pensive

posted Sunday, Jul 2 7:05 am

Sometimes I'm torn between facing (again) and repressing/avoiding my negative emotions. I know the latter is unhealthy and too much of so doing will end up making things worse, especially if one day all the negative emotions decide to unleash itself. But very often, I try using logic to analyse whether or not what I feel is reasonable, or if I am merely being overtly demanding or difficult. I'm generally not an emo person; pretty easygoing with most things and I don't focus on negatives. I try not to, and I usually succeed. My philosophy: you can either be happy or sad, and I choose to be happy. But I'm a mere infallible mortal (plus I'm a girl), so there are things that do upset me emotionally. I don't really throw tantrums however. It's not my style. But I am usually unable to hide my feelings either, because I consider myself a really open, honest, and sincere person. Especially to the ones I love. I don't put on a front, because I can't. So then, back to the same problem. My head tells me that I shouldn't focus on whatever that upsets me, and instead focus my attention and energy on other things that make me happy. But that's just avoiding the problem isn't it? Even if it subsides now, there's no guarantee it won't come back to haunt me later. Right? So what's the best thing I can do? The bad thing is, I always keep rather quiet about these things, using "I am not good at expressing my emotions" to cover up everything. Even though I know the best thing to do is probably to talk about it. But can I really talk about it logically and objectively, without getting all emotional and risk saying things I don't mean, or expressing myself negatively? The thing is, having been accustomed to being independent since young (8 years old mind you), I've learnt to try to deal with problems on my own. I have this mentality of not bothering others - that I won't inflict my unhappiness on others, or affect other people's mood with my negative feelings. The tragic thing however, is that I don't always succeed. Sad isn't it? And when this happens, the sense of loneliness that I sometimes feel will resurface. How can one be surrounded by so many people and yet still feel lonely? If I really have no friends, why would I be rejecting offers to go out week after week. What the f do I really want?

When I'm upset like this, I'll have this strong urge to dance. Dance is a release for me, allowing me to focus my entire body, mind and soul on a passion, without caring about much else. But the dancing I'm doing now is different. Yes, I enjoy every moment, and I look forward to taking classes a couple times each week. Yet there's no focus. There's no end point, nothing to look forward to. There's nothing to work for. Without the competitions, the performances, dancing is merely a temporary release for me. It's like a very delicious but limited appetizer - there only to whet my appetite but unable to satiate. Depressing.

How do I deal with this? What should I do? Just try to push it out of my mind? Sleep on it and hope it'll go away? Occupy myself with other things so I won't have the time nor energy to think about it? I'm just deluding myself, ain't I?

Human beings are blessed with the ability to feel, express, rationalise, and make sense of things. It puts us above other animals in the animal kingdom. But sometimes I think it's a curse. I look at my cats and they are such happy creatures. Satisfied with their good home, nourishing meals, and plenty of sleep. But of course, they are also showered with much love and affection. I envy them.