meet a dead end. I may sound ultra melodramatic but sometimes that's how I feel. My life sucked out of me little by little. Sadness turned into anger, anger into bitterness. But where did I go wrong? I need some answers.

little joy joy - a personal trainer?

Today my trainer once again suggested I make personal training my full time career. You have the passion for fitness, the physique to train and a suitable personality to boot. We need people like you. There's a huge market now, with a high demand for female trainers, and we are short of people. Says he. So why can't I do it part time, I asked. Well, it's hard doing it part time, you need to make it a full time job. But I need to earn more says I. The pay is too low. You'll make what you're making now in 3 months, he said. And I guarantee you'll make even more once you're stable. Sounds tempting indeed. A physical job is definitely better for me in the long run. Although my job isn't too bad, and I enjoy learning new things and challenging my mind with this job, in this exciting industry, the job can get a little mundane and deskbound at times. And knowing me, I'll kill myself if I have to be tied to my chair 9-5 for five days a week. It gets too predictable, too comfortable, too...boring. Yet at the same time, I'm still progressing. My clients are liking me, and it looks like my future is pretty bright in this industry. So I'm reluctant to give the job up right now.

So then I told him, why don't I do the floor training on my own time, outside my full time job. It's tough says he. That means you have to do it weeknights and in the weekends. Well I can do it says I. I don't have much of a social life (by choice okay). I'd rather enrich myself this week. Workaholic indeed. He wasn't keen on me doing this, but after much persuasion and nudging (we're good friends you know, and you like me so much etc etc), he agreed to see if he can slot me in any available weeknight and Sunday time slots. Kinda excited really. Hope I'll be able to start "working" next week. I know they pay peanuts, but hey, it doesn't really matter. At least I get the training, and maybe I'll be able to start building my client base. And who knows I might really like training people physically. We'll see. If that happens, then I'm sure I'll be able to make a better decision on whether I should make this my full time career.

But little joy joy as a personal trainer. Can you see it? My step classmates keep saying how young I look (this lady keeps thinking I was in school or something). And you know, they see me as a little girl. But hey, maybe I can make a pretty kickass trainer. After all, I was born to exercise. :)

Woohoo this prospect is so exciting. Yet something else to look forward to in my life.

sometimes love's just ain't enough - how apt

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all

It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

no i'm not depressed. i still believe in love. =)
for i've loved, i love, and will still love.
even if i fall again and again and again.

the beatles sung it well

i love you, i love you, i love you
that's all i want to say
until i find a way
i will say the only words i know that you'll understand

i need to, i need to, i need to
i need to make you see
oh what you mean to me
until i do i'm hoping you will know what i mean

i want you, i want you, i want you
i think you know by now
i'll get to you somehow
until i do i'm telling you so you'll understand

i love you......

dad and love

I've always known and felt my dad's great love for me, and for the family. Really, my dad's love is the epitome of unconditional love. Yet I feel that sometimes, the nicer he is to me, the more unreasonable I act towards him, as if I take it for granted that no matter how wilful I act and how unruly I am towards him, he'll love me all the same. Take two nights ago as an example, my dad came back from Indo and once again commented on how I always leave the car outside the garage. Well, this is my fault that's true. But I'm also unlucky in the sense that everytime I leave the car out, (which isn't all that often), he happens to see it. Which means that the 5% of the time I do that, he'll be around to witness my mistake. So I got all pissed off and started complaining on how he doesn't trust me with the car etc etc. Bitching and bitching. Poor dad. All he did was to smile and said that he was only making a comment and that there should be communication between father and daughter. I don't know if it's PMS or just me being exceptionally bitchy, I continued getting mad and told him how he was ruining my mood etc etc all the way to the golf range where we were supposed to practice together. Bad bad bitch. I feel so guilty in retrospect for behaving the way I did. Completely unreasonable, out of style, and definitely showed zero of my supposed maturity. No wonder dad still treats me like a child sometimes.

Then it also makes me think, is it true that the more someone loves you, the more you take them for granted; not treating them as nicely as you should. No doubt you claim to love them and care about them and so on. But if you don't show it through your actions, what does it matter how much you claim to love them? Isn't it more important to show it. Love should be associated with patience, understanding and fogiveness. To love someone is to be patient with them; with their actions that might annoy you. Accepting their flaws as part of the whole package.

I love my dad and my mom. Yet I can be so completely impatient towards them. Too much isn't it? Yet sometimes it almost seems like I cannot help behaving the way I do.

Thanks dad, for understanding.

my dancing self

Went back for my jazz class yesterday evening after a 3-week absence. Really enjoyed the class as usual, especially since the dance was choreographed to one of my favourite songs: "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" from the movie CLOSER. (Breaks my heart everytime I listen to that song, especially since I bawled my eyes out when I watched that play-adapted movie - great movie). Anyway, despite the challenging and somewhat technical dance moves, I managed to shashay my way through the entire routine, though I must say I am super rusty. Plus the fact that jazz isn't exactly my strongest dance made it worse. After the class, the instructor (who's also my friend) came up to me and asked if I was alright. She then told me that I was apparently exuding negative energy. This came as a huge surprise for me, as I was convinced that my life is pretty much complete since I came back from Vancouver. Everything seems to have fallen in place, and there's no major complaints in my life. But what she said made me think of the missing piece in my life - my dancing. While I was in Van, I briefly re-encountered the dance scene and it made me realise how much I missed competitive Latin/Ballroom dancing. Dancing is such a huge passion for me, it saddens me to know that I'm taking classes as though I am a mere social dancer. It just isn't enough for me. I need something to work towards to, a goal to better myself as a dancer, and something to prove my ability as a dancer. Not just physically or technically, but also emotionally and expressively. This missing jigsaw piece takes a little spark out of me. In short, I need to get serious into dancing again.


Attended a Ballroom dancing competition just last weekend, and it reminded me of the great times I had as a competitor, preparing for the competition. Designing/making costumes, preparing routines, donning fake tans that'll crack all summer long - making me look perpetually diseased *bleh*, practicing, quarelling with dance partner, warming up, spinning on carpets during practices, tending to cut skin and deformed toes from severe toe pointings...all those bring back memories. And I want to relive them! I need to dance again! So then I made a resolution to get back into competitive dancing. Partner or no partner, I'll start training and make sure I'm ready whenever I have the chance to compete. My dancing self shall prevail! Ha, sounds so dramatic eh? But at least I know this will bring back the old spark to my eyes...

greater understanding and new optimism

After my much-needed break in Vancouver, I return recharged and focused, equipped with a greater understanding of myself and new optimism towards my life and my possible future. The crippling sense of melancholy and self-pity I went there with almost all evaporated as I surrounded myself with my loved ones - the true friends who love me for who I really am. I felt that I was being myself. It felt like I was home. Yet as I left them for Singapore, there was no sense of loss or sadness. Instead, I felt as if the love that I've experienced has transferred itself on me, such that I was ready to give that love to other people who matter to me. I came home with so much love to give, and so much appreciation for my life and my fortunate circumstances. In retrospect, it seems so silly of me to have wallowed in self-pity, when I am actually really blessed with so many good things in life. All the emotional troubles that were plaguing me now seem so inconsequential. Not that they don't matter. Rather, I've learnt to not take them so seriously. For real happiness comes when you take the best things from your circumstances and focus on them. I have wonderful parents and siblings, a great home, a satisfying job and fulfilling lifestyle, close friends whom I love and love me dearly, and most of all I have a guy I care so much about. With all these and so much love, how can I not be satisfied? How can I not cherish what I have, and instead lament about life as if it has treated me badly? I can't.

