my dancing self

Went back for my jazz class yesterday evening after a 3-week absence. Really enjoyed the class as usual, especially since the dance was choreographed to one of my favourite songs: "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" from the movie CLOSER. (Breaks my heart everytime I listen to that song, especially since I bawled my eyes out when I watched that play-adapted movie - great movie). Anyway, despite the challenging and somewhat technical dance moves, I managed to shashay my way through the entire routine, though I must say I am super rusty. Plus the fact that jazz isn't exactly my strongest dance made it worse. After the class, the instructor (who's also my friend) came up to me and asked if I was alright. She then told me that I was apparently exuding negative energy. This came as a huge surprise for me, as I was convinced that my life is pretty much complete since I came back from Vancouver. Everything seems to have fallen in place, and there's no major complaints in my life. But what she said made me think of the missing piece in my life - my dancing. While I was in Van, I briefly re-encountered the dance scene and it made me realise how much I missed competitive Latin/Ballroom dancing. Dancing is such a huge passion for me, it saddens me to know that I'm taking classes as though I am a mere social dancer. It just isn't enough for me. I need something to work towards to, a goal to better myself as a dancer, and something to prove my ability as a dancer. Not just physically or technically, but also emotionally and expressively. This missing jigsaw piece takes a little spark out of me. In short, I need to get serious into dancing again.


Attended a Ballroom dancing competition just last weekend, and it reminded me of the great times I had as a competitor, preparing for the competition. Designing/making costumes, preparing routines, donning fake tans that'll crack all summer long - making me look perpetually diseased *bleh*, practicing, quarelling with dance partner, warming up, spinning on carpets during practices, tending to cut skin and deformed toes from severe toe pointings...all those bring back memories. And I want to relive them! I need to dance again! So then I made a resolution to get back into competitive dancing. Partner or no partner, I'll start training and make sure I'm ready whenever I have the chance to compete. My dancing self shall prevail! Ha, sounds so dramatic eh? But at least I know this will bring back the old spark to my eyes...

greater understanding and new optimism

After my much-needed break in Vancouver, I return recharged and focused, equipped with a greater understanding of myself and new optimism towards my life and my possible future. The crippling sense of melancholy and self-pity I went there with almost all evaporated as I surrounded myself with my loved ones - the true friends who love me for who I really am. I felt that I was being myself. It felt like I was home. Yet as I left them for Singapore, there was no sense of loss or sadness. Instead, I felt as if the love that I've experienced has transferred itself on me, such that I was ready to give that love to other people who matter to me. I came home with so much love to give, and so much appreciation for my life and my fortunate circumstances. In retrospect, it seems so silly of me to have wallowed in self-pity, when I am actually really blessed with so many good things in life. All the emotional troubles that were plaguing me now seem so inconsequential. Not that they don't matter. Rather, I've learnt to not take them so seriously. For real happiness comes when you take the best things from your circumstances and focus on them. I have wonderful parents and siblings, a great home, a satisfying job and fulfilling lifestyle, close friends whom I love and love me dearly, and most of all I have a guy I care so much about. With all these and so much love, how can I not be satisfied? How can I not cherish what I have, and instead lament about life as if it has treated me badly? I can't.

I want to embrace life fully and happily like I should be. Now that's more me. :)

my best friends

My stay in Vancouver is coming to an end. By tomorrow I'll be on the plane heading towards Singapore, back to work and back to my routine. My life is based there now, and Vancouver, is just a stopover that has a special place in my heart. I'm leaving my best friends behind. The happiness achieved through close-knit friendship I have will be hampered by the distance between us. While the love between us remains strong, distance will become an inevitable wall that will reduce the intensity of friendship love among us. But I'm not too sad. This trip has been a much needed recharging time for me. I feel as if my battery is full now; that I'm now ready to face the new challenges ahead of me; to be happy with my life in Singapore, even without them by myself. Because I know I'm loved, and that there'll always be a place here for me. I saw how much they missed me, and it made me feel that my love for them is so well reciprocated. And how "normality was restored" (as I quote Arthur), when all of us are together again. Amazing how time becomes irrelevant where relationships are concerned. When you meet certain people at an important time in your life where your personality is developing, when you are slowly learning to come to terms with who you are, these people become the railing you hold on to as you slowly step towards becoming who you are right now. I did so, and these people have become my best friends, my shoulders to cry on; my dependable harbour in times of need. And I know we'll be friends forever.



Just look at how we party. We always have so much fun together. It's not just the place - it's the company.

happiness in vancity

I haven't been this happy in a long time. It's good to be back to vancity, seeing my best friends, being together as a group once again. Can't believe I've been away for a whole year now. The place looks just the same, and the feelings we share are equally strong. So much has happened; so much has changed, yet so many things are stil the way they were, just like when I left them.

Just came back from hanging out, just like the old times. Catching up, telling corny jokes and indulging in silly humour - wouldn't believe that all of us are pretty smart Uni grads. :) Just having a good time in general. There's no stress, no pressure, no expectations. We all know and love one another so well that anything goes. Ahhh such bliss.

Didn't realise how much my peeps made a diffence in my life. And the whole environment too. Sigh. Let me indulge in these happy moments...

why am i not happy?

I'm a girl who pretty much has everything. There's nothing much that I'm deprived of really. Nothing except absolute freedom. I guess even then it's more because of my personal sense of responsibility, that I perceive myself to lack such freedom. If I really want to leave and pursue something entirely different from what I'm currently doing, no one can really stop me. Technically that is the case. But in truth, there's more than one thing holding me back. Or perhaps I just lack courage. Cowardice. Maybe that's it. But will leaving really solve my problems? Especially when I don't even know where the problem lies, or what the problem is. Maybe there's not even a problem; and it's just me being all melancholy over nothing. I don't know. All I know is that I've been happier. Much happier. And I want to get back to that you know. To be my usual happy self. But how? How do I get back to that point of satisfaction, where my life is in perfect equilibrium? I hate my melancholy self. And I know it won't last, for it's not the first time I feel this way. It comes to haunt me once in a while, ruining my moments of happiness. Hate the joy that's like this. For this is not inherently me. Give me back my mirth.

joy joy

That's all me alright.

(mr) lonely

Lonely
I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody
To call my own

Loneliness is a terrible feeling. And it's amplified when you need someone to lean on and you realise that there's no such person in your life. Sometimes you may be surrounded by people who do care about you, and truly want to be there for you. But the fact is, you need that special someone whom you will always turn to in times of trouble/sadness/depression/general fucked up feeling. And to know that this part of your life is missing leads to loneliness. Damn alcohol, the insidious depressant.

online diary part deux

Phew. Finally finished moving all my previous posts from my old blog to this new space. Didn't know I needed to pay for the old host. They mentioned it was free! To show my wilful defiance, I left. So here's my new space. It's been an incredulously busy week, work wise. I've been going through it kinda half-assed, since my heart is already inching its way to Vancouver, where I'll be flying to very soon, spending close to two weeks with my best friends. Yoohoo! I really can't wait. But it's weird. For mixed with this anticipation is also a feeling of almost-sadness, thinking how I'd have to leave my baby behind. Okay, fine, I know it's only two weeks. But really, it's not as if we've been spending a lot of time together. But anywayyyy, I'm excited to create new memories with my guys and gals in van - reliving the happy times when we were ALWAYS together. Why can't life be as simple and carefree as before? Sigh.

There are two things missing from my life right now: 1. Competitive dancing 2. my buddies in Vancouver. I know I have some great friends here, and I love them. But my peeps in Vancouver, they are different. They are like my family. They understand me, love me for who I truly am, flaws and all. And they are always there for me. ALWAYS. No matter when, or under which circumstances, whenever I need them, they will always be there. And I do the same for them. So I'm really excited at the prospect of spending time with them again.

what words mean to me

posted Sunday, Jul 30 9:38 am

I was having a casual discussion with a friend lately about why reading has been such an important part of my life. And I'm talking about reading books - literature, be it classic, modern, or contemporary. Good writers always manage to string together apparently simplistic words together to form the deepest and most provocative meanings. When reading a piece by a somewhat talented writer, I not only see the world through his/her eyes, but also relate the content of his story back to my life, and re-interpret them based on my personal experiences. While words possess denotative meanings, and a story often has its own moral value or intention, what one derives from the story I feel, is still a pretty subjective affair. So then one may fall in love with a piece of literature because the way the words are put together echo the thoughts and/or emotions of the reader.

Spent the weekend finishing up this book by Mil MIllington, "love and other near death experiences." Like I told my friends, this is a sardonic book full of dark humour. The story tells of a man's quest for self-discovery, the search for the meaning of life, and essentially, the search for life's hapiness. Of course, this is barely scratching the surface. The personal enjoyment I derived from the book is seeing bits and pieces of myself through these characters. I see through them the moments of depression, self-questioning, delusions, hopelessness that taint my otherwise joyful personality and positive outlook of life. The search for something, that essential something that I know is still somehow missing from my life; the longing for solutions, answers...they are all there.

Then I came to the end of the book, and was struck by this particular paragraph:
"The annoying thing about time is that it takes time...but no amount of it is too long to wait throughwhen you're waiting to be sure. However much we might believe, and wish, it were true, you can't really be sure of what you feel however intensely and seriously and constantly you examine your thoughts and emotions. You can be really sure only by forcing yourself to wait: time alone can tell you what will last."
Voila, the closest thing to an answer I was looking for.

I'm sure those of you who are reading this entry and actually managed to survive up to this point, would be slightly confused as to why this seem to the painfully obvious answer to my problem/question.

