in retrospect #1

posted Thursday, Jun 15 11:19 am

You know you're getting older when you start wondering where your kid sisters are when they are not home at night; when you start sms-sing them, trying to get them to come home earlier. In other words, you start behaving like their mom instead of their older sister. Or should I say I start behaving like my mom towards my sisters. Actually such behaviour stems less from the desire to control my sisters' movement or to so-called prevent them from straying. Rather, the action is coupled with a sense of envy for their freedom and carefree attitude. Things are really different when one is a student. There's just so much more dispensable time for fun and entertainment, less committment to anything and everything. Especially if you are in a university or any other similar tertiary institutions, your time is even more flexible. Technically, you won't even be penalised if you choose to miss classes, as long as you don't fail your exams as a result.

I remember having so much time on my hands I could spend entire afternoons watching reruns of Seinfeld, Friends, Sex and the City, Frasier, Fresh Prince of Belair, Yes Dear etc etc - all while keeping myself busy with housework, which truly was quite therapeutic to be honest. Those were good times. And then there are all those late night sharing sessions with my friends at Dennys, our usual hangout, the poker nights, movie marathons, more poker nights, PS2 cum pool nights, more poker nights...It was endless. Of course not to forget the 12-15 hours spent on dancing every week, preparations for competitions and performances, Robson Square performances and all those things. Life was good. I miss all that.

Of course everyone has to move on to other life stages. Once you get past that stage as a student, you have to take on 'real' responsibilities like working/making a living/establishing and achieving career goals. And to reward yourself for the hard work you've put in your work, you try to play as hard as you can. For most people, it involves alcohol and a hell lot of smoke. Not for me though. I am happy immersing myself in sports and activities; killing my body in the process by indulging in too much exercise. But I enjoy it. Keeps me happy. While these can somewhat be convenient substitutes for all those activities I've enjoyed as a student in Van, there are still missing elements - namely time and company. As a working person, your time no longer belongs to you. Instead, it's subject to restrictions set up by your company's rules and policies. I could no longer sleep in after a particularly tiring session at gym or dance class and only risk missing a lecture or a tutorial. No more such privillege being a working girl. Then there's the company. Before, there was a group of like-minded people with similar levels of freedom whom I can get together with to do the activities we all enjoy - ad hoc. There's no need for planning in advance, fitting into a certain schedule and all that crap. All we needed was a phone call and we'll get together. And I also miss that.

I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. Apparently my 'gang members' in Van feel the same way. It's just the stage of life we are in right now. It's a transition period from a student to a 'real contributing member of the society' (how lame is this phrase).

The good thing is, this can be a very interesting point in our lives where we really decide what we want to do, where we want to go, what/who we like, how and when we want to achieve our goals, and ultimately, what will make us happy in the end. That is assuming we don't get too consumed with work and get ourselves trapped in the circle of work where everything else is inaccessible. That's what I think anyway. I would rather try to have as balanced a lifestyle as possible, doing what I like and spending time with whomever I feel make me happy. At the same time, I'd want to have time for myself so I can ponder and see things in retrospect. I know it sounds like a lot to ask for, but I believe I deserve and can do that.

I'm a lucky girl. I pretty much have whatever I want right now in my life. What I need to do is make the best of it, maximise my potentials and using my advantages to the fullest. So I try to do the best I can in everything. And most importantly, I aim to be happy everyday. After all, if I claim to have almost everything I could ever want and still can't be happy, how should other people who aren't as fortunate feel?

I know 100% is difficult to achieve consistently. But I am determined to try.