I want to embrace life fully and happily like I should be. Now that's more me. :)

my best friends

My stay in Vancouver is coming to an end. By tomorrow I'll be on the plane heading towards Singapore, back to work and back to my routine. My life is based there now, and Vancouver, is just a stopover that has a special place in my heart. I'm leaving my best friends behind. The happiness achieved through close-knit friendship I have will be hampered by the distance between us. While the love between us remains strong, distance will become an inevitable wall that will reduce the intensity of friendship love among us. But I'm not too sad. This trip has been a much needed recharging time for me. I feel as if my battery is full now; that I'm now ready to face the new challenges ahead of me; to be happy with my life in Singapore, even without them by myself. Because I know I'm loved, and that there'll always be a place here for me. I saw how much they missed me, and it made me feel that my love for them is so well reciprocated. And how "normality was restored" (as I quote Arthur), when all of us are together again. Amazing how time becomes irrelevant where relationships are concerned. When you meet certain people at an important time in your life where your personality is developing, when you are slowly learning to come to terms with who you are, these people become the railing you hold on to as you slowly step towards becoming who you are right now. I did so, and these people have become my best friends, my shoulders to cry on; my dependable harbour in times of need. And I know we'll be friends forever.



Just look at how we party. We always have so much fun together. It's not just the place - it's the company.

happiness in vancity

I haven't been this happy in a long time. It's good to be back to vancity, seeing my best friends, being together as a group once again. Can't believe I've been away for a whole year now. The place looks just the same, and the feelings we share are equally strong. So much has happened; so much has changed, yet so many things are stil the way they were, just like when I left them.

Just came back from hanging out, just like the old times. Catching up, telling corny jokes and indulging in silly humour - wouldn't believe that all of us are pretty smart Uni grads. :) Just having a good time in general. There's no stress, no pressure, no expectations. We all know and love one another so well that anything goes. Ahhh such bliss.

Didn't realise how much my peeps made a diffence in my life. And the whole environment too. Sigh. Let me indulge in these happy moments...

why am i not happy?

I'm a girl who pretty much has everything. There's nothing much that I'm deprived of really. Nothing except absolute freedom. I guess even then it's more because of my personal sense of responsibility, that I perceive myself to lack such freedom. If I really want to leave and pursue something entirely different from what I'm currently doing, no one can really stop me. Technically that is the case. But in truth, there's more than one thing holding me back. Or perhaps I just lack courage. Cowardice. Maybe that's it. But will leaving really solve my problems? Especially when I don't even know where the problem lies, or what the problem is. Maybe there's not even a problem; and it's just me being all melancholy over nothing. I don't know. All I know is that I've been happier. Much happier. And I want to get back to that you know. To be my usual happy self. But how? How do I get back to that point of satisfaction, where my life is in perfect equilibrium? I hate my melancholy self. And I know it won't last, for it's not the first time I feel this way. It comes to haunt me once in a while, ruining my moments of happiness. Hate the joy that's like this. For this is not inherently me. Give me back my mirth.

joy joy

That's all me alright.

(mr) lonely

Lonely
I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody
To call my own

Loneliness is a terrible feeling. And it's amplified when you need someone to lean on and you realise that there's no such person in your life. Sometimes you may be surrounded by people who do care about you, and truly want to be there for you. But the fact is, you need that special someone whom you will always turn to in times of trouble/sadness/depression/general fucked up feeling. And to know that this part of your life is missing leads to loneliness. Damn alcohol, the insidious depressant.

online diary part deux

Phew. Finally finished moving all my previous posts from my old blog to this new space. Didn't know I needed to pay for the old host. They mentioned it was free! To show my wilful defiance, I left. So here's my new space. It's been an incredulously busy week, work wise. I've been going through it kinda half-assed, since my heart is already inching its way to Vancouver, where I'll be flying to very soon, spending close to two weeks with my best friends. Yoohoo! I really can't wait. But it's weird. For mixed with this anticipation is also a feeling of almost-sadness, thinking how I'd have to leave my baby behind. Okay, fine, I know it's only two weeks. But really, it's not as if we've been spending a lot of time together. But anywayyyy, I'm excited to create new memories with my guys and gals in van - reliving the happy times when we were ALWAYS together. Why can't life be as simple and carefree as before? Sigh.

There are two things missing from my life right now: 1. Competitive dancing 2. my buddies in Vancouver. I know I have some great friends here, and I love them. But my peeps in Vancouver, they are different. They are like my family. They understand me, love me for who I truly am, flaws and all. And they are always there for me. ALWAYS. No matter when, or under which circumstances, whenever I need them, they will always be there. And I do the same for them. So I'm really excited at the prospect of spending time with them again.

what words mean to me

posted Sunday, Jul 30 9:38 am

I was having a casual discussion with a friend lately about why reading has been such an important part of my life. And I'm talking about reading books - literature, be it classic, modern, or contemporary. Good writers always manage to string together apparently simplistic words together to form the deepest and most provocative meanings. When reading a piece by a somewhat talented writer, I not only see the world through his/her eyes, but also relate the content of his story back to my life, and re-interpret them based on my personal experiences. While words possess denotative meanings, and a story often has its own moral value or intention, what one derives from the story I feel, is still a pretty subjective affair. So then one may fall in love with a piece of literature because the way the words are put together echo the thoughts and/or emotions of the reader.

Spent the weekend finishing up this book by Mil MIllington, "love and other near death experiences." Like I told my friends, this is a sardonic book full of dark humour. The story tells of a man's quest for self-discovery, the search for the meaning of life, and essentially, the search for life's hapiness. Of course, this is barely scratching the surface. The personal enjoyment I derived from the book is seeing bits and pieces of myself through these characters. I see through them the moments of depression, self-questioning, delusions, hopelessness that taint my otherwise joyful personality and positive outlook of life. The search for something, that essential something that I know is still somehow missing from my life; the longing for solutions, answers...they are all there.

Then I came to the end of the book, and was struck by this particular paragraph:
"The annoying thing about time is that it takes time...but no amount of it is too long to wait throughwhen you're waiting to be sure. However much we might believe, and wish, it were true, you can't really be sure of what you feel however intensely and seriously and constantly you examine your thoughts and emotions. You can be really sure only by forcing yourself to wait: time alone can tell you what will last."
Voila, the closest thing to an answer I was looking for.

I'm sure those of you who are reading this entry and actually managed to survive up to this point, would be slightly confused as to why this seem to the painfully obvious answer to my problem/question.

It's simple really. It's love. Sometimes love makes one feel unsure - unsure about a whole range of things. Worse still, at times, even unsure of the love itself; of what love is, what love really means, and what love entails. How should true love make one feel/act? How could one be sure? But questions questions questions - if I don't stop questioning, how would I be able to feel free to enjoy what I have? While searching for an answer, I might be missing the entire process. While focusing too much on a solution or a destination, I miss out on the enjoyment of the journey, which really should be the focus of my life right now. After all, I've always told myself that it's the journey that's important for me. Not just in love, but in everything else. For who knows what will happen tomorrow? No one can decide what will happen tomorrow, but today is in our hands.

So again, the answer is time. Examining thoughts and emotions boil down to simple logic - cold hard facts. But with a lot of things, relying on logic isn't the way. Better let things unfold themselves, then deal with them as they come.