It's simple really. It's love. Sometimes love makes one feel unsure - unsure about a whole range of things. Worse still, at times, even unsure of the love itself; of what love is, what love really means, and what love entails. How should true love make one feel/act? How could one be sure? But questions questions questions - if I don't stop questioning, how would I be able to feel free to enjoy what I have? While searching for an answer, I might be missing the entire process. While focusing too much on a solution or a destination, I miss out on the enjoyment of the journey, which really should be the focus of my life right now. After all, I've always told myself that it's the journey that's important for me. Not just in love, but in everything else. For who knows what will happen tomorrow? No one can decide what will happen tomorrow, but today is in our hands.

So again, the answer is time. Examining thoughts and emotions boil down to simple logic - cold hard facts. But with a lot of things, relying on logic isn't the way. Better let things unfold themselves, then deal with them as they come.

Sometimes I'm amazed at how much words, written and spoken can affect me. They can salvage me from bad situations; yet they are equally capable of destroying me. Maybe if I were less of a drama queen and more of an airheaded reader of COSMO...life will be a much simpler ride. ;)

i will always be happy

posted Monday, Jul 24 10:16 am

Someone told me recently, "do whatever makes you happy." I agree with this. One can be either happy or sad, and I choose to be happy. But sometimes it's not that simple or straightforward. The thing that makes you happy can be the very thing that makes you very very sad. When you care about something so much, whatever threatens it would make you sad. When something that makes you so happy may slip away from you, that very source of happiness turns into the reason for your sadness. Ironic isn't it? So even though technically you need to sever the source of your sadness, by doing so, you might well be severing your source of happiness. Such a dilemma. What to do when faced with such a situation? My usual solution - ... uate. It's not purely logic, but also about how you feel overall. In any case, whatever decision you eventually make, make sure you'll eventually be happy about it. There's no room for regret. No point to regret anyway. When one chooses to do something - a decision that's well thought out and not a result of wilfulness or rashness, the motivation behind it must be an effort towards creating a better situation for oneself. Simply speaking, when I choose to do something, it must be because the decision will create a better outcome for myself. The ending will make me happier. Knowing this, my position is quite clear. Ball's out of my court. I know what makes me happy and what will make me happy. So I've made my choice. Now it's out of my hands. Whatever happens, I know I will always be happy about the choice I've made. Anything that hampers it, I'll just have to deal with. But I'm joy. I was born to be happy. And I will always be.

addicted to golf

posted Sunday, Jul 23 8:47 am

I really like golfing. I never thought I'd say this. In the beginning, I have more of a careless attitude towards golf - just another sport I picked up. But later on, as I get to know more about the game, played more, screwed up more and yet hit more reasonably okay shots, I start to like the game even more. It's a very challenging game in many ways. So many things to think about: which club to use depending on the distance and the nature of the course, where the wind is blowing, whether the green is sloped or uphill, reading and estimating the distance, aiming etc etc. Gave me a headache whenever I play for real. But despite the frustrations I feel whenever play badly, which is pretty often, I still enjoy the game at the end of it all. I love the challenge. And boy, is it a good workout. Whoever says golf is an old man's game must not have tried golfing for real. And everytime I play, I learn something new, be it on the range or on the course. Of course I can't say much since I haven't played that much at all. But anyway, the point is, I LIKE GOLF! And...there's the bimbo-ish side of it. I get to wear all these nice golfing outfits, caps, accessories, shoes etc. I know I know, it shouldn't matter. But it does to me! I feel motivated when I look good and am dressed for the occasion. Just like how I like to look hip hop when I go for hip hop classes, look saucy and latin for latin dancing, and jazzy with my little shorts and leg warmers for jazz. Maybe it's because I'm a bit of a drama queen. I just LOVE to look the part.

The big problem about this new addiction to golf however, is the high expenses that come with it. It's an expensive game. And being so involved in it means I have to shop less. MUCH LESS that is. It's a sacrifice I'll have to make. Well, I'm willing to invest this time and money into golf though. It's a good focus for me since I've lost the competitive side of dancing...for now at least. And it doesn't look like I can get back into it anytime soon. SO.

my first golfing experience

posted Sunday, Jul 2 1:53 pm

I played on the golf course for the very first time today. Sure, it's only a 9-hole public course. But still, the feeling is very different from mere driving in the range. Quite nerve wrecking in the beginning I must say. Much more so when you have a bunch of people waiting behind you. Couldn't really take time to prepare and all. But it was great overall. I played okay...not too bad for my first time. At least I didn't make any major screw ups (according to my veteran companion) :p. So that was a relief. I definitely need to play again soon. And I was also dressed for the occasion, decked in my new golfing outfit. Woohoo! Wonderful. If I can't play, the least I could do is to look like I can. Now that sounds really bimboish doesn't it? Heck, I love dressing up. Sue me. Anyway, it's too bad we didn't manage to take any pictures for several reasons: 1. I left my camera in the car (though I could have retrieved it if I really wanted to). 2. There wasn't any third party to help us take pics anyway. 3. This was a public course and everyone was hot on one another's tails, so taking pics would really slow us down and would inevitably piss a lot of asses. So pics were out of the question. Still I wish we had taken a pic of us in our outfits. At least I can have something to remember this day by. Sigh. There'll be next time though. So I'm not too worried. I'll wear the outfit again. Ha ha.

pensive

posted Sunday, Jul 2 7:05 am

Sometimes I'm torn between facing (again) and repressing/avoiding my negative emotions. I know the latter is unhealthy and too much of so doing will end up making things worse, especially if one day all the negative emotions decide to unleash itself. But very often, I try using logic to analyse whether or not what I feel is reasonable, or if I am merely being overtly demanding or difficult. I'm generally not an emo person; pretty easygoing with most things and I don't focus on negatives. I try not to, and I usually succeed. My philosophy: you can either be happy or sad, and I choose to be happy. But I'm a mere infallible mortal (plus I'm a girl), so there are things that do upset me emotionally. I don't really throw tantrums however. It's not my style. But I am usually unable to hide my feelings either, because I consider myself a really open, honest, and sincere person. Especially to the ones I love. I don't put on a front, because I can't. So then, back to the same problem. My head tells me that I shouldn't focus on whatever that upsets me, and instead focus my attention and energy on other things that make me happy. But that's just avoiding the problem isn't it? Even if it subsides now, there's no guarantee it won't come back to haunt me later. Right? So what's the best thing I can do? The bad thing is, I always keep rather quiet about these things, using "I am not good at expressing my emotions" to cover up everything. Even though I know the best thing to do is probably to talk about it. But can I really talk about it logically and objectively, without getting all emotional and risk saying things I don't mean, or expressing myself negatively? The thing is, having been accustomed to being independent since young (8 years old mind you), I've learnt to try to deal with problems on my own. I have this mentality of not bothering others - that I won't inflict my unhappiness on others, or affect other people's mood with my negative feelings. The tragic thing however, is that I don't always succeed. Sad isn't it? And when this happens, the sense of loneliness that I sometimes feel will resurface. How can one be surrounded by so many people and yet still feel lonely? If I really have no friends, why would I be rejecting offers to go out week after week. What the f do I really want?

When I'm upset like this, I'll have this strong urge to dance. Dance is a release for me, allowing me to focus my entire body, mind and soul on a passion, without caring about much else. But the dancing I'm doing now is different. Yes, I enjoy every moment, and I look forward to taking classes a couple times each week. Yet there's no focus. There's no end point, nothing to look forward to. There's nothing to work for. Without the competitions, the performances, dancing is merely a temporary release for me. It's like a very delicious but limited appetizer - there only to whet my appetite but unable to satiate. Depressing.

How do I deal with this? What should I do? Just try to push it out of my mind? Sleep on it and hope it'll go away? Occupy myself with other things so I won't have the time nor energy to think about it? I'm just deluding myself, ain't I?

Human beings are blessed with the ability to feel, express, rationalise, and make sense of things. It puts us above other animals in the animal kingdom. But sometimes I think it's a curse. I look at my cats and they are such happy creatures. Satisfied with their good home, nourishing meals, and plenty of sleep. But of course, they are also showered with much love and affection. I envy them.

dancing again

posted Wednesday, Jun 28 12:01 am

I may be dancing again! The word is "may" because, even though we've tried out and arranged for a first lesson next week, we still don't know for sure how well we'll work together. After all, we have very different styles, and while both of us are rusty from stopping for too long, he does have a lot more competition experience than I do. So we'll see how it could work out. The good thing is, both of us seem to be quite easygoing people. So I'm sure we'll get along fine. No doubt I'm used to dancing with giants, and he's not exactly a giant. But I think it can work out. I just need to shrink a little, that's all...:p I can do that. Not a mean feat.

This new dancing prospect is really exciting. I have been missing the rush I get from competitive Latin dancing. It's been a while since I last competed (over 9 months!) It's truly a long time. Long enough. Hopefully we'll be able to compete soon. We'll see how it works out. For now, I'm just happy to be able to dance again. :) Yay!

posted Saturday, Jun 24 7:52 pm

I drink too much coffee, black with no sugar. It calms me down. I think for me, coffee is like a security blanket. When I wake up in the morning, the first 'food' I crave is coffee. When I'm sleepy, I need coffee. When I'm cold, I want a cup of hot coffee. When I feel angry/mad/sad/frustrated, I need a cake...and coffee. You get the point. So then people keep telling me, "too much coffee is bad for you!" and being a body-conscious health freak, you'd think I'll set my mind to banishing this bad habit, to at least cut down my consumption from 3-5 cups a day to just 1-2. But nooooo. Instead, I drink more. The concomitant problem that accompanies this is carbohydrate consumption. With more coffee, I crave sweet stuff to complement the bitterness of the coffee. This means more cakes/pastries/chocolates etc. Bad for me. So consciously, I control myself.