Sometimes I'm amazed at how much words, written and spoken can affect me. They can salvage me from bad situations; yet they are equally capable of destroying me. Maybe if I were less of a drama queen and more of an airheaded reader of COSMO...life will be a much simpler ride. ;)

i will always be happy

posted Monday, Jul 24 10:16 am

Someone told me recently, "do whatever makes you happy." I agree with this. One can be either happy or sad, and I choose to be happy. But sometimes it's not that simple or straightforward. The thing that makes you happy can be the very thing that makes you very very sad. When you care about something so much, whatever threatens it would make you sad. When something that makes you so happy may slip away from you, that very source of happiness turns into the reason for your sadness. Ironic isn't it? So even though technically you need to sever the source of your sadness, by doing so, you might well be severing your source of happiness. Such a dilemma. What to do when faced with such a situation? My usual solution - ... uate. It's not purely logic, but also about how you feel overall. In any case, whatever decision you eventually make, make sure you'll eventually be happy about it. There's no room for regret. No point to regret anyway. When one chooses to do something - a decision that's well thought out and not a result of wilfulness or rashness, the motivation behind it must be an effort towards creating a better situation for oneself. Simply speaking, when I choose to do something, it must be because the decision will create a better outcome for myself. The ending will make me happier. Knowing this, my position is quite clear. Ball's out of my court. I know what makes me happy and what will make me happy. So I've made my choice. Now it's out of my hands. Whatever happens, I know I will always be happy about the choice I've made. Anything that hampers it, I'll just have to deal with. But I'm joy. I was born to be happy. And I will always be.

addicted to golf

posted Sunday, Jul 23 8:47 am

I really like golfing. I never thought I'd say this. In the beginning, I have more of a careless attitude towards golf - just another sport I picked up. But later on, as I get to know more about the game, played more, screwed up more and yet hit more reasonably okay shots, I start to like the game even more. It's a very challenging game in many ways. So many things to think about: which club to use depending on the distance and the nature of the course, where the wind is blowing, whether the green is sloped or uphill, reading and estimating the distance, aiming etc etc. Gave me a headache whenever I play for real. But despite the frustrations I feel whenever play badly, which is pretty often, I still enjoy the game at the end of it all. I love the challenge. And boy, is it a good workout. Whoever says golf is an old man's game must not have tried golfing for real. And everytime I play, I learn something new, be it on the range or on the course. Of course I can't say much since I haven't played that much at all. But anyway, the point is, I LIKE GOLF! And...there's the bimbo-ish side of it. I get to wear all these nice golfing outfits, caps, accessories, shoes etc. I know I know, it shouldn't matter. But it does to me! I feel motivated when I look good and am dressed for the occasion. Just like how I like to look hip hop when I go for hip hop classes, look saucy and latin for latin dancing, and jazzy with my little shorts and leg warmers for jazz. Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a drama queen. I just LOVE to look the part.

The big problem about this new addiction to golf however, is the high expenses that come with it. It's an expensive game. And being so involved in it means I have to shop less. MUCH LESS that is. It's a sacrifice I'll have to make. Well, I'm willing to invest this time and money into golf though. It's a good focus for me since I've lost the competitive side of dancing...for now at least. And it doesn't look like I can get back into it anytime soon. SO.

my first golfing experience

posted Sunday, Jul 2 1:53 pm

I played on the golf course for the very first time today. Sure, it's only a 9-hole public course. But still, the feeling is very different from mere driving in the range. Quite nerve wrecking in the beginning I must say. Much more so when you have a bunch of people waiting behind you. Couldn't really take time to prepare and all. But it was great overall. I played okay...not too bad for my first time. At least I didn't make any major screw ups (according to my veteran companion) :p. So that was a relief. I definitely need to play again soon. And I was also dressed for the occasion, decked in my new golfing outfit. Woohoo! Wonderful. If I can't play, the least I could do is to look like I can. Now that sounds really bimboish doesn't it? Heck, I love dressing up. Sue me. Anyway, it's too bad we didn't manage to take any pictures for several reasons: 1. I left my camera in the car (though I could have retrieved it if I really wanted to). 2. There wasn't any third party to help us take pics anyway. 3. This was a public course and everyone was hot on one another's tails, so taking pics would really slow us down and would inevitably piss a lot of asses. So pics were out of the question. Still I wish we had taken a pic of us in our outfits. At least I can have something to remember this day by. Sigh. There'll be next time though. So I'm not too worried. I'll wear the outfit again. Ha ha.

pensive

posted Sunday, Jul 2 7:05 am

Sometimes I'm torn between facing (again) and repressing/avoiding my negative emotions. I know the latter is unhealthy and too much of so doing will end up making things worse, especially if one day all the negative emotions decide to unleash itself. But very often, I try using logic to analyse whether or not what I feel is reasonable, or if I am merely being overtly demanding or difficult. I'm generally not an emo person; pretty easygoing with most things and I don't focus on negatives. I try not to, and I usually succeed. My philosophy: you can either be happy or sad, and I choose to be happy. But I'm a mere infallible mortal (plus I'm a girl), so there are things that do upset me emotionally. I don't really throw tantrums however. It's not my style. But I am usually unable to hide my feelings either, because I consider myself a really open, honest, and sincere person. Especially to the ones I love. I don't put on a front, because I can't. So then, back to the same problem. My head tells me that I shouldn't focus on whatever that upsets me, and instead focus my attention and energy on other things that make me happy. But that's just avoiding the problem isn't it? Even if it subsides now, there's no guarantee it won't come back to haunt me later. Right? So what's the best thing I can do? The bad thing is, I always keep rather quiet about these things, using "I am not good at expressing my emotions" to cover up everything. Even though I know the best thing to do is probably to talk about it. But can I really talk about it logically and objectively, without getting all emotional and risk saying things I don't mean, or expressing myself negatively? The thing is, having been accustomed to being independent since young (8 years old mind you), I've learnt to try to deal with problems on my own. I have this mentality of not bothering others - that I won't inflict my unhappiness on others, or affect other people's mood with my negative feelings. The tragic thing however, is that I don't always succeed. Sad isn't it? And when this happens, the sense of loneliness that I sometimes feel will resurface. How can one be surrounded by so many people and yet still feel lonely? If I really have no friends, why would I be rejecting offers to go out week after week. What the f do I really want?

When I'm upset like this, I'll have this strong urge to dance. Dance is a release for me, allowing me to focus my entire body, mind and soul on a passion, without caring about much else. But the dancing I'm doing now is different. Yes, I enjoy every moment, and I look forward to taking classes a couple times each week. Yet there's no focus. There's no end point, nothing to look forward to. There's nothing to work for. Without the competitions, the performances, dancing is merely a temporary release for me. It's like a very delicious but limited appetizer - there only to whet my appetite but unable to satiate. Depressing.

How do I deal with this? What should I do? Just try to push it out of my mind? Sleep on it and hope it'll go away? Occupy myself with other things so I won't have the time nor energy to think about it? I'm just deluding myself, ain't I?

Human beings are blessed with the ability to feel, express, rationalise, and make sense of things. It puts us above other animals in the animal kingdom. But sometimes I think it's a curse. I look at my cats and they are such happy creatures. Satisfied with their good home, nourishing meals, and plenty of sleep. But of course, they are also showered with much love and affection. I envy them.

dancing again

posted Wednesday, Jun 28 12:01 am

I may be dancing again! The word is "may" because, even though we've tried out and arranged for a first lesson next week, we still don't know for sure how well we'll work together. After all, we have very different styles, and while both of us are rusty from stopping for too long, he does have a lot more competition experience than I do. So we'll see how it could work out. The good thing is, both of us seem to be quite easygoing people. So I'm sure we'll get along fine. No doubt I'm used to dancing with giants, and he's not exactly a giant. But I think it can work out. I just need to shrink a little, that's all...:p I can do that. Not a mean feat.

This new dancing prospect is really exciting. I have been missing the rush I get from competitive Latin dancing. It's been a while since I last competed (over 9 months!) It's truly a long time. Long enough. Hopefully we'll be able to compete soon. We'll see how it works out. For now, I'm just happy to be able to dance again. :) Yay!

posted Saturday, Jun 24 7:52 pm

I drink too much coffee, black with no sugar. It calms me down. I think for me, coffee is like a security blanket. When I wake up in the morning, the first 'food' I crave is coffee. When I'm sleepy, I need coffee. When I'm cold, I want a cup of hot coffee. When I feel angry/mad/sad/frustrated, I need a cake...and coffee. You get the point. So then people keep telling me, "too much coffee is bad for you!" and being a body-conscious health freak, you'd think I'll set my mind to banishing this bad habit, to at least cut down my consumption from 3-5 cups a day to just 1-2. But nooooo. Instead, I drink more. The concomitant problem that accompanies this is carbohydrate consumption. With more coffee, I crave sweet stuff to complement the bitterness of the coffee. This means more cakes/pastries/chocolates etc. Bad for me. So consciously, I control myself.

So I try to analyse what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm stressed out that I use coffee the way some people use cigarrettes - as a form of mind-clearing substance; an aid to restore balance in an unclear mind. But why the hell would I be stressed out? Can't pinpoint to a particular reason or reasons for it. Sometimes I think it's general boredom - the distant relative of mid-life crisis. I'm too young to feel this way! But I do. Why???

Because of this, I keep myself as busy as possible, cos' activities make me happy; makes me feel productive, like I'm living my life to the fullest. But I know ultimately it makes me a little bit of an escapist. But at this point, I'm really not in the mood to overanalyse and be all dramatic about stuff.

Just take it easy, live happy. Drink more coffee.

primary school reunion

posted Friday, Jun 23 1:32 pm

Just came back from my first real primary school reunion, meeting old classmates, most of whom I haven't seen since we graduated about 12 years ago. It's interesting how close we all still are, despite the 12 years in between. As we chatted over drinks, so many memories were spilled; so many reminices of the past. Amazing how we can still remember little details from our childhood days, things we used to do, whom used to bully whom, one another's chinese/dialect names etc. It was unbelievable.

We may have physically transformed (though some still remained the same), deep down inside, a part of us retain the childlike nature carried over from our past childhood. We share the same understanding of one another's occasional childishness and feeble attempts at making corny jokes. And we forgive one another for that. There was just this very comfortable feeling. And none of us seemed to want to leave, even though we spent close to sixe hours purely talking.

All of a sudden, I feel as if my circle of good friends has magically widened. The thirst of a similar companionship previously provided by my beloved Vancouverites, is now slightly quenched by the presence of these people who have re-entered my life. Of course the first time is always great. We will see how many of us will actually keep in touch and how many continue to come for the gathering. In the meantime, let me revel in the joy of newfound friendships.

in retrospect #1

posted Thursday, Jun 15 11:19 am

You know you're getting older when you start wondering where your kid sisters are when they are not home at night; when you start sms-sing them, trying to get them to come home earlier. In other words, you start behaving like their mom instead of their older sister. Or should I say I start behaving like my mom towards my sisters. Actually such behaviour stems less from the desire to control my sisters' movement or to so-called prevent them from straying. Rather, the action is coupled with a sense of envy for their freedom and carefree attitude. Things are really different when one is a student. There's just so much more dispensable time for fun and entertainment, less committment to anything and everything. Especially if you are in a university or any other similar tertiary institutions, your time is even more flexible. Technically, you won't even be penalised if you choose to miss classes, as long as you don't fail your exams as a result.

I remember having so much time on my hands I could spend entire afternoons watching reruns of Seinfeld, Friends, Sex and the City, Frasier, Fresh Prince of Belair, Yes Dear etc etc - all while keeping myself busy with housework, which truly was quite therapeutic to be honest. Those were good times. And then there are all those late night sharing sessions with my friends at Dennys, our usual hangout, the poker nights, movie marathons, more poker nights, PS2 cum pool nights, more poker nights...It was endless. Of course not to forget the 12-15 hours spent on dancing every week, preparations for competitions and performances, Robson Square performances and all those things. Life was good. I miss all that.

Of course everyone has to move on to other life stages. Once you get past that stage as a student, you have to take on 'real' responsibilities like working/making a living/establishing and achieving career goals. And to reward yourself for the hard work you've put in your work, you try to play as hard as you can. For most people, it involves alcohol and a hell lot of smoke. Not for me though. I am happy immersing myself in sports and activities; killing my body in the process by indulging in too much exercise. But I enjoy it. Keeps me happy. While these can somewhat be convenient substitutes for all those activities I've enjoyed as a student in Van, there are still missing elements - namely time and company. As a working person, your time no longer belongs to you. Instead, it's subject to restrictions set up by your company's rules and policies. I could no longer sleep in after a particularly tiring session at gym or dance class and only risk missing a lecture or a tutorial. No more such privillege being a working girl. Then there's the company. Before, there was a group of like-minded people with similar levels of freedom whom I can get together with to do the activities we all enjoy - ad hoc. There's no need for planning in advance, fitting into a certain schedule and all that crap. All we needed was a phone call and we'll get together. And I also miss that.

I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. Apparently my 'gang members' in Van feel the same way. It's just the stage of life we are in right now. It's a transition period from a student to a 'real contributing member of the society' (how lame is this phrase).

The good thing is, this can be a very interesting point in our lives where we really decide what we want to do, where we want to go, what/who we like, how and when we want to achieve our goals, and ultimately, what will make us happy in the end. That is assuming we don't get too consumed with work and get ourselves trapped in the circle of work where everything else is inaccessible. That's what I think anyway. I would rather try to have as balanced a lifestyle as possible, doing what I like and spending time with whomever I feel make me happy. At the same time, I'd want to have time for myself so I can ponder and see things in retrospect. I know it sounds like a lot to ask for, but I believe I deserve and can do that.

I'm a lucky girl. I pretty much have whatever I want right now in my life. What I need to do is make the best of it, maximise my potentials and using my advantages to the fullest. So I try to do the best I can in everything. And most importantly, I aim to be happy everyday. After all, if I claim to have almost everything I could ever want and still can't be happy, how should other people who aren't as fortunate feel?

I know 100% is difficult to achieve consistently. But I am determined to try.

self understanding

posted Sunday, Jun 11 8:12 pm

I think it's human nature to always be searching for a reason and an explanation for everything. Everything that's happened seems to be a result of a cause; an action-reaction theory. So I was beating myself up for having negative emotions; constantly asking why I was feeling that way and trying to find a scapegoat or a couple of scapegoats in fact, who are responsible for making me feel that way. Naturally I got even more upset, since the supposed reasons for making me upset all sounded incredibly lame and unconvincing, even to my own ears. So I felt confused and frustrated, since there was no way I could have let others understand how I felt, considering I couldn't even understand it myself.

But sleep helps, as it always does. With a somewhat clearer mind, I realise that there was really no need for me to feel bad about feeling bad. Doesn't make sense? Well, it's simple really. There are times when bad feelings surface for no apparent reason, reminding me that I am really just a vulnerable human. The best way to deal with it really, is to just let the emotions go and they'll eventually go away. Unless you know the underlying factors that trigger these emotions, this would be the best way to do it. Once I have accepted this, I naturally feel better.