So I try to analyse what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm stressed out that I use coffee the way some people use cigarrettes - as a form of mind-clearing substance; an aid to restore balance in an unclear mind. But why the hell would I be stressed out? Can't pinpoint to a particular reason or reasons for it. Sometimes I think it's general boredom - the distant relative of mid-life crisis. I'm too young to feel this way! But I do. Why???

Because of this, I keep myself as busy as possible, cos' activities make me happy; makes me feel productive, like I'm living my life to the fullest. But I know ultimately it makes me a little bit of an escapist. But at this point, I'm really not in the mood to overanalyse and be all dramatic about stuff.

Just take it easy, live happy. Drink more coffee.

primary school reunion

posted Friday, Jun 23 1:32 pm

Just came back from my first real primary school reunion, meeting old classmates, most of whom I haven't seen since we graduated about 12 years ago. It's interesting how close we all still are, despite the 12 years in between. As we chatted over drinks, so many memories were spilled; so many reminices of the past. Amazing how we can still remember little details from our childhood days, things we used to do, whom used to bully whom, one another's chinese/dialect names etc. It was unbelievable.

We may have physically transformed (though some still remained the same), deep down inside, a part of us retain the childlike nature carried over from our past childhood. We share the same understanding of one another's occasional childishness and feeble attempts at making corny jokes. And we forgive one another for that. There was just this very comfortable feeling. And none of us seemed to want to leave, even though we spent close to sixe hours purely talking.

All of a sudden, I feel as if my circle of good friends has magically widened. The thirst of a similar companionship previously provided by my beloved Vancouverites, is now slightly quenched by the presence of these people who have re-entered my life. Of course the first time is always great. We will see how many of us will actually keep in touch and how many continue to come for the gathering. In the meantime, let me revel in the joy of newfound friendships.

in retrospect #1

posted Thursday, Jun 15 11:19 am

You know you're getting older when you start wondering where your kid sisters are when they are not home at night; when you start sms-sing them, trying to get them to come home earlier. In other words, you start behaving like their mom instead of their older sister. Or should I say I start behaving like my mom towards my sisters. Actually such behaviour stems less from the desire to control my sisters' movement or to so-called prevent them from straying. Rather, the action is coupled with a sense of envy for their freedom and carefree attitude. Things are really different when one is a student. There's just so much more dispensable time for fun and entertainment, less committment to anything and everything. Especially if you are in a university or any other similar tertiary institutions, your time is even more flexible. Technically, you won't even be penalised if you choose to miss classes, as long as you don't fail your exams as a result.

I remember having so much time on my hands I could spend entire afternoons watching reruns of Seinfeld, Friends, Sex and the City, Frasier, Fresh Prince of Belair, Yes Dear etc etc - all while keeping myself busy with housework, which truly was quite therapeutic to be honest. Those were good times. And then there are all those late night sharing sessions with my friends at Dennys, our usual hangout, the poker nights, movie marathons, more poker nights, PS2 cum pool nights, more poker nights...It was endless. Of course not to forget the 12-15 hours spent on dancing every week, preparations for competitions and performances, Robson Square performances and all those things. Life was good. I miss all that.

Of course everyone has to move on to other life stages. Once you get past that stage as a student, you have to take on 'real' responsibilities like working/making a living/establishing and achieving career goals. And to reward yourself for the hard work you've put in your work, you try to play as hard as you can. For most people, it involves alcohol and a hell lot of smoke. Not for me though. I am happy immersing myself in sports and activities; killing my body in the process by indulging in too much exercise. But I enjoy it. Keeps me happy. While these can somewhat be convenient substitutes for all those activities I've enjoyed as a student in Van, there are still missing elements - namely time and company. As a working person, your time no longer belongs to you. Instead, it's subject to restrictions set up by your company's rules and policies. I could no longer sleep in after a particularly tiring session at gym or dance class and only risk missing a lecture or a tutorial. No more such privillege being a working girl. Then there's the company. Before, there was a group of like-minded people with similar levels of freedom whom I can get together with to do the activities we all enjoy - ad hoc. There's no need for planning in advance, fitting into a certain schedule and all that crap. All we needed was a phone call and we'll get together. And I also miss that.

I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. Apparently my 'gang members' in Van feel the same way. It's just the stage of life we are in right now. It's a transition period from a student to a 'real contributing member of the society' (how lame is this phrase).

The good thing is, this can be a very interesting point in our lives where we really decide what we want to do, where we want to go, what/who we like, how and when we want to achieve our goals, and ultimately, what will make us happy in the end. That is assuming we don't get too consumed with work and get ourselves trapped in the circle of work where everything else is inaccessible. That's what I think anyway. I would rather try to have as balanced a lifestyle as possible, doing what I like and spending time with whomever I feel make me happy. At the same time, I'd want to have time for myself so I can ponder and see things in retrospect. I know it sounds like a lot to ask for, but I believe I deserve and can do that.

I'm a lucky girl. I pretty much have whatever I want right now in my life. What I need to do is make the best of it, maximise my potentials and using my advantages to the fullest. So I try to do the best I can in everything. And most importantly, I aim to be happy everyday. After all, if I claim to have almost everything I could ever want and still can't be happy, how should other people who aren't as fortunate feel?

I know 100% is difficult to achieve consistently. But I am determined to try.

self understanding

posted Sunday, Jun 11 8:12 pm

I think it's human nature to always be searching for a reason and an explanation for everything. Everything that's happened seems to be a result of a cause; an action-reaction theory. So I was beating myself up for having negative emotions; constantly asking why I was feeling that way and trying to find a scapegoat or a couple of scapegoats in fact, who are responsible for making me feel that way. Naturally I got even more upset, since the supposed reasons for making me upset all sounded incredibly lame and unconvincing, even to my own ears. So I felt confused and frustrated, since there was no way I could have let others understand how I felt, considering I couldn't even understand it myself.

But sleep helps, as it always does. With a somewhat clearer mind, I realise that there was really no need for me to feel bad about feeling bad. Doesn't make sense? Well, it's simple really. There are times when bad feelings surface for no apparent reason, reminding me that I am really just a vulnerable human. The best way to deal with it really, is to just let the emotions go and they'll eventually go away. Unless you know the underlying factors that trigger these emotions, this would be the best way to do it. Once I have accepted this, I naturally feel better.

Nothing's wrong with me. After all, as I've stated in my self-description, I can be unexpectedly melancholy. Once I get a few things done, I know I'll bounce back to normal. And the happy joy joy will return. ;)

negative emotions

posted Sunday, Jun 11 8:32 am

I guess that's why people say life ain't perfect. Cos' it isn't. I thought I was satisfied with how things are going with my life right now, and that I couldn't and wouldn't ask for more. But somehow, there's still unexplainable dissatisfaction deep within me that's slowly surfacing. It's a very annoying feeling - a hotchpotch of negative emotions that I'm trying very hard to control. I feel lost - not knowing where I'm going, or if what I'm doing now is really what I want to do. And I feel as if there's no one I can really talk to, because there are things I feel that I can't explain. And at times like this, I wish I was back in Vancouver, where my best friends are. I think those were the times when I could best express how I really feel, whenever I am down. I take some time to coherently express my emotions. And they are the ones who will really spend time to listen and try to understand me.

It's funny how you can be surrounded by so many people and still feel lonely. Why do I feel this way? I hate such vulnerability. Frustrating.

horror love stories

posted Monday, Jun 5 4:03 am

I seem to be hearing a lot of horror stories about failed or failing relationships of late. A break up here, a divorce there, or a mutually destructive relationship hanging by a thread...not exactly the most encouraging thing to hear, for a person who still believes in love such as I. To make things worse, someone I thought was a die-hard romantic actually asked me if romantic relationships are even "worth it". I was stunned.

It appears that a lot of people seem to value romantic relationships like commodities - with an ultimate question in mind whenever they get into one: Is it worth it? Such worth encompasses a whole bunch of factors such as investments in time, effort, and sometimes money; emotional dependence and vulnerability and so on. Then when the relationship doesn't work out, or if the future doesn't look promising, they look back and deem it a waste of time. How pathetic that is! To live a life fearing to fall in love and being tied into a relationship. Just because the future is uncertain. How sad it is if everytime you want to be with someone, all you think about is what the relationship can lead to in a year or two years' time.

It's true that one's heart is not always reliable; and that love can be blind. That's why I think that the heart and the mind must work together in attempting a relationship. While it doesn't guarantee a happy ending, the important thing is that you've tried. Isn't it?

the taming of the shrew

posted Thursday, Jun 1 8:52 pm

My dad used to say that I have a very bad temper and that anyone who could stand my temper must be a really patient person. I told him, "I got it from you." And yes, I admit that my temper was not something I was proud of. Aside from the tendency to flare up easily, there's also the intolerance, the impatience, the willfulness. All in this otherwise joyful package. Thanks (and no thanks) to such traits, I gravitated towards more easygoing people who could accept such flaws in my personality. Their tolerance only spoiled me further. Even bored me sometimes. Though this cannot be applied to all cases. And thus I grew up thinking that this is the way I'm always going to be - bad tempered, spoiled, and unreasonable. What a horrible combination!