Nothing's wrong with me. After all, as I've stated in my self-description, I can be unexpectedly melancholy. Once I get a few things done, I know I'll bounce back to normal. And the happy joy joy will return. ;)

negative emotions

posted Sunday, Jun 11 8:32 am

I guess that's why people say life ain't perfect. Cos' it isn't. I thought I was satisfied with how things are going with my life right now, and that I couldn't and wouldn't ask for more. But somehow, there's still unexplainable dissatisfaction deep within me that's slowly surfacing. It's a very annoying feeling - a hotchpotch of negative emotions that I'm trying very hard to control. I feel lost - not knowing where I'm going, or if what I'm doing now is really what I want to do. And I feel as if there's no one I can really talk to, because there are things I feel that I can't explain. And at times like this, I wish I was back in Vancouver, where my best friends are. I think those were the times when I could best express how I really feel, whenever I am down. I take some time to coherently express my emotions. And they are the ones who will really spend time to listen and try to understand me.

It's funny how you can be surrounded by so many people and still feel lonely. Why do I feel this way? I hate such vulnerability. Frustrating.

horror love stories

posted Monday, Jun 5 4:03 am

I seem to be hearing a lot of horror stories about failed or failing relationships of late. A break up here, a divorce there, or a mutually destructive relationship hanging by a thread...not exactly the most encouraging thing to hear, for a person who still believes in love such as I. To make things worse, someone I thought was a die-hard romantic actually asked me if romantic relationships are even "worth it". I was stunned.

It appears that a lot of people seem to value romantic relationships like commodities - with an ultimate question in mind whenever they get into one: Is it worth it? Such worth encompasses a whole bunch of factors such as investments in time, effort, and sometimes money; emotional dependence and vulnerability and so on. Then when the relationship doesn't work out, or if the future doesn't look promising, they look back and deem it a waste of time. How pathetic that is! To live a life fearing to fall in love and being tied into a relationship. Just because the future is uncertain. How sad it is if everytime you want to be with someone, all you think about is what the relationship can lead to in a year or two years' time.

It's true that one's heart is not always reliable; and that love can be blind. That's why I think that the heart and the mind must work together in attempting a relationship. While it doesn't guarantee a happy ending, the important thing is that you've tried. Isn't it?

the taming of the shrew

posted Thursday, Jun 1 8:52 pm

My dad used to say that I have a very bad temper and that anyone who could stand my temper must be a really patient person. I told him, "I got it from you." And yes, I admit that my temper was not something I was proud of. Aside from the tendency to flare up easily, there's also the intolerance, the impatience, the willfulness. All in this otherwise joyful package. Thanks (and no thanks) to such traits, I gravitated towards more easygoing people who could accept such flaws in my personality. Their tolerance only spoiled me further. Even bored me sometimes. Though this cannot be applied to all cases. And thus I grew up thinking that this is the way I'm always going to be - bad tempered, spoiled, and unreasonable. What a horrible combination!

It was only recently I realised that I am actually capable of being the complete opposite of how I used to be. (Maybe I wasn't actually as bad as I thought I was). But I'm actually quite amazed at myself for how different I reacted at some situations compared to the way I did before, under similar circumstances. Krrrrazzyyy. As I would put it. So I came to the conclusion that it all boils down to an action-reaction factor. It's not so much what kind of personality type you are and how easygoing you are. The more important thing is how you react towards certain people and what kind of traits they bring out in you. No doubt, some traits are inherent, and there's very little one can do to change them. But these traits translate differently depending on one's interaction with others.

Now the question is, how consistent can you be? Say you're patient now, how long can you be patient for? Also, in the course of taking all things in your stride; looking at all things from a positive point of view, are you suppressing any of the negativity deep down inside? Because if you are, then it's just a volcano waiting to erupt. If I were to look within myself, I could sincerely say that the change is not forced. There's very little negativity that I keep with me, even if they are remnants of things that have made me very very upset. I attribute it to two things: 1. I'm a generally positive person, my motto being: you can choose to be happy or sad. I choose to be happy. 2. I have a selectively poor memory; refusing to remember things that make me upset. Blocking them all out. Scary says some. Effective, I say. (Remember Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). =)

Anyway, I'm happy. It's been helping me I'd say - both in terms of personal and my corporate lives. Corporate wise, the crude term for it is being thick-skinned. Ie. Not easily offended by things that people say, which for some sensitive individuals, can totally be taken the wrong way. Easygoing baby. Works for me.

So dad, I think I got it from mom, not you. ;)

lazy friday

posted Friday, May 19 2:27 am

TGIF indeed. It's been a pretty busy week - a pretty busy 2 weeks in fact. What with all the client appointment (aka entertaining) that had to be done. I've been in and out of the office this whole time, trying to manage both client-servicing and administrative matters at once. All that without having to stay for overtime. So I'm glad Friday's finally here. Frankly, I feel rather unmotivated to work (even though I've been administratively productive). Which is why I'm here "scribbling" on my much neglected blog at 3.14pm in the afternoon. Really looking forward to the weekend when I can have a more relaxing time just doing my own thing and spending a little quality time with my loved ones. Especially him of course. :)

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed behind in Vancouver upon graduation. Would I still be actively competing? Would I have a good job I can fall back on? Would I be happy? Would I have someone I truly care about and could dote on? Isn't it strange, what life has in store for one? To think I was so resistant about coming back to Singapore and leaving my life in Vancouver behind. I was happy back then. Life was good indeed. But often there were times when my life was just "okay"; where everyday I wake up to each day feeling a lack of enthusiasm - going about each day with a neutral mode. It's not a bad feeling. But there was no real joy, no enthusiasm, no fire. And I didn't like that.

Now I almost always wake up happy; facing each day with renewed enthusiasm, even on the toughest, most dreary days. No doubt I feel bored/frustrated/angry/sad/upset/depressed sometimes. But the feeling usually won't last as they would often be overwhelmed by the inherent joy I feel inside. My life feels fulfilled. And I am happy and completely satisfied.

I truly hope such a feeling stays with me. It'll signal trouble once I feel that my life is at a standstill, and I start waking up to a mundane routine - living life like a zombie. Not looking forward to such a possibility. But I'm not too worriedm for I know the joy inside me won't allow it.

TGIF. 2.5 hours to the weekend. Yay!

dating ain't easy

posted Saturday, Apr 15 2:22 pm

Dating is a rather complex process I would need to get used to. Especially when it comes to serious dating where you see the person as someone really special you can hold close to your heart. Someone you can share your joy and your pain, laughter and tears. Your best friend and companion for that moment in your life. Even if it's only for that moment.

There's a tumultous period where you try to get to know each other as much as you can. Not just from what he says or do. Rather, from what he doesn't. And he does the same thing. The problem is that sometimes misunderstanding occurs because we assume certain things that might not be true or accurate. And when this happens, you can't really blame anyone because whatever conclusions one comes to are based on previous experiences. Yes, one can't generalise based on previous happenings because each situation is different; each person is different. But we are humans. We analyse our world from what we know; the tried and tested. And when one party's past experience vastly differs from the other, the misunderstanding occurs, way too easily. That's when trouble arises.

I used to think that such dating is way too much work for me. It's tough because you go through a an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes you're so happy you feel that the world is truly a wonderful place, that your life is perfect the way it is now; that if you freeze this moment, you're at a plane of complete happiness and utter satisfaction. Yet other times you may feel so low and dejected that you can neither eat nor sleep, and the words "why why why" keep repeating over and over again in your screwed up little head. It's this extreme. My heart couldn't take it, I used to think. Much more so considering how spoiled I've been by my previous relationships, where everything starts from long friendships where we've already gained a deep understanding of each other, and would understand why one party behaves the way they do, without much explanation. Yet, perhaps that's the trouble. When friendship is the basis of the relationship, the spark may not be there. And then you'll lose the feeling of being in love. Instead, comfort and habit form the foundation of the relationship. Which is great if you're married to each other for 20 years or something. But for a dating relationship, it gets too still. Then you wonder if everytime you say "I love you", you truly feel the gush of uncontrollable feeling of love coming from deep within your heart, or if the phrase has become some kind of defense mechanism you subconsciously activate to convince yourself of the love you feel, whenever you doubt your love for the other person.

So the emotional rollercoaster may not be a bad thing. Sure, it'll be better if everything comes easier. But with each misunderstanding that can be rectified comes a new level of understanding. You'll learn to understand each other's expectations. What makes him tick, and what makes him sick. What the boundaries are within the relationship; how you should treat the relationship and what you want to get out of it. Everything. It's not easy, definitely not easy. But if you've worked for it, and you see the end result, it'll be so much sweeter in the end.

It gets to me sometimes, that I feel so damn helpless and not in control of the situation. I don't like such feeling of vulnerability. As if my head has stopped functioning and has surrendered the leash of control completely to my heart. When my heart says yes, I go for it. Yet, despite my prudish logical self, I allow myself to be driven by my heart. For when else can you really follow your heart in this cruel, cut-throat world. Only in the world of love. Even if it means setting yourself up for a heartache, it'll be worth it. Because you'll know that at least you've tried your best. You've followed through with what you want. You have fought for what you want and tried your best to get as close to it as you possibly can. And that's important. Besides, if the focus is on searching for happiness, the work is worth it. How far must you look to find someone whom you can sacrifice for? There's a twisted sense of happiness in sacrificing for love. I need to try it. It'll be good for me.

But of course, ultimately we both want to be happy. Should there be a time when happiness is no longer the outcome of what we're doing, then we know that it's time to stop. But for now, I hope we'll keep going. I hope it's just the beginning.

change

posted Tuesday, Apr 11 8:16 am

I've changed so much since I was young.

You'll change more.

Indeed, it's probably true. Though 25 years is not a long time to be alive, I'm amazed at how much I've changed through the years. Let's not mention physical changes. Mentally and emotionally, I've grown and changed. Then there are differences in personality and attitude. Views, visions, expectations, life directions - everything.

Temper
I used to think that a bad temper is inherent in me. That no matter how much I've grown and matured, I'll always have a bad temper. After all, I was the unreasonable kid who told everyone around me to shut up when they were making too much noise. And I was also one who would flare up at my loved ones, when differences in opinions arose. But now, I'm the easy going one. I don't get mad easily. And even when I do, I don't scream or shout. Rather, I'd be silent and try to think things through, for fear of saying things I don't mean. I don't want to hurt, neither do I want to be hurt. And a bad temper ignites quarrel and disagreements. It invites mutual verbal abuse, which leads to hurt pride, ego, and an injured heart. So I'm happy I've changed. And I hope it stays this way.

Selfishness
The world doesn't revolve around anybody in particular. But once upon a time, everything revolved around me. Or so I'd like to believe. It's always about what I want and how I feel. Lucky me, I've had patient and easygoing people by my side, who'll give in to my whims and fancies. Thinking back, I wonder if that's a blessing or a curse. As I learn to let go of such selfishness, which probably stemmed from the feel of a need to be defensive, I feel like a better person. I learn the meaning of compromise, of sacrifice. Putting others before myself. It's something new, but it makes me feel good inside. Not because I feel like a good person for sacrificing for others. But for the pride I have for my own absolute willingness to compromise for someone I really care for. It's an indescribable feeling.

Defensiveness
Learning to let go. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Being vulnerable. Taking chances. Not wondering what'll happen in the end, but trusting my instincts, listening to myself and my heart. It's the biggest change yet. For I've always been a pretty defensive person. Quite conservative if you will. I don't like to take chances. Well I didn't anyway. But now I do, and I will. In many aspects of my life, I learn to deal with uncertainties. It's exciting. For it's a rollercoaster feeling.

I've changed so much.

I'll change more. Probably.

by grand central station i sat down and wept

posted Thursday, Apr 6 12:34 pm

"I was taunted so long. The meaning fluttered above my head, always out of reach. Now it has come to rest in me. It has pierced the very centre of the circle. I love, love, love -, but he is also all things: the nights, the resilient mornings, the tall poinsettias and hydrangeas, the lemon trees, the residential palms, the fruits and vegetables in gorgeous rows, the birds in the peppertree, the sun on the swimming pool. There is no room for pity, of anything. In a bleeding heart I should find only exhilaration in the richness of the red." - Elizabeth Smart

________________________________________________________________________________________________

A revelation. I've been thinking for so long, searching for an answer to all my doubts and uncertainties, when all of a sudden it just hit me. There's no doubt, no uncertainty. Only love. For love warrants no fear, though it doesn't guarantee happiness. But focus on the love, and everything else ceases to matter as much. Even if it doesn't happen, at least I've tried. I've faced my fear of failure. And I've worked towards preventing what I fear most - to wake up one morning only to find that I have not loved.

love hurts

posted Wednesday, Apr 5 2:05 pm

Cliched but true, love does hurt. Why you may ask. Love is supposed to be this wondrous, inexplicable, magical phenomenon that leaves one happy beyond logical understanding. Yet it does bring hurt and pain. The most amazing thing about it, you seek this pain. It's something that one inflicts upon oneself when love comes knocking on the door. If the brain were the dominant organ, it would warn one to stay away, for it's absolutely illogical to voluntarily inflict pain on yourself, unless you're a sadomasochist. But love doesn't work this way.

Besides, love brings a special kind of pain. It's bittersweet. And the pain comes from sacrifice. The sacrifices you have to make when you cease to think only for yourself. The pain comes from uncertainty. The uncertainties love may bring - the inability to envision a future beyond what you have. For planning sometimes spoils everything. Melodramatic? A little I suppose. But being in a contradictory situation as such where you are torn between the desire to seek out some certainty of a future and the willingness to just enjoy the moment of happiness, is what brings the pain.

But the pain is good. It's good because then you know that you are truly human. That you are vulnerable, fallible, and emotional. It's good because you stop questioning and start feeling. It's good because just like the true spirit of giving, you stop wondering what you'll get in return.

No doubt, you may fall. The more joy you experience from loving someone, the more painful it'll be when you know you've lost it forever. So it's something to be prepared for. It's not exactly being pessimistic. Just realistic. Although such understanding of the possible failure will not decrease the pain you'll feel when you fall out of love, at least you'll be able to attain some kind of peace once the initial hurt subsides.

Embrace the love. Embrace the joy and happiness that love brings. But most of all, embrace the pain. Hurt a little, grow a little.

People keep telling me that at my age, I should be looking for someone whom I see as a potential life partner. But isn't it stressful, when this should be a prerequisite to fall in love? Then it loses the chemistry. Rather, it's like you're buying a pair of good shoes. You must like the design, and feel comfortable wearing them. And they must also be worth the money you'll be spending on them etc etc. I've tried this method. And the formula didn't work for me.