It was only recently I realised that I am actually capable of being the complete opposite of how I used to be. (Maybe I wasn't actually as bad as I thought I was). But I'm actually quite amazed at myself for how different I reacted at some situations compared to the way I did before, under similar circumstances. Krrrrazzyyy. As I would put it. So I came to the conclusion that it all boils down to an action-reaction factor. It's not so much what kind of personality type you are and how easygoing you are. The more important thing is how you react towards certain people and what kind of traits they bring out in you. No doubt, some traits are inherent, and there's very little one can do to change them. But these traits translate differently depending on one's interaction with others.

Now the question is, how consistent can you be? Say you're patient now, how long can you be patient for? Also, in the course of taking all things in your stride; looking at all things from a positive point of view, are you suppressing any of the negativity deep down inside? Because if you are, then it's just a volcano waiting to erupt. If I were to look within myself, I could sincerely say that the change is not forced. There's very little negativity that I keep with me, even if they are remnants of things that have made me very very upset. I attribute it to two things: 1. I'm a generally positive person, my motto being: you can choose to be happy or sad. I choose to be happy. 2. I have a selectively poor memory; refusing to remember things that make me upset. Blocking them all out. Scary says some. Effective, I say. (Remember Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). =)

Anyway, I'm happy. It's been helping me I'd say - both in terms of personal and my corporate lives. Corporate wise, the crude term for it is being thick-skinned. Ie. Not easily offended by things that people say, which for some sensitive individuals, can totally be taken the wrong way. Easygoing baby. Works for me.

So dad, I think I got it from mom, not you. ;)

lazy friday

posted Friday, May 19 2:27 am

TGIF indeed. It's been a pretty busy week - a pretty busy 2 weeks in fact. What with all the client appointment (aka entertaining) that had to be done. I've been in and out of the office this whole time, trying to manage both client-servicing and administrative matters at once. All that without having to stay for overtime. So I'm glad Friday's finally here. Frankly, I feel rather unmotivated to work (even though I've been administratively productive). Which is why I'm here "scribbling" on my much neglected blog at 3.14pm in the afternoon. Really looking forward to the weekend when I can have a more relaxing time just doing my own thing and spending a little quality time with my loved ones. Especially him of course. :)

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed behind in Vancouver upon graduation. Would I still be actively competing? Would I have a good job I can fall back on? Would I be happy? Would I have someone I truly care about and could dote on? Isn't it strange, what life has in store for one? To think I was so resistant about coming back to Singapore and leaving my life in Vancouver behind. I was happy back then. Life was good indeed. But often there were times when my life was just "okay"; where everyday I wake up to each day feeling a lack of enthusiasm - going about each day with a neutral mode. It's not a bad feeling. But there was no real joy, no enthusiasm, no fire. And I didn't like that.

Now I almost always wake up happy; facing each day with renewed enthusiasm, even on the toughest, most dreary days. No doubt I feel bored/frustrated/angry/sad/upset/depressed sometimes. But the feeling usually won't last as they would often be overwhelmed by the inherent joy I feel inside. My life feels fulfilled. And I am happy and completely satisfied.

I truly hope such a feeling stays with me. It'll signal trouble once I feel that my life is at a standstill, and I start waking up to a mundane routine - living life like a zombie. Not looking forward to such a possibility. But I'm not too worriedm for I know the joy inside me won't allow it.

TGIF. 2.5 hours to the weekend. Yay!

dating ain't easy

posted Saturday, Apr 15 2:22 pm

Dating is a rather complex process I would need to get used to. Especially when it comes to serious dating where you see the person as someone really special you can hold close to your heart. Someone you can share your joy and your pain, laughter and tears. Your best friend and companion for that moment in your life. Even if it's only for that moment.

There's a tumultous period where you try to get to know each other as much as you can. Not just from what he says or do. Rather, from what he doesn't. And he does the same thing. The problem is that sometimes misunderstanding occurs because we assume certain things that might not be true or accurate. And when this happens, you can't really blame anyone because whatever conclusions one comes to are based on previous experiences. Yes, one can't generalise based on previous happenings because each situation is different; each person is different. But we are humans. We analyse our world from what we know; the tried and tested. And when one party's past experience vastly differs from the other, the misunderstanding occurs, way too easily. That's when trouble arises.

I used to think that such dating is way too much work for me. It's tough because you go through a an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes you're so happy you feel that the world is truly a wonderful place, that your life is perfect the way it is now; that if you freeze this moment, you're at a plane of complete happiness and utter satisfaction. Yet other times you may feel so low and dejected that you can neither eat nor sleep, and the words "why why why" keep repeating over and over again in your screwed up little head. It's this extreme. My heart couldn't take it, I used to think. Much more so considering how spoiled I've been by my previous relationships, where everything starts from long friendships where we've already gained a deep understanding of each other, and would understand why one party behaves the way they do, without much explanation. Yet, perhaps that's the trouble. When friendship is the basis of the relationship, the spark may not be there. And then you'll lose the feeling of being in love. Instead, comfort and habit form the foundation of the relationship. Which is great if you're married to each other for 20 years or something. But for a dating relationship, it gets too still. Then you wonder if everytime you say "I love you", you truly feel the gush of uncontrollable feeling of love coming from deep within your heart, or if the phrase has become some kind of defense mechanism you subconsciously activate to convince yourself of the love you feel, whenever you doubt your love for the other person.

So the emotional rollercoaster may not be a bad thing. Sure, it'll be better if everything comes easier. But with each misunderstanding that can be rectified comes a new level of understanding. You'll learn to understand each other's expectations. What makes him tick, and what makes him sick. What the boundaries are within the relationship; how you should treat the relationship and what you want to get out of it. Everything. It's not easy, definitely not easy. But if you've worked for it, and you see the end result, it'll be so much sweeter in the end.

It gets to me sometimes, that I feel so damn helpless and not in control of the situation. I don't like such feeling of vulnerability. As if my head has stopped functioning and has surrendered the leash of control completely to my heart. When my heart says yes, I go for it. Yet, despite my prudish logical self, I allow myself to be driven by my heart. For when else can you really follow your heart in this cruel, cut-throat world. Only in the world of love. Even if it means setting yourself up for a heartache, it'll be worth it. Because you'll know that at least you've tried your best. You've followed through with what you want. You have fought for what you want and tried your best to get as close to it as you possibly can. And that's important. Besides, if the focus is on searching for happiness, the work is worth it. How far must you look to find someone whom you can sacrifice for? There's a twisted sense of happiness in sacrificing for love. I need to try it. It'll be good for me.

But of course, ultimately we both want to be happy. Should there be a time when happiness is no longer the outcome of what we're doing, then we know that it's time to stop. But for now, I hope we'll keep going. I hope it's just the beginning.

change

posted Tuesday, Apr 11 8:16 am

I've changed so much since I was young.

You'll change more.

Indeed, it's probably true. Though 25 years is not a long time to be alive, I'm amazed at how much I've changed through the years. Let's not mention physical changes. Mentally and emotionally, I've grown and changed. Then there are differences in personality and attitude. Views, visions, expectations, life directions - everything.

Temper
I used to think that a bad temper is inherent in me. That no matter how much I've grown and matured, I'll always have a bad temper. After all, I was the unreasonable kid who told everyone around me to shut up when they were making too much noise. And I was also one who would flare up at my loved ones, when differences in opinions arose. But now, I'm the easy going one. I don't get mad easily. And even when I do, I don't scream or shout. Rather, I'd be silent and try to think things through, for fear of saying things I don't mean. I don't want to hurt, neither do I want to be hurt. And a bad temper ignites quarrel and disagreements. It invites mutual verbal abuse, which leads to hurt pride, ego, and an injured heart. So I'm happy I've changed. And I hope it stays this way.

Selfishness
The world doesn't revolve around anybody in particular. But once upon a time, everything revolved around me. Or so I'd like to believe. It's always about what I want and how I feel. Lucky me, I've had patient and easygoing people by my side, who'll give in to my whims and fancies. Thinking back, I wonder if that's a blessing or a curse. As I learn to let go of such selfishness, which probably stemmed from the feel of a need to be defensive, I feel like a better person. I learn the meaning of compromise, of sacrifice. Putting others before myself. It's something new, but it makes me feel good inside. Not because I feel like a good person for sacrificing for others. But for the pride I have for my own absolute willingness to compromise for someone I really care for. It's an indescribable feeling.

Defensiveness
Learning to let go. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Being vulnerable. Taking chances. Not wondering what'll happen in the end, but trusting my instincts, listening to myself and my heart. It's the biggest change yet. For I've always been a pretty defensive person. Quite conservative if you will. I don't like to take chances. Well I didn't anyway. But now I do, and I will. In many aspects of my life, I learn to deal with uncertainties. It's exciting. For it's a rollercoaster feeling.

I've changed so much.

I'll change more. Probably.

by grand central station i sat down and wept

posted Thursday, Apr 6 12:34 pm

"I was taunted so long. The meaning fluttered above my head, always out of reach. Now it has come to rest in me. It has pierced the very centre of the circle. I love, love, love -, but he is also all things: the nights, the resilient mornings, the tall poinsettias and hydrangeas, the lemon trees, the residential palms, the fruits and vegetables in gorgeous rows, the birds in the peppertree, the sun on the swimming pool. There is no room for pity, of anything. In a bleeding heart I should find only exhilaration in the richness of the red." - Elizabeth Smart

________________________________________________________________________________________________

A revelation. I've been thinking for so long, searching for an answer to all my doubts and uncertainties, when all of a sudden it just hit me. There's no doubt, no uncertainty. Only love. For love warrants no fear, though it doesn't guarantee happiness. But focus on the love, and everything else ceases to matter as much. Even if it doesn't happen, at least I've tried. I've faced my fear of failure. And I've worked towards preventing what I fear most - to wake up one morning only to find that I have not loved.

love hurts

posted Wednesday, Apr 5 2:05 pm

Cliched but true, love does hurt. Why you may ask. Love is supposed to be this wondrous, inexplicable, magical phenomenon that leaves one happy beyond logical understanding. Yet it does bring hurt and pain. The most amazing thing about it, you seek this pain. It's something that one inflicts upon oneself when love comes knocking on the door. If the brain were the dominant organ, it would warn one to stay away, for it's absolutely illogical to voluntarily inflict pain on yourself, unless you're a sadomasochist. But love doesn't work this way.

Besides, love brings a special kind of pain. It's bittersweet. And the pain comes from sacrifice. The sacrifices you have to make when you cease to think only for yourself. The pain comes from uncertainty. The uncertainties love may bring - the inability to envision a future beyond what you have. For planning sometimes spoils everything. Melodramatic? A little I suppose. But being in a contradictory situation as such where you are torn between the desire to seek out some certainty of a future and the willingness to just enjoy the moment of happiness, is what brings the pain.

But the pain is good. It's good because then you know that you are truly human. That you are vulnerable, fallible, and emotional. It's good because you stop questioning and start feeling. It's good because just like the true spirit of giving, you stop wondering what you'll get in return.

No doubt, you may fall. The more joy you experience from loving someone, the more painful it'll be when you know you've lost it forever. So it's something to be prepared for. It's not exactly being pessimistic. Just realistic. Although such understanding of the possible failure will not decrease the pain you'll feel when you fall out of love, at least you'll be able to attain some kind of peace once the initial hurt subsides.

Embrace the love. Embrace the joy and happiness that love brings. But most of all, embrace the pain. Hurt a little, grow a little.

People keep telling me that at my age, I should be looking for someone whom I see as a potential life partner. But isn't it stressful, when this should be a prerequisite to fall in love? Then it loses the chemistry. Rather, it's like you're buying a pair of good shoes. You must like the design, and feel comfortable wearing them. And they must also be worth the money you'll be spending on them etc etc. I've tried this method. And the formula didn't work for me.

I'm not saying that the future isn't important. But I try to make things easier for myself. My criteria: I have to be happy. Happiness and contentment seem simple enough goals to achieve in life. But they are actually the most difficult. Especially if you're looking at consistent happiness and contentment. So for now, I'm just looking to be happy. Be it for a week, a month or a year, most importantly, I must be happy. And I am.

So sometimes I'm in pain. But I'm happily in pain. And no, I'm no sadomasochist.

an old friendship revived

posted Friday, Mar 10 8:38 am

Met an old friend I haven't seen in quite some time. Before I met her, I thought I'd lost her through time and distance. But our meeting proved me wrong. It's been some time since we shared a quiet and intimate moment like that, just filling each other in on the happenings in our lives. It made me happy that despite all skepticism on my part that our strong friendship was still alive, the bond we had established in the past still stand strong. Once we met and talked, really conversed - all that I once thought was gone, just returned in floods of happiness and relief.

It's true that we've both changed. We've grown and progressed in our separate directions. We are different people than we used to be. But eleven years of friendship has not been futile. While many things have changed, the friendship has metamorphasised into something more comfortable. Something that has its basis strongly on shared memories. The memories of the comfort and openness we once shared. The unspoken trust between us.

Finally I'm truly happy for her. For I now completely comprehend the reasons behind her decisions. And this is what I should have felt long ago. The way one's good friend should feel for one's happiness. This is real empathy.

My dad once repeated something we all know: that a few good friends in this lifetime are rare treasures. I'm somewhat of a realist. I believe that friendships change, and are sometimes lost. But there needs to be an effort to try preserve ones you know you'd like to keep by your side for as long as fate permits. And the time is now. For you'll never know when you'll lose the chance to do so.

posted Monday, Mar 6 9:55 pm

I just spent an entire sleepless night captivated by the book, devouring each page with a vigour I thought I no longer had for exceptional literature. Just earlier in the day I was questioning myself on how I would rate the many books I've read, and how I'd pick my favourites among the lot. I wondered if my fickleness that's evident in some things also exists in this department; if I'd have a new favourite each time I chance upon something new and something good. Then in the night, as I continued reading 'the shadow of the wind' from where I left off, determined to finish about ten pages before I hit the sack, I found myself unable to put the book down. I couldn't deny myself the pleasure of knowing what happens next.

There's a strange quality to the book, something almost magical. It's like a morbid fairytale with a happy ending, despite the seeming contradiction. While it's descriptive to a point that could almost disguise it as one of Stephen King's genre, it's also poignant, moving, profound, and highly mermerising. The precise morbidness of the story appeals to the essential dark side that's within us, while the direction towards a somewhat happy reconciliation tends to our want for a hopeful future.

The book tells a story about a book, about the author of the mystical book, about someone's life, about undying and selfless friendships and love, about living vicariously through others, and most of all, about living eternally through the memories of others.

This story begins with the fascination of a boy with a book he found in the Cemetery of Forgotten Books, a secret vault that held books long forgotten by people who used to own them. His fascination with the book extends to that of the mysterious author, of whom no one seems to know. Such fascination turns into an obsession where he seeks to find out everything he could about the author and his life. The story unfolds in the most dramatic fashion, revealing much about friendships and love in the process.

There are many times in the process of reading this book that I would chance upon something that the protagonist's hero wrote, and had to stop to ponder on those words.

"The moment you had to think whether or not you love a person, you have already stopped loving the person forever." I thought about it and wondered if it's possible that in the course of loving someone, one has never been plagued with doubts and uncertainty. Is there still a love this strong that there is no moment in time when one feels unsure if what he/she feels is true love, and if this would last him/her forever? When one stops to wonder, does it really mean that the love has ceased to exist? I suppose in a romantic world, this would be the case. True love is supposed to withstand the test of time, distance, and all the other annoyances in life. Just like Julian Carax could carry his love for Penelope till death, all marriage vows are structured to bind married couples till "death (do them) part." But I wonder at the validity and practicality of such a notion at this present time. As cynical as I may seem, it's not with such mentality that I question such an assertion. It's just that it appears to me as a terribly unforgiving accusation at someone, if one were to be accused of having forsaken his love for his lover if he ever stopped to doubt or wonder. Human beings are fallible. Times of vulnerabilities should be allowed. If one doesn't stop to wonder, how would he know that his love for the lover is not there due to habit, duties, or any other explanations other than true, blind, inexplicable love?

"Books are mirrors of ourselves. We see in the books what we already have within us." We live vicariously through the characters in the books we read. We transform into who we want to be and can't be in this world of fiction. Yet no matter what we metamophorse into, the characters reflect qualities that we already see in ourselves. Especially the side of us that we know exist but try to suppress or even repel, for reasons beyond our control. While I smirk and mock at characters who sacrifice for love, I might secretly wish I could do the same, even though I know that given the chance, I still wouldn't. Because I won't have the courage. Because I would remain silent. And "silence are for cowards."

'The shadow of the wind' gives me a newfound understanding of my love for reading. It reminds me of the power of words and how much words could affect me; sometimes empowering, and at other times, defeating. Reading is a grown-up way of playing make-believe. Once you throw yourself completely into the world of fiction, you allow yourself to be temporarily removed from the reality, however desirable or undesirable it is.

There are books that left you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. There are books that make you go 'wow!' Then there are a few select books that you'd want to read and reread. And each time, you'll gain a new understanding and a new bit of enjoyment added to what you've gained from the previous read. This is one such book.

note(s) to self

posted Tuesday, Feb 28 8:16 am

I recently realised that I've been giving myself way too many 'note to self'. Here are some instances:

-Went to the office today to meet the HR personnel, and asked the receptionist to inform her while I waited. Smiled to a couple of the office girls but did not introduce myself. Note to self: must take the initiative to be friendly to office girls to ensure survival at the workplace.

-HR personnel was mildly incompetent, missing out blanks, not following instructions, missing out essential pages etc etc. I was rather annoyed and would have rolled my eyes. But...note to self: learn to be tolerant and patient towards idiosyncracies. Need this in the working world.

-Was at my make up class yesterday, (we were learning the right way to achieve flawless complexion using foundation), and I accidentally scraped too much foundation that I eventually had to throw out. The result: wastage and an ugly and unecessary scrape mark on my otherwise close to perfect pallete. Note to self: please be gentle on all make up products next time. Such a clumsy oaf! (And I couldn't stop thinking about this matter for the next couple of hours. Okay, more than just a couple.)

-Mom, aunt and I were talking about cars and how I was going to commute to work, and I complained about how my sister's car is unsuitable for my personality. I wasn't very tactful when I said this. Aunt said I should be grateful to have a car to drive. Agreed. Note to self: I should be more tactful when expressing myself to avoid sounding like an arrogant, unappreciative, spoiled bitch.

-A couple of days ago, at my second interview, I babbled on and on about my work experience, when asked to list some of my experiences. And due to a combination of nerves and lack of preparation in my head, I spoke too fast and was semi-incoherent. I sounded less eloquent than I was capable of. Note to self: learn to speak calmly and plan everything in my head before I spit them out like verbal diarrhoea. Makes better impression this way. Because of this, I gave my performance a 6.8/10 instead of 8.5.