I'm not saying that the future isn't important. But I try to make things easier for myself. My criteria: I have to be happy. Happiness and contentment seem simple enough goals to achieve in life. But they are actually the most difficult. Especially if you're looking at consistent happiness and contentment. So for now, I'm just looking to be happy. Be it for a week, a month or a year, most importantly, I must be happy. And I am.

So sometimes I'm in pain. But I'm happily in pain. And no, I'm no sadomasochist.

an old friendship revived

posted Friday, Mar 10 8:38 am

Met an old friend I haven't seen in quite some time. Before I met her, I thought I'd lost her through time and distance. But our meeting proved me wrong. It's been some time since we shared a quiet and intimate moment like that, just filling each other in on the happenings in our lives. It made me happy that despite all skepticism on my part that our strong friendship was still alive, the bond we had established in the past still stand strong. Once we met and talked, really conversed - all that I once thought was gone, just returned in floods of happiness and relief.

It's true that we've both changed. We've grown and progressed in our separate directions. We are different people than we used to be. But eleven years of friendship has not been futile. While many things have changed, the friendship has metamorphasised into something more comfortable. Something that has its basis strongly on shared memories. The memories of the comfort and openness we once shared. The unspoken trust between us.

Finally I'm truly happy for her. For I now completely comprehend the reasons behind her decisions. And this is what I should have felt long ago. The way one's good friend should feel for one's happiness. This is real empathy.

My dad once repeated something we all know: that a few good friends in this lifetime are rare treasures. I'm somewhat of a realist. I believe that friendships change, and are sometimes lost. But there needs to be an effort to try preserve ones you know you'd like to keep by your side for as long as fate permits. And the time is now. For you'll never know when you'll lose the chance to do so.

posted Monday, Mar 6 9:55 pm

I just spent an entire sleepless night captivated by the book, devouring each page with a vigour I thought I no longer had for exceptional literature. Just earlier in the day I was questioning myself on how I would rate the many books I've read, and how I'd pick my favourites among the lot. I wondered if my fickleness that's evident in some things also exists in this department; if I'd have a new favourite each time I chance upon something new and something good. Then in the night, as I continued reading 'the shadow of the wind' from where I left off, determined to finish about ten pages before I hit the sack, I found myself unable to put the book down. I couldn't deny myself the pleasure of knowing what happens next.

There's a strange quality to the book, something almost magical. It's like a morbid fairytale with a happy ending, despite the seeming contradiction. While it's descriptive to a point that could almost disguise it as one of Stephen King's genre, it's also poignant, moving, profound, and highly mermerising. The precise morbidness of the story appeals to the essential dark side that's within us, while the direction towards a somewhat happy reconciliation tends to our want for a hopeful future.

The book tells a story about a book, about the author of the mystical book, about someone's life, about undying and selfless friendships and love, about living vicariously through others, and most of all, about living eternally through the memories of others.

This story begins with the fascination of a boy with a book he found in the Cemetery of Forgotten Books, a secret vault that held books long forgotten by people who used to own them. His fascination with the book extends to that of the mysterious author, of whom no one seems to know. Such fascination turns into an obsession where he seeks to find out everything he could about the author and his life. The story unfolds in the most dramatic fashion, revealing much about friendships and love in the process.

There are many times in the process of reading this book that I would chance upon something that the protagonist's hero wrote, and had to stop to ponder on those words.

"The moment you had to think whether or not you love a person, you have already stopped loving the person forever." I thought about it and wondered if it's possible that in the course of loving someone, one has never been plagued with doubts and uncertainty. Is there still a love this strong that there is no moment in time when one feels unsure if what he/she feels is true love, and if this would last him/her forever? When one stops to wonder, does it really mean that the love has ceased to exist? I suppose in a romantic world, this would be the case. True love is supposed to withstand the test of time, distance, and all the other annoyances in life. Just like Julian Carax could carry his love for Penelope till death, all marriage vows are structured to bind married couples till "death (do them) part." But I wonder at the validity and practicality of such a notion at this present time. As cynical as I may seem, it's not with such mentality that I question such an assertion. It's just that it appears to me as a terribly unforgiving accusation at someone, if one were to be accused of having forsaken his love for his lover if he ever stopped to doubt or wonder. Human beings are fallible. Times of vulnerabilities should be allowed. If one doesn't stop to wonder, how would he know that his love for the lover is not there due to habit, duties, or any other explanations other than true, blind, inexplicable love?

"Books are mirrors of ourselves. We see in the books what we already have within us." We live vicariously through the characters in the books we read. We transform into who we want to be and can't be in this world of fiction. Yet no matter what we metamophorse into, the characters reflect qualities that we already see in ourselves. Especially the side of us that we know exist but try to suppress or even repel, for reasons beyond our control. While I smirk and mock at characters who sacrifice for love, I might secretly wish I could do the same, even though I know that given the chance, I still wouldn't. Because I won't have the courage. Because I would remain silent. And "silence are for cowards."

'The shadow of the wind' gives me a newfound understanding of my love for reading. It reminds me of the power of words and how much words could affect me; sometimes empowering, and at other times, defeating. Reading is a grown-up way of playing make-believe. Once you throw yourself completely into the world of fiction, you allow yourself to be temporarily removed from the reality, however desirable or undesirable it is.

There are books that left you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. There are books that make you go 'wow!' Then there are a few select books that you'd want to read and reread. And each time, you'll gain a new understanding and a new bit of enjoyment added to what you've gained from the previous read. This is one such book.

note(s) to self

posted Tuesday, Feb 28 8:16 am

I recently realised that I've been giving myself way too many 'note to self'. Here are some instances:

-Went to the office today to meet the HR personnel, and asked the receptionist to inform her while I waited. Smiled to a couple of the office girls but did not introduce myself. Note to self: must take the initiative to be friendly to office girls to ensure survival at the workplace.

-HR personnel was mildly incompetent, missing out blanks, not following instructions, missing out essential pages etc etc. I was rather annoyed and would have rolled my eyes. But...note to self: learn to be tolerant and patient towards idiosyncracies. Need this in the working world.

-Was at my make up class yesterday, (we were learning the right way to achieve flawless complexion using foundation), and I accidentally scraped too much foundation that I eventually had to throw out. The result: wastage and an ugly and unecessary scrape mark on my otherwise close to perfect pallete. Note to self: please be gentle on all make up products next time. Such a clumsy oaf! (And I couldn't stop thinking about this matter for the next couple of hours. Okay, more than just a couple.)

-Mom, aunt and I were talking about cars and how I was going to commute to work, and I complained about how my sister's car is unsuitable for my personality. I wasn't very tactful when I said this. Aunt said I should be grateful to have a car to drive. Agreed. Note to self: I should be more tactful when expressing myself to avoid sounding like an arrogant, unappreciative, spoiled bitch.

-A couple of days ago, at my second interview, I babbled on and on about my work experience, when asked to list some of my experiences. And due to a combination of nerves and lack of preparation in my head, I spoke too fast and was semi-incoherent. I sounded less eloquent than I was capable of. Note to self: learn to speak calmly and plan everything in my head before I spit them out like verbal diarrhoea. Makes better impression this way. Because of this, I gave my performance a 6.8/10 instead of 8.5.

-This afternoon, I thought about my tendencies to blame myself for imperfections in the things I do or say, and wondered if I have a psychological problem. Mom says I am a perfectionist, and that's why I'm like this. But I truly believe that there's no perfection in this world. Only an attempt to be not as flawed as we could otherwise be; but not the ability to achieve perfection. Note to self: ask b if such relentless pressure placed on self to be as good as I can be is pathological.