-This afternoon, I thought about my tendencies to blame myself for imperfections in the things I do or say, and wondered if I have a psychological problem. Mom says I am a perfectionist, and that's why I'm like this. But I truly believe that there's no perfection in this world. Only an attempt to be not as flawed as we could otherwise be; but not the ability to achieve perfection. Note to self: ask b if such relentless pressure placed on self to be as good as I can be is pathological.

There you have it. The note(s) to self I can remember. Now, note to self: try to be more forgiving of self and not fret over little things like the accidental dog ears made on worksheets and books...

seeking true love

posted Sunday, Feb 26 12:16am

Just finished watching the last episode of a cheesy Taiwanese drama - Heaven's Robe. (Yes, I'm a closet fan). The basis for the drama is the love story between an unlikely couple - an uneducated farm girl and a foreign-educated fashion designer. Their love was met by many difficulties - their background differences, rivalries by other boys and girls...very typical of dramas like that. As expected, the drama had a happy ending, which is what the audience would like.

Maybe I should kick myself for liking a show as such, and religiously following its developments week after week. After all the story is painfully predictable and the acting mediocre. But what draws me to it, and I'm sure is the reason why many girls (and boys) would like it, is the idea of searching for and finding true love.

I think human beings are inherently emotional and romantic. No matter how much we try to be logical and objective towards everything in life, love is something that will be our archiles' heel. Yes, love can be illogical. It's love that may lead us to do illogical and sometimes inane things. It's when we feel love that we stop listening to our heads, and start listening to our hearts. Despite getting burned at times, we never give up on love. We continue looking for it, and sacrificing for it. While we can have everything in the world, we don't stop until we find love.

I'm sure some people won't admit it. But as the world gets richer and better, and people get busier and busier, we try even more desperately to find love. Lust is easy; love isn't.

That's why it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy deep down inside to see those characters who are in love, finally being able to be together forever. No doubt it's all an act. But these are the times when suspension of disbelief becomes extremely useful.

I wonder how much I could sacrifice for love. Or rather, how much I WOULD. When the love becomes that strong, would the question even form in my head? While seeking true love, is it permissible to disregard all other factors that may be important to me otherwise? I suppose not. But can I have the best of both worlds I wonder.

I'll cross the bridge when I get there.

got the job

posted Friday, Feb 22, 2:22pm

I got the job! Met up with the boss today and had another hour of interview. He seemed keen to hire me, explaining to me in detail what the company is all about and the role he's expecting the person filling this position to fit. It's an exciting industry: fast paced, challenging, volatile, competitive. Like he said, there's never a dull moment. Enough said, I was sold. More so when he immediately agreed to my expected salary. No bargaining needed. I'm obviously excited about this move in my career path. Such a deciding moment in my life. I hope I can really find my niche in this industry, for then it'll determine the next steps I'll be taking in the coming years. Fingers crossed.

because i am me

Wednesday, Feb 22, 3:33pm

Please read this only if you are: 1. an extremely curious human being, 2. trying to get to know me much better than you do, 3. utterly bored. Here's all you need to know about me, listed in point forms for your convenience.

I AM:

generally friendly, though can be rather aloof at times
sometimes impatient, especially when it comes to ignorance
occasionally temperamental and moody
genuine but can be rather tactless
straightforward and frank (sometimes unecessarily so)
a workaholic by nature
energised by a sense of achievement in all that I do
a perfectionist when it comes to the work I do
a romantic deep down with an apparent realism that no one can comprehend
a manifest of contradiction
unpredictable and mysterious
elusive at times when I need my space (which is quite often)
loyal when it comes to close friends but indifferent to some people
a competitive international latin dancer
I LIKE:

guys who are big and tall (180cm minimum)
guys who exercise and play sports
intelligent people (men AND women)
people who are confident enough to laugh at themselves
humorous and easy-going individuals
hip hop and latin music, including fusions
boxing with my trainer
elegant dresses that compliment my figure
make-up that matches my mood and outfit for the day
step classes by martin
black label on the rocks
canadian whisky (but not too much cos' it's VERY strong)
margarita from red lobster
perkins sleeping beside me every night
life of pi by yann martel
shopping for pretty clothes, shoes, accessories, and make-up
going to Borders to read and read and read
playing scrabble on the computer
tanning till my skin turns brown
dancing without caring about people around me
clubbing for free

it's PR I tell you

posted Wednesday, Feb 22, 3:06pm

Do note that I'm slightly drunk as I write this. Came back from a clubbing night out at MOS, organised by my friend's company as part of their socialisation night with their clients. I was there as a guest. So happens that I also went for a job interview at the company the very morning itself, thanks to my friend's recommendation of course, and ended up meeting the very people who interviewed me, as I attended the event. Of course it's a little bit strange, although also rather pleasant, to be able to socialise with the person on an equal basis, when just a while ago I was socialising with him as a superior.

Anyway, so I met most of the people from the company, from various departments. I was mostly introduced to the male employees of the company, since the ladies seemed to prefer keeping to their own elite group the whole night. Which was fine with me by the way. I got to meet the big bosses who are to determine whether or not I will be hired by the company. This was kind of cool, since it's rare for a prospective employee to have met all the big boys before he/she even got hired into the company. Very rare indeed. And it seemed that these big boys didn't mind me at all, and would like to speak with me further about the job and my possible involvement in it. So a second interview was pretty much guaranteed for me.

Anyway, the whole night involved a lot of PR; a lot of mingling among the people, speaking with them, joking, and at the same time networking with them. Finding out what they do and what their expectations are, are bonuses. After all, if I were to work in the company, the first thing I'd have to learn to know and remember is what everyone does and is responsible for. Only then would I be able to tackle each and every assignment as best as I can, with as most information on my hands as possible.

It sort of made me realise that deep down inside, I do enjoy public relations, and I think I'm quite good at it even. It's not even a matter of faking it. Most of the time, I just think about being myself and not conjure up some kind of lies to cover up my ignorance; wearing an unecessary mask to hide what I am really like inside. So I was myself, and with that, I even gained a couple of acquaintances, whom I believe I would learn to appreciate later on in my life.

So like I said, PR is the key to any successful business or ventures. I guess I realised that sometime ago, growing up in a family like mine. I am my dad's daughter after all, surely I've learnt a thing or two from him? But as time goes by, I am further convinced that in this world, sometimes your attitude may be more important than your aptitude. If you are good with people, and thus have a higher EQ than most, you would most likely get your way with pretty much everything. Isn't it unfair you say? Well, life is unfair sister. Get over it.

It's good for me though. I think I'm a natural people person. I have no qualms about talking to strangers, striking conversations with the most unlikely person about anything at all. And I'm comfortable doing that. So maybe PR is my destiny? People-relations, customer service...that may be my specialty.

Anyway, I think I've made an impression. Good or bad would be subjective. But an impression I've made for sure. Now I only have to wait for their call for a second interview. I've been told that it's going to be around the first week of March that they'd call me to confirm the second interview. But I'm not going to wait like a fool like last time. Since I'll have my hands full with my make up lessons, I'd definitely keep myself as busy as possible with this, so as to distract myself from the waiting process. After the second interview, which I believe would be rather brief, I would see what happens, and what the director's decision would be. Should I stay, I'd be rather happy. Of course considering the job is suitable for me. If not, that's okay as well. At least I've had fun this entire time, from the interview all the way till this night at MOS.

Now I hope Mr. Boss did not get too shocked by the way I drink and dance. And I hope this wouldn't influence his decision on hiring an employee. He seemed like a nice guy so I don't think he'd do it. But better be safe than sorry...But then again, there's really nothing I can do right now. The ball is on his court, it's his decision now that matters. The rest would just be empty talk.

All I have to do is wait.

the make-up apprentice

posted Wednesday, Feb 22, 12:08am

February 21, 2006 - the first lesson for my make-up diploma. Went into the school and was immediately greeted with, "girl, which one are you?" by a strikingly attired man in his thirties, with a yellow top and matching yellow bandana tied around his neck. He had an interesting hairstyle: short at the side like a regular man's cut, but with a longer top that he tied into a mini ponytail on top of his head. His bangs are uneven, with shorter mini bangs overlapped by longer bangs at interval. Interesting, I thought. I recognised him as the principal of the school, and our instructor. Exciting. I thought to myself. This is going to be an interesting 6 months.
Peter Angel Warneck, chinese, has much experience in the make-up and entertainment industry, friends with eminent hairstylist David Gan, and very obviously gay. He's one of those characters whom you either love or hate. Outspoken, humorous, easy-going, talkative, judgmental, bitchy beyond belief, and proud of it. Unbelievable. I have a feeling that I'm going to like him very much.

Even though it was supposed to be a mere orientation, Peter did not waste a second telling us about the course module, his expectations, etiquette and ethics as aspiring make up artists, his experiences and so on. All this while wildly flailing his arms in illustrating his points.

I looked around the class and had a feeling that this was going to be a mainly chinese-speaking community. I wasn't far from such conjecture. Pretty much everyone seemed to be more comfortable conversing in Mandarin, which I have absolutely no problem with. The only problem was the very fact that they immediately switched to English when speaking to me. Once again, I am seen as one who can't speak Chinese. How ironic. To think I spent 12 years of my life in Chinese schools, taking Chinese as a first language. I felt like telling them: I write better than I speak. But I can speak Mandarin!!! Sigh.