There you have it. The note(s) to self I can remember. Now, note to self: try to be more forgiving of self and not fret over little things like the accidental dog ears made on worksheets and books...

seeking true love

posted Sunday, Feb 26 12:16am

Just finished watching the last episode of a cheesy Taiwanese drama - Heaven's Robe. (Yes, I'm a closet fan). The basis for the drama is the love story between an unlikely couple - an uneducated farm girl and a foreign-educated fashion designer. Their love was met by many difficulties - their background differences, rivalries by other boys and girls...very typical of dramas like that. As expected, the drama had a happy ending, which is what the audience would like.

Maybe I should kick myself for liking a show as such, and religiously following its developments week after week. After all the story is painfully predictable and the acting mediocre. But what draws me to it, and I'm sure is the reason why many girls (and boys) would like it, is the idea of searching for and finding true love.

I think human beings are inherently emotional and romantic. No matter how much we try to be logical and objective towards everything in life, love is something that will be our archiles' heel. Yes, love can be illogical. It's love that may lead us to do illogical and sometimes inane things. It's when we feel love that we stop listening to our heads, and start listening to our hearts. Despite getting burned at times, we never give up on love. We continue looking for it, and sacrificing for it. While we can have everything in the world, we don't stop until we find love.

I'm sure some people won't admit it. But as the world gets richer and better, and people get busier and busier, we try even more desperately to find love. Lust is easy; love isn't.

That's why it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy deep down inside to see those characters who are in love, finally being able to be together forever. No doubt it's all an act. But these are the times when suspension of disbelief becomes extremely useful.

I wonder how much I could sacrifice for love. Or rather, how much I WOULD. When the love becomes that strong, would the question even form in my head? While seeking true love, is it permissible to disregard all other factors that may be important to me otherwise? I suppose not. But can I have the best of both worlds I wonder.

I'll cross the bridge when I get there.

got the job

posted Friday, Feb 22, 2:22pm

I got the job! Met up with the boss today and had another hour of interview. He seemed keen to hire me, explaining to me in detail what the company is all about and the role he's expecting the person filling this position to fit. It's an exciting industry: fast paced, challenging, volatile, competitive. Like he said, there's never a dull moment. Enough said, I was sold. More so when he immediately agreed to my expected salary. No bargaining needed. I'm obviously excited about this move in my career path. Such a deciding moment in my life. I hope I can really find my niche in this industry, for then it'll determine the next steps I'll be taking in the coming years. Fingers crossed.

because i am me

Wednesday, Feb 22, 3:33pm

Please read this only if you are: 1. an extremely curious human being, 2. trying to get to know me much better than you do, 3. utterly bored. Here's all you need to know about me, listed in point forms for your convenience.

I AM:

generally friendly, though can be rather aloof at times
sometimes impatient, especially when it comes to ignorance
occasionally temperamental and moody
genuine but can be rather tactless
straightforward and frank (sometimes unecessarily so)
a workaholic by nature
energised by a sense of achievement in all that I do
a perfectionist when it comes to the work I do
a romantic deep down with an apparent realism that no one can comprehend
a manifest of contradiction
unpredictable and mysterious
elusive at times when I need my space (which is quite often)
loyal when it comes to close friends but indifferent to some people
a competitive international latin dancer
I LIKE:

guys who are big and tall (180cm minimum)
guys who exercise and play sports
intelligent people (men AND women)
people who are confident enough to laugh at themselves
humorous and easy-going individuals
hip hop and latin music, including fusions
boxing with my trainer
elegant dresses that compliment my figure
make-up that matches my mood and outfit for the day
step classes by martin
black label on the rocks
canadian whisky (but not too much cos' it's VERY strong)
margarita from red lobster
perkins sleeping beside me every night
life of pi by yann martel
shopping for pretty clothes, shoes, accessories, and make-up
going to Borders to read and read and read
playing scrabble on the computer
tanning till my skin turns brown
dancing without caring about people around me
clubbing for free

it's PR I tell you

posted Wednesday, Feb 22, 3:06pm

Do note that I'm slightly drunk as I write this. Came back from a clubbing night out at MOS, organised by my friend's company as part of their socialisation night with their clients. I was there as a guest. So happens that I also went for a job interview at the company the very morning itself, thanks to my friend's recommendation of course, and ended up meeting the very people who interviewed me, as I attended the event. Of course it's a little bit strange, although also rather pleasant, to be able to socialise with the person on an equal basis, when just a while ago I was socialising with him as a superior.

Anyway, so I met most of the people from the company, from various departments. I was mostly introduced to the male employees of the company, since the ladies seemed to prefer keeping to their own elite group the whole night. Which was fine with me by the way. I got to meet the big bosses who are to determine whether or not I will be hired by the company. This was kind of cool, since it's rare for a prospective employee to have met all the big boys before he/she even got hired into the company. Very rare indeed. And it seemed that these big boys didn't mind me at all, and would like to speak with me further about the job and my possible involvement in it. So a second interview was pretty much guaranteed for me.

Anyway, the whole night involved a lot of PR; a lot of mingling among the people, speaking with them, joking, and at the same time networking with them. Finding out what they do and what their expectations are, are bonuses. After all, if I were to work in the company, the first thing I'd have to learn to know and remember is what everyone does and is responsible for. Only then would I be able to tackle each and every assignment as best as I can, with as most information on my hands as possible.

It sort of made me realise that deep down inside, I do enjoy public relations, and I think I'm quite good at it even. It's not even a matter of faking it. Most of the time, I just think about being myself and not conjure up some kind of lies to cover up my ignorance; wearing an unecessary mask to hide what I am really like inside. So I was myself, and with that, I even gained a couple of acquaintances, whom I believe I would learn to appreciate later on in my life.

So like I said, PR is the key to any successful business or ventures. I guess I realised that sometime ago, growing up in a family like mine. I am my dad's daughter after all, surely I've learnt a thing or two from him? But as time goes by, I am further convinced that in this world, sometimes your attitude may be more important than your aptitude. If you are good with people, and thus have a higher EQ than most, you would most likely get your way with pretty much everything. Isn't it unfair you say? Well, life is unfair sister. Get over it.

It's good for me though. I think I'm a natural people person. I have no qualms about talking to strangers, striking conversations with the most unlikely person about anything at all. And I'm comfortable doing that. So maybe PR is my destiny? People-relations, customer service...that may be my specialty.

Anyway, I think I've made an impression. Good or bad would be subjective. But an impression I've made for sure. Now I only have to wait for their call for a second interview. I've been told that it's going to be around the first week of March that they'd call me to confirm the second interview. But I'm not going to wait like a fool like last time. Since I'll have my hands full with my make up lessons, I'd definitely keep myself as busy as possible with this, so as to distract myself from the waiting process. After the second interview, which I believe would be rather brief, I would see what happens, and what the director's decision would be. Should I stay, I'd be rather happy. Of course considering the job is suitable for me. If not, that's okay as well. At least I've had fun this entire time, from the interview all the way till this night at MOS.

Now I hope Mr. Boss did not get too shocked by the way I drink and dance. And I hope this wouldn't influence his decision on hiring an employee. He seemed like a nice guy so I don't think he'd do it. But better be safe than sorry...But then again, there's really nothing I can do right now. The ball is on his court, it's his decision now that matters. The rest would just be empty talk.

All I have to do is wait.