Anyway, it looks like this course is going to be a rather demanding but exciting one. I'm so thrilled by the prospect of learning new knowledge and refining my existing skills. Have purchased half of the make up kit I need. Amounted to a big bag of things worth over 700 dollars. I'm looking forward to next week's lesson.

Mom told me that I should not be looking for a job so soon and that I should concentrate on doing the things I like, such as completing (and acing) this course, and taking up something else like sewing or something. I'm tempted by her suggestion. Sounds like my kind of life. Yet, I'm also unwilling to sacrifice potentially good career opportunities that might come along. So...que sera sera.

For the moment, I'll concentrate on being a make up apprentice.

clubbing now and then

posted Sunday, Feb 19, 11:52am

I used to hate clubbing. The smoke-filled air, ridiculously overcrowded dance floor where one can hardly dance on, overpriced liquor, and sweaty bodies unwantedly touching one another...all didn't sound very appealing to the dancer in me.

While all my peers flocked to clubs every weekend upon turning 18, I was contented with staying at home with my books and television. A geek that I was, I could never understand the apparent fun they were having. Why pay to dance in a place where you can't move without bumping into a stranger? Why socialise in a place where you can hardly hear your friends amidst the loud (and sometimes bad) music? It wasn't logical.

Until I found out that clubbing wasn't about the dancing. It IS precisely the crowded factor that attracts people to the clubs. If it ain't crowded, it isn't fun. It IS the fact that you can hardly hear (and see for that matter) people that you club. It's great for meeting random people and feel a temporary sense of belonging. It's the only place where you are allowed to put your sense and sensibility aside, even if it's just for a night, and totally lose yourself in the moment. No reservations needed.

The prude deep within me couldn't accept the fact that I was beginning to enjoy clubbing. The subconscious distress I suffered upon returning from Vancouver, taken away from my precious friends, amazing lifestyle, and my passion, prompted me to seek some form of substitute for my seemingly barren social life. A reconnection with old friends brought me to clubbing, which happened to be one of their favourite social activities. So as not to seem unsociable, I went along. One visit became two, then three. All of sudden, I was a weekend clubber, a social drinker. My previous allergy to smoke became insignificant, and I became accustomed to loud music.

I began to understand the 'sense' of clubbing. For some, it meant an opportunity to meet the opposite sexes. The dark environment makes everyone looks twice as good looking as they are in reality. Coupled with alcohol in your system that tends to affect good judgment, clubbing is the perfect opportunity to hook up. But for me, it's all about the dancing. Well, 80% of it is the dancing. I have to admit, the attention is a bonus. Why else would I dance on the podium when I am alone? At least I'm honest about it.

I used to think that it's pathetic that lonely individuals should seek comfort in being amongst the crowd to fill up that void in their lives. But now I can see how it can be useful at times. While being with friends is always nice, there are times when you just don't feel like communicating. Yet, you don't want to be alone and feel lonely.

I don't need the random person to approach me in a club to feel wanted or less lonely. But I do like the feeling of being among a random crowd, where there are no ties nor responsibilities. No social responsibility to maintain a coherent conversation. In the clubbing context, truncated conversations, harmless flirtations are permitted. Once you are out of the club, your life is back to normal, you can go back to the prude you are.

When I club, I take on a certain persona that may not reflect who I am deep down inside. And I'm allowed to be like that for just that night. It's like unleashing a small but important part of me that's usually inaccessible to others in my daily life. It's good to have that once in a while.

Now, if only I can club for free...

vulnerable friendships

posted Thursday, Feb 16, 11:48am

Just came back from dinner and a long chat with my very good girlfriend. She's probably the one I get along best around here. No formalities, no pretentiousness, just being ourselves everytime we are together. She's getting married and moving away (how sad!) and I'm going to lose yet another friend.

People say distance should not affect a friendship if it were strong. It's true to a point. Though unfortunately, friendships, just like human emotions, are vulnerable. Distance might not destroy a good friendship, but it could very well alter it. Sometimes the alteration proves to be good, as it could make the friendship stronger. After a long separation, the reunion with a good friend can make one treasure the friendship even more so than before. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Yet there are some friendships which might not stand the test of time. One may regard such friendships as those that lack strong foundations. But this is not necessarily true. I had a close friend whom I've known for eleven years now. We used to be inseparable. She stood by me through difficult times in my secondary school years; she was the one whom I thought truly understood me. She was my best friend. Pretty much marginalised by the popular basketball elite, we sought solace in each other, forming our own group of friends outside of school. We saw each other all the time, spending close to 24/7 together. When we were not together, we were on the phone with each other. In short, we were inseparable. Things we did would be spontaneous. There was no need for appointments. We always had time for each other.

Then it all changed when I left for Vancouver. Attempts to stay in touch were futile. Conversations were brief and superficial. Even though we pretended nothing happened, deep down inside we knew that it would never be the same again.

Friendships are vulnerable. I always say that a good friendship is low maintenance. Yes, that is true. But no matter how good a friendship is, it'll not work when there's NO maintenance. And the effort needs to be apparent, and both ways.

People grow as they go through life, each person developing (and sometimes maturing) into a unique person, different from another. If you're lucky, you find significant people in your life heading towards a similar direction to that you are heading. But if you're not, you'll realise that even good friends drift apart as each moves towards his/her own desired path.

I may be nonchalant towards many. But I'm extremely loyal to friends who are close to my heart. Each time I feel I'm losing a friend, it is as if there's a part of me that's gone with them. Sentimental and melodramatic indeed.

review: girls' poker night

posted Wednesday, Feb 15, 9:39am

I've never picked anyone up. I don't know how to pick up guys. I usually just camouflage myself as this wonderful person and let them come to me. It's easier that way. - Jill A. Davis (Girls' Poker Night)

Completely fictitious, yet totally reflective of my personality. Ruby Capote - smart, vivacious, funny, talented, and yet emotionally unavailable. Her fear of failure compels her to avoid surrendering to her emotions. Eager to please despite her innately sarcastic nature, she uses humour to win her friends' affections. Of course she often has to refrain from revealing her true opinions about the inane things people around her tend to be very good at.

Girls' Poker Night is a fun and entertaining read. Good if you're looking for a light, no-brainer, chick-flick kind of books. There were some brilliant moments where the first person (Capote) is reflected as a witty individual with the most hilarious sarcastic comments. But it gets a little dry in the end, with the story lacking a little substance.

Overall, the book has a very Sex and the City feel to it, which is very common of books of its kind. I suppose girls really take to such stories, which is why the Shopaholic series sell so well.

Through the life and mind of Ruby Capote, readers get to play out their Manhattan fantasy. The artsy writing life, a forbidden romance with the oh-so-hot supervisor, the regular girls' night in with A LOT of sex talk...the works. For what it's worth, this book does not disappoint. Recommended read for Sex and the City fans.

Rating: Storyline - mediocre; Style - casual and humourous; Overall rating: 3 stars

a writer?

posted Tuesday, Feb 14, 1:48pm

have received a total of 2 compliments about my writing since I started this blog. Not bad considering that probably only 5 people have actually bothered to read what I've put up. These random stuff. (Now I have to paragraph, following my sister's suggestion for easy reading).



I don't consider myself an exceptional writer. Because I am not. But I do try to so-called "keep it real". Now that's just fake cos' that won't be the way I'd phrase it. Well, I try to be as sincere as I can that is. And as uncensored...to a point. Maybe the next step I'll take is to create sensations. Hmmm The New Paper here I come. Not. I don't think I'd like that. Not that I'm trying to be some kind of a writing snob who'll go all pooh pooh (in British accent) about those gossipy style of writing. I just don't see myself doing that. Just like I don't see myself as a full-time dancer, a performing artist, a phD student...and the list goes on.



When I was an idealistic literature student back in Junior College, I somewhat despised contemporary literature. I felt that everything that had SEX, VIOLENCE, POSTMODERNISM stamped all over them could be published. Especially the sex part. Oh, and stories revolving around women and their vanity (Sex and the City style no less). Not that I have anything against these themes, considering I am a closet fan now, BUT I just didn't think that many stories were as well thought out as those from the classic and modernist literature. Ironically however, I was a huge fan of DH Lawrence, whose favourite theme is of course LOVE/SEX (it seems that he thinks the two cannot be seen as separate entities). Anyway, now that I am erm, more mature, I see the beauty contemporary writing can offer. The least they can offer is digestible information packaged in simple language. The KISS rule - keep it simple suckers.



Am currently reading a book called Girls' Poker Night. Getting through the last few chapters. It's actually an extremely light-hearted, no brainer sort of read. The kind you won't mind reading after a hard day's work. Not much work for the brain, but yes, very entertaining. I'll talk about the book in a separate entry, but the point I was about to make is the style of the writing - brilliantly casual. Annoying at times, because it sometimes defies all rules of formal writing I am so accustomed to in school. But absolutely catchy and non-threatening. I should learn to write like that. Sort of.



But I do realise something. Sometimes the harder you try, the more fake it'll seem, and thus the less successful you'll be. Because it seems more pretentious, poser-like, and thus less sincere. Especially when it's in the form of a blog. Unless you're writing a review or article of some sort of course. I think this is my problem, trying to reconciliate my idea of good writing with the desire to speak from the heart and have one of those verbal diarrhoea kind of thing. Okay, back to the start, learn to be a good writer. Wait, I lost my train of thought. Nevermind. Shit. I realise I am really bad at this paragraph thing.

what valentine?

posted Monday, Feb 13, 12:03pm

Happy Valentine's Day. I'm sure it's a happy day for all lovers in the world. A day dedicated to them where they can declare their undying love for each other and succumb to ridiculous marketing of V-day products like overpriced roses, soft toys, dinners costing three times their usual price...But hey, what's logic on this day right? It's the only time one has an excuse to be illogical, or giving in to the romantic mood as they deem it. Well, it's not going to mean much to me since I'm not going to celebrate it. With my soulmate far away on the other side of the world, it's not exactly easy to celebrate this day together. But it's not going to be a sad day for me. At least, I haven't started feeling the sadness if it is ever going to surge. Maybe it's because I don't feel lonely. I may be alone a lot of the time, but I don't feel lonely or misunderstood. I enjoy my solitude, so much so that it's difficult for many people to understand. Some say I am elusive, some say I'm playing games. But the truth is, I prefer meaningful solitude over meaningless socialisation. Sometimes people call this arrogance, and others calls it insecurity. Maybe there's a little bit of truth in both. But I prefer to call it laziness. I think laziness is a result of a secure relationship. To borrow a term used by someone I know too well, "once you are attached, you kind of just let it slide." Let it slide indeed. Once you are in a secure relationship and you see no trouble brewing, at least not for the short run, you simply get a little lazy to put in effort in cultivating another close relationship, even starting from something as innocent as a friendship. That's why sometimes single friends complain about their dating friends disappearing from their lives. Once you are in a mutually exclusive relationship, you just ease away from your relationships with other people. And you'll be less likely to cultivate new relationships. After all, 1. it's easier to deal with the crap from one person instead of five, 2. it's more plausible to completely let your hair (and guard) down in front of that someone special than to maintain a perfect image in front of friends who are not obliged to deal with your flaws. Yes that's it. So, people get lazy. But of course this is not a solid truth. Such a theory may not work if: 1. a dating party feels lonely when his/her other half isn't around, 2. a dating party still feels the need to be in the IN crowd and be regarded as the ever cool person everyone has to invite to their parties. Most people I know adhere to this category. Maybe I am one of the rare ones who follow the theory. Or maybe it's just because of my slightly moody and unpredictable personality? In any case, I am digressing. Back to my point, I am spending Valentine's Day on my own. But I will not be alone. (If bitterness is detected, it's just your imagination).

a difficult decision

posted Monday, Feb 13, 9:04am

I received a call from the company, and they told me I got the job. I was supposed to be happy upon hearing that, but I wasn't. I was confused. Yes, the nature of the job is good, and I think I will enjoy doing what I will be doing. But the salary offered is way too low for my qualifications, and the perks aren't that great either. To make things worse, the location of the job is very far. I have to invest an additional 2 hours of my time just to travel to the job location, both ways. SO, I didn't know what to do. I was given 2 days to think it over, and stupid me didn't fully utilise both days. Instead, after consulting 2 people and arguing with mom, who's not fully supportive of me taking the job btw, I called the woman. Asked her what the employment package entails, and then told her I was interested after all. Asked her a bunch of employment-related things and she told me she had to consult her HR since she had never employed a foreign worker before. So I said okay, are you going to call me. And she said she would, once she receive news from them. That's rather ambiguous I must say. So then I pondered over it somemore, talked to more people, talked some more with mom (this time with a much calmer tone) and decided that I would take the job, provided I get the clarification I need regarding the job. So I emailed her, asking her things like whether the job has a contract during the 6-month probation period, if the salary will be reviewed, the number of days for leave be increased, and if they would mind my inability to stay for OT 3 out of the 5 days, due to the night course I will be taking. I know that's a lot of questions. But hey, I do need to know more about the job before deciding to spend at least a year of my life there! After all, the salary isn't great, the prospects are not great, the company's small, the location's far etc etc. The only thing to look forward to is the nature of the job which I like, and the freedom I will have to work, since I will be the only concept writer in the company. So, I figure, the least I should do is to make sure I know exactly what I'm getting into. Should they have a problem with me, thinking that I am asking too many questions prematurely, then I know they are out to take advantage of me. And if they then decide not to employ me, so be it. But at this point in time, all I can do is wait and then probably give them another call on Wednesday to get a clearer confirmation. After all, I'd need to "tender" my resignation so they can go on with processing my employment pass and all that. Sigh, we'll see. Life is so difficult. There's always a problem that comes your way. When you're unemployed, you feel that life is meaningless and without a clear direction. Yet when you ARE employed, you worry about the remuneration you are getting, and all the other problems the job might come with.

breaking up is hard to do...not

posted Sunday, Feb 12, 1:05pm

I've always felt that breaking up is one of the hardest things to do. All the emotional hoo ha, the tears, the bittersweet memories...surely it takes some effort to do it and then get over it? Apparently not. Both my sisters just broke up with their respective boyfriends (now exes). And hey, they don't seem affected by it at all. And I'm not talking about putting on a strong front or anything like that. I mean really unaffected, indifferent, careless attitude. Well, considering they are the ones who initiated the separations, I guess it's sort of understandable. But in retrospect, I was the one who initiated all my previous break up, and it wasn't this easy for me. I remember a lot of going back and forth, hardening of heart, much tears, loss of weight, gain of more weight etc etc. In short, it wasn't easy. So then I wondered if this means that their relationships weren't as serious as mine were? But Gege was with her ex for 3 years!! That's longer than any of my relationships! So I don't get it. But I guess that's a good thing. It's better than mulling over the past. Then it gets me thinking about another thing. While girls have been complaining about non-committal guys, it seems to me that girls are the ones who have problems committing nowadays. What is it that we are looking for? Freedom? Is having a committal relationship equivalent to a loss of freedom? Or at least a restriction on what you can or cannot do? Or maybe the vast availability of various options lead to a short attention span that applies even to relationships? So once you are bored with one, you move on to another? Microwave relationships. In this day and age, do people still believe in one true love? Or is any relationship truly dispensable? Once upon a time, I believed in THE ONE; that there's a person out there that's truly designed by the Maker to be your other half. A couple of years later, I turned extreme and believed in the opposite - that relationships are dispensable, that there are definitely more than one suitable person for you, and external factors would decide who you'd eventually end up with. But now, I think I am somewhere in the middle. The romantic person deep down inside me would like to believe in THE ONE, while the realist in me would prefer to think that you can always find a person for you, even if you've lost the one you thought was the only person suitable for you. But ultimately, I believe that while it's possible to find more than one person who's suitable for you, there's going to be very few who'll be compatible with you in every way. If you're lucky, you'll meet one this lifetime. And sometimes you have to go through all the sh**, and have all the wrong relationships before you can find it. And everytime you make a wrong choice, you are a step closer to the right one. However, despite all this, should I break off a supposedly wrong relationship in the hope of getting a step closer to my ultimate right choice, it'll still be hard to do. Maybe I'm sentimental. Maybe I'm melodramatic. But each serious relationship requires such huge investments of time, effort, and feelings. And even when I look back at all my failed relationships and pat myself on the back for making the correct choices of giving them up, I still remember the dejection and despair I felt the time I knew something was over. Breaking up IS hard to do. It must be, if you have once loved.

the dating game

posted Saturday, Feb 11, 1:10pm

A good friend fell out of love today, or what she thought. Guy didn't call her after he promised her he would, and supposedly made some lame excuses after she found out that he was contactable after all. So she thought that he was avoiding her; that he was trying to get away from her. And she was bewildered, sad, crushed, broken-hearted. Kept asking, "was it me?" "what did I do?" "did I scare him?" And I said, maybe you are overanalysing it. Maybe he just forgot. Maybe he isn't as heartless as you think. Maybe this, maybe that. But she was sad anyway. There was nothing I could say or do to make her feel better, so I don't try. I just sat there with her, drinking with her and listening to all her complaints. Be her so-called shoulder to cry on, and a friend to lean on. Sigh, this dating game. It's way too complex for my taste. Maybe it's because I haven't been single for a long while; maybe it's just because I'm not one to play games. I'm straightforward, candid, and frank. I say it how I mean it, and do things the way I see fit. All this guessing, all this one-sided troubles, worries, and suspicion are definitely not for me. But I do understand how it may trouble my single friend, who has finally found a possible chance at love. Or at least a sustainable infatuation. So the night went on, with neither of us dancing to the house music Zouk was playing. We just sat outside the compound, her crying, and I smiling. Why? Because when one is sad and pessimistic, the other needs to be up and optimistic. Otherwise life would be miserable, and we'll never get out of the rut. To cut the long story short, he finally sms her again, saying that he missed her. She bought partially. Mainly because she wanted to. (This was after we deleted his contact number and all his messages from her phone). Then she told him she could meet him, beaming of course. And when he didn't immediately reply, she got all annoyed again and said that he was simply pulling her along. But of course, once again it didn't last long. Once he told her he would meet her, off she went. Sigh, this dating game. I don't think I'd enjoy it. But it still made me smile to see my friend hating and yet also loving it. After all, it's what makes our dull lives seem more bearable. If romances are always perfect, with no turmoil whatsoever, then life would be dull and dry. And people will never appreciate what they have. Only after we've experienced the annoyance of the dating game, the initial difficulties, the constant guessing, that we realise how fortunate we are to have found our soulmates. Well, sometimes I wish I had a chance at the typical dating game. But other times I'm glad I'm spared the trouble. After all, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I have found love, so why seek one? Unless it comes and proves to be stronger and better than what I have of course...But that's the risk one has to take in love. That's what makes love beautiful and indispensable.